Long term users in recovery thread (10 years +)

 

I thought it would be interesting to hear from other LONG TERM USERS regarding recovery... especially 10 years and upwards, either tapering and/or off and still healing.

 

22 years + here... and crawling down from 12 mg equivalent and now at 2.9 mg... would like to hear from other long term users regarding coping with withdrawal and the journey back to our long lost selves.

 

 

 

Before Klonopin, I was on Ativan (for years before and at the same time as Klonopin). Assorted other psych meds, off and on, for the last 25 years … so yeah, long-term here.

 

Now that my brain is coming back online, I'm dumbfounded by it, really, but I'm so looking forward to freedom. 

Before Klonopin, I was on Ativan (for years before and at the same time as Klonopin). Assorted other psych meds, off and on, for the last 25 years … so yeah, long-term here.

 

Now that my brain is coming back online, I'm dumbfounded by it, really, but I'm so looking forward to freedom. 

 

Hi NoKlonoNo 

 

Good job on your taper !!! How are you doing?

 

I am sort of wondering what my real self is like... I can vaguely remember but it was when I was 19, I am now almost 43... YIKES !!! 

 

Please feel free to share any thoughts here, experiences tapering, thoughts on freedom etc... it's all about long term use here. 

 

I feel I am starting to get more clarity already but I am not quite low enough yet to be able to say the good healing has kicked in yet but I am hoping it is not that far off now...

 

 

 

What a great idea for a thread Oscar!  I'll join this group.  I'm over 7 months benzo free.  I was prescribed Xanax every night for more than 25 years for sleep, taken one time per day at bedtime.  Prior to using Xanax, I was prescribed Halcion to be taken as-needed for jetlag on my honeymoon.  This is when my insomnia started and it didn't resolve after the honeymoon.    I don't know if the Halcion caused the insomnia or if the jetlag did, but I can trace back to exactly when my problem started.  This benzo madness started for me 30 years ago! 

 

So, when the insomnia didn't resolve and my mother saw me struggle with not sleeping, she started giving me some of her Xanax tablets on a routine basis to help with sleep.  My use started with as-needed dosing.  Finally, I realized I needed my own prescription so I saw a psychiatrist whom I began a 25 year long relationship with who treated me with Xanax for insomnia.

 

My taper lasted 9 months.  I tapered 3mg of Xanax to zero, (equivalent to 60mg of Valium).  It was tough, but I managed and endured the symptoms because I knew they were temporary.  The lower I got in dose the better I felt.  By the time I jumped at .0625mg, (1.25mg Valium equivalency), I could hardly feel my dose reductions.

 

I'm doing great so far post-taper.  My remaining symptoms are tinnitus, occasional non-painful vibrations/electrical feelings in my legs and I still don't tolerate stress very well.  But considering how awful I felt during tolerance, I feel wonderful.  I believe my remaining symptoms will resolve within the next year or so and then I will consider myself healed.  However, if I stay feeling as I do now for longer than next year, it's ok because I feel pretty darn good, for me.  In other words, I don't fear being protracted, (if this is what winds up happening), because I can easily deal with the remaining symptoms I have.   

 

Thanks again Oscar! 

 

 

What a great idea for a thread Oscar!  I'll join this group.  I'm over 7 months benzo free.  I was prescribed Xanax every night for more than 25 years for sleep, taken one time per day at bedtime.  Prior to using Xanax, I was prescribed Halcion to be taken as-needed for jetlag on my honeymoon.  This is when my insomnia started and it didn't resolve after the honeymoon.    I don't know if the Halcion caused the insomnia or if the jetlag did, but I can trace back to exactly when my problem started.  This benzo madness started for me 30 years ago! 

 

So, when the insomnia didn't resolve and my mother saw me struggle with not sleeping, she started giving me some of her Xanax tablets on a routine basis to help with sleep.  My use started with as-needed dosing.  Finally, I realized I needed my own prescription so I saw a psychiatrist whom I began a 25 year long relationship with who treated me with Xanax for insomnia.

 

My taper lasted 9 months.  I tapered 3mg of Xanax to zero, (equivalent to 60mg of Valium).  It was tough, but I managed and endured the symptoms because I knew they were temporary.  The lower I got in dose the better I felt.  By the time I jumped at .0625mg, (1.25mg Valium equivalency), I could hardly feel my dose reductions.

