Holidays

Family dynamics can be really difficult and with the holidays those dynamics often play out.  Even before w/d I found big challenges when dealing with family.  In w/d I feel so much more vulnerable.  I set a lot of limits in my life.  I'm hoping that won't always be necessary.  But for now simply, it is.  However when the holidays present themselves, all of those limits and boundaries seem to go out the window. 

What was to be a simple, small, comfortable Thanksgiving dinner has changed, beyond my control and has turned into an endurance test.  Yes, I always have the option not to go, but only at the cost of hurt feelings and so much unnecessary and additional stress.  Now if I go, it will be traumatic and if I don't it will be equally so.  I'm so angry.  As a result the inner vibrations are back as are the intrusive and HUGELY obsessive thoughts.

People manipulate to get their way. My guard is down and even when it's up it's not so solid.  I have no recourse and I just want to scream.

Am I the only one now dreading the holidays?

I just have one suggestion, go late and leave early.  Seriously, I did this many times during my withdrawal.  There were places I needed to be sometimes with large and boisterous groups. It's important to protect your fragile nervous system now. Do whatever it takes because you are more important than people who are trying to make the perfect holiday happen.

PG   

I have been reading about L Theanine. Do you it would work during these types of events?

Denise 

PG 

I'm now thinking that perhaps this isn't just the holiday.  I've just realized that I have made a huge error in judgement in  thinking I had been rebuilding a relationship with a member of my immediate family.  I realize now I was wrong. In w/d the world can be a very frightening place with all that glutamate running rampant.  I am angry at myself for trusting and leaving myself vulnerable.  I misjudged badly.  I'm angry and sad. And at the moment the world feels like a very unkind place.

But I really appreciate you responding.  Not only for what you said but for the reminder, because of who you have been for me here with your continuous support, that there are actually people out there who have no ulterior motive but are just really good, decent people. 

WWWI

I have been reading about L Theanine. Do you it would work during these types of events?

 

Denise 

That's a really good idea.  Actually I've now taken some tonight to try and calm down and hopefully get some perspective.  Thank you 

Good!! I hope it works well for you.

Also, a pumpkin pie fight might help ease a few of your worries as well. Or, a slap in the face with a turkey leg. 

Denise 

Now if I go, it will be traumatic and if I don't it will be equally so.  I'm so angry.  As a result the inner vibrations are back as are the intrusive and HUGELY obsessive thoughts.

I had an early holiday family dinner to go to last Saturday.  Early in the day I started obsessing about all the dynamics and by the late afternoon was so unwell I didn't go.  If I had stayed busy all day I wouldn't have gone to all those crazy places in my mind and would have been fine at the dinner.  They're good people and I like them.

I had another one today.  I went to this one.  I purposely stayed extremely busy during the day with work to stay out of my head about the dynamics and everything went well for me at the dinner.  Staying busy kept me away from the obsessing and the dinner and company was really nice.  Some of the same people were at both gatherings.

I'm pretty sure the difference between the two events for me was my headspace.

I could not overcome my anxieties last week and didn't want to subject myself to the trauma.  I did things differently today and saw nothing that resembled the trauma I saw last week.

It's all very curious to me as I sit here tonight thinking about the contrast.

Beaubeau - Your point is a valid one.  I believe that having too much time to "ponder" distress can make things get very ugly.  And had the event ended up as it had started, I would have followed your path in trying not to obsess about the situation.  But it was a really selfish choice of a family member that has changed everything up. 

She's not a stupid person, so I know it was a conscious choice, meaning she knew what she did was solely in her best interest despite the problems it would create.  And it made me realize that even tho she's much more polished now, she's still the manipulative, selfish, self serving person she was.  And I am distressed because I really wanted to believe that wasn't true but I was so wrong.  I feel a great sense of loss at this knowledge.  And this has shaken my very wobbly confidence.

WWWI

Even though I don't know the exact pieces of your story... I can so relate. My hub has booked us to go to a caravan park at the same time as our  kids and grand babies. U would think that would be fine. Even lovely...? No I am anxious and worried. I have had no support from them and they do not get any of this at all .

          I do know my head can get very messed up if I am not careful. I try to put it out of my mind. Otherwise it will send me bonkas! .

      I hope u can find your peace.  Ww.        Hugs Pinkee

She's not a stupid person, so I know it was a conscious choice, meaning she knew what she did was solely in her best interest despite the problems it would create.  And it made me realize that even tho she's much more polished now, she's still the manipulative, selfish, self serving person she was.  And I am distressed because I really wanted to believe that wasn't true but I was so wrong.  I feel a great sense of loss at this knowledge.  And this has shaken my very wobbly confidence.

i am going through this same thing about really not wanting to believe a certain person was really as manipulative and self serving as they truly are. it feels like a betrayal from the Universe. what would the consequence's stir up for you if you stuck to a boundary of simply not showing up this year? and/or are you able to stick to any kind of boundary/no contact while you're with this person and just take care of yourself?

maybe you could completely ignore her so she can't be manipulative with you ever again? hard to do, i know!

Pinkee - I really understand when you say " I do know my head can get very messed up if I am not careful."  And I just don't know what the hell to do about it because I'm in dangerous territory already.  Once this morning crap passes I am going to try to distract and figure out some way to let this go because it is really eating at me.

PrettyD - I can't not go because a very close family member flew into town from the East Coast just for this.  She's an innocent bystander in all of this.  If I don't go she would be really hurt. She's 80 this year and I just can't not go.

I've thought about ignoring the family member who is causing all the trouble.  But I don't see a way to do that without simply cutting ties entirely and that has it's own problems. so the end result is that I'm stuffing these feelings deep down because there is no where for them to go and that is making for all kinds of crazyness in my head

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, this just sucks so badly

WWWI

We have to drive to my brother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner, which he hosts every year. His place is 120 miles away by interstate. I'm NOT looking forward to a crowded house full of relatives.

