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i don't think i can do this....


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i know everyone says this at some point, but i'm so sick i don't know how it's possible to get off this drug.  i've been on benzos for 9 years and i've felt like crap ever since.  i had to quit my job and i basically live in a fog.  i have no life.  all i want to do is sleep.  my doctor wants me to go into rehab.  he's had several patients who went and said it was the best thing they ever did. i don't know. right now i take between 20-30 mgs a day of valium.  even when i take it i still feel like crap.  it's like it's not even working anymore, especially at night.  i'm thinking about going to a holistic doctor to help me with my anxiety.  maybe something would help while i try to get off this? i don't know what to do anymore.  i lost 9 years and i feel like i'm going to continue to lose more and more.  my life is pathetic.  if i didn't have a wonderful husband, a great kid and a supportive family i would have been gone long ago.  no one should live like this. 

i don't know what kind of advice you can offer.  i guess i'm mainly just venting.  sigh.  i hate my life.

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You switched over to Valium to taper I am guessing?  You have to decide a type of taper for yourself or chose the detox (which personally i would never do because of the stories, but I see some people on here have done.)

 

I tried cut and hold and I ended up in withdrawal halfway and had to go back up and now I am doing a micro taper and am feeling better. I still have some symptoms, like low energy and some aches and pains, but thankfully no bad symptoms that keep me in bed.

 

I know it will take a lot of time with how much you take but I myself have no other choice. All I know is the more I keep doing it the better I feel and can accept the amount of time it might take because I feel improvements.

 

I don't want to judge detox, but I have looked into it and see more bad than good, and I just don't want to take another chance and get deeper in. I know people with good results would not feel the need to report it on an internet forum.

 

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I'm so sorry you feel your life is so bad.  I'm glad you have great family support, though.  I had a supportive friend and this group and I know they made a huge difference on my darkest days.

 

I was on benzos for about 20 years and went really downhill the last 10 or so.  I didn't know it was the benzos causing most of the physical and mental problems so went from doctor to doctor and one prescription after another.  All that is just to say don't give up hope.

 

Since you say you feel like crap even when you take your dose and just want to sleep, maybe you are being over sedated on that amount of Valium.  Are you getting any kind of treatment for depression or therapy for anxiety, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?  I don't know that rehab is the best route; how long is the program?  Generally those that last just a few weeks can be pretty rough and there's little or no support after you are discharged.  Maybe your doctor could ask some of his successful patients to talk with you so you can get more first hand information. 

 

Btw, you can update the information in your signature by going to your Profile.  If you need detailed instructions, you can post on the Technical Assistance Board and someone can help you.  It would help everyone help you if they could see your updated benzo history.

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Perhaps you have arrived at the junction where it is time to take control of your benzo hell and try to do a slow taper as per the Ashton protocols. You are now on Valium and it is very, very possible to do this at home. Detox tends to go very fast leaving you with many symptoms and no support after discharge. I am in no way telling you what to do, just offering one possible way for you to move forward and become benzo free. Research via Dr. Ashton has established guidelines that outline a safer way to taper from these drugs without risking the possibility of protracted problems. If you do decide to taper slowly over time, this site has many resources and support.

 

In any event, please research all the options before committing to any one method. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you and your situation. I simply urge you to spend a little time looking into all your options.

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Brooke, you've come to the right place. Many here on BB were at the exact same place you are now and I'm one of them too. Meds weren't working, I just couldn't get happy after being on benzos for 15 years. I took a leave of absence from work. I'm completely off benzos now and am just waiting to heal.

 

It can happen for you too, and we're here to support you in any way we can.  :thumbsup:

 

I wish you all the best! ;)

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Thanks everyone.  I'll answer your questions tomorrow.  I'm very tired(what else is new) and have to go to bed.  My favorite thing to do!  The only time I can escape this hell.
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Brooke,

 

How are you feeling? I have to say that when I read your post it was very familiar. I agree that you will be able to find help here. I tapered off klonopin over 7 months before I found BB. I had never heard of the Ashton manual before that. It is the benzo bible and can really help you learn to taper. This is not easy. I have learned to pace myself and feel better for it. I know that no one gets out of this w/o paying the price but the help you will find here makes it easier.

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Brooke, I know you can do this , simply because you are Here! Venting it all out! That's a marvelous step.You can do this! Im in the exact same situation as you!

I've been on Clonazepam 3 mg a day for 10-12 years,and 1 mg Xanax for about a year and a half, and am going through what they call Tolerance Withdrawal. I

suppose this has been going on for years, and I (and my Primary Care Doc) thought it was a gamut of health issues. Turns out after reading The Ashton manual it all added up for me. Whammo! A giant kick to the gut! Gee, the meds I relied on for years aren't working anymore. So, with that said, maybe we can lean on each other, and our friends on BB, and get through this thing together! I ordered a 100ML graduation tube,and it'll be in my hands on the 6th so I can start tapering the Xanax first verrrrrrrrrrrry slooooooooooooowly. Then taper the Clonazepam slowly as well. I don't give a rats behind if it takes me 2 or 3 years! Then I'll attack the remeron (Mirtazapine)SSRI

Just remember , you have a great support system set up right here at BB!! You Can Do This!

