Gloomy, sad, anxious, lonely - just want to tell someone

Sorry this is not a very profound post about anything.  And I know there's nothing anyone can say. I also know it sounds like whining.  I'm sitting in a Starbucks, again, staring at emails as I do everyday, wondering and trying to remember to just be mindful and hang in there.  I begin to doubt what I want to believe, which is that someday I'll be back out in the world working, making friends, and smiling more. I think back on my life, even before benzos, and I keep thinking, "I've always been this way.  The benzos and the benzo tapering never were and aren't now the problem. It's me.  So stop complaining and get out and do something to make my life better.  Go volunteer somewhere.  Do something for someone else.  Do anything."  I'm really blue today.   

 

I'm sorry.  I just wanted to tell someone. 

Aw, I'm so sorry you're feeling blue...I'm here if you want to talk. 

Challis

I am sorry you feel bad. No, you are not whining. I too had depression and anxiety before benzos. When you feel better, after your withdrawal is complete, you may want to consider doing a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy program which can help with depression issues and can provide you with coping skills to combat depression and thinking patterns that contribute to it. There is also Mindful Meditation which helps restore our brain circuits to 'happier' ones and helps rebuild the hippocampus which is also responsible for calmness and feeling more positive. You can feel better and have a better life ... There is definitely hope.  Hope you feel better soon.

Duesie, I wanted to write a bit more to you...

 

Sadness, misery, the blues...all of this can well be withdrawal talking.  Lack of interest? Oh yeah.  When I was tapering and for awhile afterwards I had little to no interest in anything and anyone outside of benzo withdrawal.  Normally I'm one of the most dynamic, enthusiastic and energetic people around.

 

Who you are after withdrawal may surprise you.  I was on prescription benzos for sleep and later for anxiety for over 30 years.  It's been 17 months since I finished tapering and life has never been better.  Honest.  And I'm a calmer, more relaxed person than I ever was...surprising.

 

Whining is expected...if we don't whine out loud we definitely whine inwardly.  This is the place to do it.  We get it. 

 

Here for you.

 

Challis http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/grouphugg.gif

 

Hello Duesie,

 

It doesn't sound like whining Sunshine. It sounds like the creeping bastard, self-doubt that invades the bone marrow of all of us withdrawing from benzodiazepines.

 

Taking the miserable meds first robs us of a sense of self, stopping taking them then uncovers the aching void. You've not been yourself since 2002, you've been an android.

 

Now is not the time to self-question. "Who am I" is a bit ropey under any circumstances, in withdrawal it's just begging to be battered. The intrusive thoughts will be in like Flint and the only certain thing you will be is mince.

 

All you can be sure of is that there are less drugs inside whoever you are...and that's a good and brave thing.

 

Hang on in there. You will be fine.

 

Love, spartacus 

I have to tell you Challis, what you just wrote is pretty much what I needed to hear, that it will get better.  A guy keeps trying to "get out there" and it sort of feels like you're banging your head against a wall.  I have some great friends who say, "stop trying to answer the big questions now (job, relationships, what am I going to do with my life? etc.) while you're going through this."  But, I get anxious and want it to all come now, and then I seem to fail and I get more depressed.  But, it is a lonely thing, because I DO want to do things.  Or at least I do in concept.  I want to go to a "meetup" and make a new friend.  I do want to find something to volunteer in.  I do want to apply for a job.  But, then I get out my resume, and I start to look at job descriptions on line, or I sign up for a social events (like a luncheon or an art museum tour or a "night at the symphony," or, I get on line and look at volunteer opportunities, or I meet a woman and ask her out on a date, and it goes "ok" but then I just can't follow through ... maybe that makes sense.  And then the emails come in and the phone rings about some event and I think, "Oh God!"  So most days I end up just trying to hang in there and praying it will become easier to do these things ... someday.  And pretty much I just barely get through my emails that day and try to stay in touch with a few select people, go for a short swim at the end of the day, make dinner, get in bed and read.    It's where a desire (a lot) and ability (seems not like a lot) meet that is so darned depressing.  I know life isn't easy generally.  But you want to believe that the ABILITY to handle life will become easier after the benzos.  And it doesn't feel like it will.

