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Wake up with horrible depressing thoughts


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I've been off almost 13 months now and I wake up with the most horrible depressing thoughts of reviewing all my failures in my life.  I'm 52 now, but I'm tormented by my past:  thoughts of all the good jobs I've lost or quit, not finishing my bachelor's degree in college, failed relationships with men, where I'm at now, on disability and low income, not well enough to work, anxiety about feeling like I'm damaged from these benzo's now and may never be ok.  Does anyone else have these horrible depressing thoughts of failure and review of them in the morning and during the day.  It's freaking me out.  When I wasn't depressed pre benzo, I never had these thoughts. I had some energy and momentum to think forward or better thoughts about the future.  Now, I'm stuck in the past and can't find any good thoughts about it.  I feel like I'm in hell mentally from all this, plus I still have fear during the day, etc. 
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Hi Beck. If you hadn't written this post then I would have.....eventually. I had been wondering if I was alone in this ruminating about my past failures. I wonder if there are more of us?

 

I feel like a complete loser most of the time. I try not to dwell on it but it's on my mind probably 80% of my waking hours. At 58, I am in the middle of losing my home. I've had to start short sale proceedings and my credit, because of this, is ruined. I live alone (never had kids). I had a growing business when I started this benzo stuff and now it's non-existent so I'm pretty low on funds. I have my physical health, so that's something. I'm trying to keep positive about regaining my mental health but I do have my doubts.

 

I know sometimes it seems like there is no hope but I wonder if that's not the benzo w/d casting a dark cloud over our thinking. Before benzos, did you tend to dwell on your shortcomings to such an extent? I used to have self doubts but I would always snap out of it. And I always had hope, even on my darkest days. The killer part of this now is lack of hope. I think living daily with anxiety and depression is a lot for a person to overcome.

 

 

After the new year, I am going to find a therapist and try to work on some of the reoccurring themes that are causing me this self-loathing. We still have time.

 

I'm not sure if this helps you at all but just wanted you to know that you're not alone :smitten:

 

Rosa

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I never used to dwell on my past or even see the losses as failures.  I'm even blaming myself now and I never used to do that.  It's like a  self-loathing has taken hold of me as a failure of a person and I can't seem to shake it.  I used to pride myself on not dwelling on the past and misfortunes and I would help other people by telling them to not do it or feel guilty things didn't work out.  This is so totally new to me that I am having these thoughts like this.  I am so depressed I can't stop feeling like I'm sinking into a hole all the time.  I feel so devastated every day about how my mind is not functioning with the depression, cog fog and confusion, etc. 
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i wake up very depressed then the anxiety sets in.

i cant remember what i did 10 mins ago but can remember every dumb thing i ever did.

the worst is when i get my son in and i wish he had a better Mom, he deserves it.

i feel like my dad is let down by me too. i should do more for him. i shouldve sent him some cookies. im so broke this yr:(

so girls, no youre not alone. this benzo thing sure screwed me up too.

i hate to use it as an excuse but i sure did dumb, bad decisions etc on them now stopping has been hell, too.

 

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In the past few days of the worst benzo hell yet, I made a deal with myself that I will never blame myself or thinking negatively about myself EVER AGAIN. I have suffered enough. I am not the problem, it is this world that is the problem. All of the things you feel bad about are things we all experience to some degree and it does not mean we are bad, wrong, or failures. You have endured more than you ever thought possible yet you get down on yourself? The only thing that matters in this life is your happiness and feeling good about yourself, nothing else. It all means nothing anyway if you don't love, accept, and forgive yourself.  :thumbsup::smitten:
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I've realized that instead of telling myself I'm not well right now because of these benzo's, I find myself giving in to the w/d s/x's intrusive thoughs which are telling me I'm a failure and reminding me all the things that have gone wrong in my past.  It's the chemical benzo depression that is drumming up these horrible self hating thoughts.  I never thought like this pre benzo even with my "failures."  It's my benzo-brain messing up my thinking causing me to have these thoughts. 
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I'm so sorry all of you are struggling with these terrible thoughts. My brain loves to stroll down memory lane, picking out all the wrong things I've done or bad choices I've made. Have no idea how my brain remembers so many different failings. Things of no consequence that happened 30 years ago will pop into my head and have me reliving something dumb I did or said. It is truly ridiculous!

 

Once I've grown tired of this negative rumination sometimes I'm able to think of some things that I've actually done right, or things I've done that I'm actually proud of! How easy to forget all of those things, our brain doesn't stop us dead in our tracks to congratulate us on our accomplishments.

