I'm starting to lose faith in ever healing...

I'm 195 days into this post-benzo hell and it just doesn't seem to be getting better. It DID get better for a while, but now it's gotten bad again and this wave I'm in makes me feel about where I was at the 2 month mark, which is not what I expected to feel like when I thought about where I'd be at 6.5 months!

 

I don't have any choice but to keep on going, but I can't get any sleep and I just feel really helpless and depressed. I had a horrible dream that woke me up at 3 a.m. and I've been up ever since. I went for my morning walk and put in an extra 19 minutes, walking for one hour, 19 minutes. I picked up 85 aluminum cans during my walk, which is one shy of my all-time record. I should be feeling good after that walk, but I just feel depleted, old and tired of this crappy excuse of a life.

 

I apologize for whining. I've never had much patience with the whiners here at BB, and now I find I've become one. I've lost any motivation and enthusiasm for getting free of benzos. Fortunately, I don't have any! Instead, all I have is a big ol' crappy, depressed life filled with anxiety. This bites big-time!

 

 

After doing something for a long period of time, you get used to it. No matter what it is. Good or bad. War, drugs, abuse. You will get used to it. Changing your life will cause strong emotions, mainly relief and euphoria directly after changing a bad habit. After the initial relief I believe everyone will experience disappointment and somekind of void that needs to be filled. I think that's your answer: fill the void with something entirely new. Maybe your old walking habit won't suffice anymore to scare the negative thoughts away. Is there something you'd like to learn or experience?

 

I think disappointment comes from the understanable but irrational thought that something good will follow after you've done something good. I know I wanted to be rewarded for changing my life. But alas, the world didn't really care since that's the harsh truth: whether I'm there or not, the world will keep spinning around.

Tex, You are like me in that I remember from your posts that you will get out there and do new things or even repeat old things instead of sitting around.  Not that sitting around is in and of itself bad because sometimes we have to in order to rest and recuperate. When I am feeling bad in a wave I try to get up and do something anyways, like take a walk or go to a nearby store.  It increases my confidence because I think to myself if I can do this when I feel completely horrible, I can do this when I am  not so bad.

 

You will completely heal, I know it.  I watch movies also when I am in a rut.  NOt scary ones though, touchy feely ones, chick flicks some call them.  I know you are a male but it still might help.  Or comedies cheer me up too.

 

Hope you feel better.

 

Peace and Blessings

Snufi

 

Ah, sorry to see you having these feelings Tex. This process will suck the life out of you, and the side effect of little or no happy emotion compounds things. I've been feeling this quite a bit the past couple weeks. It's hard. I've had other times of feeling hopeless and it went away. Think back to that window you had not long ago. From your description it sounds like things were exciting and fun, easy to go and do whatever you pleased.

 

I had a bad dream or something a couple night ago and woke up around 4:30 AM filled with dread and fear. No bad thoughts to go along with it, just a horrible feeling. Eventually the feeling passed as the day wore on.

 

This isn't whinning at all, this is how we all feel at times when a wave gets bad. Or we are tired of being limited in what we can do for months on end.

 

I'd love to go for a run and do a great day of shopping with my family but they most always ramp up symptoms. Instead I've been awakened by a knock on the door from my neighbor holding my car registration and other papers in his hand. He found them in his yard. Someone robbed my car and threw the stuff out in the street and all over the inside of my car.

 

The day has to get better for us from here Tex. Flow along with the wave and do the best you can to pass the time. Take care Buddie! 

The bigger they are, the harder they fall... This logic goes for windows and waves too. You will have more windows after this, that means you're healing.

Tex, you were in such a good window! I'm so sorry, and don't worry about sounding whiny, that's par for the course. I'm so sorry, I went into a wave right before you and you were so comforting to me. I know what you mean, I felt like the nightmare was finally over this past month, and the return of any symptoms was one of the most devastating things I've had to endure so far.

 

Focus on ANYTHING ELSE. THat's what I keep finding. If I can focus on ANYTHING, even if I have to look at a random object and focus everything onto that object for a few minutes it stops some of the symptoms. Not many of them, but it forces my brain to focus outward and not loop on some thought about my health (or whatever else). It doesn't do that much, but does keep me from driving the rest of my system further and further up.

You're in that really tough stretch Tex. I remember it well. I'm just starting to pull out of it.

