Hey Hey We're the Junkies!

I hope that this isn't inappropriate for BenzoBuddies. If so, my apologies in advance and I WILL NOT be offended if it's deleted.

I've been a member of this site for a while now and am so so very grateful it exists.

We are all in a very similar boat but how we got in this boat is so individual.

I'm looking for others with a similar past of addiction as I get ready to drop to 5mgs Valium and switch to liquid and do a daily micro taper.

I did not get hooked on benzos due to a genuine medical reason like so many others here. I was actually in a treatment program for heroin addicts and my urine tested positive for benzo so the clinic Dr wrote me an Rx so I could stay in the program. That is how my Benzo nightmare started. I was a hard core drug addict for many yrs before settling on benzos. Heroin, crack, alcohol, marijauna and methamphetamines used daily for 15+ years.

I recently read a thread on here about people not wanting to be labeled as drug addicts. I get that. We are treated differently by medical professionals with that label and it's a hard one to identify with if one came to be addicted due to a Dr's bad decision which I know happens a lot! I get that it's not your fault. I get that you don't want that label and am not here to put it on anyone.

However, I totally identify with that label, it's been stamped on my forehead since I was 13 years old, I'm now 43. I haven't used hard drugs in years. I do drink alcohol as I am a performer, 4 shows/week, and with the ramped up anxiety I experience from benzo wd, a couple beers helps me before a show. I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE! It works for me right now because I must work and would not be able to deal with the stage fright if I had nothing. I also smoke weed on occasion and again I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE! It has helped with sleep and shutting off the non-stop crazy talk in my head. I usually only smoke if I've been through a couple sleepless nights in a row and am freaking out about the idea of not being able to sleep again. A couple puffs and I am knocked out! However, using weed leaves my hungover and very depressed for several days after.

OK, I AM RAMBLING!

I am just looking for others who may be in the same boat as me: No medical condition besides drug addiction.

Is this a stupid idea? Maybe I just haven't looked are enough to find others with similar pasts. Does it even matter? For me, it does. I feel like me symptoms are different... In going from 6mgs xanax to 40 mgs Valium and now down to 6 the only symptoms I've had was a couple times I dropped too fast and my anxiety and insomnia was pretty bad.

I still go to work. I still exercise with a trainer 6 days/week. I am SO lucky to still be living a very active life while going through benzo taper. My heart bends and hurts for those who get hit so very hard with extreme symptoms.

I almost feel like my history of dealing with addiction and withdrawal from other substances makes this easier! I've been doing it since I was a teenager so for me this is pretty much normal life.

Anyone out there have similar experience? I hope I don't offend anyone with this post. You are all very wise to be reaching out for allies when going through the hardest thing you will probably ever go through. xxox, Fun_kills

I'm not offended, but you say you've been on here a while so you should understand that the majority of people on this site are not "junkies".  We were prescribed benzos by trusted doctors who told us they would not harm us and now we are trying to get off of them.

 

jc

Exactly my point, JC212!

Most folks on BB seem to be here because a trusted Dr prescribed a horrible, dangerous drug to them without giving them the full info: that this stuff can kill you or make you want to kill yourself. It's just awful and I really feel horrible for the people that have been the victims of bad doctors.

I made the choice! I was reckless and didn't care. I knew what I was getting into but did it anyways. I had been to detox with people coming off benzos CT and watched with horror what they went through, so much worse than my heroin detox yet I still made the choice to go on these drugs because I have a messed up, drug addict brain. I didn't want to get kicked off my methadone program so I took the Rx. Stupid! I knew better!

It took many years for me to take the initiative to get off of benzos because I had seen, 1st hand what benzo W/D was like before I even started taking them. I know, it's insane. But it's my story.

I was just looking to see if there were others who may have taken a similar path to get here. That is all. I am certainly not calling anyone a junky besides myself... my younger self. I no longer identify with that label but I am a drug addict through and through.

I see.  I haven't seen anyone else like yourself on this site, but I'm guessing there are some.  Good luck!

