I AM SO FRUSTRATRED!

I desperately need to ventilate!

 

I just went for my morning walk, even though I'm dealing with a really bothersome wave. I'm a week from hitting six months off a 15-year addiction to 30 mgs of Valium and by now I've learned how to just push through waves and other emotional obstacles that prevent me from dealing with the "real world."

 

That said, I'm SO FRUSTRATED by my inability to "click" with "reality." While I was walking I could see the mountains, hear the traffic, see the people out and about -- and all the while I just felt so detached from everything. Why can't my brain engage with the world around me and let me, at last, feel like I truly am in the HERE and NOW?

 

I can deal with all the symptoms and the waves and the anxiety and all the other crap, but I'm SO TIRED of just feeling that I'm not in tune with the rest of the world! I wonder if I will ever be a part of things again? Ahhhhhh! I hate this! I absolutely HATE this! I'm here, I'm out there in it, and yet in my mind there is some barrier that keeps me from fully engaging in reality! I wonder if this will ever end?

 

Thanks for letting me vent...

proud of you Tex for breaking your addiction and nearing the 6 month mark !!

 

were here for you,

Uncle

thats exactly how I feel. its making me so sad.

 

i cant even cry. its just so hard to feel any connection right now or feel like i fit in.

i feel like my sole purpose in this world is to survive and get in and out of things as fast i can.  i am afraid to interact and i view all people i see as happy and im the only one suffering.

This gal c/t'd off Valium 19 months ago… great read:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=95076.0

Tex, I think when u have been on benzos for a long time , we can't expect to have all the emotions that have been suppressed to turn back on quickly. We have to be patient and wait. It will happen. Look how far u have come. Well done! It will get better. It's a time thing.

        I do agree ...it is very frustrating!            Hugs Pinkee

Thank you, Challis, for that great link to lizzy's story!

OMG, when I posted this earlier today I felt really bad! This day has just gotten progressively worse! What the hell is going on!

 

I'm one week away from hitting 6 months off Valium and I feel like I've been thrown back into acute w/d! HELP!

We are here to help you!

 

What has gotten worse?

 

Do you feel less connected with reality? Or have some of your old s/x come back?

 

Can we help?

 

Okatz

Tex, so sorry to hear about your set back. It will pass, time is our best friend now, it will pass. This benzo crap is so potent. Our brain just needs time to heal. I know how frustrated it is. Months after months of struggling. Just keep posting and vent out your frustration. We are here for you, my friend.

 

Ed C

Sorry tex. 

Vent away, Tex.

 

Sorry you are feeling this way.

 

Hang-in there, my friend.

 

Hi Tex,

You are 20 days behind me and I know we have both been going thru a long wave lately.  I just wanted to let you know that the wave seems to have broken from me in the last couple of days and I'm feeling pretty good.  I hope it breaks for you soon too and I really hope this is the beginning of the end for us now.

Hang on Tex!

Ringo

Hey Tex- 4-6 months was probably some of the worst for me. It sucks so bad as you think over time it should improve not go down the toilet so to speak. Despite the disappointment- you intellectually know it is not linear, right? And you know that it can flip back and forth like nobody's business. You could feel better tomorrow for no reason at all. I think the important thing is despite how you feel, you keep with the walks, the attempts to connect to the world, and the shrugging of your shoulders and going forward. because even tho it doesn't seem like you are going forward you really truly are. Some of my best healing happened during the worst of times. And, my opinion is that the separation from the world is a type of protective mechanism to give our CNS a chance to do its thing without too much extra overload. I really came to think that it was enough of an ordeal for the brain/body to handle the internal processes and that that disconnect was a natural part of the healing. When its time you will be thrown right back into the world, I promise. I say this having experienced it myself- the inability to feel connected, the despair of not feeling the healing. The cursing everything on the planet and I still healed anyway. So- try not to start liking this withdrawal thing, cause you ain't gonna be able to hold onto it forever:)

Tex. The good news is you have completed one week shy of 6 months of healing.  You're also 6 months closer to your healingn graduation.

For those of us that have made it to 6 months or more we don't have to repeat this time

Hello Tex,

 

Sorry to hear you are getting thrown backwards. As you know, it is normal and to be expected. With any luck the wave will be milder and shorter than those before. I can really relate to how bad and shocking it feels again when you've been stuck in a long "blah" period. A terrible reminder of the acute w/d long ago.

 

Good thing is you are healing, and when you come back out of this it will most likely be with a higher baseline  Take care!

I desperately need to ventilate!

 

I just went for my morning walk, even though I'm dealing with a really bothersome wave. I'm a week from hitting six months off a 15-year addiction to 30 mgs of Valium and by now I've learned how to just push through waves and other emotional obstacles that prevent me from dealing with the "real world."

 

That said, I'm SO FRUSTRATED by my inability to "click" with "reality." While I was walking I could see the mountains, hear the traffic, see the people out and about -- and all the while I just felt so detached from everything. Why can't my brain engage with the world around me and let me, at last, feel like I truly am in the HERE and NOW?