Thank you also Sparticus! Really!  Thank you!  Both you and Challis.  I was continuing to complain while you guys were writing me back:)  It does get lonely.  But knowing there's an end (or at least a beginning out there) really matters!!!!  You lose hope otherwise, pretty much everyday, and sometimes several times a day, and as you can see from my taper schedule I have 4.5mgs to go.  So it gets discouraging. 

But you want to believe that the ABILITY to handle life will become easier after the benzos.  And it doesn't feel like it will.

 

I'm glad my words helped a bit, Duesie.  That's why I'm here.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that I felt all of the feelings you've described...and they have all resolved themselves.  I am fully functional and living life to the fullest at 17 months off. 

 

Hang on to all those 'want to' feelings.  Lots of people in withdrawal realize they aren't even feeling the 'want to' feelings anymore and that scares them.  At least you still want to do things.  The capacity to actually carry them out will return.  My theory is that instinctively our brains know that our central nervous systems are (temporarily) damaged and staying home/hunkering down is the very best thing to help heal.  Stress slows healing.  Unfortunately, many of us who have had benzos prescribed to us seem to be type A personalities, am I right? 

 

Challis

Yes you're right I think.  I never really knew (or understood) these personality types until recently.  I'd say I was/am type A.  I went to law school, worked pretty hard, always wanted to be someone "special."  Probably thought I was "special."  Destined for great things, you know?  I often think, looking back, I've just been an arrogant jerk all my life.  A grass is always greener type.  That gets really scary too, because all of those thoughts about the past, and the failures, come back and you want to believe you really aren't that way in your heart and won't be in the future.  But after years of therapy, going in when you just couldn't make life work, taking the meds because you just wanted to keep going, you feel like a failure ... and you kind of 'know' in your heart that you are and that you need to dial it all back now for the rest of your life and never aspire to anything again or you'll end up right back where you are now! It feels like I never had that self-control, realistic outlook on life or maturity that I now look around and I see in everyone else and I think, "wow, they really have it together. What the heck was I doing?!?!"     

 

Interesting what you say about "stress slowing healing."  I had never heard that before.       

Sorry this is not a very profound post about anything.  And I know there's nothing anyone can say. I also know it sounds like whining.  I'm sitting in a Starbucks, again, staring at emails as I do everyday, wondering and trying to remember to just be mindful and hang in there.  I begin to doubt what I want to believe, which is that someday I'll be back out in the world working, making friends, and smiling more. I think back on my life, even before benzos, and I keep thinking, "I've always been this way.  The benzos and the benzo tapering never were and aren't now the problem. It's me.  So stop complaining and get out and do something to make my life better.  Go volunteer somewhere.  Do something for someone else.  Do anything."  I'm really blue today.   

 

I'm sorry.  I just wanted to tell someone.

 

Good to let it out, Duesie.  It will pass.

 

U R at 4.5 mg Valium/Diazepam.  Great job.  Think of all the hard work you've done to get there.

 

And keep sharing.  Don't hold it in. 

I should say stress appears to make things worse...possibly it only makes us feel worse rather than actually preventing healing, but in reading tons of stuff, I've found some references to diet, sleep and stress reduction being the big influences on recovery.

I agree with Challis ... "wanting" to do things is very promising ....

Not everyone has this so early on.

 

You will get your life back.

 

I know it's rough ... but try not to be so hard on yourself.

The big picture can be daunting .... but if you focus on today only .... it can be manageable.

 

Many of us have recovered .... and so will you.  Never doubt this.

 

I suspect that you will achieve even greater things after this challenging experience!

In the meantime ... take your time ... go easy on the meet-ups ... forgive yourself ... and allow yourself the chance to heal.

 

Lizie

 

 

Thanks Lizie too!  I will try to.  I promise.

