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losing control of my life


[8f...]

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[8f...]
Been stuck on 2.5mgs lorazepam for a year now.  Was shamefully content with feeling "good enough"..recently alot of stressors have hit and piled on.  Last Thursday night woke up with PVC'S which scared the crap out of me.  Of course i dwelled on it all weekend.  By time Monday and work rolled around I was a mess.  I got through work and struggled driving home the 30 mile trek.  Went to see my doctor and get checked out.  Pulse was racing and bp was too high 165/112.  Part of that was my system being cooked and the other part not liking doctors offices or the fear he may send me to the hospital because of my heart pvcs.  Obviously I think way too much.  What if ? What if?  he put me on toprol xr beta blocker to calm heart and bp.  I just feel that i am losing control here and i need to get it back!  i dont want to be on any medication.  tired of the sxs.  i need help starting a taper again.
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Hi,

 

I'm on a beta blocker for hypertension, and not only does it lower my bp, but it calms my normally fast heart rate as well.  I know how scary palpitations can be, even if they are benign, which they are for most people.  Beta blockers also calm the other physical signs of anxiety. 

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I crossed over to Diazepam after taking anywhere from 2 to 6 Mg's of Ativan.  I was ordering on-line as well in 2 mg pills & I just never thought those little things could be doing much. I told my doctor about the Ashton Manual because he said I could just quit. 

 

It's the wildest roller coaster ride I've ever been on.  I went through hell on Ativan.  Made me twitch, numb, every symptom in the book. Neurologists thought I had MS, ALS or a psychiatrist.  Luckily I discovered these websites & diagnose myself after a few years in to it.  I quit telling doctors my physical symptoms were from Benzos since they just look at me like I'm nuts (they are truly ignorant of these meds).

 

The crossing over to Diazepam made it to where I'm now @ 2.5 mg (that would equal about .75 mg of Ativan) and even though I have all the symptoms waxing & waning, I do have good days & so far nothing I can't handle.  I can work & enjoy a normal life so far. Nobody knows my plight with this, not even my wife, so the Diazepam.

 

I strongly recommend talking to a doctor to cross over.

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[8f...]

Thanks Megan.  Heart symptoms or fears are my biggest trigger.  I have been checked out thoroughly and have been told my heart is in great shape but I am still afraid of having a heart attack and dying young.  Maybe the beta blocker will help me start a taper again as it will lessen some of those heart symptoms and most of all the damn FEAR!

 

Jet i just read your post too and i agree.  i was on klonopin amd had tapered down to .25 but listened to my doctor (who isnt my dr anymore) and switched to ativan and an antidepressant.  well that backfired, HARD, and it took 3mg ativan to stabilize.  im just mad at some of the decisions ive made, mostly taking my first xanax.

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Unclerico...I have been on topral 50mg. for many years due to boarderline hypertension .  I am 57 and have PVC's on and off since my 30's.  Had them checked out and was reassured by my cardiologist that my heart was in great shape. Those pvc's drove me to a state of high anxiety and interfered with my sleep, which of course led me to ambien and eventually ssri's and benzos.  I can tell you that at this point I have learned to accept them and that they will come and go.  They cause me less stress than they once did.  I up my dosage of topral to 100 mg. when they kick in and that helps quite a bit.  I'm a big what iffer also and know what you are feeling.  All I can say is try and relax and know that you are healthy and will be fine, even though you get bouts of skipped beats now and then. 
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I had every heart attack symptom for women on the list…there were times I had more PVCs in a minute than normal beats.  Had a thorough heart health exam with EKGs, ultrasounds and treadmill tests and the conclusion was that my heart is in great shape.  The PVCs can get really frequent and hard during acute and early recovery.  They are scary…but usually benign.

Challis  :)

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[8f...]

Thank you Garton and Challis. 

 

I was told they are benign as well and I do believe it now but at the time it seemed to have set me back and now I feel some sort of hopelessness.  I have to move forward.  I have to conquer my fears.  Physical pain does not bother me but the psychological torture of strange sensations and the what ifs are hard to bear... Somehow I have to get my mind right..

 

Did you get any sxs from the betablockers at first?  lightheaded or kind of fatigued?  its frustrating not knowing if im coming or going...or if its tolerance from 3 years of benzo use.

 

Nick

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Nick....I did not have any side effects from the topral.  If you're at all like me, you read the list of possible side affects and become quite concerned.  Especially, if anxiety or depression are mentioned.  I think just about every med comes with a long list of "possible" side effects.  Normally people don't worry about these, but us what iffers can go overboard worrying about possibilities.  There are so many blood pressure meds out there. If this one is causing you problems I am sure your doctor can try another one.  You will be okay...these meds really do work and the side effects are nothing compared to what we endured using the benzos.
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My heart does some really weird stuff too. Sometimes it will pound for a few days but my BP stays normal or even low. It used to get high. Then it will barely beat and skip beats, I will breath shallow as well. My heart is fine says all the tests I've had. Doctor says it's just part of the Valium withdrawal. I have a beta blocker and was told to take as needed. It's a really low dose though since my BP is already low.
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[8f...]

