~~The Bedridden Club~~

[[Buddie]]

[...] hello 
What you’re describing although scary is normal wd symptoms. I’ve had many of those on your list. Some I still do but they’re milder now. I’m 23 months today! Wooohooo! Time is the best advice I can offer you as well as being of a support by simply understanding. At 13 months off it is normal to have symptoms get a bit more intense or get new ones. There’s also milestone waves in which around a year is common to feel like you’re back in acute. I have no idea why this happens but they’re common. I also had them. And had another at 1 and half year milestone. Will I get one at 2 years….lord I hope not! I’m leaning more toward being at the end of this recovery. My symptoms ( the ones I have left) are milder but kick up when I have a wave. Lately I’ve been having more waves with little new ones popping in and out….rapid cycling. It feels like I’m going backwards in my healing but that is an illusion. It actually is doing fine tuning. Which is definitely progress. I have always loved the phrase on here that says feeling is healing. When our brains don’t get it right, it goes to work to fix it. Unfortunately in most cases that fixing is slow and little by little. I’d like to encourage you to stay distracted using your hands as best as you can. This will definitely serve several purposes to help as you heal. It keeps us from being focused too much on our symptoms. It helps pass the time. It gives the brain an exercise/ task to perform as good practice in the healed normal state we will be in. Also it promotes positivity and oftentimes the body follows the brain’s mood. It’s my opinion that it should be something you enjoy but not to frustrate you. In the meantime what I also do to cope with my symptoms is set a daily schedule. My goal is to only get through that day. I make a list of things to do…strictly follow it. What time I eat, when I watch tv, laundry, walk, etc. This helped my cognitive skills and made it easier to not forget things. If a wave disrupts it, I simply pick back up at whatever time it is and keep going. I hope this can be of help to you too. I’m sorry that you are having a rough time. Please hang in there. Time is truly your answer. Also meditation may help especially calming music like spa music. It’s amazing how it can take you to a nice place if you close your eyes while listening in the darkened room. 
[...] I’m praying for you. So happy to hear that you are not doing worse. Thanks for the update my friend! Big hugs!

Congrats on 23 months [...], you’re a conqueror

Thanks a million my friend! 👍🏼🤗

[[Buddie]]

[...] thank you as always for your encouraging words they help so much. 

[...] we keep praying for you!

[...] bless your heart you have suffered so much.

Prayers for everyone.  I'm not feeling my best but just wanted to check on everyone.

Hugs💕

I’m sorry my dear Dianne that you’re feeling bad. Guess what? I’m not feeling good either. Sucks! I’m praying for you too. Please let me know how you’re doing. I’m going to Netflix and chill today…..
Distract distract distract!
Virtual hugs 🤗❤️🌹

[[Buddie]]

I hate to be so negative, I really do. I really wish I had better things to report or talk about. It makes me feel bad that I can’t be more encouraging to others and I also feel so selfish for being in “survival mode” non stop 24/7

It’s been 12 days and I’m still testing positive for Covid-19. The weirdest thing happened when I first came down with symptoms and a high fever 12 days ago, it was like my withdrawal symptoms almost vanished and the only problems that were happening were the fever and the body aches.

I’m not running a high fever anymore, and even though I still have a cough, it’s not terribly bad, but now the benzo s/x are back in a major way. My legs burn like they are dipped in fire. Anxiety is back bad. I’m still fully bedridden and only get up to use the toilet because I get so dizzy. My muscles… they say jelly legs…. Well my muscles have literally turned to jelly, despite me writhing around in pain constantly.

I’m not sure how much more I can take
Nothing helps
And I feel like my wife hates me
I have never seen her act so mean and unhappy
This is so terrible and I’m so depressed

[[Buddie]]

I hate to be so negative, I really do. I really wish I had better things to report or talk about. It makes me feel bad that I can’t be more encouraging to others and I also feel so selfish for being in “survival mode” non stop 24/7

It’s been 12 days and I’m still testing positive for Covid-19. The weirdest thing happened when I first came down with symptoms and a high fever 12 days ago, it was like my withdrawal symptoms almost vanished and the only problems that were happening were the fever and the body aches.

I’m not running a high fever anymore, and even though I still have a cough, it’s not terribly bad, but now the benzo s/x are back in a major way. My legs burn like they are dipped in fire. Anxiety is back bad. I’m still fully bedridden and only get up to use the toilet because I get so dizzy. My muscles… they say jelly legs…. Well my muscles have literally turned to jelly, despite me writhing around in pain constantly.