 

Look at it this way, you're likely past the halfway point in your recovery, or better. You handled six months. In another few things might be much better.

 

Be strong my friend!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It has been a long time since just making it through a day has been this hard. It is almost noon here, and I've essentially been up now for 9 hours, though I kind of dozed on and off from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. In another 9 hours it will be 9 p.m., and then an hour later it will be time for bed and, thank goodness, this day will be over.

 

I know I can make it, hour by hour, through this day. I can only do that. I can hope tomorrow will be better, but it may be or it may not be. It will be what it will be and I'll deal with that tomorrow. I wish I could say things have improved as today has gone by, but they haven't. I just push through this one day.

 

I appreciate your support and kind words. I'm glad some of you are doing better. That gives me some hope. What a horrible, horrible journey it is that we share, eh?

Hey tex:

 

Its possible and probable that lack of sleep is compounding the problem big time. Thats what happens to me. If I dont get propper sleep my symptoms are much worse.lack of sleep in this process leaves me feeling numb and even deeply depressed the next day with a lot of anxiety.  If i get propper sleep i feel much better.

 

Maybe thd insomnia is contributing to what you're feeling?  Just a thought. Hang in there, this wave like all the others will pass.

Tex...that ugly feeling of being stuck in this forever is part of the syndrome. It is debilitating and cruel...it is also not true. When I feel this way ( unfortunately often these days ) I tell myself it is a lie...it is temporary...we are healing and will be well someday soon. We are right here with you.

Warmly,

Carita

Thanks, everyone. My old buddy Jim Beam is here visiting for the day. He's not moving back in permanently, but things had gotten so bad it was either have Jim come hang out today or head south for the hour-long trip (including crossing the bridge) into Juarez, where buying Valium is easy. That's not an option, so a little bourbon will be used today to take the edge off. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

 

Careful my friend, you've done so much of the tough work. Thrilled to hear a trip to Mexico is NOT in order. Please do anything you can to avoid that. It will pass Tex, it will pass. Keep walking and watch all the bad TV you can. 

TV watching and Jim Beam sipping are on the agenda. My wife is out with "The Bettys" a group of women friends who get together once a month for a potluck and to socialize, so I'm home alone and sipping on Jim Beam.

Well, not quite. Fireball, actually. It's a Canadian product -- whiskey and cinnamon flavor. It goes down easier than Jim Beam and has much less alcohol.

Careful with the ethanol Tex. It's one of the main causes of benzo withdrawal failure. It would be a bugger if u set ur self back a few months....

 

Take care

 

Tex....really sorry to hear you are having ctummy day....you are so 'getting there ' in your recovery....please hold on...so many of us who have just jumped really look to you for inspiration and encouragement.....and we are all here for you....I don't think you are whining...I  you are feeling really disappointed after -4-5 months off the benzos....I hope this soon lets up for you Tex....thinking of you....wishing you a better day tomorrow....coop

I'm hanging in there. It's almost 8 p.m. here. I've sipped on the "Fireball" cinnamon whiskey, but not to an extreme. It's not going to lead me back to reinstatement or anything. I suspect there are a lot of people here who use alcohol as a palliative on days they're having a hard time, but they don't want to be up front and honest about it. Well, I'm being honest and at 6.5 months I had one really crappy day that led me to use a liqueur (it's 7% lower in alcohol that "the hard stuff" like Jim Beam or Jack Daniels) to kind of numb myself.

 

More than anything it's nice to know I have it on hand in case I wake up at 3 a.m. again. I can down a couple of shots and drift back to sleep. This isn't something that's going to become routine, so not to worry, OK?

 

Y'all have a good night.

 

It's all good Tex!  I just had a couple social beverages at my office Xmas party. I wanted to have about 20 beverages just to take the edge off, so I know the temptation and openly admit it's an issue for me. I'm just wanting to see you pull through this my friend! 

 

I'm with ya on the rationale though. When I get to that stage of not being able to handle things, I'm going for the booze and not the benzos.....

Svenhoak, you are working through this? Wow, I had not realized that. How do you manage?

Hi Daze,

 

I'm not working right now. I took a leave of absence in month 2 of withdrawal. I'm going to start gradually returning to work likely either this month or early in the new year.

 

I need the distraction, and the social component.