 

I'm doing great so far post-taper.  My remaining symptoms are tinnitus, occasional non-painful vibrations/electrical feelings in my legs and I still don't tolerate stress very well.  But considering how awful I felt during tolerance, I feel wonderful.  I believe my remaining symptoms will resolve within the next year or so and then I will consider myself healed.  However, if I stay feeling as I do now for longer than next year, it's ok because I feel pretty darn good, for me.  In other words, I don't fear being protracted, (if this is what winds up happening), because I can easily deal with the remaining symptoms I have.   

 

Thanks again Oscar! 

 

 

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well now, Juliea. For you, of course, but selfishly, it's good for me to hear as I prepare to jump. 

 

Like you, the lower I go, the better I feel. I have my share of symptoms, but yes, they're temporary, so on I go. (I usually feel better after a cut, anyway, and hope that continues.)

 

 

I feel I am starting to get more clarity already but I am not quite low enough yet to be able to say the good healing has kicked in yet but I am hoping it is not that far off now...

 

Isn't clarity wonderful? I have a lot more of it now than I had before I started tapering. Enough to see how unclear I got on Klonopin, anyway--and it's rather shocking. Benzos are insidious that way, at least they were for me. Klonopin changed some core stuff about me (e.g., I became cognitively dull, uncreative, unmotivated), but those changes were so gradual that I thought they were coming from within, when in reality, I wasn't changing … I was being changed. I see it now that I'm sort of coming back to myself.

 

As for who that self would have been or who it will be after … unknowable, of course. I do know that, despite benzos, I learned over the years to live with uncertainty.

 

Good thing, right? 

i actually took my first benzo (4 tabs--5mg valium=20mg V all at once) when i was 15 yrs. didn't know really what they were or what they would do but i downed 20mg Valium all at once from my mother's stash--thanks mom

 

and i just got off them again about 19 months ago. even though i did have 7 years benzo free between 1995-2002 including a seizure--i've basically been on and trying to taper from all benzo's (mostly klonopin and valium) some ativan and xanax for 25 years which also includes opiates and intermittent use of soma.

 

everything i went through when i was benzo free during those 7 yrs is coming back to me and i now realise i was suffering from protracted withdrawal symptoms which ultimately led me back on klonopin for another ten plus years. opiates too as well as soma again. my message is be careful if in protracted wd that your thoughts and what's happening in your body don't lead you back to benzo's-- it's sneaking.

 

i was diagnosed with MS in 2002 when i started having weird electrical sensation down my legs and squeezing in my feet that came on what seemed like out of the blue and over night. (again, now realising that must have been a setback of some kind due to severe stress) and i possibly do not have MS at all but there are leison's on the brain MRI scans which i worry about.

 

otherwise, every symptom i experience for the last ten years and now seem to all be benzo related. not only have i been on all benzo's for a long time but i've been on very large dose's of benzo's and always trying to either rapid taper or ending up cold turkey which is why i am still kindling. as well as always trying to taper from opiates. i just cold turkey'd all the soma.

 

i shouldn't be alive from this last cold turkey. i think it was my 12th c/t in my whole life. i'm still so revved up with many brain vibrations and brain moving sensation that nobody else seems to have. although i know everyone has their own way of describing their symptoms so even though i've showed lot's of people the video's i made to document all that my brain is doing, they still seem to not be able to relate which leaves me very scary about what the hell happened to my brain.

 

but i'm still alive and i do hope i am healing.

 

NoKlonoNo,

 

glad to hear you are returning to yourself!

 

 

Juliea,

 

glad to hear that you are doing great so far and congratulation on being benzo free over 7 months!

 

 

oscar,

 

it's good to crawl with your taper, believe me! you can do this and you are doing this now!

 

 

 

prettydaisys

I started with my first benzo script sometime in the early 80's.  I think it was with Ativan.  But I found benzos earlier in H.S. in the mid 70's.  Valium.

 

I dabbled with Valium as I could find it early on.  I would use it for anxiety relief, and to feel more comfortable in social settings, where I drank pretty heavily.  This pattern existed for me from the mid 70's until my first official script in the early 80's.  After which it was all downhill, only I didn't understand that, then.

 

As I've cleaned up over the last couple years I've come to believe that benzos had me from the first dose.  That includes the psychological and physical affects these drugs command from our soul.  As I look back on my history with benzos it's apparent to me that I started to lose some free will with the first dose, and the longer I used them, the more control they owned.

