Please help!! Lowest ebb

Gussy if you are truly concerned about liver damage why on earth would you want to damage it further by taking on more drugs?

 

Have you been to your GP for a follow up since your hospital visit?

I had an abdominal ultrasound today. Will get the results in the next few days.

Then maybe just sit tight until you get the results.

 

What does your GP think of the oxy?

 

I hadn't heard that opiates were used for benzo w/d, actually I think it was major tranquilizers wasn't it? Doesn't matter I guess.

I hope you get up to a brighter day tomorrow.

 

Do something nice for your wife, make her feel happy to come home at the end of her work day.

 

Cook a nice dinner, just do something to keep your mind off all the stuff.

 

You just need to see yourself for the strong and capable person you are.

Gussy

I have been following your post and hoping hoping that you will be able to post that you are feeling a little better. I have been in this state of withdrawal for over 9 months now, and yes I have had really dark thoughts too. It isn't fair is it, all this pain to get off the crap and then feeling that life is't worth living. But please try to think that tomorrow just might be better than today. That is what I do everyday. And when I look back to 6 months ago. It truly is. Please take care

Sue

Oh I'm sorry gussy. I'm so glad u didn't get angry at me for suggesting the clinic. I can hear that u feel so desperate . I do think maybe a good support person in the form of  a therapist ? Someone who can listen to u to get to the bottom of your depression.

          It's not a safe place to be for u! I really can't stress enough, get some sort of support for yourself . Give that little one a kiss for me! Pinkee

In terms of healing, I don't 'have' 12-24 months to recover. Thats just ridiculous. That would seriously hurt my family and I don't know if I could endure it either. Its not an option.

 

 

Ya, who has 12-24 months right? I sure don't. My finances are in shambles. Huge strain on my family. Yet forward myself and my family go with me, each day one step closer to it being over. All my kids are going to be old enough to remember my w/d. The mood swings, crying, anger, etc.... Times where I have not been capable of being the best Dad I can be. I get to live with that and they will remember. My only choice is to keep going so I can be a better husband and father in the future.

 

You have to want to be away from benzos and willing to go as long as it takes in your particular case. The good thing is that you won't fell this miserable the entire time. The difference between 3 months and now almost 7 months is I work from home many days now. Taking breaks when the symptoms get to be too much. At 3 months there was rarely a day I felt well enough to do anything. 3 or 4 days in a month where I could do some work for a couple hours.

 

Unfortunately we can't go "half-way" here. Just Parker's post explains this is a brain injury and only time will heal it.  People who suffer brain injuries or cancer or MS don't have time for it either, but they don't have any choice. We are lucky in that all we have to do is wait it out and it's not going to kill us. You've done the 3 hardest months. Ask around BB and most members will say the first 1-3 months were the worst. Would be a shame to stop now. Take care!

So sorry Gussy, that you are feeling so bad.

 

Yes, as you probably already know, you can't stay on opiates.  You will develop tolerance and dependence to them, as well.

 

Maybe stay on them short term to get you through this bad time right now, but surely not for very long.

 

All the best to you.

Hi Gussy,

Perhaps talk to your doc about remron, there is a thread on here about the pros and cons of it, but it has helped some people get through the bad patch you're in right now.

It's not right for everyone, but I'd have to think it would be worth trying before you mess with suboxine etc.

You're only 3 months out, it's a very nasty patch for all of us at that time, so don't judge being off benzos by where you are now, You are now very bad compaired to where you will be, so it's not a true idea of being off benzos.

If you stay on them, you tend to build up tollorence which ultimately puts you back at 0.

You're definitely better at 0 and not taking benzos.

so keep going day at a time, I know it's a truely evil time, I've been there as have most of us here.

Good luck!

Thanks guys,

                    Sorry I'm not making a lot of sense at the moment. I know others here have been through similar but it feels so alone. I really feel like I've been beamed up and placed in some horrifying parallel universe that I could never have even contemplated. Three weeks ago I was relatively ok. I can't really put it into words.