Tex sorry man.  I'm feeling the exact same way.  Just hit four months and feel like I slid back to month one all week.  I will let others tell you it will get beteer but I will tell you you are not alone.  This does suck.

 

Someone a few posts back mentioned sleep and I know it is tied in somehow but which comes first.....  My sleep has been bad this week.  So have I slid back because of lack of sleep or is my sleep disturbed because anxiety and depression are high? I don't know.

 

Good luck.  Remember the good day you told me about in a post a few days ago.  Have a good one.

Right now I am trying to go around the clock with my sleep cycle (the fourth time this year) because benzos wrecked it for me. It is really confusing my body and I'm not getting the sleep I need. It will only allow me to move my sleep cycle an hour a day which means it will take another 10 days or so to get it around. I have very bad PMS right now too, my cottage isn't warm enough because we are having a cold spell and an owl viciously attacked me the other day.

 

To put it simply, LIFE REALLY SUCKS. This withdrawal is taking such a toll on all of us.

Well, it's Sunday and while I'm still in the damn wave at least today does not seem as bad as yesterday. Yesterday was just one of those really crappy days from the moment I got up until I went to sleep. I was so emotionally worn out that I went to bed a 9 p.m. and was asleep by 9:30. Of course, I was wide awake again at 2:30. I had a few shots of the Fireball, but that stuff isn't as strong as my Jim Beam, so it didn't really knock me out. I tossed and turned and finally went back to sleep about 4:30 and managed to sleep until 7 a.m.

 

I did my morning walk. It was 80 minutes and today I collected 90 aluminum cans, which broke my all-time record of 86 cans! There is a bar about half a mile from my house and I use "grabbers" to reach down and get ahold of aluminum cans. I got about 40 out of there. I could get more if I'd get in the dumpster like a proper dumpster diver, but I have my standards. I can't imagine wading around in a muck of beer, bottles, half-eaten food, plastic bags, etc. -- all in search of even more aluminum cans. My "grabber" works fine for me. Plus, this is just a side activity for me to engage in while I'm walking...

 

So, yawn, it's Day 8 of a crappy wave from hell. It's not as bad today as it was yesterday, which was just bad, bad, bad from dawn to dusk. So, onward I go, I guess...

 

Again, thank you for all the support and kind words. It means a lot. It really does.

Well, it's Sunday and while I'm still in the damn wave at least today does not seem as bad as yesterday. Yesterday was just one of those really crappy days from the moment I got up until I went to sleep. I was so emotionally worn out that I went to bed a 9 p.m. and was asleep by 9:30. Of course, I was wide awake again at 2:30. I had a few shots of the Fireball, but that stuff isn't as strong as my Jim Beam, so it didn't really knock me out. I tossed and turned and finally went back to sleep about 4:30 and managed to sleep until 7 a.m.

 

I did my morning walk. It was 80 minutes and today I collected 90 aluminum cans, which broke my all-time record of 86 cans! There is a bar about half a mile from my house and I use "grabbers" to reach down and get ahold of aluminum cans. I got about 40 out of there. I could get more if I'd get in the dumpster like a proper dumpster diver, but I have my standards. I can't imagine wading around in a muck of beer, bottles, half-eaten food, plastic bags, etc. -- all in search of even more aluminum cans. My "grabber" works fine for me. Plus, this is just a side activity for me to engage in while I'm walking...

 

So, yawn, it's Day 8 of a crappy wave from hell. It's not as bad today as it was yesterday, which was just bad, bad, bad from dawn to dusk. So, onward I go, I guess...

 

Again, thank you for all the support and kind words. It means a lot. It really does.

 

I swear I see a bunch of us on here that seem to be synced up.  Kind of like women and their cycles!  I am exactly on Day 8 of a wave and today is better than yesterday.  Not great, but better in many ways.  Maybe someone should check the tides or planetary alignments to see if these things hit us at similar times for some odd reason haha

 

Glad to hear today is a little better

Glad to hear you're doing ok Tex. I was concerned for ya. Good thing you're exercising. I really believe it's one of the key elements to recovery.

 

That stretch from months 4-7 was really tough. Things are much better in month 8.  Friday was a really good day for me. I crashed Friday night with a depressive wave again that lasted until supper on Saturday. Feeling pretty good today. Already spent two hours in the gym today.....