Not again

Sigh.............

 

Could feel things slipping last couple days. Strange new flavor of DR. Crippling waves of fatigue that last 4-6 hours during the day. Now it's all falling apart today all the same stuff as before but now with horrible despair and sadness out of nowhere, wham! Full blown crying attack, so hard I'm having a hard time catching my breath. Hate when this happens, it always knocks me on my back stunned with how much worse it can get within a few minutes. All kinds of pulling and pushing sensations when I tried to go for a walk to make it go away. 2.5 miles didn't help at all. Now weird surges in the brain, lips going numb. Think I'll stop and try to lie down and breath now.

 

Please have this ease up a little next week so I can enjoy just a little bit of Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with my kids for the first time in 3 years  :'(  :'(  :'(

I am so sorry to hear this innadaze. I  know exactly where you are coming from though.  It seems like things are getting better and then wham you are hit with a whole host of symptoms.  The holidays just aren't the same when you feel like crap like we do.  And noone understands.  Just keep venting here though.  We will listen. Sometimes it just feels better to let it all out.

 

Peace and Blessings

 

Snufi

I am so sorry.  Your symptoms may be being exacerbated by the stress of the holidays.

 

Take care of yourself.

Thank you for your understanding Snufi.

 

Seems I'm coming on here with quite a vent every 3 or 4 weeks      Nothing like a good freakout and breakdown session. Usually when I get to this point the peak of the wave isn't far behind. Hope you are doing well and wishing you a Happy Holiday season and much better 2014! 

I am so sorry.  Your symptoms may be being exacerbated by the stress of the holidays.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Thank you Rebel! I don't think I recognize it, but deep inside I'm sure my body is reacting to stress. Trying to get everything for all my kids to have a nice Christmas while having a tough time financially. My support will no longer be there Jan. 1 so I have to crank my business back up to full time, ready or not Jan. 2nd. That is also probably weighing on me whether I recognize it or not.

 

Hope you have a wonderful holiday season and 2014! 

Thank you and I hope that you have a relaxed, stress free, and enjoyable holiday season as well.

Oh Daze-

 

I just asked about you on another post and now I read this

As an objective observer, in my opinion, stress is doing a number on your w/d. Everyone knows that the holidays can bring a lot to the surface and you have the added stress of $$ worries. I have a deadline looming over me as well and as much as I try to push it to the back of my mind, it shows up in extra waves. Everyone says to avoid stress during recovery but that's impossible.

 

I  w-a-n-t  m-y  m-o-m-m-y :'(

 

And since that isn't going to happen, we'll just have to keep on keepin' on.

 

rosa

 

Oh Daze-

 

I just asked about you on another post and now I read this

As an objective observer, in my opinion, stress is doing a number on your w/d. Everyone knows that the holidays can bring a lot to the surface and you have the added stress of $$ worries. I have a deadline looming over me as well and as much as I try to push it to the back of my mind, it shows up in extra waves. Everyone says to avoid stress during recovery but that's impossible.

 

I  w-a-n-t  m-y  m-o-m-m-y :'(

 

And since that isn't going to happen, we'll just have to keep on keepin' on.

 

rosa

 

Thank you as always Rosa~!

 

You've got that right, can't get away from the stress. Money, kids to care for, wife, house, etc... all that stuff and now holidays also in the mix. I've gotten so much better this past year at no longer dwelling on stressful things, staying up worrying all night, etc.... I'm able to push the stressful thoughts out of my mind much more quickly and easily now, refocusing back on what can be controlled today.

 

Still not enough to keep symptoms at bay      Then when things get overwhelming and I feel particularly hopeless I come on BB and have a pretty good vent and hopefully in a few days back to baseline.

 

Wouldn't that be lovely to call for mommy and have everything be ok? Instead I have to be there when someone calls daddy (which I love). But when I'm feeling low it is difficult to muster the strength. Somehow I've managed to keep going, and so have you! Good job Rosa, big hug 

I hear ya Daze. I hate those rapid changes with different flavour in the Sx. As I woke up at 1:45aM last night. I felt the sx were coming on strong, like waves of attack. When one wave slowly dissipate, and I thought I got a break and tried to get back to sleep, the 2nd wave hit within minutes. Finally I just gave up. When will this end ?