 

Anything I could tell you about my subsequent use in the upcoming 30 years is just a compilation of all the experiences all my buddies here talk about, so for now, no need to go there.

 

This will serve as my introduction on this thread, even though I've been posting here for close to a year.

 

For me the thing is that today I don't really recognize myself.  It's subtle in my mind, sort of, but it's wholesail.  Others in my RL will tell you it's not so subtle.  It's obvious and apparent to them.  It's very much in your face, as my sister likes to tell me.

 

For me, this journey hasn't ended with the abatement of the worst of the withdrawal symptoms.  In some ways it's harder now.  Before, all I had to deal with were the withdrawal symptoms.  Hard as it was, it's all I had to do.  Now, there's everything else.

 

I hate that we are all here with this common experience, but I get a strong sense of identity and strength knowing that I'm not alone with this struggle.

 

If my experience with withdrawals is any kind of guide for others, it does get better.  I read here about all the struggles others have.  Always with the understanding I have, that this is a solution for many of us.  I would gladly give anyone of you one of my days now.  This crap is going away and I feel better.  It seemingly takes forever, but it's undeniable for me.

 

Oscar, I'm just beginning to get to know your story.  As hard as it is now, the symptoms do get better.  Just hang in there.

 

Pretty, I know your story as it's written.  You're already seeing the healing.  You've spoken of it more than few times.  It feeds into your efforts.  Keep up the fight.

 

To everyone else, the goal is it's own reward.  When you start to feel it, this gets easier.

 

Being a long term user, I see today that I have even more to look forward to.  Withdrawal symptoms will go away.  Then, the rest of your life is yours.  To do with as you please.  That's all I ever asked for. 

 

 

 

 

I was put on Lorazepam in 1987 for anxiety. The Dr told me not to suddenly stop taking them, and that they might cause some short-term memory loss. Fast forward to 2013 and I've been on this drug for over half my life. 

 

I've been @ 3mg per day for the last 15 yrs. Started having IDW somewhere around 4 to 5 years ago but, thankfully, never increased my dose. Didn't realize what was happening to me—I just thought I was quietly losing my mind, and was sick all the time. I didn't understand why I couldn't make myself leave the house, or even do the things I love to do. Or a hundred other things that just made no sense. So I guess I would have to say that, however dreadful, I am relieved to finally understand what's wrong with me.

 

Splitting up my dose to 4 times a day has already brought on heavier w/d symptoms. I hoped to be in a more stable place before starting my daily taper, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I can only imagine what it will be like come January when I start the long, slow ride off this garbage.  I try very hard not to look too far down that road. 

 

Lea

After 25+ years of being on Xanax, I have been free since May of this year. My bad days now are like a good day on X if you know what I mean. I am grateful.

 

Blue

... would like to hear from other long term users regarding coping with withdrawal and the journey back to our long lost selves.

 

 

I haven't even addressed this on my blog yet.

My ativan still works for what ails me - anxiety, ptsd (but after 3.5 years in therapy that seems to be ok) and agoraphobia <--which seems nearly a sx of taking benzo?

 

Any-who - I keep trying to get on a stable dose after getting new doc to prescribed 1mg pills. Yet I haven't managed that yet. I look at a lot of this as trying to break habits. I know how very hard habits are to break-they're often ingrained in the whatever(words are failing me tonight). My emotions, brain and body don't know what life is like without drugs. Plain and simple. I  use ativan and many other legal drugs to settle my brain or attempt to get motivation---that is NOT working and I am giving up one of the upper type drugs after today due to realizing that over and over....4 days and I give up.

Related to my ADD drug not getting filled. A simple thing...I reached for something else to help me....and it does, then doesn't..and it leads me to more ativan use.

Enough!!!

 

I know this is all going to come to a head soon. I will either get another couple weeks under me at getting back on 1mg ativan am/ 1mg pm, and feel better, or I'll continue to self medicate to stop emotions from intruding too much into my brain and heart.

 

I want off the wonder drug because I cannot remember a lot of key points in my life.

I have a young daughter and she is the other reason tied into the above (losing memories).

 

I have nothing in me YET about seeing these as evil drug. They helped and still help.

