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3 1/2 years and doing well


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Since entering a detox facility in Malibu, CA in March of 2010, I have been struggling to recover from benzodiazepine use.  It was a fluke how I ended up on Restoril (a sleeping pill).  My doctor asked me how I was sleeping.  I've always had weird sleep cycles, preferring to be a night owl.  I had no trouble actually falling asleep.  So I mentioned that I preferred a bimodal kind of sleep pattern.  He prescribed Restoril.  I hesitated since I really didn't care to be on any pills.  He assured me they were "safe as candy".  I began taking them nightly as prescribed.  In fact, I took one every night even thought most of the time I didn't need it because the bottle said I could be at risk of a seizure if I suddenly stopped.  I had no idea I could become dependent on them.  So for the next three years, I was on Restoril.

 

The doctor continued to increase the dose because it had become less effective until I was taking the maximum 30 mg nightly.  At this time I was 37 years old, had just purchased my first home and had started working as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice.  Externally life was very good yet I was feeling depressed and anxious.  The half life of Restoril is short and every day around 1pm I began to experience extreme anxiety making it difficult to work in session with my clients.  At this time, I had no idea the connection was actually tolerance withdrawal.  It became so severe I had to leave my private practice.

 

Fast forward almost 6 months later when it suddenly  occurred to me that it may be the pills that were making me ill.  I still had no idea what a benzodiazepine was or how to stop taking them so I just "tapered" from 30mg to the 15mg pills...in one day.  Oh my.  I ended up sick as a dog in the ER and left there back on 30 mg along with Ativan added to the mix.

 

After a few more attempts to stop on my own, I realized I was dependent and flew to a rehab facility in Malibu, CA.  It cost $40,000 out of pocket but I was desperate. I was put on Klonopin and gained some relief due to the longer half life. They took me off the Klonopin after less than 2 weeks and all hell broke loose five days later.  Side note: Rehab is not at all appropriate for people who become unwittingly dependent on benzos, taken as prescribed by their doctors.  I was not a drug addict and I resented being treated as such.  I knew I would not have cravings for these pills once I was off but all I kept hearing by former drug addicts was that I was in "denial".  It was extremely frustrating to say the least.

 

My last benzo was March 28, 2010.  I returned back home mid April 2010.  I had to live with my parents for the next couple of months because I could not care for myself.  The first two months were the worst.  During that time I had 3 ER visits because my BP and heart rate were dangerously high as well as my body temperature.  I was having continuous muscle spasms on the ER table and could not keep my body from twitching and moving.  I could not sleep for five days and began to hallucinate.  The level of sustained fear and terror I felt was immeasurable.  For two months I paced around the house, ran up and down stairs and was basically in fight or flight mode 24/7.  Everything scared me.  No matter what I did, I could not calm myself down.

 

After two months, the terror started to abate and I felt off and on relief.  I had no idea for the next 28 months I would live in perpetual limbo.  I had pretty much every withdrawal symptom but the mental symptoms were the worst.  Anxiety had not been a part of my life prior to benzos yet now I lived with it day in and day out.  The depression was chronic and severe.  I was seriously suicidal for about the first two years.  To make matters worse, I lived alone and could not work so I had financial stress on top of it.  By financial stress I mean I almost lost my home and had to use up all my retirement to stay afloat.  Several times I attempted to work and suffered tremendously every day all day.  No one knew what I was experiencing and, by that time,  I looked normal physically. 

 

For 2 1/2 years I spent about 90% of my life in bed.  Benzobuddies helped me realize what was going on when all the doctors kept urging me to try this drug or that.  I remained steadfast in my resolve to get through this without adding any psychotropics to the mix. By the grace of God, He gave me the ability to endure.

 

There were more days than I care to admit in which not committing suicide was considered a successful day...and it was, because today I am able to write my story of recovery in hopes that it will encourage someone else who needs to read this today just to get through another day.  Sadly,  one of my friends on this forum committed suicide.  This sent me into a tailspin as I became uncertain whether or not I would  make it. 

 

By 30 months, I began to get glimpses of normalcy.  At 3 years almost everything had faded away.  For the past 6 months I have been doing well but wanted to wait to submit a success story to be sure symptoms did not return.

 

Every time I think I am healed, I notice that I continue to feel better with time.  I can, at times, still be a bit sensitive to stress, exercise or certain foods.  About two months ago I drank a small amount of caffeine and spent the next few hours restless and uncomfortable so I just quit caffeine altogether.  I have not had any alcohol or any medications in the last 3 1/2 years so I have no idea what kind of affect they might have on me.  I have no interest in drinking alcohol anyway so this isn't a problem for me.  I eat whatever I want but notice that I don't feel so great after consuming fast food or too much sugar so I generally avoid it.  I'm a bit sensitive to strenuous exercise still so I keep it moderate.

