The Issue of Control

I just picked up a script for lorazepam.  The pharmacist made a point of saying "This is your last prescription of your taper.  You should only take it once a day."

I almost said something but decided it was useless.

Because....I do not take it once a day.  But, nevermind.  What a farce.  Pharmacists have no clue as to what this drug is like or what it is like to withdraw from it.  She only wanted to feel like she was telling me what to do.  Never have I asked a question of a pharmacist and gotten a reasonable answer about benzos.

I am pretty sure she called the doc and had the prescription changed.  Whatever.

I got home and saw that there were very few pills in the bottle.

But anyway, in the next few months at some point, I will not have to deal with these ridiculous control issues that the doctors and pharmacists have, because I will not need this drug to function anymore.  I will not have to listen to lies and thinly veiled judgments.

What a tangled web you find yourself in when you are on benzos.  You absolutely become a slave to the doctor and drug companies.  You get threatened constantly with your dependence on the drug. 

I am glad that in a few months I will not have to crawl like this anymore.

You're right, Mairin.

Initially that was one of the most satisfying aspects of quitting the drug for me.  I didn't have to crawl anymore.

I despised being at the mercy of my doctor and the pharmacist.

Next came the battle with withdrawing, but initially I was no longer at their mercy and that was empowering.

I haven't seen my doctor since but I have been to the pharmacy.  I know they know I was in bad shape.  I can walk in today and look them in the eye with pride.

I hadn't thought about it in a while, but that's one hell of a Christmas gift.         

No longer do I have to submit passively to the ignorant condescention of  the authorities that controlled my access to benzos and no longer having to endure the psychiatric label game.. This is a very good reminder. 

The good news is that I too had forgotten just how much rage these medical "professionals" inspired in me during the taper.  It is very legitimate anger AND it does pass.  And in the end, we are free

Yes, I remember one particular experience I had with a snarky pharmacist.  I mean, really....I was prescribed Xanax by a psychiatrist, and this guy behind a counter was judging me.....

To me, though, my main lack of control issue was Xanax' power over me---my absolute need to have it just to get through each and every day. That's what I've overcome, now I have no need and in fact no desire for it whatsoever!

the ignorant condescention of  the authorities

 

 

^^^^ Exactly! 

I think the reason why the pharmacist called the doc and had the number of pills reduced, is because I got a few scripts and because I am tapering, I did not pick them up on the exact dates they were due because I don't really need that number of pills each month.

So what happens is, since it is a controlled substance, they think you are going to sell the pills, which people do.

But the thing is, I am honest, I have no inclination to do such a thing.  I am a regular average law abiding citizen.

BUT, because of benzos, I am a SUSPECT.    I really resent the presumption of guilt you have to live with.

That you would engage in criminal activity.

That you are a drug addict.

That you are a drug seeker.

I don't know how many times I have been looked at askance and assesed by OTHER doctors because I was on this drug.  It is demeaning.

You go in for medical treatment and you come out a dog on a leash, and a bad dog on a leash that has to be yanked around.    It's a horrible trap.

I remember once I was dependent on a doctor in an army hospital.  My doc went away for a while and I had to get a refill from one of the other docs.  Apparently, my doc did not leave instructions to refill.  So this doc tortured me about this refill.  I had a baby at the time.  I had to wait 2 hours in the waiting room with the baby crying while this doc MADE me wait, and gave me this "drug seeking" interrogation.  He was like some sadistic prison guard, with this look upon his face of pure judgment while I stood there with a screaming baby just wanting to get the hell out of there.  Who is the crazy one?  You really have to wonder about these "professionals".

Mairin,

I agree with your position on (the vast majority) of pharmacists, but would like to balance that perspective by stating that my compounding pharmacist is very knowledgeable on benzos, benzo tapering, and has been very compassionate about giving me the tools to taper without a condescending or judging tone. I suspect that compounding pharmacists are a different breed than your average corner store "CVS" pharmacist.

A close friend of mine is also a senior pharmacist at a major US hospital and my discussions with him over the past 6 months about benzos and benzo tapering also reveal that he too, is very knowledgable and compassionate about benzos/tapering but he does know many doctors and patients who prescribe/get prescribed benzos for the express purpose of resale on the street. It is common and his responsibility is to identify and prevent such behavior. It is probably a very fine line between not doing enough vs being overbearing for a pharmacist trying to prevent such abuse. He seems to find the right balance between compassion and exacting jurisprudence.

Ya Laser, they have a pretty difficult job now that there's so much over prescribing of addictive drugs and abuses of the system.

In some of my calmer moments I knew my discomfort with the pharmacist was more about me than anything they were doing.

I knew my dependence had moved into addiction.  That I had no control.  Those monthly visits were difficult for me.  I'm actually sorry today that I put them in that situation.

I have an alcoholic friend and I wont buy him booze, or take him to get it.

I'm so glad I don't have that turmoil in my life today.