 

jc

Hi funkills......I want to say hooray for you getting your life back on track .....I also want to say there is no shame in having and addictive personality....it is a medically recognized disease.....you are doing great and I hope you are able to stay clean....

 

I also think that it would be great if you find some others on here that can relate to your situation....

 

God Bless you...... ....m...

Funkills,  I applaud you for being so upfront and honest about your addictions and addictive personality.  Yes, I was prescribed Xanax .25 to be taken each evening by a wonderful physician.  But I am the one who chose to stay on it for 16 years.  And l certainly knew that it was not a good thing that I stayed on the drug. I chose to stay on it.  I thought of them as my happy pills.  I thought I was fortunate to have a physician who kept prescribing them.  No one held me down and forced me to take my happy pills.  I did not know anything about tolerance and withdrawal but I also made bad choices.  All it took was 15 minutes of internet research to find out why I was feeling so badly. I NEVER just take any drug prescribed to me without researching it thoroughly except I guess I did not want to know anything about my Xanax except that I thought it was wonderful  And that's the truth.  I believe that when we accept responsibility for where we have ended up in life because of our bad decisions, we can start making better decisions and take our lives in a different direction.  And you have certainly accepted responsibility........... now you are healing and taking your life in a different direction.  I wish you every happiness in the future.  Hugs,  KB 

Lots of people find themselves here via different catalyst.. insomnia, anxiety, vertigo, restless leg syndrome, etc.  You are no different.  It's a drug that worked for us and now doesn't.  Welcome to the boards.  I will however, find it interesting if you reinstate.  I hope you don't.

 

One of the things many of us have found this far out is you can become acute far into the post withdrawal stage.  It is tempting to reinstate from the sheer misery of the s/x.  Will you be craving the drug or another drug because of that?  I'm not sure who that works. 

 

Anyways, you are in good company.  Hang in there. 

Hi there Funkills,

I am an alcoholic, always will be so I see myself as an addict. I have not taken a drink for 30 years - a day at a time and when I look at my daughter, I see my sobriety and feel lucky beyond words.

 

I grew up with a violent mother who was alcoholic and manic depressive, absent in rehab  a lot and my father who was addicted to work and sport - spent his time in the clubhouse.  I instinctively took over, raised my siblings as best I could and learned to not talk, to not tell, to not show anything because of shame and guilt that I took on from my parents for some reason.  Our family doctor lived across the road and knew I would walk into his surgery some day - the first thing he said to me when I had to get help at 16.  I was anorexic, agoraphobic,  I had been abused in all shapes and forms from childhood and I was broken. I was put on Ativan and it helped me to function for a number of years but I had also started to self medicate with alcohol and while I got my anorexia under control by 18, I was a mess with anxiety and phobias and alcoholism. Over the years, I got help for these problems too and I am going for therapy now again but this time.. to get well, no more tablets. I want to finally stop hurting as I have been too busy with life, working, children, husband and putting sticy plasters on breakdowns over the years. Time to stop and call a halt and give time to ME for the first time in my life. I am 56. I have come off quite a few medications but the benzo is the hardest one and it is Valium now, I got off Ativan in 1990 crossed to Valium and am glad of this now.

 

I applaud you for starting the thread. You need as much help as I do, I don't see a difference, we are both addicted to benzos whatever the reasons, - not important! We both belong here, I am grateful for your honesty. It helps me to be equally honest and unashamed about my past. It takes away a stigma that holds me back from speaking, from being my true authentic self. Hiding and masking who I am all of my life has been part of my problem and benzos masked the feelings I was afraid to feel.  Nobody threw them down my throat, I take full ownership of my addiction. I needed to be numbed, I did not want to feel for years for my feelings were trauma, huge overwhelming hurt that I could not deal with. There was a place for benzos in my life then,  a real purpose and I am so glad for them because I attempted suicide unsuccessfully, I wanted to die in my early 20's but I met my husband, had children (blessings) and had a very rich and colourful life in various countries and worked up to my 50th birthday.