I’m not sure how much more I can take
Nothing helps
And I feel like my wife hates me
I have never seen her act so mean and unhappy
This is so terrible and I’m so depressed

[...] I’m sorry to hear your struggles. Am I correct that you’re still tapering? If so, what you’re experiencing is very normal. You’re not supposed to feel good….yet. The brain is adjusting and working hard to return to normal. Hang in there. Distract all day.
As far as you thinking your wife hates you…I seriously doubt it. She hates what has happened to you. It’s really hard on family and friends to watch us become a shell of who they know us to be. It’s also heartbreaking. They know they can’t do anything to help us so I’m sure they feel many things because of it. Might I suggest you have a calm sit down with her to reassure her that you’re still in there? Gently remind her that this isn’t easy for anyone and thank you for her support. Ask her what she’s feeling and together address it. I would hate to see someone else lose their marriage over this. We that are going through this barely understand it ourselves…imagine the people in our lives seeing it from the outside. Physically for the most part, we look fine. But, that’s ALL they can see. So, it’s not their fault for not understanding and getting frustrated too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning anyone’s non-supportive unloving behavior. Especially if it’s a spouse. They took vows to be there in sickness and in health. My point here is have a sit down with her. I’m sure she’s overwhelmed.
And yes that’s very weird that your symptoms took a backseat to the virus. Wow! Prayers going up that you feel better soon. Hang in there. You’ve been going through a lot. Getting a little down is expected. Just please do your best to engage in things that make you smile….even being bedridden. That’s what I did. I watched funny videos and comedy stand ups   
Have you seen Jeff Durnham with all the ventriloquist dummies? He’s hilarious! Old sit coms? Game shows that you can participate in like wheel of fortune, are you smarter than a 5th grader, millionaire, jeopardy, etc? The key is to keep your mind busy. 
Sending you big virtual hugs!

Hey, by the way….you can order flowers to be delivered for your wife  or have someone go get them from the grocery store florists. Perhaps just as a “peace offering or thanks for being there for me”.

[[Buddie]]

I hate to be so negative, I really do. I really wish I had better things to report or talk about. It makes me feel bad that I can’t be more encouraging to others and I also feel so selfish for being in “survival mode” non stop 24/7

It’s been 12 days and I’m still testing positive for Covid-19. The weirdest thing happened when I first came down with symptoms and a high fever 12 days ago, it was like my withdrawal symptoms almost vanished and the only problems that were happening were the fever and the body aches.

I’m not running a high fever anymore, and even though I still have a cough, it’s not terribly bad, but now the benzo s/x are back in a major way. My legs burn like they are dipped in fire. Anxiety is back bad. I’m still fully bedridden and only get up to use the toilet because I get so dizzy. My muscles… they say jelly legs…. Well my muscles have literally turned to jelly, despite me writhing around in pain constantly.

I’m not sure how much more I can take
Nothing helps
And I feel like my wife hates me
I have never seen her act so mean and unhappy
This is so terrible and I’m so depressed

[...] its ok to keep "complaining" (It more like reaching out) like this. You are in survival mode. You need to use the resources you got. I would rather hear you complain than get no post at all from you. I would hate to think you are holding back. It's kind of you as some people don't even look for the positive. But you are not that person. I have seen post from you that try to keep positive. There is no limit put on how many complains you do. You reach out until you are out of survival mode. When you have advice you give it. I have benefited from that.

Your wife sounds like she may be experiencing caretaker burn out. I also feel hated in my worst times. I am unmanageable. I would keep telling my partner that I was sorry, that I never wanted to be the cause of their pain. It didn't make me feel less hated, but I was able to validate what they were going through. We are not strong enough to do anything for our partners now. The best we can do is acknowledge it.
Is there someone who can step in for her for a day? I know people are hard to find and those people might not be able to read us or flow with us like our partners. You may be in too much pain now to think on it, but maybe that is something you can say you want to talk about later.
As we know there is no magic bullet and you know your situation best. The only thing I was able to do in my situation was validate their pain and tell them I see how much you do for me.

I know the nothing helps place. The only way I got through it was by being in pure survival mode and telling my partner I'm sorry for the pain, thank you for being there. Ignore everything else. You need to be single mindedly getting through the moment. Just keep existing.

