Such a hideous episode...

This week had been as bad as acute.. The symptoms so severe again. It all boiled into a weekend of rage! The screaming, the anger, the misery.. The shame of my behaviour.. The effect it will have on my son. I got into the car today and screamed all the way to mums, hitting myself in the face on the way as an outlet. Smashed my head with a shampoo bottle dozens of times yesterday to let the demons out.. The tears, the absolute disgust of myself.. This could go on for easily another year.. I so want my life back.. I'm thourougly exhausted of this tortured existence 14 months later. I'm still so ill.

I'm sorry, MM.

 

Do you have access to any sort of therapeutic support. I found mindfulness practice very helpful for dealing with benzo rage & other wdwls.

im so sorry' missmoo.

 

its frustrating when you dont have control over things. i hope you feel better

Thanks guys.. You know what it's like.. Just feels like forever!! Xx

i am feeling the same exact way missmoo! i can really relate to this. i am 19 months out and still so very ill and feel acute symptoms all day today. i can't believe this! i sure hope it changes for all of us that feel this way. i said a real live prayer for everyone that is feeling like this today. i hope it got caught into the Universal dream catcher and we start seeing some windows and glimpse's of who we use to be/who we really can be.

 

ouch a shampoo bottle!

Thanks pretty.. It sounds ridiculous that I would do that but at the time I can't help it. Now I've got the DP/DR back.. I so hope it ends soon.. This is so cruel. I need to be a stable parent! Not turning up to a teacher meeting on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Thanks for the reply. Love and healing to you. X

Posted by: MissMoo

Not turning up to a teacher meeting on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

 

..not with a shampoo bottle stuck up in your hair, they'll start calling you Mrs Johnson

Missmoo,

 

sometimes when i get that frustrated like you have, i literally bite myself then have my own teeth mark to do with. nice eh?

Tooth marks? Shampoo bottles?  ... Welcome to benzo world! 

I love that the old favourites come to the party. Love seeing these familiar names. It's not good for you guys still here, but I feel comfort knowing I am not alone in this. Thanks guys. 

Moo u are welcome!   

Thanks pinkee, how are you going?

I'm ok . No great steps forward but not any big steps back. I think that's good.

          I was just posting about surges and as I was writing I realised that at least that has eased off, quite a lot. I am so happy about this! So I think I'm doing well.

      Thanks for asking. Sorry u have been having such a rough time. I want u to know how much I admire u . A single mum and working can't be easy.  When u finally get free of s/s u will be in such a good place to be an even better mum.          xxoo Pinkee

I'm glad you are slowly getting there. Thanks for those lovely words, you are a sweetheart. Xxx

I'm sorry you been feeling so bad , I get episodes of anger too when I just want to break things or punch someone but they usually don't last long and than I calm myself down , I know this might sound weird but at least you feel something , even anger is a feeling , you know what's really really scary when you feel nothing ( I felt like that before ) , for me it's better to have feelings than to be a zombie , I hope you feel better soon

 

I'm so sorry Miss Moo, I hate to hear how much you are struggling... I hope you feel better soon. You are incredibly brave and I know you will beat this thing. Keep going, you will get some relief soon I am sure.

Miss Moo,

 

Yikes. I am sorry for your misery. I had a bad week last week also. I wish I had a dime for every time I have literally banged my head against the wall. I posted that I had a hard time tying my shoes yesterday. Frustration through the roof. OK....so now it is 24 hours later and my boots are on. My stomach is a bit annoyed and upset but I am going to venture out for a bit later on. I was really blue this morning. No secret that my personal life has been hammered by all of this but I have to keep believing that we are all going to get through this. I am trying to develop a better way of handling anger. This has been a big issue with me. If I go to get dressed and my foot gets stuck in my jeans and I fall down (this is an actual scenario) if have to look at it this way...it is good that I am ABLE to get dressed and carry on. It is not the fault of my clothing. Throwing my pants out the window will not help since I will have to go downstairs and out the door in the cold and retrieve them. I can look at it this way as I am feeling somewhat better today. My vision has been screwed up. Wavy vision. I have been plagued with this on and off for months and it drives me nuts. Gone today.