 

All we can do is keep our chin up and know we are not bad people, no matter how hard our brains try to convince us. When those bad thoughts come do all you can to recognize it and then shut it down!  :smitten:

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I'm so sorry all of you are struggling with these terrible thoughts. My brain loves to stroll down memory lane, picking out all the wrong things I've done or bad choices I've made. Have no idea how my brain remembers so many different failings. Things of no consequence that happened 30 years ago will pop into my head and have me reliving something dumb I did or said. It is truly ridiculous!

 

Once I've grown tired of this negative rumination sometimes I'm able to think of some things that I've actually done right, or things I've done that I'm actually proud of! How easy to forget all of those things, our brain doesn't stop us dead in our tracks to congratulate us on our accomplishments.

 

All we can do is keep our chin up and know we are not bad people, no matter how hard our brains try to convince us. When those bad thoughts come do all you can to recognize it and then shut it down!  :smitten:

 

 

 

thx innadaze, i needed that. i know ive done alot of right in my life.

 

:hug:

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All we can do is keep our chin up and know we are not bad people, no matter how hard our brains try to convince us. When those bad thoughts come do all you can to recognize it and then shut it down!  :smitten:

 

Thanks for that, Daze. I hope you are feeling better tonight :)

 

R

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I have to keep telling myself that my "failures" and the decisions I made were all the best I could do at the time.  I'm too impulsive and made so many decisions based on not being patient.  I start seeing my character flaws and it caves in on me.  I wish I could shut it off.  Everytime I try to, it keeps rearing its ugly head.  It's from this benzo depressed brain.  I feel I'm in the situation I am now, based on my faults and personality.  I need to really try to stop this.
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Waking up like this is very, very common when coming off of benzos (and a good amount of time after) as well as coming off of antidepressants.  Someone a while back coined the term the morning "dreads" which I think sums up the experience pretty well.

 

it's so hard to believe and then to remember that this is caused by w/d and isn't who any of us really are.  But the fact that so many people share this experience should indicate that this isn't just "you".  The only thing I've come up with is that until this passes, shut off the thougths as best I can.  After a time, every morning, things calm down and if I can wait it out until then, things aren't as dire or tragic.  Best way for me to stop the thoughts is to either count backwards, try to remember song lyrics or something like that.  There is NO benefit and nothing is solved by cycling these thoughts in my head first thing in the morning.

 

WWWI

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thanks WWWI.  I remember reading some of your posts a while back about those thoughts you were having which I believe were similar to mine.  I need to keep telling myself it's not me, it's my messed up brain.  Now, if I can just shut those thoughts down.  They pop in as intrusives. 
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Sorry, I only have a minute so I can't search all of your previous posts so I'll just ask.  Sorry if the obvious answers are in the posts but I am just curious.

 

Are you on any other drugs?  Did you CT off something else prior to this?  Based on your signature it looks like you were on extremely low doses of all of your medications. 

 

Why are you so certain that you are messed up or would I know that if I had time to search your previous posts?

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Hello Blue

I have  the same feeling like you , completely looser . I  blow all savings just to survived . Every morning I wake up I have to start TV or  I think were I ended like this  . I lost everything too ,  money , marriage ,  .  parents cut me out , because don't believe me ., brother , kids , friends , any relationship ,

I am devastated .  Every morning  all this get to my head  and I feel horrible , huge chunk of my life is gone , now  47 , not 100% yet , where will go .

I am alone too .  :smitten:

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Sorry, I only have a minute so I can't search all of your previous posts so I'll just ask.  Sorry if the obvious answers are in the posts but I am just curious.

 

Are you on any other drugs?  Did you CT off something else prior to this?  Based on your signature it looks like you were on extremely low doses of all of your medications. 

 

Why are you so certain that you are messed up or would I know that if I had time to search your previous posts?

 

I was on an extremely low dose and not sure if getting off it was like a c/t?  I've always wondered that.  I'm not on other drugs, but did take some amoxicillin here for a week for Lyme.  But, I was having all this anxiety and other s/x's since I jumped off these benzo's.  Last year I was riding my motorcycle and as soon as I jumped off these benzo's, I could hardly drive my car.  Now, I can't drive at all.  It's from these benzo's.  I was fully functioning before these pills and now I can hardly do anything.  I've had these s/x's since I jumped off. 

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Becks I understand what you are saying. I have those thoughts too. Sometimes all day long. This is taking so long for us. I don't know what can help us but time. Hold on Hun.
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Thanks, Maymay.  My head is so "up in the clouds" or not connected everyday, it drives me mad.  Every morning when I wake up and feel this buzzing in my head and then the head anxiety starts and I think, not again.  Why can't I just wake up and calm so I can think straight again and be connected. 
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Sorry, I only have a minute so I can't search all of your previous posts so I'll just ask.  Sorry if the obvious answers are in the posts but I am just curious.