I should say stress appears to make things worse...possibly it only makes us feel worse rather than actually preventing healing, but in reading tons of stuff, I've found some references to diet, sleep and stress reduction being the big influences on recovery.

 

Thanks Challis.  I had replied to your note on this (sleep, diet, etc.) but it doesn't seem to be here.  I have noticed that lack of sleep can make the days harder.  Someone also mentioned getting a lot of protein in your diet and I do that.

 

I feel like my posts reveal pretty seriously how type A I am.  I started this post this morning with a "I just want to tell somebody ...," with my head down and sort of feeling defeated, and then you all reply and it's like a damn breaking.  I start to feel almost euphoric and hyper like "great!  I'm going to get better!!! And I start writing my life story to all of you."  And then that subsides and I start to doubt.  It can really cycle fast, up and down.  It's so strange ... and uncomfortable.   

I should say stress appears to make things worse...possibly it only makes us feel worse rather than actually preventing healing, but in reading tons of stuff, I've found some references to diet, sleep and stress reduction being the big influences on recovery.

 

Thanks Challis.  I had replied to your note on this (sleep, diet, etc.) but it doesn't seem to be here.  I have noticed that lack of sleep can make the days harder.  Someone also mentioned getting a lot of protein in your diet and I do that.

 

I feel like my posts reveal pretty seriously how type A I am.  I started this post this morning with a "I just want to tell somebody ...," with my head down and sort of feeling defeated, and then you all reply and it's like a damn breaking.  I start to feel almost euphoric and hyper like "great!  I'm going to get better!!! And I start writing my life story to all of you."  And then that subsides and I start to doubt.  It can really cycle fast, up and down.  It's so strange ... and uncomfortable. 

 

Oh my gosh, yes!  I'd forgotten about that up and down emotional roller coaster... overthinking, doubting things.  All those things are typical 'w/d thinking'.  I know it feels real, like it's you... but most likely it's not. 

Duesie...have you started a blog?  Every member can have one.  Great spot where other members of the forum can find you...where you can write your story (my blog has a link in my signature so people can click the link to get there without searching). 

Challis 

Yes .... I know those cycles .... but they do pass and stop eventually!

 

Remember .... you are not alone .... and complete recovery does happen ....

 

Lizie

Oh, Challis, I'd be afraid to write a blog with my "story."  I'm pretty scared just to get on the site and do posts like this, although I'll say I have been helped greatly at times by doing so, your responses today, Lizie's, Spartacasis, for example, really calmed me down (or gave me some hope).  But you know, there is a flip side, I've noticed. I have so much doubt about the root causes of my troubles right now, that it's not mostly benzos but rather fundamentally mostly something inherently wrong with me. (I couldn't make relationships work, I drank too much, I was socially awkward and unlovable, or whatever.) The "story" plagues you. And you go and tell it to the outside world and most people will, mostly without any bad intentions, say things that reinforce the fear that "it's me."  For example, I've been doing CBT for years and wondered, "why can I not seem to change my thinking patterns even with therapy?" and then the thought struck me, "well, maybe it's not because I'm just an obstinate, treatment resistant person like all of the therapists and psychiatrists say, maybe it's because I'm on all of these benzos and depressed and anxious out of my mind all of the time.  Even your last reply where you very kindly wrote, "yes, I remember those ups and downs ...  I know it feels like it's you, but most likely it's not..."  I zeroed in like a laser on the "most likely it's not."  And I thought, "shoot, maybe it is me!" It's not that I want to turn a blind eye to anything inherently wrong with me and expect getting off these benzos to be the new "magic bullet."  But, I want to believe that getting off of these drugs will in fact make all of the struggles in life so much easier.  I wonder if that makes any sense. 

 

Thanks so much for everything Challis.  I really mean it.  Now I just have to hang on to it.

 

Duesie   

Thanks again Lizie - It's good to hear. It really is.  Once again, I was typing a long reply out of fear and self-doubt while you were posting back. 