 

I reached tolerance years ago. I did not understand or know anything about it until I was ill again in March of this year and was put on yet another AD.I started looking on the internet and found the Ashton Manual and then found a psychiatrist. I understand the poison of benzos now and I am ready and willing to come off all medication and have shed two anti depressants, pain medication and am tapering my benzo finally. I know I am healed enough to do this now. I don't need alcohol,  I have a healthy body and mind,  I don't need drugs, I don't need anything to prop me up today. I am finding me, I am not afraid to be me, I am not afraid to feel, I am who I am and I like it this way and I have come home to myself, I am free to be me and feel great to be on this journey to being drug free and to truly dance again. :smitten: I do take full ownership for taking benzos, nobody threw them down my throat. I am responsible for the situation I am in. I am not blaming any doctors over the years. I asked for the medication, I did not want to be taken off it until now. There is a time for everything and this is finally the time to address benzo problems. It is not a walk in the park, it is hard, I have been sick but it sure beats hiding behind a mask. I just want to be ME and thank God for this site with such genuine people.  :thumbsup: I don't have such people in my neighbours and have just one friend who understands. I am glad I have my family, my hubby and children for support. They are thrilled too because I am a lighter me already without AD's and it is getting better for sure.

 

Much love Moya xxx

 

Hi Funkills,

 

As I read your post, I kept thinking about myself. As you said, we all got here by different paths, but we do have a common thread. I have an addictive personality on so may levels, the worse being a drug addict and an alcoholic. And I am a junkie. It wasn't easy to accept those labels, but I do. They're me.

 

Xanax was my drug of choice by prescription for over 20 years and alcohol forever thanks to my parents. I barely remember a day when I didn't drink and I certainly remember switching multiple doctors to get scripts for Xanax. I think that qualifies me as a junkie. I am 65 and I C/T Xanax (4 mg/day or more) and heavy alcohol use in a medical rehab facility this past March. Detox was pure hell, and the w/ds have been worse. I think I have experienced every classic w/d in the Ashton Manual. If I had even slightly considered myself an addict, I truly know it after this. You are very fortunate not to have extreme symptoms and can continue a productive life. 

 

Like Moya and Kb, I can't blame anyone but myself.

 

I think you're looking for a "eyes wide open" type of experience with addiction, but in the end we are all in this together.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Hayden 

Hi Funkills,

 

As I read your post, I kept thinking about myself. As you said, we all got here by different paths, but we do have a common thread. I have an addictive personality on so may levels, the worse being a drug addict and an alcoholic. And I am a junkie. It wasn't easy to accept those labels, but I do. They're me.

 

Xanax was my drug of choice by prescription for over 20 years and alcohol forever thanks to my parents. I barely remember a day when I didn't drink and I certainly remember switching multiple doctors to get scripts for Xanax. I think that qualifies me as a junkie. I am 65 and I C/T Xanax (4 mg/day or more) and heavy alcohol use in a medical rehab facility this past March. Detox was pure hell, and the w/ds have been worse. I think I have experienced every classic w/d in the Ashton Manual. If I had even slightly considered myself an addict, I truly know it after this. You are very fortunate not to have extreme symptoms and can continue a productive life. 

 

Like Moya and Kb, I can't blame anyone but myself.

 

I think you're looking for a "eyes wide open" type of experience with addiction, but in the end we are all in this together.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Hayden 

 

Hayden, I have friend who is looking down the barrel of a ct.  She is on 100mg librium which is 40mg valium and 4mg ativan equivalent.  She is unable to down dose slowly.  It's too excruciating for her.  Her husband works in a different county, driving 80 miles to work.  What was the ct like for you in the med facility.  Please PM me if you like.

Hi MommyR,

 

No need to PM. I have no problem talking about my experience here, but I have to preference anything I say with: I am NOT a Medical professional, I am not qualified in any way to give advice and I can only speak about my own experiences. I don't know anything about Librium, Valium or Ativan addiction and each withdrawal experience is different for everyone which you probably know. I definitely would recommend the taper method over cold turkey. If your friend chooses to go C/T, please advise her to do so in a medical facility that specializes in detox and recovery. The complications of C/T can be life threatening.