 

Are you on any other drugs?  Did you CT off something else prior to this?  Based on your signature it looks like you were on extremely low doses of all of your medications. 

 

Why are you so certain that you are messed up or would I know that if I had time to search your previous posts?

 

I was on an extremely low dose and not sure if getting off it was like a c/t?  I've always wondered that.  I'm not on other drugs, but did take some amoxicillin here for a week for Lyme.  But, I was having all this anxiety and other s/x's since I jumped off these benzo's.  Last year I was riding my motorcycle and as soon as I jumped off these benzo's, I could hardly drive my car.  Now, I can't drive at all.  It's from these benzo's.  I was fully functioning before these pills and now I can hardly do anything.  I've had these s/x's since I jumped off.

 

"....Doctors warn that Lyme disease may cause personality changes, mood swings, anxiety and depression, panic attacks, self-mutilation, obsessive behavior, sudden rages and ..."

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=lyme+disease+and+depression

 

 

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That's encouraging, to hear I'll go insane from the untreated Lyme.  I cannot tolerate the antibiotics, they are making me insanely anxious.  I have no choice, but to succumb to the Lyme s/x's.  People on this forum are always warning me about untreated Lyme and how serious it is.  But taking the antibiotics for the last five days at high doses, I nearly collapsed yesterday because my system was so weak from them.  My neighbor told me I looked pale and unwell.  I know how potent those antibiotics are and it's not a walk in the park or all that safe to take them at high doses; they destroy and decrease many of your blood cell components.  I worked in the medical field for many years as a Medical Lab Tech and Medical Data Abstractor and I know a little bit about drugs.  Antibiotics are a hazard in themselves to take with many side effects, too.  I'm already weakened tremendously from the benzo w/d and the untreated Lyme and these antibiotics are further weakening me. 
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It happens in the morning due to cortisol levels.

 

You are hypersensitized to antibiotics now.  I can't take them either.  But you can't leave Lyme Disease untreated or you will get worse. 

 

I assume you are also taking pre and probiotics with the antibiotics.

 

Which antibiotic are you on and for how long? 

 

Can you use coping strategies and supportive care to get through the course of antibiotics?

 

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I've been getting angry first thing in the morning of late and often find myself stewing over some perceived injustice or other.  I'm really not an angry person at all and even when it's happening I'm aware that it's just the benzo wd... I try to steer clear of people and my mind has usually finished its lunatic rantings by brunch-time.

 

The self-punishing thoughts around my imagined failures as a commercial entity and parent tend to come in the dark watches of the night. It is harder not to get caught up in the thought-stream when I am tired.

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I've been getting angry first thing in the morning of late and often find myself stewing over some perceived injustice or other.  I'm really not an angry person at all and even when it's happening I'm aware that it's just the benzo wd... I try to steer clear of people and my mind has usually finished its lunatic rantings by brunch-time.

 

The self-punishing thoughts around my imagined failures as a commercial entity and parent tend to come in the dark watches of the night. It is harder not to get caught up in the thought-stream when I am tired.

 

I get this too. My rage comes out in random moments.... benzos turned me into an angry person. pre-benzos I was quiet, easy-going, and by many people's accounts, 'such a good guy.'

 

Now i've lost friends and family, and people won't forgive me... i try to take walks now every time i feel the rage coming on... i hope it goes away soon.

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One would think that after a time, it would be easier to recognize the morning experience for what it is.  But despite having gone through this daily for a good while, each morning catches me unprepared.  It's really only knowing that this is such a shared experience for so many that I realize that it's not true what my mind is telling me.  Sometimes that works, sometimes not so much. ..
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One would think that after a time, it would be easier to recognize the morning experience for what it is.  But despite having gone through this daily for a good while, each morning catches me unprepared.  It's really only knowing that this is such a shared experience for so many that I realize that it's not true what my mind is telling me.  Sometimes that works, sometimes not so much. ..

 

it doesnt get much easier. im now hate mornings :tickedoff:j

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Gard  :hug:

 

I think there are some of us that this sticks with for a good while, but I believe with the larger population this does pass.  This has been going on for me a very long time, and in that time, many, many people who have experienced this have come and gone.  I think for some it hangs on, but for most it's transitory.  This gives me hope that while I'm not expecting it to go away soon, there is a good chance it will go away

 

WWWI

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