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Four and a quarter years off benzos, pretty well recovered


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Greeting to all you long sufferers of the benzo world.

 

I have kept you all in my prayers and I just wanted to return to bring good news of recovery to all the benzo withdrawal faithful. Those of you who may be just beginning the withdrawal process as well as those who have put perhaps a year or two between them and the benzos and are currently doubting whether recovery actually happens. I'm here to say do not despair, do not lose hope, do not give up.  Not only is it possible to enjoy life again after benzos, but a quality of life which you can't even dream of right now is yet possible. When you are lost in fear and pain, it's very easy to forget how joyous and beautiful life can be. I had wanted to wait until I was fully recovered to write this, but that could take another 3 or 4 years but I am more than recovered enough to where I don't think of myself as being in "benzo withdrawal" all the time. The only real symptoms I have left are mild tinnitus, which really doesn't bother me, and a painful sensation is my mind which starts to become quite painful whenever I do not get enough sleep. Those are the only noticeable symptoms, that actually bother me. However, aside from that I have also been weakened by benzos. My memory is nothing compared to the pre benzo days and I don't have the same stamina, it is very hard for me to keep up with all the demands of a job for example. I seem to require more rest than the average person. So that's the bad news, but the good news is that in every other respect, I have made a complete recovery (and I was so bad in the beginning, so so bad). I can feel joy again, and live a normal life. What more can I really ask for than that?

 

So to my story. I was going through a difficult period in my life, I had grown up with a lot of anxiety problems, social especially and a result, developed a poor self image and low self confidence. To cut a long story short, I ended up using substances to help me cope, I tried both illegal drugs and antidepressant type drugs and eventually wound with a little piece of paper known as a prescription which gave me access to a whopping 4 mg of xanax per day with 5 refills. I had read something about professor Ashton the addictive nature of these sorts of drug which I knew were out of the valium class. I knew I should not fill this prescription. However, I gave into temptation, I let my frustration get the better of me and I went for the pharmacological quick fix.

 

I took benzos heavily for about three years, but the first year was not every day (which is my sig says 18 months on benzos, I only counted the daily portion). I was prescribed xanax but I had a couple of friends who had prescriptions for other benzos, so someimtes I would trade with them and take valium, or klonopin instead, but for the most part, I just took my xanax.

 

My xanax usage soon spun out of control and reached 14 mgs a day for a month or so (I was ordering extra ones online in addition to filling my script). I tell this part of the story, because I see many of you suffering who took such small doses. I hope that the fact that I recovered from taking a dose of 14 mgs a day might give you folks hope that you too can recover and hopefully much quicker than I did.  I wasn't on 14 mgs for very long (thank God) and I quickly lowered my dose down to anywhere from 2-8 mgs a day with the average probably being around 4.5.

 

Now it was around Christmas time the next year that I began to experience the dreaded "tolerance withdrawal" phenomenon. I felt the most horrible mood swings and severe depression and I also just felt like the life had gone out of me.  Any shred of self confidence I had was destroyed, not only my social self confidence my self confidence in all things. Even so, I remained in denial. I did not want to try to come off the benzos or admit they were the cause of my new illness. By summer, things were so bad, I would get home from work and flop into bed with no will to live. I realized there was no way I could continue along that road. I knew I had to either come off benzos or commit suicide. There simply were no other ways out of my situation and I refused to even consider suicide as a viable option. So that left me facing my worst nightmare, withdrawal. You see, I had researched benzo withdrawal a bit more once I realized how much they were harming me and the stories I read made me so scared that I became determined to just stay on benzos the rest of my life and never have to deal with withdrawal. It was only when I realized that no matter how bad withdrawal was going to be, I had to at least attempt it because staying on benzos was simply no longer a viable option. If I withdrew, at least there was hope. If I stayed on benzos, there was no hope. About 2 months after I came to that realization, I summoned all my courage and began reducing my dose. One thing I came to realize is that the natural drugs, like the the Lord, the God who created them, are for the most part, quite merciful. For example, you can recover from an opium addiction in a month's time. The man made drugs are also like their creator, man. Sometimes they can be merciful but other times they can be downright cruel and unforgiving. Unfortunately for us, that is the category in which we find our beloved benzodiazepines. But I had made the decision not to give up, to try to withdraw and win my life back no matter what it took. That was my intention, though in truth I had no idea of the true horror of what I was up against and perhaps it is better that way.

 

Probably because I was in tolerance for some time before finally deciding to quit, I was one of the ones who had a long and severe withdrawal, so bad that many times I didn't think that I would ever get better and gave in to despair. For the folks who like knowing the specific details, I did a direct dry cut xanax taper over 6 starting the following February and ending in August of 2009.