I am glad you are getting some breaks though, like you said in my last post, there are lots of healing during a big wave. Just trust the finish line is not too far. This nightmare has to end.

 

Ed C

Daze

Rosa is always right . Stress  is very bad for w/d . I still have that at 28 months stress  and  can feel  shakes etc . Of course not like you .  when you stress just walk around house  couple of times , calm your nerves if you can .

Every even little exercise due stress situation , even  walk  in back yard etc help calm your NCS down .

Stress is the worst when we going tru this hell .

Just little stress and we out of balance for days again .

Will get better when you hop over year , you will see .

I am sorry you are not feeling that great  Innadaze.  It's hard enough dealing with all this WD on a daily basis , but I'm sure the holidays stress us whether we realize it or not .

 

Things will be better in the new year...count on it...hope you get a Christmas miracle this year...

Continued healing...and peace in the upcoming year. Little m

So sorry to hear things got rough my friend. Maybe you pushed a little hard with exercise?  The stress of Xmas is taxing to us all.

 

Remember the basics. Lots of small meals, no sugar, no caffeine. Today is a gift to you despite the challenges. You have your lovely bride, your children. That's huge. Give them all a big hug

 

This too shall pass. The waves at this stage of recovery are incredibly intense, but thankfully short.

 

One day at a time we will beat this together. Did you surf the net and download Jeremiah Johnson yet?  Has your other DVD arrived yet of that fellow up in Alaska?  Use that positive imagery to your advantage.

 

Be strong!

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but in a way it's a relief. I went for my morning walk today and could not focus enough to collect aluminum cans. I walked to the end of my street and back. That's it. 21 minutes.

 

My d/p and d/r were so freaking bad I felt as if I'd been thrown back into acute w/d. I thought it was just me, but it seems to be going around. I think it must be the approach of the holidays. All I know is that I wish I could go somewhere and hide out until January 2, because my wife's large Mexican-American family has something planned for every day from now until then. (I think I have the 23rd off, and maybe the 30th, but that's about it!)

 

Hang in there. We'll make it through this...somehow!

Innadaze, so sorry you are having trouble. Somehow, I find anticipatory anxiety to be the worst in these times. Even before going back on a benzo, that was still bad for me and I was pretty much healed. I can't imagine having to get a business going again and how that would stress me out. Holidays, being there for kids and a business, that can mess things up. Try whatever works for you, and this will probably go away soon. You know how waves work, there's no rhyme or reason.

I hear ya Daze. I hate those rapid changes with different flavour in the Sx. As I woke up at 1:45aM last night. I felt the sx were coming on strong, like waves of attack. When one wave slowly dissipate, and I thought I got a break and tried to get back to sleep, the 2nd wave hit within minutes. Finally I just gave up. When will this end ?

I am glad you are getting some breaks though, like you said in my last post, there are lots of healing during a big wave. Just trust the finish line is not too far. This nightmare has to end.

 

Ed C

 

Oh, that's terrible getting hit when you are trying to get some sleep. I'm finally able to get some good rest many nights, maybe 1 or 2 awakenings. Some nights awake for 5 min. others 1 hour or more. Keep running toward that finish line Ed! 

Daze

Rosa is always right . Stress  is very bad for w/d . I still have that at 28 months stress  and  can feel  shakes etc . Of course not like you .  when you stress just walk around house  couple of times , calm your nerves if you can .

Every even little exercise due stress situation , even  walk  in back yard etc help calm your NCS down .

Stress is the worst when we going tru this hell .

Just little stress and we out of balance for days again .

Will get better when you hop over year , you will see .

 

Yes I did get to do a nice walk today and felt pretty good during it, but the yucky feelings came back shortly after. I think today was just a rough day for me. Tomorrow I see my counselor again after several weeks of not being able to go. I'll talk to him and do some more walking and take it easy for another day on jogging and things should settle back down again. Happy holidays to you Erika! 

I am sorry you are not feeling that great  Innadaze.  It's hard enough dealing with all this WD on a daily basis , but I'm sure the holidays stress us whether we realize it or not .

 

Things will be better in the new year...count on it...hope you get a Christmas miracle this year...

