Not doing very well.

I need to vent a little.

I have been tapering for 29 months from 12 mg V equivalent... I am down to almost 2.9 mgs now after 22 years on.

My problem is anxiety... I get it really bad... but I will try and explain where I am at now and why this is not getting much easier.

I tapered daily for the first 7.5 months of my taper non stop, no holds but I adjusted my cut on the way down when I started to feel particularly bad... it worked but at 7.5 months in at approx 4 mg V equivalent I hit a wall and pushed on (stupidly) and I was hit with not just anxiety but sheer terror, panic attacks followed and I felt truly horrendous... I made a small updose but for a week, I suffered extreme morning vibrations upon waking, it was so bad I was scared to go to bed at night, it was basically a week of utter terror.

I eventually stabilized a week later and actually broke down in tears as I thought when I had the extreme panic that I was totally going to go psychotic... it was BAD and I lost a huge amount of weight after that episode...

Since that time I have tapered very, very gradually and it has taken me many, many months to eek down from 4 mg to 2.9 mg (I never thought I would get to 3 mg but eventually I got there)... but one other time, en route down, despite going super slow, I would still occasionally have hits of pretty bad anxiety and I developed inner vibrations and palpitations over night also... it was not good at all and I even got facial tics... once again, totally unexpected and I had to (again) make a tiny updose and I subsequently started on propranolol 10 mg for the palps.

At 3 mg I felt a shift in my brain and I gained even more clarity of mind...

My problem NOW is that here I am, with a clearer mind but the anxiety has returned and every time I make some tiny cuts, I still feel withdrawals... I cannot taper daily on an ongoing basis anymore as my cuts build up and I do not want to get slammed again... so I taper slow... I have no choice really... but right now I am with this anxiety yet again and I am thinking that I can't go on with this level of discomfort every time I make the tiniest reductions... yet I know that if I cut bigger, I will be signing up for more horrendous panic attacks... and I just can't taper myself into a complete mess... I know for a fact it just won't work.

I was prepared to taper for another year or more just to reach 2 mgs... but even going this slow, I cannot understand the anxiety... I have tinnitus also... and generally I am not very functional when I am feeling this level of anxiety... in fact, I had bad anxiety from my very first cut until I adjusted my taper rate... I have never, ever been able to make even a remotely decent sized cut.

I have healed a lot on the way down but this seems to be getting harder in many ways... and I just don't know what to do any more... I pretty much always stabilize (eventually) but the fact is, taking this long would be acceptable IF I had more tolerable anxiety, but for every small reduction, I get to feel bad for up to 2 weeks...  to live in fear for a good half of every month is really wearing me down now and I just can't see myself doing this for another year let alone two or three... and I am trying to do a very slow taper here but it just does not seem to be working any more and I just do not know what to do, this is a truly miserable existence most of the time.

I live with someone that is very supportive but sometimes I just find this is too much and that the length of this taper is really getting me down now also... I literally cannot cut any slower...

I do feel about 85% when I get stable but when I am feeling cuts, I feel really rubbish... I look terrible and sometimes I wonder how bad it must be to be under this amount of stress for so long... I mean, when I feel bad, I feel not that dissimilar to how some who have jumped feel from what I read... but it is the anxiety that really gets me down...

If I cut faster, I would no doubt get huge palpitations again and not just anxiety but terror... and so, instead, I am living in this slow agonizingly slow taper and at times I just think I can't do this for much longer...

I made a vow to get to 2 mgs as I have heard then it gets better but in all honesty, I am starting to think that this may not get any better and I am not sure if I want to live years in the anxiety state... I just feel ill too much of the time and there is no way I can go slower... but at the same time, how the heck am I supposed to keep going feeling like this?

I just feel totally at a loss at how to get off this drug these days... because the truth here is that I have no life... it seems to be a case of live with anxiety for most of the time for a long time or force myself to go through panic attacks and the acute stuff to get off sooner and pray i make it... but in all honesty, I don't think I could do it... so I feel stuck in this arduous taper not knowing when it will get better... if the anxiety does not start to get better within the next year, I am not sure I will want to carry on with this... after all these years, this drug seems to be impossibly hard to quit, even going super slow no longer works but getting off prematurely will probably result in a long period of extreme anxiety post taper, so this is what I am reduced to after all my efforts so far... it's just ridiculous.

I feel almost beat by this... I really do... I have no life whatsoever and that just tells me that no matter what I do, quitting this drug is going to cause me long lasting misery no matter what and I am not sure if I have it in me to keep going for that amount of time... it is just horrible living with this constant anxiety... and seeing others feeling the same at much, much lower doses... it just makes me want to quit trying to be honest but reinstating is the last thing I want... but after all these years, I cannot help but wonder if it may actually be in my best interest... I am not prepared to go through 2 years of terror... anxiety is bad enough... but terror? After tapering two and a half years already?

As I say, this is not getting any easier and sooner or later, something will have to give... if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

Thanks everyone (for anyone that read this anyway).

I just read what I posted, I suppose I just have to keep on keeping on... and hope to get some respite every time I stabilize, but in all honesty, I am tapering so slowly that this is going to take years... I could try a bigger cut and see where that gets me but the idea of that just fills me with dread... as I say, sometimes I think I have been on this drug too many years to pull this off.

I will keep trying but this has to get better and long before zero... it just makes no sense to feel this level of withdrawal with such minuscule cuts... it's just crazy... it takes me months to lose just a tenth of a mg of Valium... maybe that is where I am going wrong, maybe this is simply too slow now... is there any such thing?

Either way, it's going to be hell getting off this drug, no wonder some just jump and get this the hell over with.

I sleep, albeit strange hours...

I eat well.

I have good home support that knows this is a long process...

I do seem to get stable to a degree eventually...

I do not have palpitations.

I do not have inner vibrations.

I am not dying.

I just have to surf this wave and keep on going...

Better days come... they always do.

I can't quit now... but I admit, sometimes I wonder why the hell I am doing this...

Ignore me, I will bounce back... it could even be in a day or two, I just get so weary of this when in a wave... I have been here before many times and wanted to throw in the towel... and I am always glad to still be here... it's just at times it feels like this is taking far too long...

Time to go distract...

Keep on everyone... it's not always easy but it seems we all get there in the end.