I believe [...] Dens suggestion may help, but make sure you are in a safe place/moment to do so.

Keep posting whenever you need to. No one will fault you for it. I posted every day for a month before to get through. This is a lifeline.

Take one more step than you think you can. I love you, hang on.

[[Buddie]]

[...] I am so sorry you are suffering so much.   You are a good person your wife is just having a rough time right now and probably just doesn't know what to do.  Things will get better just hang on.
Sending you prayers ❤

[[Buddie]]

Thank you everyone for the kind and loving encouragement
I’m still feeling horrible… and trapped…. But having you all to talk to makes me feel like at least someone out there cares about me.

Tomorrow, somehow I will walk to the car and be driven to an endocrinologist for an appointment. I don’t know what to expect so I’m nervous not only about just getting out of the bed and being able to stand, but nervous about the dr. Never been to an endocrinologist before

The next day I see a cardiologist which is always scary… I’ve gone from heart rate way too high, to now heart rate way too low. I have cardiphobia as well.

I know how crazy I must sound but I’m feeling like I’m about to break.
All I want is to be normal again, even if that means just being able to get in a car and go somewhere with my wife and kids.
I’m on a desert island, alone, and I’m not a very tough guy… I’ve always been the reclusive shy introverted guy who backs down from fights, and this is a fight for me every minute of every day. I don’t feel like I’m winning. I feel like my body is giving in and breaking

Seems like the only times I have left the house or bed in the past 6 months or more has been to go to the dr.

It overstimulates me and then the pain is amplified ten fold

My stomach dr won’t do another appointment with me until 7 weeks have passed since I tested positive for Covid. Which sucks because my stomach is burning every time food passes into it,and I know from my last scope they did that I have erosion spots in my esophagus and upper stomach… that was September of last year and I’m so worried they have gotten worse. I know they have because I can feel it. It hurts so bad to eat now even though I have a normal appetite, every bite is like a battle.

Everything is pain at this point

I remember I used to have biceps but now I’m like Popeye without any spinach
My arms look like a little kids arms now to me and I’m used to being a big, husky 250+ pound guy
How could this have gotten so bad so fast…?

I went from Valium 10 only as needed, for 15 yrs…often skipping 4-5 days at a time even, to being on 2mg Xanax per day, only for four months…. then having a crisis and switching back over to just one 10mg Valium per day split between morning and night. You’d think I would have stabilized somewhat, because I’ve been holding and still holding  at 8mg per day now for 3 months…. That was my attempt at tapering down from the 10mg….No, I’m getting worse. I just feel so hopeless and I’m making everything and everyone around me a living hell. I can tell all they want to do is live and have fun and I’m stopping them.
I’ve never been this heartbroken in my life I tried so hard to cry and it felt like I was faking it which makes no sense. Everything is a wave now, ever since I got my molars extracted extracted a month ago (the sockets still are not completely healed) I just can’t take it anymore and I need someone to help me learn to walk and stand again. I feel doomed. God in heaven please show me mercy. I never did this to party or get high. It feels so unfair. I feel like I’m gonna lose everything. I just want to be a good husband and dad and I feel like the Devil has me wrapped up in barbed wire, unable to do anything because something is wrong with everything. I’m so guilty of envying the ones on here who can walk or run or go on hikes…. I miss it so much. I miss just being able to walk into the bathroom to take a shower… Almighty God please help me

[[Buddie]]

[...],

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I have been reading and keeping up with your story.  I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering so much!  I understand the health anxiety, I have tons of my own.  I have also lost lots of weight.  I get anxiety looking at myself in the mirror.  And I know how impossible it feels that we should ever get better.  But I do know that people in just as bad of a condition as yours have healed.  They didn't think they would heal either, but they did.  It's truly amazing how the body is able to transform itself.  It takes time, sometimes lots of it.  But keep the faith.  Keep reading the success stories and believe that you will be able to write your own someday. 

[[Buddie]]

[...], praying you'll feel better soon.  Let us know what tests you get at the docs and the results and any diagnoses.  If it's benzo-related, it's helps everyone.

[[Buddie]]

[...] I am so sorry that you are suffering so much.  I wish I knew what to say that would help you.  I can feel your pain my heart breaks for you.  Like Sage said the body can do wondrous things and I truly believe we will heal it just takes time and that is hard to handle.  Please hang on we are all right here with you.  I keep praying for you and everyone on here.
Love and prayers🙏🙏💕💕🙏