 

Generally though, I can say with all honesty, I am now healed.  The depression, anxiety, panic, insomnia, lack of motivation or pleasure, irritability, rage, etc.  is all gone.  Not only are the symptoms of benzodiazepine withdrawal in the past, but I even feel happiness, joy, pleasure, motivation and my cognitive abilities have returned to normal.  I do still have mild tinnitus that I notice only at night and heart palpitations that come and go.  My confidence has returned and I've been back to working full time for a year now.  I have empathy for my clients who are depressed and anxious and a storehouse of techniques for battling both that I never learned in grad school. (Sometimes life experience is a better teacher than a book.)

 

For those of you in acute withdrawal (first few weeks to months) the level of intense symptoms does not last,  you will get some relief soon.  For those of you in protracted withdrawal, you have been through hell and back and are warriors.  No one but another protracted buddy will ever be able to sympathize with your arduous journey.  It is yours alone.  When the day comes and you are able to look back down that mountain you climbed, the sense of strength and accomplishment will be yours alone, too.  And it is now, finally, after 3 1/2 years free of benzodiazepines that I can say with confidence that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 

May God give you His courage and strength to endure this pain which is temporary so that you might know the peace that is waiting for you on the other side.  :smitten:

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Congratulations!  So happy for you! 

 

Unbelievable how sick someone can get at the hands of a doctor, whether well intentioned or not.  Glad you are doing well and you can smile in life.

 

I love new success stories, I honestly can not wait until I can give others the same encouragement you've just given me.  I'm praying for that deliverance  :smitten:

 

 

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Congrats L123, I am so happy for you, and I am very sorry that you lost a dear friend.

 

What you said about those in protracted withdrawal is so true. I am now at 21 months off with terrible anxiety and insomnia as my constant companions. I am like many here that have watched the months go by wondering when it will be my turn to write a success story. You have given me hope today and not to give up on my healing. Thank you so much!

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thank you so much for posting this. I am having a very hard time right now at 8 months out and finding recovery and healing to be hard to believe in in spite of some improvements. The mental sxs are brutal and don't seem to want to let go. You came through a lot. It was also good to read that you continue to get better!  thanks again

 

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I'm so happy for you and this is just what i needed to hear. Sometimes it feels like I will never heal. I have been benzo free for 18 months and i'm still suffering.. But thanks to you now i have more hope.. <3

 

Is there anything you did different at the three year mark or do you think time is the only cure? Were you surprised when you felt better? Did you think you would ever heal?

 

 

 

- Happy you made it to the other side

---Pyoung

 

 

 

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  What a journey you have been on, I commend you and honor you....you are a true warrior and were stead fast. You give me my future, that I will also have "me" back.....Blessings to you,  Jude
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Yay for you!!! I'm a year behind and still have a low dose antidepressant to come off but I sure hope that I may be where you are now in a year. I would be ecstatic!!!

Ru

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L thank you for this story and all the encouragement you have provided to me and many others. Your willingness to stay with this forum over the past few months and offer hope for others in immeasurable.

This journey is truly one through hell, I wish you the best and may peace follow you through the many days ahead.

 

Sharil

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  What a journey you have been on, I commend you and honor you....you are a true warrior and were stead fast. You give me my future, that I will also have "me" back.....Blessings to you,  Jude

 

Ditto from me!!  Yeah L123!!!  I know it took you so long to start being functional again, so for those of us who are on a longer healing path you have been an immmense source of encouragement!!

 

Any tips for those of us who are house and couchbound for a lomg time?  Did you find anything in particular that helped to pass the time?  Love to you!!

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I'm sending heartfelt congratulations to you.  :smitten: It has been a long and difficult road for you but you made it your destination..... wellness!!  Enjoy your life and thank you so much for writing this.

 

pianogirl

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This just brought tears to my eyes! A huge congrats to you on your healing! I am just now at 25 months off starting to have some real breakthroughs and a sense of clarity I haven't experienced in 3 years. My hope is I will feel as well as you by the 3-year mark. Thank you for taking the time to come back and share this inspirational success story. Wishing you continued health and happiness throughout the rest of your drug free life!

 

Hope :)

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Oh my goodness, what a story! I am so happy for you and I hope that each day brings more peace and happiness into your life. I know what a huge accomplishment this is and what a long road it has been. Congrats!!