If it's any consolation .... you are coming across as a very intelligent, perceptive individual

who is temporarily filled with self-doubt because of this horrible withdrawal.

 

These doubts are withdrawal at its finest ..... they make you question your very essence .....

smash your confidence etc.

However ..... once you acknowledge and accept that it is only withdrawal .... you can dismiss them ....

and give yourself some permission and time to heal.

 

"most likely it's not" is just what it says.  I would go further and say "it's not"

 

I have so much confidence in you .... you are going to succeed.

Lizie

 

Dear Duesie,

  I read this thread with interest. You write very well. It reminded me of a thread RiverWolf started titled lies that benzos tell us. The feeling that we are fundamentally damaged is one of them. Benzodiazepines do a good job of beating us up...pointing out our flaws and making us believe we are unworthy. In withdrawal it is our task to be as focused on gentle self care as possible. Self compassion is essential. Treat yourself like you would treat a young child in distress. You deserve that.

  I am impressed you are out and about...that is a great sign. The fact you have a list of desired activities is wonderful. As the drug dose decreases and you heal I am certain you will see how altered your perception has been. I wish you the very best.

  In friendship,

Carita

My goodness.  What a difference these last two posts make (yours, Carita, and Lizies again just before it).  Between the time I wrote that last post and just now my mood had really plummeted.  It's a feeling that no matter how hard you try you simply cannot get the right words out to make yourself understood.  I almost didn't sign back on to check if anyone had replied out of fear that they may have and I would start fighting again or out of fear no one had replied, they'd just thrown up their hands and said, "nope, that dudes got issues ... can't help him!"  Maybe I don't give others enough credit.  I do know I'm driving my best friend and his wife nuts with this.  They are on your side; "this is not you, it's withdrawal."  But I swear I have to hear it 20 times a day.  Perhaps THAT is a non-benzo withdrawal personality trait of mine.  I don't know.

 

At 1.5 (I think that's right) and having difficult symptoms, Carita, I sure appreciate your taking the time to read this string and weigh in.  How does one stop believing the "lies" and hold on to that?  It would make this so much easier. Not perfect, but easier.

 

And Lizie thank you again as well.  You're very kind with your encouragement. I notice you had some difficulty in July.  I hope it's eased a bit.  On a side note, I did burst out laughing (rather rare these days) where you said in your taper schedule, "the nutter added clonazepam."  I'm aware there are English speaking folks on this site from all over and perhaps "the nutter" is not intended to be particularly funny, but it sure made me laugh. 

 

There's a long way to go, it seems.  I'll admit I'm fearful.

 

Very best,

Duesie

Duesie, you mention needing to be reassured. Many times a day I ask my hubby to tell me I am in withdrawal...not plain going crazy! The need for reassurance is another withdrawal lie. Look at us...intelligent, highly educated, sensitive type A's needing constant encouragement and reassurance. That is withdrawal talking!

How not to believe the benzo lies? I remember another buddy stating we must remember who we are outside of withdrawal. I wrote myself a beautiful letter starting with "I am Carita"...followed by all of the characteristics I love about myself. I often read it to remind myself I have a full and beautiful life outside of withdrawal. This experience is consuming. Take time to remember YOU...not the you with benzos on board.

One day at a time...

Carita

That's the beauty in a support group...we get it...we're there or we've been there (or we're headed there...omg  ).  We understand the fear, the apprehension, the need for reassurance.  I try not to appear cavalier about people's symptoms because I know how scary it is when you're in the depths of it.  I also already know you'll get through it and recover.  And I know what recovery looks like because I'm there.  I won't say it's worth going through this process to gain some appreciation for life and health, but it's close!  You'll do this and when it's over life will be brighter than ever.

 

And we won't give up on you. 

Glad I made you laugh, Duesie, with "the nutter added clonazepam" .... lol ....

.... it was intended that way.

I think a sense of humour helps take the edge off ...  ....

 

Very best to you, too ....

Lizie