Drug Addicts Group

My name's Mike and I'm an addict. I decided to start this group for anyone that has a history of drug abuse who either abused benzos as well, or was prescribed them as a form of treatment. I feel like we may have a bit of a different perspective and possibly even a different experience/outcome due to all the chemicals we have put into our brains and bodies. If anyone is interested in this group just chime in and give a brief summary of your drug history, benzo use (if not already in your signature) Amount of time off drugs, or benzos and your symptoms. I'll have a more detailed summary of myself if this thread gains traction.

My name's Mike and I'm an addict. I decided to start this group for anyone that has a history of drug abuse who either abused benzos as well, or was prescribed them as a form of treatment. I feel like we may have a bit of a different perspective and possibly even a different experience/outcome due to all the chemicals we have put into our brains and bodies. If anyone is interested in this group just chime in and give a brief summary of your drug history, benzo use (if not already in your signature) Amount of time off drugs, or benzos and your symptoms. I'll have a more detailed summary of myself if this thread gains traction.

 

Hi Mike, i think its a good idea to have such a group on BB.

Hopefully others will join and share their experience.

 

For some reason these type of groups don't stay active.

here is an example.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=117794.msg1544576#msg1544576

 

take care.

Im an addict and alcoholic. I have always had anxiety. I had my first panic attack when i was in first grade. I treated my anxiety with alcohol for many years and stopped drinking bout 18 months ago. Thats when my anxiety and panic got really bad. I had to quit drinking because of liver and stomach problems and i had abused benzos in the past and even though my sponsor told me it was a bad idea i decided to go to the doctor and get a prescription for klonopin. I really believe that all the alcohol for many years feuled the fire for extremely fast benzo tolerance. I think this is a good idea for a thread. I know for me it is probably somewhst different than most people on this sight. But its hard to accept this altered life snd deal with these symptoms because i look for a pill to solve any uncomfortable feeling and now even if i take a benzo it will help for a day and then make things worse. Acceptance is key in this whole  process. Ive yet to find it but hopefully in time

My storyline pretty much spells it out.

Drug of choice after immersing myself as the what-ya-got-aholic of the late 60's early 70's, I settled on alcohol. Benzos twice for 2 weeks each go-round to stave off the shakes from seif-w/d, then that delightful period of ambien to get it over till I had to take a couple to go out. Then the 'responsible' action of quitting ambien for 2-3 days to drop tolerance, then...uhm...'reinstating' till I needed 2 again, over, and over, and over...for about 5 years...brain over easy, mind hard fried...detox alcohol...ashton manual reread explained z-drug w/d...apparently, the world brought no K-Y jelly to the party...ouch!

I'm wondering if this topic can be revived.  I don't have time right now to describe my entire experience, but I was using up to 30 mg. of xanax a day, and taking addarol or another prescription stimulant to make it.  I have 15% kidney necrosis in one kidney that 3 experts have attributed to my decades of xanax abuse.  At 30 mg. a day that's 900 pills in a month!!!!!  I really want to write a book.  I'd love some company.

 

My latest thing is severe twitching and spasms in one of my feet.  My doc thinks it's probably benzo related but my symptoms are close enough to MS and ALS she sent me to a nuerologist and they are testing me like crazy.  I expect I will be fine but need to check it.

 

Anyone?  I could use company along with those above.

I need to change ambien use from 5 years to 15 years...

I'm wondering if this topic can be revived.  I don't have time right now to describe my entire experience, but I was using up to 30 mg. of xanax a day, and taking addarol or another prescription stimulant to make it.  I have 15% kidney necrosis in one kidney that 3 experts have attributed to my decades of xanax abuse.  At 30 mg. a day that's 900 pills in a month!!!!!  I really want to write a book.  I'd love some company.

 

My latest thing is severe twitching and spasms in one of my feet.  My doc thinks it's probably benzo related but my symptoms are close enough to MS and ALS she sent me to a nuerologist and they are testing me like crazy.  I expect I will be fine but need to check it.

 

Anyone?  I could use company along with those above.

 

Hi Paul,

severe twitching spasm is not so unusual and the sxs being similar to

MS too. I've seen it here on a numer of occasions, people being wrongly

diagnosed with MS. Prof. Ashton mentions it in her manual as well.

 

Stay strong and positive. If I were you I wouldn't trust any diagnosis

until your Benzo wd is over ...which can take a long time, got to be smart.

 

Good idea to write a book, the more info gets out the better. Here is a topic

by Parker....

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=88373.0

 

here is a Member who was diagnosed with MS...but thinks its wrong.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=60145.msg1785433#msg1785433

 

I hope this was of some help, all the best.