 

Innadaze, were you ever afflicted by gulit because you had become such a burden? My wife gets up and goes to work while I lie in bed. I crawl out of bed while my poor 15 month old son screams in hunger. I force myself to change his nappy and clothes then feed him breakfast then dump him on the floor to entertain himself while I slump in front of the computer for the rest of the day. I rarely move other to give him his lunch. The only thing that helps is the oxycodone. It gives me a brief 'window' in which I feel well enough to get things done. But it wears off quickly. My wife gets home around 6pm tired from work and the house looks a shambles. She then needs to cook dinner for us both, clean the house and tender to our neglected son while I continue to sit in a catatonic state unable to even speak unless I've taken the oxycodone. She has to go to work because we need the money. Its a nasty situation that has no end. I see that many buddies actually work through wd in order to survive. Well, I don't want to cast dispersions on other buddies suffering but there's no way I could work now even to save my families' life. Like telling a man with two broken legs to go for a jog at gunpoint. How on earth could people work while going through benzo wd? This makes me doubt its actually benzo wd, many here manage to function and even work from home like you. At times I feel like I should be admitted to an asylum but thats not an option either because I need to look after our son so my wife can earn money.

 

I have to return to my Dr today to find out about the liver ultrasound results and discuss my situation. Suboxone is probably a better solution than reinstating the benzo's but I can't go on like this. I know the opiates are not good but atleast they're not benzo's. They do lift my mood very temporarily.

 

I just don't think I can subject my wife and son to this indefinately. And it is indefinate. There is no end. I haven't given up yet but I'm close.

 

Thanks surprised. I tried remeron and it did nothing but make me feel more spaced out. No conventional AD's have ever relieved my depression. Only opiates have unfortunately.

I'm unable to work while tapering as well, I had to come stay with my Mom, talk about shame!

I might could do it if the job would let me lie down on a couch somewhere everyone I had one of my "spells" lol

Hi everyone,

                  I went to my Dr of 6 years today and he recommended that I reinstate benzo's. He's anti benzo but said its not worth losing everything over and I would be better on a low dose benzo for life. He's more anti opiate than anti benzo and was far more horrified over me acquiring opiates than reintstating benzo's. I've dealt with him for a long time and trust him.

 

He seems to think that while being drug free would be ideal its not possible for everyone. He said opiates would totally ruin my life, he thinks everyone who uses opiates for mood disorders suffer a horrible fate, and that a low dose benzo for life is the best solution in a dreadful situation. My life and marriage is at stake. I tend to agree with him but find the idea of reinstating abhorrent. I pointed out the horrendous time I've had getting off benzo's but he said he did warn me about getting off benzo's entirely. He thought I should just lower my dose.

 

I'm confused. I feel that if I took a benzo my life would be renewed and the mist would lift from my eyes. Some really do well on a low dose benzo for life. Getting off benzo's had brought me to ruin and thats why I'm reluctant to reinstate.

 

Is reinstating worth a try? I realise it might not even 'work'. I can't go on like this.

Well, I don't know much, but I know people reinstate, find a dose to STABILIZE at, and try tapering again when you feel well enough, would this be an option? Did he say anything along those lines? A lot of people here are going to throw rocks at you, but ultimately I want you better..

 

From what I know, the low-dose for life doesn't work because of tolerance, and there you go again full circle back to hell and back...

 

My problem with benzos was tolerance I think, I started getting sicker while on the drug.... Of course I'm still tapering, so I won't spout off too much yet....

ps, bottom line is it's your life, and your decision, you do what you feel works best for you, don't let what others think about it concern you. I do know that you're taking what everyone says into heavy consideration to help make your decision. I'll support you regardless of what you choose. I still hope, some day, you'll win this battle and be able to live without drugs and depression, I know how you feel.

Best of luck.

Thanks Benzy. I really appreciate your concern. It does mean a lot during this horror stretch.

 

I either reinstate for life or stay off and try to endure the horror. Reinstating and then tapering again makes no sense. I'm in this position because my brain can't live without benzo's and if I taper again the same thing would happen. I haven't reinstated yet and I'm not taking this decision lightly. There are people I know of who have maintained a low dose benzo for 30-40 years so it can be done.

 

I'm sure the benzo's do something permanent to our brain especially after a long term habit and then we really do need to be on them, like it or not. The consensus here is very positive, that everyone can get off benzo's and live happily ever after. Thats bullshit, excuse my French. If I reinstate it will be with a view to staying on for life.