 

                                                                              I wish you peace, happiness, and much calm, Pepsi Moon

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Hey I know what you are feeling. The same here... I can't really cheer you up much, I just wanted to say hi

 

All I have is a wonderful husband and a super cute cat:) The rest is horrible... Well maybe it could be worse...

 

You know it always could be worse - you could not have your family around or live in a war zone... Or something like that... You know it's all our perception in a way...Sure lots of people have better lives or health but so there are some who are in a lot worse situation...

 

Try to pray to God or practice surrender like they teach in yoga... Seek spiritual help I'm saying...

 

Or maybe think that if life is black and white then there is something good in store for you in the future because of all the suffering you are experiencing now...

 

Go give your hubby a kiss :)

 

:)

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Thanks everyone.  You're so nice.  :)  Rehab is out.  I called one place and they said they detox people in 2-4 days.  WHAT?  I told her that wasn't possible.  2-4 days?  I knew she was only the secretary so what did she know?  So...I'm on my own.  I'm currently on 20 mgs and feel about as bad on it as i do when i don't take it so i guess i built up quite a tolerance.  it took me a year to go off klonopin so i know what i'm in for.  i guess i just didn't want to deal with it.  but there's no reason to put it off any longer.  when going to bed is your favorite thing to do, you know you have a problem.

thanks for all the support.  you're the only ones who truly know what i'm going through.   

brooke

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We all have our own little tricks. My trick was to train my mind to love the anxiety.  I drink decaf and pretend it's amping me up, ya, ha,  it's just my process what can I say :angel:  :)

Tapering slowly sure helps me to keep this mental game alive.  I really started making gains when I started making daily micro cuts weighed out on my .001 gram scale.  The progress is digital and feels real when you do the math.  Very validating to see the results in numbers.

 

I was on a whopping 90mg of valium equivalent for 5 years and I am down to 23.7 equ. and I feel pretty good. Never thought it could happen to me either but after tapering a while your body just starts to handle the stress.  It just works.

The body follows the mind, do not know how else to explain it.

 

Rehab is a rip off and does not work for this drug.  4 day Rehab for benzo's should be considered CONSUMER FRAUD by insurance companies!

 

You can do it girl  :thumbsup:

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Hi Brooke

 

I am glad you are not doing rehab, their idea of a slow taper (I think its 12 weeks here, for all drugs types) is far too fast.

 

Many use the ashton method, but many come unstuck using that method as it involves knocking a chunk off and then waiting to stabilise.

I prefer the daily method, where you cut a smaller amount, determined by you, each day.

Each persons cut rate is different, so, to determine your own cut, I would do a test-cut of a small amount, and if that goes well, increase the size of your cut. If a cut is too big and symptoms break through, simply go back to the previous cut that did work.

 

If you are still sore on 20mgs, I would go up to a dose where you are feeling reasonable. (by that, I don't mean perfect, I just mean manageable)

If you start a daily taper symptomatic, you will just be chasing symptoms all the way down.

With daily cutting, any remaining symptoms, after getting to your comfy dose, will be tapered away.

 

I wish I had started my taper doing daily cuts, but I shied away from it, as benzo anxiety made me really fearful and untrusting of my own judgement.

I am doing fine on it now though, as i have found a cut that is working.

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I'm actually ok on 20mgs.  but now i just found out we're flying to FL in Feb  for a week so that gives me only 2 months.  i don't think that's enough time.  and whenever i travel i switch to klonopin and then go back to valium when i get home.  it's a lot stronger and i don't need as much.  i guess i'll see how i'm doing when we're about to leave and go from there.  i'll probably feel horrible but since i already feel horrible, why not feel that way in FL???  that's what my dad always says.  he obviously never went through this.
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I'm actually ok on 20mgs.  but now i just found out we're flying to FL in Feb  for a week so that gives me only 2 months.  i don't think that's enough time.  and whenever i travel i switch to klonopin and then go back to valium when i get home.  it's a lot stronger and i don't need as much.  i guess i'll see how i'm doing when we're about to leave and go from there.  i'll probably feel horrible but since i already feel horrible, why not feel that way in FL???  that's what my dad always says.  he obviously never went through this.

Hi

 

Maybe you would like to switch to liquid valium for more convenient dosing.

How about switching to liquid valium?

This will enable you to take your medication on holiday with you and a syringe, and dose without any problems like milk and fridges.

I believe that some brands can be diluted, so that you can microtaper off it, if you want to go the daily taper route?

 

If you don't want to do that, maybe you could postpone your taper until after your holiday?