 

I had such intense symptoms, depression so deep that I could  scarcely conceive of happiness. All I could see everywhere both in the world and in myself was pain, I began even to associate things like beautiful music with pain because pain was so powerfully overlayed over all my sensory perceptions. The symptoms I struggled with most besides the aforementioned depression were unbelievable cog fog (my mind was just gone, I lost almost all ability to focus my attention and could barely read), head pressure, sensitivity to sound, extreme irritability, anger and rage (i was never a person who had anger problems before, nor have i had any since. yet during the height of my withdrawal, i wanted to literally murder my friends when i felt they had wronged me) mood swings and extreme emotional sensitivity, muscle pains, weak legs, muscle pain, frequent urination, tinnitis,  inner vibrations, balance problems and almost total emotional numbness.

 

Just the emotional numbness alone was horrifying and made life seem not worth living. I couldn't feel love. I remember I would hug my mom and feel nothing. No feelings for her. Horrified I would hug her harder and still nothing. My dog came down with cancer and I didn't care. It grew a tumor and died and I couldn't have cared less. In fact I was relieved when it died because it's incessant labored breathing as it lay dying would aggravate my withdrawal symptoms. This was a dog which I had previously loved. A dog which I had raised from the time when it was a wild puppy. It was so wild in fact that its prior owners could not handle it and gave it away and only out of great love and patience, was I myself able to handle it due to its wildness and disobedience. But it grew into a calm, well behaved, wonderful adult dog. Now try to imagine the pain and absolute horror I felt in myself at being so unmoved by its suffering and death. These are the depths of the depravity to which benzo withdrawal brought me. I was unable to feel the love in my heart. After a year benzo free, I had not improved at all and I really began losing hope.  I prayed to the Lord for healing and through his mercy he gave me strength to continue. He also gave me an amazing gift in the form of a friend, a girl, a nursing student who took me under her wing and cared for me. She helped nurture me back to health, spent countless hours talking to me, took me to church, prayed with me and helped me to begin the process of trying to restore my relationship with the Lord, whom I had turned away from and fallen into serious sin.  Not only do I wish to thank her in this story but also the many brave souls whom I met through the benzos forums. Pascual, a man somewhat well known in the benzo community, stands out above others, as he gave me the most personal help truly I was helped by so many people, all of which I keep a special place for in my heart. I clung to their success stories like a man in danger of drowning clings to a floatation device. The success stories, were of essential importance to me, in terms of my psychological well being and the keeping of a sense of hope alive and I cannot imagine having to go through benzo withdrawal without them. Being able to add my own success story is truly a dream come true for me, although the healing happened so incredibly gradually that that I can scarcely think of this moment, or any other particular time as being a milestone. I would get a little better, then worse again, then a little better, than worse again and so on until eventually I would realize the good times were more and more frequent and the bad times less and less. One thing I noticed is that my symptoms would flare up whenever I did not get enough sleep and that can still happen to me now actually. Sometimes I have a bad day or two and question whether I've really recovered, but even my bad days now are nothing like how I felt early on, they are just days when I only want to rest and don't feel like engaging in life. That has been the hardest adjustment for me, I was so ill for so long that I had to get used to not being a normal person, not putting the same demands on myself that a normal person puts on themselves and it has been tough for me to get back into the routine of getting things accomplished vs laying on the couch watching television or reading a book like a sick person would do.

 

At three years I was about 70% better and at 4 years now I am around 85% but also a much stronger person than I was before benzos. The withdrawal experience helped me to mature as a person and become a bit wiser. It taught me to be grateful for all that I have because not only could things be so much worse, but what I do have is special because I can choose how to respond to it. But but far the best thing to come out of all this, is how it forced me to consider what was really important to me in life, my reasons for seeking to escape from life through benzos and other distractions, and how I ultimately found that what I really cared about in life, was living a life that was pleasing to the Lord and trying to grow closer to Him, learning to practice virtue, humility and prayerfulness.

 

Anyway, I will keep praying for all those who are still suffering and I also want to make myself available if anyone has any questions about recovery, what helps, how to cope, etc. Just post whatever you want to know right in this thread and I will do my best to answer it.

 

 

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Congratulations on staying the path, Pete. Your story should give some renewed hope to those in protracted wdwl.

 

I hope so. I am one of the people who took benzos in high doses, combined them with alcohol, had bad tolerance withdrawal and still remained on them and then had a very severe and long lasting withdrawal. So I had everything against me except the fact that I wasn't on benzos for THAT long (not decades) and my youth. And I still recovered.

 

I didn't notice ANY improvement until over a year off benzos and even at 2 years things were so bad I wanted to shoot myself on an hourly bases. It was years 3 and 4 that the recovery came.

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Pete, Your story is very moving, almost brought me to tears. So glad your life is soooo much better!! I am on my 17th mo. benzo free and can relate to good days- good day -bad day- good days!!! The" rest part" is right on point. If I don't sleep very well I find a wave is gona find me!! So with that I will bid you a "Good Nite"    My best to youuuu,    Jude
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Wow Pete,

 

How gracious you are to come back and share all the dark parts of this experience...and with such vivid details. The ONLY thing that's helped me get through this is knowing I'm not alone and stories like yours, told in the most candid fashion, are the ones that help most. At times this experience has been so foreign and scary, I find it very difficult to even think about, let alone talk about. And even if I could talk about it, I wouldn't be able to express it so eloquently. But you are my voice! Thanks so much for writing it down and your prayers...

