I relapsed after quitting for 109 days - now seeing doctor

I posted this in my original thread recently (http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=86314.0) but thought it would be more logical to start a new thread.  Here goes:

Guys, I blew it.   Big time

I made it to 109 days and I was pretty much cured.  I had full weeks where I had totally forgotten I was in WD.  I kicked its ass.

But, I relapsed.  The insomnia came back in a big way.  I couldn't sleep.  In a moment of madness I reached for the ambien.  Then came the valium.  18 day binge.  I had so much I can hardly remember a thing from those times.  My spreadsheet tells me I averaged 13.5 mg diaezepam (based on equivalency chart) per day.  But I had frigging 50mg on one day (and I had pretty much baseline tolerance).  I had no idea how drunk I was during those days until my girlfriend told me I was slurring my speech on the way to work.

So, my girlfriend booked me in to the doctors.  I am so glad she did but I went in there drunk on benzos and confessed my whole story.  (by the way guys, I never got these drugs from my doctor, I self medicated )

The doctor seemed reluctant to give me anything.  I must have come across as an abuser.  I really don't consider myself a drug abuser.  It was a short episode of lunacy.

I walked out with a prescription for 10mg / day amitriptyline.  I am unsure exactly why I got that.  I think it's just a placebo dosage.

So here I am back on CT (day 4) and it's mental torture.  I keep inexplicably bursting into tears.  It's my girlfriends' birthday tomorrow and I have destroyed it

In 7 days from now I am going back to the doctor for a double appointment.  I think I need to prepare myself and know what exactly I want to say.  I don't want to touch benzo's again.  But now I have experienced life with them, I think there is a chance of relapse unless she gives me an alternative.  What now?  SSRIs?

PS.  Please forgive my ramblings, I am sober as I write this. But extremely emotional   Any thoughts / comments on what I should be doing at this next doctor visit are appreciated

There has to be a reason you did this. I don't buy it that you just did it to get some sleep. There was no reason to binge or take it during the day for that. You need to get really honest with yourself. Your history of getting drugs illegally tells me that there is a lot going on here. I think you need to get some counseling regarding your addictive behaviour and if you are really serious about getting of these drugs for good, you won't have any in the house.

These drugs do impair our ability to think clearly and impair our memory. I went off for two months once and went back on without thinking it through. I did it to treat RLS. My withdrawal symptoms weren't too bad then so I didn't realize or remember that I had made the decision not to use benzos again.

You are going to have to have someone else monitor your usage, because you are out of control. Even when we feel like we are 'healed', we are not. The brain is very tricky.

xiled,

I am feeling so much empathy towards you upon reading your post!

I am so sorry for what you are going thru, no judgment here, just hoping and praying for the best outcome for you.

I know what sleep deprivation and accompanying psychosis can do to a person, driving one to do anything to get relief.

Please don't beat yourself up, it will only make things worse.  All you can do now is take care of yourself and get thru each day.

I hope your next Dr's appointment brings true help and relief.  Since you asked for advise for the appointment, my advice is to be open to treatment that will bring you out of the pit and back to functionality. It may not seem so, but my experience with professionals is that they DO want to help you, it's just that they don't have the "magic pill" and try to do the best with what they have in their arsenal.

Hang on, Keep up the hope and faith that things WILL work out and get better,

I Admire your honesty and just wanted to let you know I am upholding you in my thoughts and prayers......

Joy

Xiled,

I too have impulsive behavior I fight continuously.  I think it is a self destructive gene.  The only thing I have not done is take a benzo (or z-drug), but anything else that could hurt me, did it.

I keep telling myself, we still have free will!!!!  It is just hard to make good decisions as benzos and benzo withdrawal REALLY cloud our judgment.

For sleeping, I have had reasonable success with Remeron and Melatonin.  Others with antihistamines like benadryl.  You might give one or both of those a try.

After 109 days clean, and an 18 day binge, I would tough out the cold turkey.

Be well and good luck,

ramcon1

It seems as if your behavior is a typical addict's "either/or" -- you're either struggling to get off drugs or you've given up and you are using.

If you are preparing for your doctor's visit, I'd recommend you read up on tapering and then print out the relevant section from the Ashton Manual and present it to your doctor.

I'd recommend you ask you doctor to help you taper and instead of going cold turkey, which is sure to put you in a situation where you'll want to use again, that you do a slow, sensible taper.

I also echo the comment that you seeks some professional help about your addictive behavior. AA or NA might help, but at this point it seems like some 1-on-1 counseling would be more effective.

Good luck in figuring this out...

Thank you all so much for your kind words.  I am so glad I made this post as I am unable to tell anyone else except my girlfriend and doctor what I'm going through.  back2joy, that post was so supportive and I appreciate it so much.

frus333, I understand your incredulity.  I have been thinking about what you said, but sleep was definitely the primary reason for the relapse, however I absolutely do not deny that these drugs were secondarily used to help with my anxiety and anhedonia.  I did not take it during the day during these 18 days.  I just ended up using more during the night when I would wake up.  I started on ambien but the half life is too short to keep me asleep, that's where the valium and the daytime drunkenness came from.  But yes, I did enjoy the anxiolytic and euphoria I had during the day.