 

Where would you like me to start? You know my history and know what a miserable experience it was for me. How detailed do you want me to be? I can start with me investigating a medical facility, insurance issues etc. Or do you want me to cut to the chase and give you what happened after I walked through the door? You can't go back when they close them.

 

I'm looking forward to chatting with you and will help all I can. Let me know how to continue.

 

If we don't connect today, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

 

Be well,

 

Hayden   

 

 

 

I think it is a good idea to have this group

There would be problems that someone with addiction problems face that other taperers may not

For instance I don't mind up dosing but I know someone who describes himself as an addict who is scared to updose and I can see why in the context of addiction.

 

I came to this drug through emotional problems, there is no way around that. In that sense I think many of us have a similar starting point to an addict. I didn't go searching for a way to drown out the pain but I fronted to a dr looking for help with the pain, and sleep, in a pill. Despite that I know there is a line between me and someone with the disease of addiction. I know for instance in the future if I wanted to use recreational drugs I reckon I could and it wouldn't lead to the other drug seeking behaviour that happens when someone with addiction gets when they let their guard down.

 

Anyway.. Now I'm rambling 😜

 

You keep up the good work funk.. And look after yourself

Hi MommyR,

 

No need to PM. I have no problem talking about my experience here, but I have to preference anything I say with: I am NOT a Medical professional, I am not qualified in any way to give advice and I can only speak about my own experiences. I don't know anything about Librium, Valium or Ativan addiction and each withdrawal experience is different for everyone which you probably know. I definitely would recommend the taper method over cold turkey. If your friend chooses to go C/T, please advise her to do so in a medical facility that specializes in detox and recovery. The complications of C/T can be life threatening.

 

Where would you like me to start? You know my history and know what a miserable experience it was for me. How detailed do you want me to be? I can start with me investigating a medical facility, insurance issues etc. Or do you want me to cut to the chase and give you what happened after I walked through the door? You can't go back when they close them.

 

I'm looking forward to chatting with you and will help all I can. Let me know how to continue.

 

If we don't connect today, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

 

Be well,

 

Hayden   

 

She would be doing this in a medical facility.  What happens after they close the doors?  Her physical s/x are currently severe as she is in tolerance wd.  My thought is she should taper even with how miserable it is, but she has already lost 90lbs due to sx.  She is shaking, freezing, unable to gain weight, she is going into the weird half awake half asleep thing at night where you don't know what is real or fake.  It's bad.

 

Before benzo she had a history of drinking and was detoxed in house but had a seizure and some heart problems.  She is trying to make the safest decision.  Her choices are a pheno CT to get the meds out of her body and deal with a raped CNS and brain or taper slowly and deal with the excruciating s/x it is bringing her. 

 

She is unable to find a doctor to work with her except mine, but seems to be unable to get the answers she needs to comfort her health fears of dying due to heart failure or seizure.  This could be due to benzo brain, but I need her family to step up and help her because I am still in recovery myself.  She has one 1 and 3 year old children.  Her family is really clueless as to how bad this is gong to get.  I had to put my kids in full-time care and have a family member at my home.  I feel w/d is dangerous enough on it's own and it's wrong to leave kids in the sole care of parent suffering during w/d.

 

She has also become allergic to most AD drugs they would give someone.  Pheno is the last option.  What was it like to CT and who long before you were functional again?

 

Hi MommyR....I c/t in a detox with pheno.....I was a complete zombie in the facility but when I was released the real horror started.....if she can avoid that she should....if she is that sick while tapering......it could be life threatening for her to go c/t.....once they let you out you are on your own.......

 

I was so ill the first 5 weeks......I felt I was dying every minute of every day.... I could not take it, so I reinstated....my last dose was on July 24th... I feel I probably reinstated to late into w/d because I never stabilized and just gradually got better.....I have been really good now for almost 3 weeks ...it took 7 1/2 mos....