 

Thanks for showing me Parker's thread about writing a book.  I know that over the past year and a half I've had symptoms that were clearly w/d related but not on the list of typical symptoms.  I am finding that nothing is typical.  I also do need to remember that ALS and MS can be misdiagnosed.

 

I had bad kidney pain that was probably benzo related but I went to the doc. It turned out I have a cyst in one kidney that is clearly the type that is not supposed to be malignant.  But initially there were conflicting radiology reports about it and I ended up getting a 2nd and 3rd opinion. 

 

Every doc who dealt with my kidneys asked me if I was in a car accident or suffered serious trauma in some type of accident.  Initially I told them no - which was true but I worried it could be my benzo use.  All said that this type of kidney damage was normally due to some type of trauma I must have suffered.  I finally came clean, and when I told them how much X I took they agreed that in the absence of some trauma that it was likely my use of X.  All of my kidney functions are perfect.  I just have a little battle scar on one of them.  It's something to remind me where I came from and be proud of it.

 

I did so much insane stuff I feel like it's just a miracle to be here.  Anything that is wrong is nothing compared to what I've been through.  I also feel so happy to be part of this group. 

 

About my toes, though, they wiggle like the snakes on Medusa's head.  They have a mind of their own.  I swear, this is how my toes feel: http://www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/italy/rome/capitolinemuseumone/0104.jpg.

 

When I lay down and my toes are wiggling I'm afraid my cat will bite them.    I'm sure I'll be okay.  Thanks for the support. 

 

Wow, I'm sorry.... you've been through a lot...and yess, you can be very

proud of yourself....so glad your kidneys are working perfect again,

must have been a very worrying time for you...serious matter.

 

Paul, I am sure once you are off this crap , major healing will take place

and your toes might come back to normal too. I remember 6 months

after my detox.....toes started to curl...wriggle too, but its all

back to normal now.

 

Its all about nerve regeneration and takes a long time...but recovery does

happen..... which is something to look forward to, take care.

 

P.S. afraid the cat will bite your toes   ? try and keep your humour up...

its the only way which helped me to get through this nightmare.

 

 

Hello One Year,

 

I'm a hard core addict-alcoholic. June 28th at 5:55 PM shall be 25 years (1990-2015) without a drink.

Early on I was both clean and sober. After five years I took pain pills for a shoulder injury at the seven

year mark of sobriety I took a Xanax on a family trip. I experienced extreme bliss and the next day I got

the shakes. From 1998 to 2015 I was always using Xanax recreationally. In 2004 I used Valium daily

for 3-4 months when a construction project got difficult. About 1 & 1/2 years ago I got a Ativan script

from my PCP and proceded to become addicted. I thought I was playing it safe but got dragged in.

 

On Thanksgiving I experienced withdrawal symptoms and recognized them. I stopped for 40days

before finding a reason to use them again. I took Xanax and Ativan for 10 of 20 days and when

withdrawal started the second time the acute phase was horrendous and lasted 28 days. I joined

Benzo Buddies on day-45 because I fear the next relapse shall kill me.

 

Before quitting drinking in 1990 at 30 years old I drank and drugged every day for twenty-two years.

I started smoking pot at eight years old with my older sister and spent the 70-80's in an altered state.

I have a mild condition usually not treated with psychiatric drugs called Cyclothymia which is a very

mild cousin of Manic Depression. The mild mood swings from melancholy to normal to hypomania to normal made it difficult to get and stay clean and sober. I used a lot of all drugs and enjoyed a lot of camping trips with ingesting hallucinogens as the main activity. I had a lot of fun and paid the exit price for each

period of extreme and reckless adventuring. Stopping drugs and alcohol on my own without medical assistance in 1984 lead to a court ordered commitment of 40-days. Stopping alcohol between 1988-1990

took nine inpatient detoxes, three of which were followed by 21-day rehabilitations. All toll it took 100 inpatient days to escape alcoholism. Those days added to my other days equals half a year spent inpatient.

 

I recovered from using benzo's in 2004 so I know this ends eventually.

 

 

Slowhand59 you have an amazing story to tell.  I'm at 1.5 years of tapering and I struggle every day.  I post a lot - but I've never said this yet.  I got arrested for DUI prescription drugs.  I didn't hurt anyone or cause an accident but I was blown away.  My signature says I used up to 30 mg. xanax a day at my worst, but my wife tells me it was about 33 mg. a day.  After my experience with the law, I was terrified.  I decided I couldn't drive again with benzos in my system, and tried to cut all of it out in one month, since that's when my original prescription was supposed to run out.  In 30 days I cut form about 30 a day to 4 mg. a day.  I felt I was in serious danger of seizure based on my symptoms and hospitalized myself.  I was scared enough I took a cab to the hospital instead of getting my prescription filled.  I'm safe now, but I feel like this will never, ever, ever end.