Continued healing...and peace in the upcoming year. Little m

 

Thank you littlem, I think we all are deserving of some miracle healing this holiday season. If not now, sometime in 2014 would be wonderful. Hope to read yours and many others success stories in the coming months 

So sorry to hear things got rough my friend. Maybe you pushed a little hard with exercise?  The stress of Xmas is taxing to us all.

 

Remember the basics. Lots of small meals, no sugar, no caffeine. Today is a gift to you despite the challenges. You have your lovely bride, your children. That's huge. Give them all a big hug

 

This too shall pass. The waves at this stage of recovery are incredibly intense, but thankfully short.

 

One day at a time we will beat this together. Did you surf the net and download Jeremiah Johnson yet?  Has your other DVD arrived yet of that fellow up in Alaska?  Use that positive imagery to your advantage.

 

Be strong!

 

Not sure if it was the exercise or not Svenhoak. I'll keep with walking every day and cut the jogging back to 3 or 4 times per week and see how it goes. You've mentioned appreciating things to help get through. When things started to kind of fall apart again and I hit the road for my walk I did lots of that kind of thinking. Thankful to still be alive. Thankful for my family and time to spend with them at the holidays. Thankful I am struggling at withdrawal and there is a chance to heal instead of fatal cancer. Thankful for all the great years I've already been given. More and more when things turn worse it helps to remember that it could be worse and keep things in perspective, that the bad feelings will pass again.

 

You are right about these waves being incredibly intense. It feels to be easing up some now about 7 hours later. Not perfect but better.

 

The Alaska video and Jeremiah Johnson DVD are both on my Xmas wish list, so waiting a few more days to see if Santa got the message. The JJ release is a double feature with a Gold Mining movie as the other half. Looked very interesting. Hope I'm on the "nice" list.

 

Thanks for your message today buddy, much needed. I hope you had a great day and see another of those windows where you're running around town grinning from ear to ear! 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but in a way it's a relief. I went for my morning walk today and could not focus enough to collect aluminum cans. I walked to the end of my street and back. That's it. 21 minutes.

 

My d/p and d/r were so freaking bad I felt as if I'd been thrown back into acute w/d. I thought it was just me, but it seems to be going around. I think it must be the approach of the holidays. All I know is that I wish I could go somewhere and hide out until January 2, because my wife's large Mexican-American family has something planned for every day from now until then. (I think I have the 23rd off, and maybe the 30th, but that's about it!)

 

Hang in there. We'll make it through this...somehow!

 

Yes, it's a relief for sure if healing is happening Tex. No pain, no gain or something like that right? Some days that happens my friend, you're out there walking and have to keep it short for your own safety and well being. It will all get sorted out and you'll have those nice hour strolls again in no time. You're going to need that strength for a week of festivities! Keep plugging along buddy, thanks for stopping by today! 

Innadaze, so sorry you are having trouble. Somehow, I find anticipatory anxiety to be the worst in these times. Even before going back on a benzo, that was still bad for me and I was pretty much healed. I can't imagine having to get a business going again and how that would stress me out. Holidays, being there for kids and a business, that can mess things up. Try whatever works for you, and this will probably go away soon. You know how waves work, there's no rhyme or reason.

 

I notice now that during this flare-up I'm getting pain on the other side of my back and then to lower abdomen, groin area and a little top of thigh. That's all psoas area if I'm not mistaken. That sucker really tightened up again! Dang stress. Ah well, sometime in 2014 we're going to be on those epic power walks and jogs. Thanks and take care! 

Does healing really happen in waves? Just wondering. Might be the ray of sunshine I have been looking for.

Does healing really happen in waves? Just wondering. Might be the ray of sunshine I have been looking for.

 

Yes, I've read many people here describing this. Like in the Parker post I mentioned earlier on one of your threads I believe, what is happening in your brain. Quite a bit of that long article mentions that we are healing when we feel badly. Here is one small portion. Take care!

 

*******

 

"That brings me to my next point... WHY do all of us in benzo recovery have generally the same symptoms? Well - it may make you feel calmer to realize that our brain structures are NOT broken. They are doing EXACTLY what they are supposed to do under the circumstances.  And all of our perceptions of what we are seeing, feeling, hearing- are normal because the parts of our brains that are firing off are doing so because a) They still DO work. b) They work just as they were intended to. c) They are actually healing as all this firing is going on.