Just....I'm also getting out of a denial bent, so am seeing the bad. There's a lot of bad....not

anything horrific, but certainly sad, and definitely something that I need to face.

 

I just seem to lack ability to actually FACE what I am stifling.

 

/do hope next post is more positive as many positive come out of at least facing fears/emotions/falling back/coming forward/addressing what I've shoved back for years.

 

 

oscar:

 

I had been on a very high dose of xanax, then C/T, then immediately went back onto xanax because I had all the withrawal symptoms which my doctor only regonized as a mental condition, not a withdrawal issue. Then I had enuf and did another C/T off a large amount of xanax, same thing happened. Got put on 10 mg K in 2013. All told, I was/am on benzos for 20+ years. So I am basically a high dose three time loser.

 

I'm doing a  slow taper, dropping .25 mg of K every three weeks with a slow transfer to Valium. So far, I'm down to 6.25 mg of K and the only side effect I have is chronic insomnia. I thought my taper was causing memory loss, lack of motivation, loss of energy, apathy, cog fog and a general feeling of unwellness.

 

When I just took a look at my pre taper journal, I realized I had the same exact problems while on benzos, so the tapering was not causing my symptoms; it was the drug itself. I want off this crap ASAP but since the C/T was a disaster, I'm accepting the fact that I'll be this journey for quite a while. But am determined to do this the right way for me. So far, except for insomnia and the issues with benzos in the first place, so good. Each time I cut I feel a tad better. Who knows what awaits me down the line. I can only hope and pray. I hope your taper goes smoothly.

those of you who are still tapering i wish you all the luck in the world and so happy that you are indeed doing sensible,

slow tapers. i tried and tried but just couldn't do that so had to take whatever step in order to get off these poison's

even if i meant i would die from it. i didn't care at that point.

 

i know everyone's taper and withdrawal is different but you have a better chance at a faster recovery and the avoidance of the kindling factor.

 

cheers,

pretty

I really hope all of this is with it. Lately, I'm starting to doubt I will ever be pill free. I was prescribed Klonopin, Ativan and Paxil when I was 14 after a close family friend was shot and passed away. They said I was suffering from anxiety. Now at 36 this is my second attempt at getting off the pills. I am 6.5 months off pills. I am in my last month of school and it seems like the anxiety, lightheaded-ness, agoraphobia, and tilt feeling are getting worse. I can not fail out of school in my last month, but my symptoms are feeling 911 worthy.

I really am feeling hopeless. Maybe I'm not built for this.

I really hope all of this is with it. Lately, I'm starting to doubt I will ever be pill free. I was prescribed Klonopin, Ativan and Paxil when I was 14 after a close family friend was shot and passed away. They said I was suffering from anxiety. Now at 36 this is my second attempt at getting off the pills. I am 6.5 months off pills. I am in my last month of school and it seems like the anxiety, lightheaded-ness, agoraphobia, and tilt feeling are getting worse. I can not fail out of school in my last month, but my symptoms are feeling 911 worthy.

I really am feeling hopeless. Maybe I'm not built for this.

 

all these symptoms are quite normal. and 6.5 months is a short time to still be healing from this. i started valium at age 15 yrs. and was benzo free for 7 years and got back on for another 10 years so i can relate to the second attempt stuff. never could i realize that it would be so much worse this second round. the thing is we are stronger than we know and probably more so than some other's who would not be able to handle this. give yourself some more time.

feeling much better and thiñk much more clear

 

I was asleep and blind for 10 year

 

How come benzos are still legal ¿¿??

 

dó you have a rational explanation for that? I can belive that they still prescribe xanax

 

i strongly reccomend to practice yoga or meditation, you dont have to be a spiritual o religious persón for that

 

unfortunatelly the only thing that makes me feel connected with my enviroment and absolutely relaxed is marihuana but im aware is not legal in your country, so I wont reccomend an illigal drug

 

cheers

 

 

i feel the same way about being asleep for 10 years! be careful with the marijuana southern, it can act on many different receptor's including the GABA.

I'll join in here too. I was prescribed my benzo as I was having trouble with sleep over 30 years ago so I think this qualifies as a long term user 

 

I finished my taper in May last year so I'm nearly 8 months benzo free now and doing quite well. Sleep continues to be troublesome but I expected this as my med was prescribed for sleep, the sleep is much better than when I was first benzo free. Still very sensitive to stress and going through a spell where muscles are very stiff and achey but overall I'm happy with my progress so far.

