When is it me? I'm not numb anymore

Well I'm back on here. Took awhile being I was sick and my last few posts had little to no answers..figured if I'd type this out I might feel better. I'm just tapering from Valium now. Have to change my mgs..cuz it's lower. Has anyone been on ssris and benozs or both then after years feel like they "wake up" and are like omg..please I can not deal with my memories and emotions. The thing is I think my parents are verbally abusive. I'm so used to it and was raised in that way so I do not know if it's just because they are human and make mistakes..or if they are abusive. I'm always reminded it's always the meds never me. My sisters assume its the norm too and either do not show their hurt. Now that I'm on a lower dosage it's hitting a nerve. Things that crushed my heart as a child and left me scared. I can not talk to my father about anything being it turns into a screaming arguement..and I'm always wrong. They name call..make fun of me ..curse at me and make fun of me. It hurts..is it abuse..the withdrawal (what they want me to always believe) or them being human? I tell them what hurts me..but they keep doing it and act like childten. My dad laughs at me..always forgets what he says ..which is an excuse. I do not want to be numb anymore..but can not deal with this. My mom does this flip flop thing..one moment nice  then acts more mental then someone in a ward. I'm almost 30 and live with my parents and three younger sisters. My sisters have no compassion and they all say you are "just" coming off of a pill..My mom will never listen and always tells me to "let it go". I can't ..it hurts..once got into another fight with my dad and he said if your leaving take your animals too and laughed. He never said he was proud I asked and he said (which he forgot all of a sudden) that he would of sworn I'd relapse. In the start my mom was there, she is still doing her best, but I never know what mood she will be in. I know I'm 30 and all. She will text me when I'm downstairs..why can't she just come down? She went off the deep end screaming at me many times..saying I'm the reason why everyone is miserable. Yet she bought the books and was there for me for the first few months deeply. She has a form of understanding. I take care of myself and might need her a few times..but she always goes on about how I need to appreciate everything, and I do. I always say thank you..but thought being a parent in a thankless task. My dad curses at my mom and she accepts it and says that is who he is. I think its wrong..withdrawal or not..I've been sickly for most of my life and honestly feel so sad about reflecting of the demons that are springing up. I do not understand how this is acceptable at all. What do you think? Know this is not all benzo related. But I can not leave, have the worst broken heart and do not know what to think anymore. Please ..anything..? I will go see a therapist when I am well enough to keep appiontments.

Also after years of the mockery I have lashed out..started screaming back and cursing at them. I'ts not me..I would never do anything violent ever. I love them with all my heart..but I hurt myself for cursing at them. It feels good ..but I think about it and feel ..it's wrong and not me. I really want to say it's anything but. Cuz it hurts. Its not constant but comes and goes. It's always a reaction to something. My last cut was horrible and my mom for once said it was envirornment ..but nothing was done. My dad sees me sick and thinks because I look ok on the outside I'm fine. He does stuff sees it upsets me and does it more. Most of all laughing. He wants a reaction from me..I feel lost. I just want a family unit. My mom always is going on about other families being so horrible and J should be so lucky..but..I just do not like it. Typos..sorry touch screen phone.

Just incase there was some cinfusion. When I said I "hurt mself" in my second post. I mean inside. I do not do harm to myself. Want to make that clear. Just scared my mom might read this 

it's not acceptable and i'm going through the same exact thing. i have to live here until i am well again and nothing i can do about that right now and that hurts a lot.

 

i think that as you lower the dose, you see how they really are and you probably are more vulnerable to it then you normally would be. i also only react and then when i react my mother gets to say 'see how you are?" when that is not the case at all. i am pushed over the edge and provoked and provoked so i react but i am learning to not react.

 

when you are feeling better, they won't seem so abusive. but when you get really low and have a lot of symptoms, it does seem like more abuse. either way, whatever you feel, it's probably abusive. but that gets clouded over with other dynamics.

 

within people's behavior, they learn how to cover things up so we get to be 'scapegoats" now, i don't really know everything about your family dynamic but from all that i just read i could tell it's similar.

 

you can go through a grieving time that your parents are not who you thought they were or who you need and want them to be but after that you will feel relieved and free that it is not you and it never was you!

Thank you prettydaisys, I'm sure otger finally grow up and after 17 years of having this block on my mind think whoa?!? I love my family with all my heart...I think only when I am better that I can move on. They are not the types, most of all my dad to see it for what it is. So I will just have to move on. I have so long here..and these "outbursts" happen are swept under the rug and build up..then explide with me in tears and either my mom listening or me spending the whole day in my dark basement bedroom ..vomiting and alone. I have my bf who is in England. But how much can I throw at him. I just want to cry..but it wont solve anything and my tears burn..dunno if thats a benzo thing..?

tears burning could definitely be a benzo thing. sounds like your whole energy body is really hot and probably from all

the emotion you have right now and plus the benzo withdrawal and the cuts you've been making.

 

i love my family with all my heart too but it's time to let go and i don't have to like or accept the clear dysfunction that's been going on since i was born into this family. it's time to cut the chord even though i'm still living here trying to get well.

 

it's okay to see things clearly and not accept dysfunction and abuse, still love your family and still take care of yourself. that is true self-love and it's okay to do that. they will see it as self-love and a sense of responsibility that they may never have known how to do. you can teach them. it's hard when your trying to taper.

 

i tried and tried to taper while living with my parents and i just couldn't so i had to do what i had to do which was a brutal cold turkey from klonopin and now have a terrible brain injury. i honestly don't know how i've handled things thus far?--there has to be some spiritual help that i can only see in hindsight and not in the moment.

I'm sorry there is so much stress in your life. Benzo withdrawal does make you more sensitive but you are smart enough to know abusive behavior when you see it.

 

It's hard to love people who are nasty and aren't there for you. My Mom loves me but doesn't want to get her hands dirty, she just wants the problems to go away. She's always been like that.

 

The average person has poor coping skills and were only taught dysfunction by their parents. If you want to behave differently you are going to have to teach yourself from the ground up. Read books, talk to counselors, observe people who are kind and balanced and learn from them.

 

No one is perfect and everyone has growing to do. It's not a case of one being right and the other wrong. Sometimes it's just learning how not to respond to nastiness or hurtful ways.

 

My Mom has hurt me several times during this withdrawal by not being there for me and being selfish. I could have gotten angry with her but I chose not to because I don't need the stress during this time and she does help me to some degree so I take what I can get.

 

It seems to work better if I don't respond with accusations and anger. She seems to go away and think about things and then try harder.

 

I know it's difficult to take the high road when you are hurting but it does pay off. Keep loving and forgiving but also be aware that you are a valuable, worthwhile person who deserves love and respect no matter how people treat you. When you can, go out and find those good people.

I was on SSRIs for over 20 years and then was tapered off last year. My pdoc warned me that there would be a period of emotional sensitivity and re-awakening. Wow, he wasn't kidding. Crying at the evening news, memories and feelings welling up and overtaking me. It was rough. SSRIs make you numb. Off of them your feelings come back, but they overshoot the mark for a while. Even events that happened while you were on the SSRIs that you had little reaction to at the time, now suddenly you start remembering and reacting to them emotionally for the first time. It is quite an experience, but it does level out over the course of a year, getting better and better. By the one year mark I had pretty much stabilized.

 

This is just temporary and completely normal when coming off of any emotionally numbing psychotropic drug. Sometimes just realizing this and knowing to expect it makes it much easier to deal with psychologically. It WILL settle down.