 

By the way...it doesn't sound like you have cog fog issues anymore  :)

 

 

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Hi Pete,I totally feel for you when you speak of not being able to feel love for your mother,and dog;that is the most scarey,cruelest feeling in the world,it we can't feel love for our loved ones,what would be the point in living.God bless you dear,and I wish you 100% healing.
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Congrats Pete on being 4 years out. This is a long hard journey and you are getting there. I am 3 years out and still have  symptoms and bad waves but your story gives me hope that I will heal.

 

Thanks for coming back to tell us your story and that you are healing.

 

I wish you complete healing in the near future and please come back and let us know how you are doing.

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Pete, Thanks for posting this!  I needed to read this tonight as I'm in such horrible pain.  Very inspiring!  I'm so glad you are pretty well recovered!

 

So the muscle pain has gone away?  Did it go away gradually or when you stopped? 

 

Mostly I have super bad lower body bone/muscle pain 24/7.  It dials a bit up and down depending on the weather, what I eat, and sometimes not sure why.  I'm still tapering... slowly (I'm on 2mg valium now).  It looks like another year before I'll be done I'm guessing...

 

Sonat

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Wow. Your story was not only moving, but very well written.  Thank you for sharing Pete and I hope you come back for an update in another year. Many blessings to you!!

 

Tina

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Pete, Thanks for posting this!  I needed to read this tonight as I'm in such horrible pain.  Very inspiring!  I'm so glad you are pretty well recovered!

 

So the muscle pain has gone away?  Did it go away gradually or when you stopped? 

 

Mostly I have super bad lower body bone/muscle pain 24/7.  It dials a bit up and down depending on the weather, what I eat, and sometimes not sure why.  I'm still tapering... slowly (I'm on 2mg valium now).  It looks like another year before I'll be done I'm guessing...

 

Sonat

 

Yes, the muscle pain is all long gone. I am amazed at how many symptoms that used to be so severe are 100% gone and have been for some time now.

 

The muscle pain took about 18 months post benzo to go away for me, but I tapered much more quickly than you are doing so I would say you have a much better chance of recovering faster. I don't know if it's good to take a whole year to come off 2 mg of valium, but I am sure you have looked into the pros and cons of your taper plan and know what you're doing. Just be patient and try not to worry about when you will get better because its not like you can make recovery happen any quicker by imposing a time frame on it and it just leads to disappointment if youre not well by the end of your time frame. For instance, I remember when I first came off, I wanted to be healed after 18 so badly. I looked forward to that milestone for so long and then I was so disappointed when not only was I not better, but I had noticed almost no improvement at 18 months.

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Very inspiring story Pete. It gives me hope that after many months of what feels like very slow recovery that over time the healing just keeps on happening. Thank you, and enjoy having your life back!
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Thanks for returning to post this.  You explained the emotional symptoms quite well.  I've never been able to truly do justice in words to how horrific benzo wd really is. 

 

I'm over 3 1/2 years out and healed but it's good to know I will probably continue to feel better and better with each passing year.

 

Thank you!

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I am so happy for you Pete.  I know what its like to dream of writing your success story.  I also know that healing does happen.  Thank You for coming back.  It means alot to us.  I am 33 months out and things are getting better but I also have a long ways to go.  Really nice to read success stories.  Thank You again Pete.     
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Thanks for taking the time to write this, Pete! I am 26.5 months off and although much improved, still have a long way to go. Your story and timeline is incredibly inspiring! Congrats on your recovery! I'm sure it will continue to get better and better. I hope the rest of your drug free life treats you well! :)

 

Hope

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Pete,  Thank you so much for posting your success story.  It will give me the strength to continue.  It was so great to read your inspiring story.  :)
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Pete:

 

Thanks for posting your story.  For those of us on the "long" road to healing, hearing about others more than 18 months out is so reassuring.  21 months this week and while slowly getting better I do have my setbacks whenever a big stressor or no sleep hits me.  I look forward to the day my system reacts to stress more normally.  This is a long, hard haul.  Thanks for sharing your story.  Good luck and continued healing.

 

Turtlegirl

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks you for writing this. I wish you great healing. Please come back ever year and let us know how you are doing.

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks for the story!  At what year did you return to work and did you get approved for disability?

 

Well, work has actually been the worst thing about all this. When I entered wd I had a really easy job that didnt require me to do much but just sit there, so I actually worked through the first couple years of withdrawal which was an absolute nightmare and I dont know how I survived it. Eventually though, my job started to get more difficult and I started to make a lot of mistakes due to the cognitive impariment and it wasn't long before I got fired. Since then, I have been fired from 2 other jobs and am currently out of work. I never bothered to apply for disability.

 

Anyway, even though I feel mostly healed with the only symptom still remaining being tinnitus/sensitivity in my head, I just feel like overall benzo wd weakened me somehow and made it so that I dont have the same stamina to work hard like I used to. I get tired very easily. I am not sure what I am going to do about work or supporting myself but I guess I will find something.

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