Thanksgiving plans

I have family that will be around over thanksgiving and my dad was planning on having it at his house where i currently stay. Th e problem is, my family thinks that I am mentally ill and does not understand what this drug did to me. They can be pretty abbrasive, and make inappropriate and insensitive comments, and I am, trying to decide if I should skip the get together.

 

My dad thinks I should come out for a while but I loathe the idea of having to explain myself and defend myself to a room of disbelievers or sit there and pretend I am totally fine. It takes a lot of effort.

 

If I stay at the house and don't come out, I feel like I will be perpetuating the problem, so part of me is wanting to leave the house all together but I'm not sure where to go. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Thank you 

go to a movie

 

go to a movie

 

Yes, I thought of that. I am not sure if I am avoiding the situation out of habit now or because it's the right decision. I think it's a mixture.

You know the truth… you're dealing with benzo withdrawal.  If it were me, I'd make an appearance, be sociable for five minutes and take a plate back to my room if I felt uncomfortable.  This is about you, not them and if you're not up to being nicey-nice you can just be civil and then disappear. 

 

Challis 

I would try to attend and do the best I can. Sometimes we can build up all the worst-case scenarios in our mind, but then when we the time comes things turn out differently.

 

You might have one of your better days, enjoy some food, a little chit-chat and nobody makes any mention of your w/d. The worst that can happen is some arguing and you remove yourself from the situation and move on knowing who to stay away from moving forward.

 

Pretending you are fine is good practice. I believe it can speed our healing exposing ourselves to uncomfortable situations and building ourselves back up over time. Believe me, I know how tiring and old "pretending" gets, but sometimes it's all we have.

 

I'm leaving for the dentist shortly for fillings. Been having some negative thoughts about it yesterday and today. Instead of building the thoughts up, I'm shutting them down. The worst that can happen is I'm too uncomfortable to sit there and have to get up and leave. No big deal, I'll survive. And it's highly unlikely so no sense in making myself upset by envisioning it.

 

Hope all goes well for the holiday no matter what you decide to do 

According to your signature you are 16 months off benzos, after using for 16 months on and off over a 3.5 year period.

 

At some point you are going to have to re-engage with the world. (Seven sentences "gettingthere" found offensive have been removed by Tex67.)

 

I wish you luck...

 

I believe InaDaze makes some valuable points.  One thing I would be mindful about, if it was me, be aware of "toxic" people and how they effect your stress. Levels and give yourself permission to trust those feelings.  I get a ton of support from my CBT therapist about this.  Sometimes it is difficult for family members seemingly like yours, to understand.

 

I believe in "gutting it out" as much as I can.  Sometimes I do this OK these days.  Evidently it actually helps to rewire your brain.  On the other hand, Thanksgiving can be such a great stressor for some of us, it may trigger us as we physically can access coping mechanisms.

 

Oh, I feel for you and the lack of supportive family.  I don't know what I would do if we had to go to L.A. again this year for T-Day to be with my toxic in-laws.

 

Can you lift judgment and not beat yourself up like we all do these days?  I agree that catastrophizing and predicting the future are cognitive distortions.  Usually, we waste a lot of anxiety about things that never happen.

 

Perhaps a plan would help.  We are here to support you on Thanksgiving.  If you feel like crap can you leave and let your body heal?  If your relatives don't understand, that is their problem.  As far as I'm concerned mental illness is a treatable disease anyway.  Some will not understand that.  I would love to help lift the shame.  Mental illness or not, please take care of yourself.  Love the movie idea.  I couldn't do that at this stage in my recovery.  If you can, great.  If you don't feel well.  I love the idea of removing yourself from the situation however you can.  I got triggered that night by going to a birthday party full of lovely people however it triggered me.  Toxic people are the worst.

 

I need not go on.  I'm having a rough day and hope I can coach myself through the day.  The holidays are rough.

 

Please take care.  We are here for you on Thanksgiving.  I predict this site will be hopping.

 

Peace, WILLDOIT

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments and it's given me more to think about. I know that pushing myself is necessary, but at first, I feel like I'd like to do it with people I feel safe with, as I have been doing all along. Most people are encouraging me to give it a shot. I guess because my extended family can be pretty toxic, I am more ambivalent.