Thanks Garton.  I did read the list and you know what happens if you expect things to happen....I do think the positives have outweighed the negatives so far.  And having bp under control should help ease my heart fears.

 

Challis you have a great memory.  I lost my uncle in 2012 to a massive heart attack at 60.  My grandma died a month later of failing health at 80.  ive seen My father in law go through 4 heart attacks and he is in the hospital again now because he is nearing the end.  i think all this heart trauma has gotten to me and it is my biggest  fear that i will join the club even though i am doing the right things and have been tested and recieved good results.    my problem is that i cannot get it out of mind or stop obsessing on it....and i make myself sick.

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Hey old pal sorry to see your still stuck on this stuff.  Hope you finally get the strength to get through this taper life is amazing when your off you just have to start the journey.

 

Lizzy

 

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yes mate get yourself together and get off this shit honestly you can do this your already living in fear just step it up a notch and get off you can do this.  :thumbsup:
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Nick..Lizzy is right.  You can do it.  I see lots of similarities with what I've dealt with and I am doing it.  Close to 5 months off the Ativan.
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I am getting this too, and im titrating off lorazepam. I had pvcs before the lorazepam, but it helped calm them down as well as my near constant tachycardia. Now im withdrawing (only managed to get to 14.5mgs off so far...) Im getting a heavy chest, aches all over, fast pounding heart rate and feeling like I suddenly cant breathe, and loads of pvcs. Had heart scan and its healthy, but am very scared about these heart symptoms :(
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[8f...]

I know i just need to grow some, my biggest fear is not being able to work.  i work for a national company and there are alot of protections so maybe its best i talk to HR about it.  i think it falls under the Americans with Disabilities Act. 

 

 

Chlhobbs i am sorry for what you are going through.  the heart crap is just overwhelming sometimes.  if we didnt need the darn thing to keep us alive....i wouldnt even care.

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Sorry to hear.

 

I was diagnosed with PVC's as well. I was given an EKG/Heart holster monitor and a stress test. Results were PVC but my heart was in great condition. I only ever noticed the PVC's during withdrawal but the doctors completely ignored the idea of it being benzo related.

 

Benzo's aside I suffered from Panic Disorder for years and heart attack was one of my main concerns. No matter how much I'd try to convince my self that my heart was fine I could never shake it. This being said I discovered a way to control the thoughts/fear. I decided to educate my self in detail to what a heart attack truly is and how and why it happens. After actually understanding what it's all about it was clear as day to me that there is no reason for my body to produce such a scenario. In my case, I'm not overweight, I don't smoke, and I don't live on garbage food. My only issue is prescription drugs.  Here is a video to get you started: (warning it may make you anxious at first but educational) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwlFcP24nHQ

 

I'd also suggest learning skills to relax/control anxiety/breathing and negative thoughts. These skills need to be practiced daily with no excuses. I'll admit, they are annoying and seem useless but it works :)

 

Take care,

 

 

Fonz

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[8f...]
Thank you Fonz...i will check that out.  I need to do more positive reinforcement and practice.  Especially having breathing issues in the car..dont know why but i gotta get past that ..
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I know it's all easier said than done but over the last decade I can certainly see that not doing my exercises has been a big mistake. Can you find a counselor/therapist whom could help you? If not try this book out, "The Anxiety and Phobia workbook, 5th edition" by  Edmund J Bourne.

 

 

Feel better soon!

 

 

Fonz

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Thanks Garton.  I did read the list and you know what happens if you expect things to happen....I do think the positives have outweighed the negatives so far.  And having bp under control should help ease my heart fears.

 

Challis you have a great memory.  I lost my uncle in 2012 to a massive heart attack at 60.  My grandma died a month later of failing health at 80.  ive seen My father in law go through 4 heart attacks and he is in the hospital again now because he is nearing the end.  i think all this heart trauma has gotten to me and it is my biggest  fear that i will join the club even though i am doing the right things and have been tested and recieved good results.    my problem is that i cannot get it out of mind or stop obsessing on it....and i make myself sick.

 

Nick…you've been through a lot of loss and maybe some more is coming soon with your father-in-law.  Since you need to stay functional for work your cuts would be best to be very small.  The obsessing about things is probably the benzo talking, it's very common to worry obsessively especially in w/d.  You can do this, I know you can.  Just go very slow and listen to the signals your body gives you. 

Challis  :highfive:

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