 

Its hard. I would feel like I've wasted this entire year and let myself down but it may be necessary.

I'm crashing, I will catch up tomorrow

Morning Gussy,

 

What did your doctor say about your ultrasound, is everything okay?

 

Chin

Gussy

I know I am in the minority here, but you do what you have to do.You are well informed about benzos and this is a personal decision. I do not believe you make it lightly. Hoping for some peace for you.

Thinking of you

Sue

Good luck with your decision Gussy. I think you can make it without if you continue off benzos for several more months and I'm concerned you could end up with an even messier w/d in a few months or years. In your earliest messages you mentioned reaching tolerance. You asked what we thought, so there is my 2 cents.

 

Whatever you end up deciding I support you and wish you peace of mind and body. 

Hi gussy, Please don't judge being off benzos by where you are now.

It will have to get better for you, even if it never reaches perfection, it will get a hell of a lot closer than it is now.

If you're back on, there's always the tollorence which will be as bad as being off, ultimately, and that means eather doses that get bigger over years or another evil WD that would likely be worse than this one is.

So, be very careful, and many docs are biased too far towards taking things where often it might be better to deal with the other thoughts that are in there somewhere.

Still, it's your decision, and you can only do what you feel is right for you.

That's all we all can do for ourselves!

Good luck, and may you make the right decision!

 

Thanks everyone,

                            I have held off reinstating the benzo's at this point but I'm still taking the oxycodon. I really disagreed with my Dr as he doesn't realise how bad benzo's are. Like most Dr's he's an opiophobe, thinks opiates are evil but benzo's are ok. My experience has been the diametric opposite. He refused to put me on suboxone and wrote me a script for more benzo's which I didn't fill. I'm at a bit of a loss and feel that if I went back on valium I'd be letting everyone down. This whole episode has been even harder on my wife as she has to work fulltime and be my carer as well.

 

On the bright side the liver ultrasound as ok apparently.

 

I don't know what to do. If I don't take the oxycodone I plunge into the deepest despair again. Become almost catatonic. If I take them I can function. I don't want to reinstate the benzo's either and conventional AD's like effexor have never worked for me. My Dr is terrified of opiates and won't be giving me anymore. He's happy to keep me on benzo's for life though.

 

I have a question to anyone with insight; Why are Dr's such as mine so frightened of opiates and recoil in horror at the mere suggestion of them yet are willing to prescribe a drug thats surely infinitely worse?

 

Also I know its not a particularly good plan of action but if I have to use opiates responsibily to stay off benzo's is that such a bad thing? Nothing else works.

 

Thanks for the support. These are dark times and even typing is difficult. I have no fine motor coordination.

How do you get the opiates? How long can you use it at a small dose?

And does opiates affect the GABA receptors? Would it be possible for you to continue healing from benzo/GABA receptors while on opiates? I don't know. Just curious

If a few months of opiates gets you through this hell then that just might be the way to go. Obviously come to your own conclusion with the help of a medical professional, and you've done that. All the evidence points to a shorter w/d period coming off opiates instead of going back on benzos and ending up with another rough w/d. Some people drink during their w/d. Some take cocktails of other psych drugs. As long as we come out alive then we do what we need to do. If my body wasn't so sensitive to medications and there was something I could take in the meantime to ease the pain I would have seriously considered it.

 

Wonderful news that the liver is ok! Take care buddie!

Thanks guys,

                    I got the oxycodone from the ER when I was admitted a few days ago. I was given 30 and another Dr I see accasionally gave me some more. She agreed that low dose opiates is preferrable to reinstating benzo's. So I have enough for a while.

 

It actually states in the Ashton manual that opiates don't interfere with healing from benzo's as many chronic pain patients have weaned off benzo's while on them. They have a completely different mechanism of action than benzo's. However its obviously far from ideal.

 

Thanks guys. Many on here would morally object to opiate use while recovering from benzo's but so awful is this period we have to do what we have to do as Innadaze said. I'm really at a loss and questioning how futile life is at times. Why do we bother?

 

Sometimes I just feel like I've had enough. This life is nothing but pain. Who would choose to be born?