 

Thanks for the support 

 

 

To tex, I really did not appreciate your comment. The fact that I am 16 months doesn't mean much, some people take longer to heal than others. Please stop passing judgement, saying at 16 months you should be able to do so and so. This is simply not the case for some of us, and I would appreciate supportive comments and not judgement. This is the reason I am thinking of avoiding thanksgiving, because of judgmental family members, and you just offered an example of what I am trying to protect myself from.

 

I also don't 'hide in my room' as you suggest. I go on walks and drives everyday, go to the store, see friends and family I feel safe with. I just can't handle certain kinds of people and events yet.

Hi Getting There,

 

I support your plan w/I judgment.  I wish I could find a supportive couple with whom to dine.  Good for you.  You know. There are days when it plain tough to get out of the cave, I don't care if you're in one:). I find it hard when we'll meaning family members do the "shoulds," it seems to make us feel worse.  Good for you for getting out when you are up to it. 

 

Toxic people are extremely difficult anytime!  Given our lack of coping skills due to w/d it is a double whammy in my opinion.

 

Hang in there, sometimes it is my the skin of our teeth!  The wave will pass.  I am really trying to suspend my judgment, as well.

 

WILLDOIT

go to a movie

 

Yes, I thought of that. I am not sure if I am avoiding the situation out of habit now or because it's the right decision. I think it's a mixture.

 

If they respond in a way that invalidates what you are going through or if they are abrasive, insensitive or rude, then AVOID THEM. For the love of God, nobody needs to put themselves through that. And honestly, I am the first person to say to hell with family if they don't behave in a civil manner. But I was raised by a narcissistic personality disordered mom and lived through pure hell. Still do at times though it's limited. And I am firmly in the camp that blood relations are irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant is how someone makes you feel. If they can't be nice, screw them. Truly. They are TOXIC. Nobody needs toxic people in their lives. And as for how it makes you look... well, these are the sort of people that will find fault with you no matter what. You do not owe these people anything. You owe yourself the right to not have to sit there and feel invalidated or mocked for your suffering. F**K them. Truly. You deserve better!

 

HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED:

 

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry you have to make this decision. You can come to my house and we can be mentally ill together. Lol.

 

We know its it out fault and its hard for others to possibly know what were going through. I think you should go with whatever makes you comfortable.

Sorry, gettingthere. I didn't mean to offend. I've removed my comments.

 

My story, as usual: open mouth, insert foot...

You know the truth… you're dealing with benzo withdrawal.  If it were me, I'd make an appearance, be sociable for five minutes and take a plate back to my room if I felt uncomfortable.  This is about you, not them and if you're not up to being nicey-nice you can just be civil and then disappear. 

 

Challis 

 

THIS!!!

Have you seen the attached?  It is written by a Dr. going through benzo withdrawal.  If you shared this with your Dad he would better be able to explain to others what is going on.  Do your best to socialize, there may be some that are abrasive, but I bet they would all be supportive of you and would appreciate knowing what is going on.    As with anything the first step to be understood is to help others understand.  Good luck I sure do understand all your concerns about the holidays.

 

http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2012/08/05/how-to-support-a-loved-with-benzo-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

Sharil

 

Hi Gettingthere,

if some/most of your family is toxic, yet you see friends who aren't, I know what I'd do:

I'd avoid the family this year. You have demonstrated that you can and do go out and interact

with people, so don't kick yourself around if you opt not to be in a toxic situation.

As OMG wrote, if they don't "get it", well, avoid them. It's about YOU.

They aren't going through this. But maybe one of them may take some of these toxins

in the future--then you can direct them to this forum.

Just a few thoughts...

bestest,

Iggy 

 

Thank you everyone 

 

I think I have decided to opt out. I would rather socialize on my own terms right now. I know my uncle has taken benzos and had no problem coming off, and he keeps telling my dad " there is something else going on with her" and my great aunt thinks I should see a psychiatrist since I have newly acquired agoraphobia   

 

Thank you for the support. Happy thanksgiving to everyone.

 

Maymay, ill see you on thanksgiving 

Thank you everyone 

 

I think I have decided to opt out. I would rather socialize on my own terms right now. I know my uncle has taken benzos and had no problem coming off, and he keeps telling my dad " there is something else going on with her" and my great aunt thinks I should see a psychiatrist since I have newly acquired agoraphobia   

 

Thank you for the support. Happy thanksgiving to everyone.

 

Maymay, ill see you on thanksgiving 

 

Good for you! I like that you are honouring yourself and where you are in your recovery.

 

I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving and hope you treat yourself abundantly!