 

I can deal with all the symptoms and the waves and the anxiety and all the other crap, but I'm SO TIRED of just feeling that I'm not in tune with the rest of the world! I wonder if I will ever be a part of things again? Ahhhhhh! I hate this! I absolutely HATE this! I'm here, I'm out there in it, and yet in my mind there is some barrier that keeps me from fully engaging in reality! I wonder if this will ever end?

 

Thanks for letting me vent...

 

Bro, I know it's tough but all I can say is HANG IN THERE!  You've come so far.

 

I wish I was 6 months off.

 

No more freakin poison!

 

Tex, are you feeling any better?

 

Okatz

I site hope you feel better today tex. I know exactly how you feel. How in the world does it make us forget who we are. Its hard but hang in there.

Tex! Don't fret, 6 month waves seem to be a common thing around here. Think of how long you were on benzo's for.. 6 months is a piece of cake compared to 15 years! You can do this! And regarding your original post of not feeling like you are connected to reality... I feel that too, pretty much everday. Like I'm kind of just hangin out in limbo, nothing excites me, no motivation, no connection to the lovely things around me. I'm confident this will get better with time. It has for so many other people. I've also had small windows where I can start to remember why I used to love certain things. This gives me hope.

 

Hang in there friend :smitten:

 

For much of my cold turkey I was dealing with anxiety issues by downing a couple of shots of bourbon when the anxiety seemed unbearable. I quit drinking a few weeks ago -- at least on a daily basis. I would let myself have a couple of shots every 2-3 days to offset the anxiety. I kept having HORRIBLE anxiety that I now realize was not benzo related but with related to my cutting back on my alcohol intake.

 

It seems I got rid of my benzo dependence but swapped it for a dependence on alcohol, so now I am trying to taper completely off of bourbon. I feel as if I am going through acute w/d all over again. I have insurance that will pay for me to detox from alcohol, so if I don't feel better soon, I may check into the detox center here in town. I've already gotten pre-approval from my health insurance. I'd rather not go there because I know part of the protocol for alcohol detox is by giving people either Valium or Librium.

 

I could refuse benzos, but I'm concerned that if I was doing very poorly that I might get an injection of benzos, despite my stated desires. I guess if worse came to worse taking benzos for 3-4 days to wean me off alcohol would probably not really have much impact on my benzo w/d. I have absolutely NO desire for benzos. But this really intense anxiety that apparently is caused by alcohol withdrawal is really bad..

 

I will post updates as time goes by.

Tex, I know exactly how you feel.  You want so desperately to connect with people and reality and its as if there is some barrier from preventing you from it. Six months is a long time to feel like crap.  I am only at 3 months and I am exhausted. 

 

Do you think maybe its something you ate?  I know if I eat too much sugar I get revved up. Or maybe its just a sign that healing is around the corner.

 

Peace and Blessings

Snufi

No, it's more likely something I drank (bourbon)...

i dont drink at all and since daylight savings cant hardly sleep.

Hey Tex - I haven't posted all that much for awhile, although I do check in and read BB every day.  I felt really compelled to offer some support here though.  I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I sobered up for the first time in 2006.  It was hard to find myself in another addiction with benzos following quitting alcohol, but I see now how for many they can go hand in hand.  I'm not suggesting you're an alcoholic, just sharing my own experience ; )

 

Anyway, I did eventually relapse briefly in 2011, then earlier this May which is what put me in the hospital and why I was abruptly taken off Klonopin.  I realize now that benzos contributed to both relapses.  This most recent one though, I was 100% self-medicating as I was in tolerance and didn't know it.  I was just feeling so awful and wanted to reach out for anything that could provide relief.  I didn't drink much, but the hangovers were so godawful.  I know now that benzos and alcohol are very cross-tolerant, so the tolerance withdrawal I was in was really compounded by the few drinks - it basically sent me into acute symptoms.  I read from so many on here that alcohol can rev our symptoms up terribly, and for some it can cause a big setback in the benzo healing.  I didn't understand this at the time, and was terrified by the way I felt because a few drinks like that in the past never made me feel so awful!  I don't mean to scare you by saying any of this; I truly just want you to know that you're not alone, and not the first person by a landslide who has reached out for another substance for relief from the incomprehensible hell that this wd causes!!! 

 

My heart goes out to you as I understand your pain all too well.  I hope that you can work through this and continue to fight though until healing.  Whatever you choose to do - either tough it out or go into detox - you know BB will always be here for you.  If you ever wanna chat about benzos or alcohol, feel free to PM me anytime.  You've come so far and I give you so much credit for pushing through the cold-turkey - it's a feat that not many can endure, so I know you're one tough cookie!!  Don't let this little setback get you down - many of us have been there too, and I promise it will get better once your body has enough time away from it all.

 

Wishing you all the best, and sending many hugs & support your way