Feeling so ashamed

I am in the 14th month and have been suffering with akathisia since June 2013. Everyday I feel that this is it, I literally can't take it anymore. :'( So yesterday I took 10mg of Valium. I thought that maybe I could re-instate and then titrate as I went c/d from the Ativan in Oct.2012. It did nothing. This morning I woke up feeling ashamed, and like a loser. Not good feelings. But I did not take anymore. My decision was irrational an based on the pure thought of relief. Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself and sometimes I feel anxiety as I am unable to work or make commitments.  So I will carry on because if you good folks can then I really need to try harder.

Cuddlemuffin, don't feel ashamed or like a loser.  I wake up every morning feeling freaked out and afraid and then pace around some days because I feel so weird and everything looks off and the anxiety and panic and obsessing with the least amount of stress.  I did keep my stash of pills and am tempted all the time to take one.  You're not alone in how horrible these s/x's are and how unbearable it is to live this way.  They say it gets better, so that's the hope I cling to.  Even the snow and bright sunlight today were too bright when I woke up and I thought I would need sunglasses all day inside.  It's unreal what this has done to us. 

Hi Cuddle-

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. There are a lot of us here who are a hair's width away from throwing in the towel at any given moment and swallowing a rescue dose. You're not a loser....you're just a human who has been suffering for so long and just wanted a little peace.

 

We all need to carry on. I truly wish you a better night

 

Rosa

Hi..How were you feeling before June 2013?  Did you suffer from anxiety before.  Were you doing well before June 2013?  Don't feel ashamed.  I know how you feel.  I think about taking a Valium a lot because I feel maybe it will help my anxiety.  I reinstated six weeks after I stopped c/t.  Then I stopped again c/t.  It has been hell for me.  I never had any of these symptoms before, and now I feel horrible.  Please keep the faith and know we are here to support you.  I heard from reading on line that the symptoms can come back, hang in there!  Again we are all here for you!   

Thank you Becksblue, Rosa, Sonria...your responses were so empowering. In July I really felt 60% improved and like most people the first months were, well a mess. I could never, ever, ever have imagined that this could get worse, but it did. You are all very gracious and kind. I will carry on. Thanks again :smitten:

I never imagined it could get worse either.  The physical stuff is better, but the mental is not giving me a break, only in some ways.  I probably need to be on an antidepressant, but I tried, and they rev me up bad.

Hi Becksblue..I was a serious abuser of Ambien but I never abused the Ativan. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I would be 80% better if the akathisia were to stop. Mentally I feel ok but then again I'm not very mentally challenged at this point. I guess that whatever we imagine life would be "just if" is not something to count on at this point of our healing. I do take Trazadone for depression but I started this before I stopped the benzos. Thanks for your support

Cuddle,

I'm only 3 months off and I have thought about taking a Valium several times. If I was as far out as you are and still felt like that I might cave in as well. I'm sorry you are still feeling so bad that far out. Don't feel ashamed and know that you are very strong. Most people can't handle a day of this!

Thanks Cool35...all of your support is amazing. It's true, the road we have chosen is the road less traveled.

Sorry you are beating yourself up over this cuddlemuffin. No need to though! One dose is no big deal. Have read many, many people here taking a few rescue doses and then carrying on as if nothing happened. I can only imagine the temptation if benzos actually worked for you and the relief you think it could provide. For me taking any benzo for relief is impossible as they never worked as intended, so I press forward without temptation. Only thing that ever worked was one visit to the ER and a shot of Ativan. On the other hand, it's kind of scary knowing that reinstatement is 100% not an option.

 

If I can do it so can you! Pat yourself on the back and hop back up on that horse