 

Hugs,

Chinook

 

 

Hi again,

 

What is wrong with going to psychiatrist?  No shame.  Mine helped me with a manageable taper plan.  I feel better emotionally after getting his encouragement.

 

This w/d makes a whole lot of us feel as if we've become "agoraphobic."  That's the w/d talking.  I don't know your background we'll.  I can only imagine it may be fueled by family members who perpetuate the misguided idea that mental illness is shameful.  I am getting on my soap box and this is NOT aimed at you.  Lucky for you that you don't have to cope with depression, anxiety or any other mental illness.

 

I'm glad you have social support to help you heal. 

 

P.S.  Is there evidence that your family member did not have trouble with discontinuation?  Maybe it is another "family secret."

Glad you have come to a decision gettingthere. It makes no sense to push too hard if you are not prepared. I had to wait quite awhile to start pushing certain things. Haven't had many issues with family but can imagine it's beyond aggravating. Listen to yourself and forget what doubters might say. We're all here for you. 

Hi willdoit  agreed, there is NO shame in seeing a psychiatrist or taking medication (if it is helpful). I have close family that struggle mightily with depression and it's no joke. I've suffered from situational anxiety and depression off and on so I a, no stranger to those states.

 

I am only miffed because my family is so unwilling to accept the truth of what these drugs do, even after I send them literature or try to explain. They have their own misguided stories about what is going on with me.

 

You know, my uncle claims nothing happened but I know he had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation at one point, and was an alcoholic. I think many times, people get sick, but don't attribute it to the drugs.

Thanks innadaze. I am better than last year but still feel fragile.  it's frustrating, I thought I'd be able to do the holidays no problem this year. Thanks for the unconditional support, it makes me feel much better knowing I have you guys. 

Gettingthere..Inadaze has some excellent advice. I too am attending TG with stressful relationships. My daughter in law and I really struggle ..but she is the gateway to my grandchildren and son. I have been working with a CBT as well....I am learning to detach myself from a y negative...aggressive ..conflict that might arise. I have learner to view the troubled relationship as though it were a traffic jam...or bad weather...neither of which are personal...change who I am....or have a gyving to do with me...neither would either traffic or bad weather keep me from going to see my grandchildren. This has taken practice and continued practice. I have learner how not to get drawn into arguements or power struggles. I focus on Ny grandchildren (  the reason I am there). These staregies really work. I also agree that ' faking it until you make it ' is actually valuable...for me it built confidence that I could make it through uncertain situations and none of my worst prognostications came true. Having said that.. after I do something that takes a lot of effort I take the next day easy if I can. Leaving yourself an 'out ' really helps the trapped feeling. I usually say upfront that I can only stay an hour ( or however long you think you can handle) as I have other stops to make ( even if that next stop is back home) ....I totally love the strategy of imagining the worst case scenario ...actually practicing going in my mind to the situation I am most apprehensive of. ( for me that was I was terrified of having a panic attack in public). I have been able to re- write the ending of that scenario...if I have a panic I won 't die and the people who really care about me will help me without judgement...those who would judge me need not be my concern. I have actually had a panic at my grandsons school.No one even knew... I excused myself...found a private corner a d took all the time I needed to get back in my body and went back to the classroom...it seemed like forever but it was actually 20 minutes. This was actually one of the most important things that I have experienced in my taper. It is also one of the most useful coping strategies I have...If I waited until I felt ok to do anythig I would hardly ever leave my house. I sometimes think we forget that even before benzos tapers and w/d we had 'normal ' anxieties and apprehensions that we had to overcome in our every day life. I am going to TG at my daughter's in law...knowing that she is not fond of me....and my former husband will also be there....there are any number of possible negative situations that may come about.....I am going anyway to be with my grandsons...I will fake it until I make it...be my best self...be graceful ...and go home with wonderful memories of my grandchildren. I will be really tired when I get home...and will take it easy the next day ...and it will be worth the big effort

Very well written Cooperten!

 

I love the comparison to bad weather and traffic. Both are annoying but can be overcome to reach the destination. Some day we may no longer have to take a break or leave ourselves an out, but in the meantime while we have our struggles due to withdrawal symptoms they are excellent ways to regroup and continue on towards our goal. Great job, very proud of your strength! You are a great example for all of us to learn from.

Thanks for the encouragement Inadaze....your post really reinforced for me his important CBT has been to me in getting through my taper. It has been so with it...wishing you a great TG....cooperten