 

I was talking to my pharmacist tonight about his experiences with people who had gone through w/d.....He told me he knew two people in the last 4 yrs. who died in the first weeks of  c/t......I was angry.....so angry.....how can this happen...

 

Well enough said.....She should taper,  c/t is dangerous....and maybe more so for her with her history...it will be her best chance.....not easy, but she has her two little ones that need a mom....

 

...m....

Hi MommyR....I c/t in a detox with pheno.....I was a complete zombie in the facility but when I was released the real horror started.....if she can avoid that she should....if she is that sick while tapering......it could be life threatening for her to go c/t.....once they let you out you are on your own.......

 

I was so ill the first 5 weeks......I felt I was dying every minute of every day.... I could not take it, so I reinstated....my last dose was on July 24th... I feel I probably reinstated to late into w/d because I never stabilized and just gradually got better.....I have been really good now for almost 3 weeks ...it took 7 1/2 mos....

 

I was talking to my pharmacist tonight about his experiences with people who had gone through w/d.....He told me he knew two people in the last 4 yrs. who died in the first weeks of  c/t......I was angry.....so angry.....how can this happen...

 

Well enough said.....She should taper,  c/t is dangerous....and maybe more so for her with her history...it will be her best chance.....not easy, but she has her two little ones that need a mom....

 

...m....

 

Minnie!!!  Thank you for this!  I will tell her. 

 

What can they do to stabilize her physically?  She is really bad.  I get the sensation of her screaming her way thru the process.  She has tried to taper before but reinstated.  She was bedridden once she got to 90mg.  She can't drive either because she's so ill and shakey.  I think they r offering pheno in tablet form to take as she tapers... Not sure.  She said it feels like she has hypothermia.  She needs a caregiver. 

 

She really shouldn't be left alone with her girls. Her family just isn't getting it.  I have been praying and asking others to as well that my doctor can help her and we find a way to get her to appts and help her care for her children.

 

Her husband works very far away and he took a job with no medical insurance so they need to pay as they go.  This is absolutely irresponsible on the part of the medical profession.

 

Every day she stays on this stuff it's horrible.  Minnie, how does she survive the taper physically? What can they do for her?

 

Thank you Minnie and Hayden for answering my post. 

 

 

Hi MommyR......Bless you for trying to help your friend...

 

I think it is so hard to say what is right for her as it sounds like there are many factors involved......

 

It seems the only way would be for her to stabilize somehow....

 

I know without ins. it will be very difficult to get the help she may need....

 

I truly believe she needs to be under a drs. care....it sounds like it could be a life threatening situation....

 

I pray she gets the help she needs......m..

 

 

 

 

Hi MommyR......Bless you for trying to help your friend...

 

I think it is so hard to say what is right for her as it sounds like there are many factors involved......

 

It seems the only way would be for her to stabilize somehow....

 

I know without ins. it will be very difficult to get the help she may need....

 

I truly believe she needs to be under a drs. care....it sounds like it could be a life threatening situation....

 

I pray she gets the help she needs......m..

 

Find her thread ... Mommyof2

You are speaking my language man, I have been clean(ish) for the years. I've been addicted to coke, and smack. I've drank heavily. I actually think cocaine started my panic attacks. I was an admitted addict to my doctor but that didn't influence his decision to write me a script for a schedule 2. I didn't really abuse my Xanax but the dose kept climbing. I know it's strange but I'm honestly greatful for everything I've been through. Going through multiple opiate detoxs really preparedme for a little bit of this process. I'm a junkie. I will never be able to reject a feel good pill. So I avoid doctors like drug dealers, as though mylife depends on it lol.

 

I seriously think this benzo kick is easier having had some prior detoxes under my belt. I still take Suboxone, and probably will forever since I don't really have any negative effects other than the $ and disdain for being dependent on anything.

As far as my benzo use goes, I'm recently down to 5.5 mgs V and holding just fine. My doc is all about me being totally in control of my program and has said more than once if I ever tire of this tapering business I can stay on V indefinitely. Not ideal but when I get down to 5 mgs I may just suck it up and say this is life. I feel like I'm too old to be wasting so much life dealing with tapering and w/d's and all this crud. If I'm stable on 5mg's and it's more painful to continue taper and jump then it is to stay on... why not just stay on, right?