It's only two months more to wait, and, what with Christmas taking up most of this month, it'll go by like a flash.

 

Have a think about it and weigh it up. Also, come back here if  you need to talk.

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Brooke -

 

Rehab for benzos works for the people who have an easy time getting off.

 

For the people that have absolutely no chance at a long taper and their life is a complete wreck and death is imminent, rehab is a better than death.

 

But for the majority of those in between, rehab is not a good solution.

 

 

I hope you keep posting so we can help you recover your life - it is possible, and I know it looks hopeless now, but we are here to bring hope to you. I made it from where you are, and you can do it.

 

Not giving up is the secret.  :thumbsup:  :smitten:

 

 

 

River

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i'll probably go as low as i can and then take the trip and see how i feel.  after that we're taking off again in june, july and aug.  there just never seems to be a good time.  it would be a piece of cake if i was alone, but i'm a mom and a wife.  that means driving, socializing, going to sporting events, parties, etc.    there's never a good time.  when i quit klonopin i wasn't married and i didn't have a child.  this time it's totally different.  i need 6 months all to myself.  preferably at a spa somewhere.  in my dreams.....      :)
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i'll probably go as low as i can and then take the trip and see how i feel.  after that we're taking off again in june, july and aug.  there just never seems to be a good time.  it would be a piece of cake if i was alone, but i'm a mom and a wife.  that means driving, socializing, going to sporting events, parties, etc.    there's never a good time.  when i quit klonopin i wasn't married and i didn't have a child.  this time it's totally different.  i need 6 months all to myself.  preferably at a spa somewhere.  in my dreams.....      :)

Would you consider doing a cross to valium and then going on the liquid?

That would be more convenient with holidays etc

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Brooke

 

Beeper asked a good question about depression. Your mood sounds pretty low. 4 day rehab is useless. You would be discharged with a bunch of valium still in your system. I got taken off 40mgs in 22 days, which is more reasonable, but still fast. I would definitely give tapering a try. Because of the drowsiness you experience, its possible that you haven't reached tolerance and the early part of your taper might be easy. But I think that an antidepressant may be helpful in the process. Best of luck.

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oh i'm depressed alright.  i've been sick for at least 15 years (won't go into details and bore you to death).  started in college.  i've taken every antidepressant known to man but they never worked.  still had the fog, which was/is my most annoying symptom. 

 

journey....i am on valium.  i meant i would need to take klonopin to get to FL.  i always switch when we travel.  it's stronger and lasts longer and i don't need as much.  now i'm on 20mgs of valium. 

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oh i'm depressed alright.  i've been sick for at least 15 years .  started in college.  i've taken every antidepressant known to man but they never worked.  still had the fog, which was/is my most annoying symptom. 

 

 

 

Brooke -  It would not surprise me if you got off of every med and gave yourself time to heal, that you would end up in a place where you are fine - with out the fog.

 

You are a completely different person and chemistry than who you were 15 years ago, and I bet that your meds are keeping you sick.

 

I hope you can have the opportunity to get benzo free and live a happy, non-medicated life.  :smitten:

 

 

River

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oh i'm depressed alright.  i've been sick for at least 15 years (won't go into details and bore you to death).  started in college.  i've taken every antidepressant known to man but they never worked.  still had the fog, which was/is my most annoying symptom. 

 

journey....i am on valium.  i meant i would need to take klonopin to get to FL.  i always switch when we travel.  it's stronger and lasts longer and i don't need as much.  now i'm on 20mgs of valium.

 

You'll make it to FL, with dad in hand maybe? BTW, valium lasts much longer than Klonopin does. Wishing you the best of your holidays and your continued taper.

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oh i'm depressed alright.  i've been sick for at least 15 years (won't go into details and bore you to death).  started in college.  i've taken every antidepressant known to man but they never worked.  still had the fog, which was/is my most annoying symptom. 

 

journey....i am on valium.  i meant i would need to take klonopin to get to FL.  i always switch when we travel.  it's stronger and lasts longer and i don't need as much.  now i'm on 20mgs of valium.

Hi Brooke

 

If I were you, I would not switch back to klonopin, it's best to stay on the same benzo when tapering.

You will be fine on valium as that is the longest acting.

 

best of luck.

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i remember how i was off these drugs.  i went to college, got a job and actually had a social life!  now all i do is sleep while my son is at school and my husband is at work.  i keep telling my husband to go out and find "a real woman."  haha.  that, i am not.  i haven't had a good day since the late 90's and that's pathetic. 

 

i'll consider staying on valium, but it just doesn't seem to work as well when i'm super anxious.  trips make me that way, especially when i have to fly.  thank goodness it's only my son who's going to  disney world!  i'll be at my dad's house sleeping. 

 

thanks for all the support.  my husband is sick of me so i have no one to talk to really and i cut all of my friends out of my life years ago because i'm not capable of being a friend, if that makes sense. 

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