 

Why the depression and anxiety? It's so complicated, but this WHOLE system is interdependent. At that SAME time as ALL this stuff is going on, the entire body is trying to heal in every place GABA and Glutamate naturally act (uh - and that would be - EVERYWHERE).

The intestines, stomach, eye balls, skin, toenails - seriously - where do we NOT have nerves?

Anything we didn't have as a pre-existing condition is fair game for being affected by the recovery that takes place.

This includes the body's own ability to make serotonin that is required to feel "balanced" and "happy". And you guessed it. This is not being made very efficiently in a building that is under major construction. So - you may get a day or so of feeling good - and then - boom - that's gone until you can make enough serotonin.

Oh - and by the way - serotonin HELPS TELL THE NERVES WHEN TO RELEASE GABA AND GLUTAMATE! Ha!

So on top of needing GABA to make serotonin, you need serotonin to regulate the release of GABA into the system!

How much more interconnected can you get?  God - it's a wonder it knows how to heal at all!  But it does!  Amazing to me, really.

 

This is just some limited information to give an idea of what is going on in neurophysiology.  Obviously this is very cursory and not super detailed. But there is a bigger point here than "what parts of the brain are affected".

The point REALLY is - IF  YOU KNOW that symptoms are tied to parts of a NORMAL brain under reconstruction, then you can begin to rest a little more easy in your mind that under the circumstances, the symptoms themselves are a GOOD sign.

Without intrusive memories - as awful as they are - especially when mixed with fear - but without them, your memory itself would not heal.  It IS healing - and when you are having intrusives, try to think of it that way.  Tap your finger to your temple and say to yourself, "I know what this is. This is my hippocampus healing! Ha!" Because it IS.  And if it were NOT healing, you would not be having those symptoms.  ANY part of the brain or body that needs to heal is going to "experience" something in the form of symptoms - and you are going to notice that. But it is part of  process that is inevitably returning to the balance that it could not achieve while we were still putting those pills in our mouths.  (And if you're tapering, this is still happening - just likely with less trauma than with what happened to me when I cold-turkeyed.)

 

So - when you have symptoms - know that symptoms themselves are a way for you to know that healing is taking place."

Glad to hear things are getting better Daze!  Your persistent positive attitude will pull you through this my friend!

 

Tomorrow is another day!  I'm doing "ok". I just feel really strange. Perhaps I'm getting used to my new "reality" with all the DR. Everyone around me tells me I look great. It just doesn't feel that way yet. Lots of really deep thoughts. Again, some of this is my underlying BS. My midlife crisis!

 

Take care!

Glad to hear things are getting better Daze!  Your persistent positive attitude will pull you through this my friend!

 

Tomorrow is another day!  I'm doing "ok". I just feel really strange. Perhaps I'm getting used to my new "reality" with all the DR. Everyone around me tells me I look great. It just doesn't feel that way yet. Lots of really deep thoughts. Again, some of this is my underlying BS. My midlife crisis!

 

Take care!

 

I read in your other message about a death in your family. I'm sorry for your loss 

 

Midlife crisis, I can relate. Looking around at what I've accomplished so far, what I'd like to do, disappointments, fear of time running out. With any luck this benzo recovery will be nearly over by the end of 2014 and I can attack some of these goals with vigor! Take care man!

Thanks Daze!  This has been a tough stretch for sure.

 

I think part of the challenge we face is having way too much time on our hands to think about things as we recover. We need to think about our underlying condition that put us on benzos and other psych meds in the first place.

 

But having this much time off work, the longest break I've had in 30 years if you count schooling, gives a person a lot of time to reflect on pretty much everything. Had I not stopped benzos and simply went off work suddenly for six months, I'd be a basket case. Guess what?  I am a bit of a basket case

 

Seriously though, there are a lot of little things that added up over the years that I wouldn't have dealt with until retirement, had I not taken a break to deal with benzo withdrawal. I think that's pretty normal.

 

What I'm trying to say is that we all have things to deal with that we probably were trying to ignore or put off. No one is perfect. Take a pile of time off work and it gives us that much more time to think about these extra challenges we were happily ignoring, on top of benzo withdrawal.

 

Let's deal with our respective midlife crises one day at a time. Just like benzo withdrawal!