Btw, I said to my doctor I want to dispose of the drugs - I said I am happy to bring them all into the surgery or hospital for disposal - she didn't answer that point - the whole thing was rushed.  I'll ask her again what to do.  The only thing I can think of is to burn them.  Getting it out of the house will sure help a relapse occurring in the spur of the moment, but in terms of defending me long term, it seems to me a token gesture as the stuff is just so easy to acquire over the internet now

And I can't believe how harsh the WD is from just 18 days.  I guess I thought I would get away with it.  The WD seems even worse than the first time with my 10 month usage.  I think the WD is enhanced by a feeling of deep shame and regret.

Sometimes we need to learn the hard way - I just hope I have learned this time.  I think I have.

But the problem stands: I suffer from chronic insomnia, general anxiety, social anxiety, depression and anhedonia.  If these problems are not solved by my doctor by alternative means, then I believe I will always have a chance of relapse!

My mind has been all over the place - at times regretting going to the doctor - but I think I feel glad I have confessed to a medical professional and I have another person on my side

But the problem stands: I suffer from chronic insomnia, general anxiety, social anxiety, depression and anhedonia.  If these problems are not solved by my doctor by alternative means, then I believe I will always have a chance of relapse!

Until you take charge of your life and begin to find a way to think positive, and not seek a solution in some pills from a doctor, you will probably have all these problems to deal with... It's your life and you need to find it within you to take charge of it again.

I was taking 30 mg. of Valium for almost 15 years before I began a fast taper in January. By May 26 I was down to 5 mg. and was in such agony that I just jumped cold turkey and wanted to get all the pain over with. I was in pretty bad shape for 6-7 weeks, and then VERY slowly things began to ease up. By 9 weeks I was better and could see progress. I got hit by a big wave on day 99 and it lasted for 3 weeks.

I've managed to hang in there and today is day 181 and, while I am not close to being recovered, I am far much better off than I was on May 26. This coming Tuesday I hit six months!

When I jumped c/t I dumped my Valium in the trash and carried it out to the alley dumpster. The garbage truck came later that day. I've had nothing to help me out (except, dammit, bourbon, which is a whole other story...just avoid it, please!) and, while it's been tough, I'm three days away from completing six months and I feel so free. I'm still having good and bad days, but I know now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

x

I think we know that no one is perfect. Here is my thought...you admitted that you fell off the cliff and you sought help. I will echo the sentiment that illicit use of benzos kind of puts you in a place that is not good to begin with. However, if you really have an addictive personality this will be a hard mountain to climb. You need to ditch the meds you are not using and focus on what you really want. None of us signed on for the fight it takes to get off these drugs but I can tell you straight up... after this last year you would have to tie me up and force it on me. I am strong but I do not think for one minute that I could do this again. I hope you can find your way back to being benzo free.

Good luck from Colorado

 

But the problem stands: I suffer from chronic insomnia, general anxiety, social anxiety, depression and anhedonia.  If these problems are not solved by my doctor by alternative means, then I believe I will always have a chance of relapse!

You've hit the nail on the head right there. If these sx are due to benzo withdrawal you will just have to ride them out like the rest of us. If these are problems you've had for a long time you will have to address each one individually through non-medicinal means. It's hard work, a lot harder than taking pills, but it is worth it in my opinion.

Start reading up on these issues and alternative means of dealing with them. If you want to know my story - I have had severe CFS for nineteen years. I have tried all sorts of things and been unsuccessful. Prescription medication was a last resort for me and it ruined what little life I had left. It was the worst decision of my life to take benzos. Far, far worse than the original conditions. My severe CFS now looks easy compared to the horrific affects of prescription medications. If I could only go back....

Today, I have been thinking about what I did over those 18 days (what I can remember), and I'm so embarrassed.  Yes, I slept, and then yes I masked my anxiety but my behaviour wasn't me...  I am better off anxious than a drunken fool.  I could have really screwed up my professional life.

My situation seems so trivial when I read it back and compare it to some of yours in this thread and your signatures now.  Especially when yours were prescribed, and mine was self inflicted insanity.  I feel pretty ridiculous right now.  I guess these feelings are part of the WD as well but I think they are strong enough to make me never touch the stuff again.  I am throwing the stuff out tonight.  I'm furious at myself.  I need to remember to read this thread if I ever, ever consider going down this absurd road again.

And frus333, the symptoms I listed developed and worsened throughout my 20s naturally before I even knew what valium was.  I am now in my early 30s and they are at their worst.  I was a heavy binge drinker in my early 20s (partying etc) - I have always been shy socially without alcohol.  It's all linked - I have just always been a worrier.  Booze was my escape then - but so was it for my other friends who weren't necessarily shy.  Most are doing just fine now.

But the insomnia really started as my professional life became more complex when I hit 30.  I could have a meeting planned for the next day and not get a single moments sleep then go in to work completely drunk with fatigue - that's where it all started.  I then got to the point where I was using booze to sleep (I tried the more sensible routes first: melatonin, antihistamines, valerian etc).  I started my benzo experiments not long after giving up the booze   I should have really gone to the doctor at that point - I'm just the type who avoids doctors until I think I have cancer.

I have no idea how the next doctor appointment is going to go.  I'm getting really worried about it now.  But I think I am going to just be honest and listen.  I don't think I am the type who will be receptive to counselling or groups but I am going to keep an open mind. 

Maybe I just have to live with the daytime anxiety and lack of lust for life - maybe I just have to accept it's who I am.  But, what I can't do is live without a solution to the sleep problem.