Please know that I hope with all my heart that things lighten up for you.

 

Big hug from Colorado

Sorry for your frustration Miss Moo. I've had episodes too where so much anger and frustration and guilt have built up that I've acted in similar fashion by lashing out at myself like you did. Totally understandable. I have a punch bag in my gym and every so often now, instead of taking it out on myself, I let the punch bag have it but good - fists and feet and lots of Kung Fu yelling. It totally exhausts me and gets it all out. A sturdy pillow may also serve this function for you - whack away and get it out. The physical act of hitting something harmless is very cathartic. Yes, I meditate, but sometimes I need to just hit that punch bag, nothing can satisfy the rage better than getting physical and taking it out on something that was meant to take it.  I can relate to the feelings behind what happened to you.

 

If I go to get dressed and my foot gets stuck in my jeans and I fall down (this is an actual scenario) if have to look at it this way...it is good that I am ABLE to get dressed and carry on.

 

CC 

 

 

THANK you for this! I know it isn't funny, but I couldn't help but get a bit of a chuckle out of this, since THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! So I could completely picture it.   

 

Thank you for your post! 

 

Kimba 

 

P.S.: My vision is all messed up, too. It fluctuates so badly that I have tons of different readers, with EVERY magnification size, for reading different sized print, for the computer, for the TV, for whatever my vision happens to be at the moment, and on and on and on. Oh, and I have more than I can count, because I lose them constantly, or sit on them, or step on them...or fall on them.   

You are all wonderful ! The fact you all come running when I need you is so amazing.. The support you give even though i feel I can't give enough back on here to others. Sounds terrible but a lot of the time I don't have the energy cause I just feel crap! Thanks so much you guys, love you all. Man this is sooooooo hard. I can't believe it..

Miss Moo, I feel so bad for you.  I wish all of us BB could buy up a huge neighborhood so we could all live close by to one another so we could help one another.  We wouldn't feel so alone then.  Don't feel bad. I too have flown into rages sometimes.. Last week I cried for 2 hours straight, talking to myself I'm sure wit numerous cuss words.  I guess it is just excess glutamate having its way.

 

Peace and Blessings

Snufi

 

 

Miss Moo, I hope you feel better soon and all of us.  I'm in that group too where we're over 11 months or so and it's gotten to be so unbelievable that some of us are still suffering this long.  I was standing at the kitchen counter tonight realizing what's happened and it's so shocking and devastating.  I've slapped myself in the head a few times and said, "Stop it!"  Just go away.  I can't believe how capable I was before getting off these evil pills and now can hardly string two thoughts together to do anything.  I love the idea of having a neighborhood for those of us in w/d so we could support each other.  I always liked the Ashton home she ran where people could stay at a place together and get the care and help they needed and I'm sure support one another.  We should have a special forum on this site for those of us at about 9 plus months or so.   

It would be great wouldn't it.. People who understand. This strips you of everything human! I keep begging it to leave me alone now.. When I'm really bad I fear I will never recover. I can't believe the mental and physical anguish this had brought.. Who would believe it? I keep trying to get validation and understanding when I know it's not possible.. Thanks to you all. I wish the best for you all. Xxxx

My friend keeps telling me I need to go to the doctor.  I've been to my benzowise doc and he said there's nothing else he can do for me.  My friend said to go see another doc.  And they'll want me back on the benzo's.  Other people just don't understand this unless they've been there.  I don't know where else to turn for help with this?  I don't think there is anything else.  It's very scary and I'm concerned also about this never healing. 

could totally identify with this, i used to slap my face so hard, i had numbness on the right side of my face for months. screamed and cried and raged. i'm over three years out and i have to say, this is no longer something that i do. the impulse is not there, the benzo rage has left me. i guess i haven't really stopped to think about it in awhile, but it's been months and months since i've felt the impulse to do those things, and even longer since i actually have. 

it will not last forever, you are early in recovery, and i love the idea of a punching bag or whacking something other than yourself. but when i felt that way, so toxic and so filled with sickness and rage just bubbling over, there was nothing quite like physically taking it out on myself. i'm so glad that i no longer have to do that to survive, and in time you won't feel the need either..hang in there!