 

Thanks for starting this thread Oscar !

Hi

 

i was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks when i was 21 yeas old, in 2001. they put me on 10 mg of paxil per day and 0.50 xanax just at night. I took it a year and stopped. After a year free of both of them i had another attack and my doctor put me back onto the pills, same doses. i tapered down the paxil last year, last dose was march 2012, and i am trying to do the xanax right now ( i basically can not sleep without it). i was playing with my doses going to .25 sometimes and them coming back to .50 when a few days ago i started to have really bad back ,neck and sciatica pain, and prickling and tingling all over my body, more often in my hands and feet, skin weird sensations, IBS,my right eye doesn't stop twitching ( witch have been for a year i just didn't put the symptoms together)

I was able to taper the paxil which wasn't easy and i am ready for this now, my problem is i am so scared i really screwed myself up, i am hypochondriac so for me it is hard to believe that all this symptoms are going to improve and that they are related to just the xanax. I tell to myself that is such a low dose to create all of these problems, it has to be something else, something even worse. i am just scared all the time and it sucks,

i guess with all this i am trying to find some reassurance from you guys that this is really going to improve and that i am not alone and that i can heal once and for all.

love to all

Hi

 

i was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks when i was 21 yeas old, in 2001. they put me on 10 mg of paxil per day and 0.50 xanax just at night. I took it a year and stopped. After a year free of both of them i had another attack and my doctor put me back onto the pills, same doses. i tapered down the paxil last year, last dose was march 2012, and i am trying to do the xanax right now ( i basically can not sleep without it). i was playing with my doses going to .25 sometimes and them coming back to .50 when a few days ago i started to have really bad back ,neck and sciatica pain, and prickling and tingling all over my body, more often in my hands and feet, skin weird sensations, IBS,my right eye doesn't stop twitching ( witch have been for a year i just didn't put the symptoms together)

I was able to taper the paxil which wasn't easy and i am ready for this now, my problem is i am so scared i really screwed myself up, i am hypochondriac so for me it is hard to believe that all this symptoms are going to improve and that they are related to just the xanax. I tell to myself that is such a low dose to create all of these problems, it has to be something else, something even worse. i am just scared all the time and it sucks,

i guess with all this i am trying to find some reassurance from you guys that this is really going to improve and that i am not alone and that i can heal once and for all.

love to all

 

i also found it so hard to believe that such a little dose of benzo could make me feel so badly and not be able to move and so on but it's true. i don't think it's something else although being in this day in and day out with such bizarre symptoms can sure make us feel that way. i am pretty sure that is a symptom in and of itself. it will improve and you will heal from this. some of us take longer than other's. i'm taking awhile this time around. but i am healing every day.

Another long-term user here. This stuff doesn't want to let go, at least not any time soon. My life pretty much revolves around this taper now. Not what I bargained for . . .

One question,

Has anyone of you ever had the feeling like you bladder is super full and painfull?is liKe a UTI but at the same time i dont think it is!!i am wondering if it could be a w/d symtom because i have leg nerve pain also with it, so weirdddddd

 

Thanks

13 years on Valium for me (prescribed for fibromyalgia pain, although I know now that it was actually due to Lyme disease).  After a disastrous attempt at tapering last year - no, the year before now - I've been doing a daily taper for the last 10 months or so.  Still really wondering how many of my 'symptoms' are down to the Lyme and how much is withdrawal.  Wondering how much suffering could have been avoided. 

One question,

Has anyone of you ever had the feeling like you bladder is super full and painfull?is liKe a UTI but at the same time i dont think it is!!i am wondering if it could be a w/d symtom because i have leg nerve pain also with it, so weirdddddd

 

Thanks

 

Hi there,

 

Bladder pain and feeling the need to pass water very frequently is quite a common withdrawal symptom, I'm still experiencing this symptom and I have read many posts where this is discussed. For peace of mind you could give a water sample to your doctor but if no infection is found I think you can chalk this symptom up to another withdrawal symptom.

Here is a link I found where this is discussed, I hope it helps to put your mind at  ease :

 

 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=91569.msg1174499#msg1174499

 

 

Debbie x

Thanks Debbie!

31 years of prescription benzo use and I'm 21 months off now and doing well…back to a full and happy life.

Taper slow… slow…slow…

Challis