 

:smitten:

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I'm so happy for you and this is just what i needed to hear. Sometimes it feels like I will never heal. I have been benzo free for 18 months and i'm still suffering.. But thanks to you now i have more hope.. <3

 

Is there anything you did different at the three year mark or do you think time is the only cure? Were you surprised when you felt better? Did you think you would ever heal?

 

 

 

- Happy you made it to the other side

---Pyoung

 

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes.  There was a long period of time (up until 30 months) when I really wondered sometimes if this was my new normal and whether or not this would be as good as it gets.  I even wondered if the success stories were even true.  But yes, it really does fade with time (too much time).  It really does all go away. 

 

To answer your question, Pyoung, there was nothing I did differently at the 3 year mark and it wasn't as if I just woke up at was suddenly healed at 3 years.  I would say the healing curve peaked at 26 months and from that point on it was a series of ups and downs and over all that time symptoms fizzled.  As I mentioned, I still have occasional mild symptoms from time to time, nothing that keeps me from working or anything, but I expect those to fade out with more time.

 

I was somewhat surprised when I noticed the anhedonia was fading.  I had no motivation for so long and doing the simplest of tasks was sometimes overwhelming.  I began to notice around 30 months off that I didn't have to give myself a pep talk just to shower or brush my teeth.  I began having some natural get up and go so to speak.  I also remember being surprised when the depression left.  I still thank God for that one as I seriously considered going on an antidepressant.  And around 3 years off I began laughing again and feeling joy and pleasure. 

 

There were many times I did wonder if I would ever heal simply because of the length of time I had been ill but when those thoughts would come I had to distract myself since I was already severely depressed it could have been dangerous for me had I lost all hope.

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  What a journey you have been on, I commend you and honor you....you are a true warrior and were stead fast. You give me my future, that I will also have "me" back.....Blessings to you,  Jude

 

Ditto from me!!  Yeah L123!!!  I know it took you so long to start being functional again, so for those of us who are on a longer healing path you have been an immmense source of encouragement!!

 

Any tips for those of us who are house and couchbound for a lomg time?  Did you find anything in particular that helped to pass the time?   Love to you!!

 

Oh I got so bored!  But I was too ill to do anything else.  I did force myself to sit in the sun when I could, I watched A LOT of TV, surfed the web, I couldn't read books though which used to be my favorite pastime...I think it just required more cognitive ability than I had at the time.  It was all sort of passive stuff. I watched a lot of movies, too.  There were times when the depression was so bad I couldn't even watch TV, I was so irritable, the slightest noise would annoy me.  Sometimes I just stared at the wall for hours.  I went on walks when I could.  I bet sewing would be a good pastime, I just don't sew. 

 

I couldn't do puzzles or anything that required any brainpower.  They were too frustrating and I would end up in tears.  The only books I read were about benzo survivors and the Bible but I could read only a couple pages at a time.

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Thank you for coming back and sharing your success story.

You are incredibly strong and you have earned your life back.

I hope it only continues to get better for you everyday.

It sounds like it is continuing to improve.

Glory be God.

Much love and healing,

Causing

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Thank-you for sharing this. My sister is on Restoril. She is a retired RN and refuses to discuss her use of it with me. I am very afraid for her but I realize she needs to go through this for a reason. I am so happy for your healing.
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Soooo happy for you. I have followed you here a bit on BB. It is with great joy that I read your success story. You have truly been to hell and back. Thank you for sharing your story-it is the real deal. It's truly miraculous what our bodies can endure and still come out on the other side.

 

Tina

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Leslie,

 

Congratulations !  Thank you for sharing your story.  I remember how horrible things were for you...and to read that you finally feel healed...is so encouraging to me. 

 

I remember in chat...when you were in a lot of pain....but you always took the time to encourage others. :hug:

 

God Bless You !

Sunny girl

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Hi L,

 

The gift of going through this horrible journey, are the gifts of your new life that you have.  In turn, the "Gift" you have given back is writing your "Success Story", for all to read, rejoice, cry and laugh..  Though, a "Success Story" written like yours and so many others, provides the hope for one and all now, and in the future who will read it.  They, from your words, can "believe" they will heal.  You have chronicled history for the ones in the future who will find this site as long as it exists, and will crawl here like all do.

 

Thank you for a journey so beautifully written.  Yes, life experience is always the best of teachers.  How your experience, as awful as it was.... the extension of your traveled journey will help you help so many so very much more in your field. 

 

Blessings to you always...

 

Pattylu

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