Rambling thoughts...

 

Hi funkills,,,,,

 

Why not you say.....and I say but what happens when you reach tolerance at 5mgs and then have to up it.....just saying

 

Take care.....m....

Minnie,

I guess after all the years on benzos plus my other history of drug use I still have a lot to learn about benzos and what could happen. I've been lucky in the past, got hooked on stuff and went to rehabs & detoxes. That was until I got addicted to Xanax. That's how I wound up here, at BB... taking those things daily for years just to not feel like a total spaz. Hardest drug I've ever dealt with.

I just spent some time reading people's story's on the valium taper board and wow! Things can get nuts.

I think as long as I'm on a roll tapering, I might as well get over this fear hump and go for it. Gonna switch to liquid V and micro-taper. Still trying to figure it out but it makes sense.

Thanks for all your input. serious.

 

It is different from any other detox most definitely. If I had to choose I would do an opiate detox. Just because I know how long It's going to last. I was much sicker from my opiate detox. No sleep, couldn't eat. I don't know how far I am in this but I think I am one of the lucky ones. I have noticed coming off this and opiates I get really bad shivers. I feel like it's the tail end symptom. Every drug I've ever stopped taking its the most lingering thing. That and this weird tingling all over my back.

im glad you started this thread, thank you. i have been a drug addict  since i was 14 I'm 36 now. my signature doesn't explain all my drug use. had to shorten it. these benzos have been the worst drugs to get off of. life after drugs not fun. keep waiting for it to get better. been clean for 10 months. minus a few hiccups. for a week i would take about 1mg of xanax. and did some coke. 3 or 4 times. not happy about it. but i did it. i have never went this long without drugs. pills were definitely always a drug that were in my pocket. my life has changed so damn much i don't even know myself anymore. which is probably  a good thing. i think i did something to my brain. my life has become completely boring. but i guess I'm clean and that part will get better. I'm extremely depressed and my anxiety is out of control. i don't want to be on anything at all. unless it is natural. yes i smoke weed. i smoke at night to help me sleep. even my drinking is maybe once a week if even that and i don't even get drunk just a slight buzz. I'm  trying to do things to make me feel good and its jus tnot working. i look at my friends and they are addicts themselves. all functional. they seem to have no problem with life. its confusing cuz I'm trying to stay clean for what? i might as well be on something. sorry having a really tough time lately. I'm pissed off at the world lately. if i can stay clean in my apartment building. i can be clean forever..lol..i will never be who i was. its like I'm starting from stratch man. its rough.

Funkills,  I applaud you for being so upfront and honest about your addictions and addictive personality.  Yes, I was prescribed Xanax .25 to be taken each evening by a wonderful physician.  But I am the one who chose to stay on it for 16 years.  And l certainly knew that it was not a good thing that I stayed on the drug. I chose to stay on it.  I thought of them as my happy pills.  I thought I was fortunate to have a physician who kept prescribing them.  No one held me down and forced me to take my happy pills.  I did not know anything about tolerance and withdrawal but I also made bad choices.  All it took was 15 minutes of internet research to find out why I was feeling so badly. I NEVER just take any drug prescribed to me without researching it thoroughly except I guess I did not want to know anything about my Xanax except that I thought it was wonderful  And that's the truth.  I believe that when we accept responsibility for where we have ended up in life because of our bad decisions, we can start making better decisions and take our lives in a different direction.  And you have certainly accepted responsibility........... now you are healing and taking your life in a different direction.  I wish you every happiness in the future.  Hugs,  KB 

 

i liked reading what you wrote.

Longwalk,  I am a 70 year old woman and I am very excited about living the rest of my life without Benzos.  You have so much life ahead of you.  You are so brave to have come this far.  You deserve a life that is full of joy.  We just need to get through this, one hour at a time.  It made me feel really good that you liked what I wrote.  I wish for you every thing you want for your future.  Hugs, KB