 

Somehow I feel sorry for the members here who have abused far less then I have, when it seems that their w/d symptoms seem as bad as mine.  It's like they don't deserve the same symptoms that I got.  I guess I should feel lucky.  It's a really hard day today.

 

You mentioned your childhood.  My children know quite a bit about street drugs because I actually worked with street-drug-addicts.  I just thought xanax was safe. I was sure wrong.  I always thought I could eventually quit and didn't realize what I was doing to myself.

 

Sometime in the future we need to explain all of this to our kids.  I lost my job, we lost our house, and life has changed immensely since I lost everything.  We have a young teen who I believe needs to know.  She has seen me take the fall and probably knows anyway.  We have a younger child who we can't tell.  Their childhood isn't challenging as yours was; they did live with an addict but other than that they didn't have too much other stress. I feel like there is an incredible lie I am living.

 

Seeing that you got off all of this after your challenges is an inspiration for me. Hoping I can tag along behind your path and tell myself that if you made it, I can too.  Thanks.

 

Sorry to ramble - it's just what's on my mind today.  Thank you for writing.

Paul, thank you for sharing your story and for having such courage. As difficult as it is you're staying in the fight.

 

Thank you to all of you for starting this and writing about your experiences. I've been struggling with despair and your strength is helping me.

You're okay MT.  A better day will come and we know that.  Let's all just remember today that we are all in this together and we will all make it.

One-year, Paul-- I have a lot of hope for you and here's why--I loved how you said you felt bad for people who didn't have the abuse pattern you had but who seem to have all the same symptoms.  I think being able to take this perspective and have empathy shows a healing brain.  I predict you will get well and be the most amazing example for those kids of yours!

Thank you so much.  I'll sure try.  You made my night. 

 

Thank you to all of you for starting this and writing about your experiences. I've been struggling with despair and your strength is helping me.

 

MT I hope you are feeling better.  I forgot what you wrote here when I just posted on the "do one thing that scares you" board.  Let us know how you are.

Thanks, one year. I'm hanging in there. I'm working with the whole acceptance, not struggling, with symptoms and shifting my focus more in my life to helping others than my own self-absorbtion (sometimes more successfully than others). Yet, I want to be honest with myself and others about the difficulties of this journey. I believe we all have courage just by continuing to fight this fight and reaching for healing. It isn't pretty, but it's *real*.

 

Today I'm at work and happy that my focus is just enough to be a blessing to others. I'll keep doing all I can to feel better but being impatient and panicked about it won't help it move any faster. So I breathe, practice mindfulness and I'm constantly practicing gratitude. All of you is part of what I'm constantly thankful for.

I'm proud of you for making it to work.  And you're already a blessing to all of us.

I'm proud of you for making it to work.  And you're already a blessing to all of us.

 

Thanks

 

I think what we're all doing here is pretty amazing. I'm reminded of the Charles Dickens quote: “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.”

 

Freeing ourselves of drug misuse and abuse and of benzos is this far, far better thing and it will lead to a better rest, a better more restful future, than we knew while taking on that crud.

Alright MT.  You always seem to quote famous authors and poets, and it's very inspiring.  I was a literature major in college before going off to do something else that was less fulfilling.    Is this your career somehow?  Or are you just an incredible reader? 

 

Thank you for your quotes. 

I'm glad you like the quotes. I'm in the healthcare field. I read a lot and receive a lot of emails with inspirational stuff in them. I'm not good at reading dense stuff now though so I just look for little gems to encourage me/us. Most of what I read now is sci-fi or speculative fiction. It's distracting and not too hard to follow.

 

I hope you can get back into something fulfilling when this crud is over (or before). I'm working but underachieving right now. Not working as many hours as I'd like and keeping it waaaay more simple than I used to be capable of. I miss having a brain

MT, I switched to psych assessments...it scared me to think I would wonder if that 'click' I heard was a murmur or if it was just my neurons resetting...

MT, I switched to psych assessments...it scared me to think I would wonder if that 'click' I heard was a murmur or if it was just my neurons resetting...

 

That click? So you perform psych assessments now? Instead of what? I've thought a few times of getting a different job until my brain and body are back on-line but I'd likely have to work more hours and it would affect too many people. I worked really hard to have a stable work situation and it's fairly likely I wouldn't be able to get the situation back--limited opportunities in my area.

I was one of those dreaded ER nurses...haw!!! Somehow, the environment is no longer conducive to my well-being...go figure... and, since I have my own chemical psych experience and substance abuse history, I can cull a lot of chaff...so to speak...

Heart murmurs sound kinda like clicks, bruits sound sorta whooshy, and i have plenty of that going on in my head without a stethoscope...