My wife knows I'm not really thrilled about going, so she offered to take my 85-year-old father-in-law with us. He doesn't have much energy and is always the first one to leave. So, we'll probably get there right before dinner is served, eat and visit for a while, and then my father-in-law will be ready to leave so we'll get to take off early. It works for me.

We always host dinner on Christmas Day. I don't mind that, since I am the cook in the family and I'll be busy with the turkey, dressing, gravy and cranberry sauce. Everyone else brings "assigned dishes" (mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potatoes, salads, dessert). It is just a whirlwind of activity, so once I eat (I'm on a diet so I can only have white meat from the turkey and a salad) it will be time to start cleaning up. I'll clean for most of the time people are visiting, so I don't have that pressure to "perform."

We have other family get-togethers (tamales after Mass on Christmas Eve), but by far the one I dread the most is Thanksgiving. Once this week is over I can pretty much "fake it" and get through the rest of the holidays. I reinstated due to the holidays after a c/t lasting 3 months, 3 weeks in 2011, so this year it's important that I don't make that mistake again! I'm going to hit six months on Tuesday (just before Thanksgiving), and I'll hit seven months the day after Christmas, so this year I have several extra months under my belt before the holidays. Once 2014 gets here, it's smooth sailing from then on and hopefully by May 26, 2014, when I hit one year, I will be doing much better!

All in all, as far as the holidays go, I should just change my user ID from Tex67 to Scrooge67! 

I think it's important to protect ourselves from the stress the holidays bring. If we remember them as being stressful when we were NOT on benzos, imagine what they will be like in w/d.

I like Pianogirls's advice: go late and leave early. Personally  I am going to set boundaries and limits. I do well when I know I am only going to stay at a particular place for, say, an hour. ( I often make the excuse that I have a work deadline. As I work for myself at home, no one thinks this weird). I have a hard time making my partner understand that my stressed nervous system can only stand an hour of socializing, but so far it has worked with a minimal amount of ruffled feathers. I just have to be firm. I have to remind myself that only I can protect myself as only I know what I need. OP may misunderstand . . . but that's their problem.

I think if we are smart about sticking to what WE need, that we can get through these difficult upcoming situations. Let's compare notes after the Dreaded Holidays are over. In fact, I'll start the thread on Boxing Day (you Yanks just know the day as December 26). We'll see how we have all done at that time. Oh well, yes, there's New Year's. But that's not such a big family/friends deal.

Let's all be well.

Okatz

A lifetime of neurosis I guess.  Obsession.  Over everything.  I don't think I ever really knew.  It was always the anxiety after the obsessing that I was trying to find relief for.  I suppose the obsessions were always there, but I don't remember all the daily events over my lifetime.

I guess I should put this front and center.  I always chased the result of obsessing, anxiety and panic and all that, instead of addressing the thinking involved in getting me to that point.  I did the CBT thing.  All of it.  It never helped.  Of course I was always medicated so there's that.  It may not have ever had a chance of working, or so I've heard.  Not while medicated.  I don't know those answers and I don't want to obsess about it.

Thanks for bringing this issue up, WW.  It has forced me to think about it.  The differences between last weekends gathering and the one yesterday are obvious and apparent.  I felt horrible about not going to that event last weekend.  I obsessed myself into being as sick as I've been in several months.  Yesterday feeling unwell only came up once, in my mind at the table.  I recognized I was just fine.  Comfortable and all that.

Is this representative of me healing from a lifetime of benzo use and overcoming the withdrawals?  Or is it me being able to recognize different components of what technically is a different type of anxiety disorder than panic disorder, as I've been diagnosed with?

I dunno.  What I know is that I would rather be healthy enough to attend these gatherings.

It seems to be my problem, not anything to do with anyone else.

What I do know is that I'm very thankful at this time of the year because I can consider all these new variables in my life.  I wouldn't have bothered myself if I was still taking pills.  That's where I was at 30 months ago.  I couldn't be bothered.

A healthier life seems within reach today.  That's all I ever asked for.       

WWWI,

I just posted about the holidays. I had not seen your post yet or I would have just replied here. I have leveled out after a nasty 4 week wave after my last cut. I always have Thanksgiving at my house. I was having a hard time thinking about it. I am optimistic for this year as I am feeling better. I am apprehensive about Christmas. I have out of state family members flying in. They are renting a house in the mountains and I am invited along with my brother and his family. This would be a bit challenging on an ordinary day. I am cutting my dose again next week and feeling optimistic but it has a been a rocky road. I imagine everyone sitting around singing Christmas songs while I bang my head against the wall. I understand your concerns. I think an increased level of activity with others can make me really uncomfortable when I am not in a good place. My memory is so bad that I hope I am not asked anything that I will not be able to answer.  My teenaged niece and nephew will be there. They are so close to me and notice if I do not feel good. Yes...it will be a challenge. I hope your holiday goes ok for you.

PrettyD - I can't not go because a very close family member flew into town from the East Coast just for this.  She's an innocent bystander in all of this.  If I don't go she would be really hurt. She's 80 this year and I just can't not go.

 

I've thought about ignoring the family member who is causing all the trouble.  But I don't see a way to do that without simply cutting ties entirely and that has it's own problems. so the end result is that I'm stuffing these feelings deep down because there is no where for them to go and that is making for all kinds of crazyness in my head

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, this just sucks so badly

so sorry you have to stuff all of this for right now and hope that one day you can not only release it but that it works out for you in the end. stay strong! ask to be protected. i'm always asking for extra protection. i have to live with the abuser while i go through this so i understand when there just isn't any way out for now, but hope that one day there will be.