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Or at least all me reacting to whatever has gone wrong with my brain and nervous system. As far as I can tell, there's no such thing as windows and waves or setbacks or anything. It's felt the same the whole time. I seem to be able to put myself in a window or a wave just based on the situation I'm in. If I'm being distracted by friends I seem to be strong and be able to handle it and its easier. If I go home and sit alone I go flat out crazy. What's a setback if it happens all the time. As far as I can tell nothing has changed from the beginning. I will say I've had some moments where the easier times went beyond easy to small moments of normal, so that's gives me hope, but nothing makes sense and healing isn't happening in any way that can be seen or felt. I just contine to go crazier as time goes on. I'd like to believe that it has gotten better but my depression and ability to handle this after 2 years continues to get worse but I don't know. I just feel like I'm at a breaking point where soon I won't be able to feel this way anymore. I don't even know what's really wrong with me.
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Hey Coop,

 

Try not to let this crap get to you.  Seems like w/d is like snowflakes, no two of us are exactly alike.  Sounds like you are getting little glimmers of wellness so that is a positive.  Try to keep youself busy doing the things that make you feel better.  Down time is the hardest, but for me I play a lot of games on Pogo.  It has been a lifesaver.  Do you have hobbies or busy work that you enjoy? 

 

Sending Hugs....

China

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[cf...]

It sounds like distraction is the key for you. When you are with friends or doing things you take your focus on the suffering factor. Reading threads and from my own experience, it seems to be the answer to most. Spending time thinking about what you are dealing with or focusing on it seems to make it worse. So maybe doing whatever you can to not focus on it will help. I spend all my time distracting myself. My life is one giant distraction. The WD may still be there but it doesn't stay in the forefront so much and I can live life more like a person than suffering through it trying to survive.

 

What sort of things do you like? TV? Movies? Reading? games?

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I like all those things and try and do them but I just can't move it to the background most of the time and it almost seems like trying makes it that much worse. Oddly enough, sometimes we'll go stay at my mothers and just that change of environment will make the same attempts easier like watching TV or whatever. I just feel like I have to have the perfect combination of things at the right time to e able to handle it. I can't be calm at my own home without certain company hardly ever.
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Hi coop,

 

sorry to hear you're not doing well. I'd like to respond to what you said here:

If I'm being distracted by friends I seem to be strong and be able to handle it and its easier. If I go home and sit alone I go flat out crazy.

I've experienced the same thing. Maybe what you need is to just not sit home, alone, at all right now. I know that's a tall order, but it sounds like you've got a lot going on, and the drug aspect of it is only part of that.

 

When I was at my worst, the only way things got better was by literally forcing myself to be on a very, very rigid schedule that was full of healthy activities of one kind or another, and left me almost zero unstructured time. Unstructured time may be a really big problem for you right now.

 

I still don't do very well when I'm alone for any extended periods. I haven't solved that yet, but I keep an eye on it, and until I do I just limit the amount of time I spend alone. I'm simplifying this, because it's not easy to put into practice, and I'm trying to make it sound easy because the idea is very simple.

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it's good to see you posting...i was thinking how you were? this is getting difficult for me too here at 17 months. i still have very severe brain squeezing's that don't seem to want to go away.

 

I can't be calm at my own home without certain company hardly ever.

 

it seems you wrote about your home a few times as being the place you are not comfortable in. is there something going on there that could be bothering you on a deeper level? is the it trauma of this withdrawal? sorry, and don't mean to pry. it was just an observation in your writing. i do wonder how much of the subconscious writes these posts for us or how much of it is really us being wide awake?

 

I just feel like I have to have the perfect combination of things at the right time to e able to handle it.

 

i think until the nervous system is completely healed and every single GABA receptor is in it's up regulated state--it will only be the perfect conbination of things at the right time to be able to handle things. i can't handle when little shit goes wrong. it's always a big deal for me--i know it would be different otherwise.

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[cf...]

I like all those things and try and do them but I just can't move it to the background most of the time and it almost seems like trying makes it that much worse. Oddly enough, sometimes we'll go stay at my mothers and just that change of environment will make the same attempts easier like watching TV or whatever. I just feel like I have to have the perfect combination of things at the right time to e able to handle it. I can't be calm at my own home without certain company hardly ever.

 

Sounds like the environment is associated with what you are going through. I had a period like this where the walls and furniture, even the color of the paint -  everything about it just reminded me constantly though it didn't come through that way. It was just like the memories and suffering were there because everything was the same.

 

The only thing that worked for me was to accept that it is what it is even though it broke my heart. It felt like so much loss to just admit that this was where I am and would probably be forever. This, for me wasn't a health crisis but a life situation where I realized it was never going to change. Unrelated to the benzos and long before the benzos posed any issues for me. And it was the truth. I am still in that same house. Same room. Nothing has changed but my acceptance of it. I had to grieve the loss of my hopes and dreams. In your case, maybe it's like that but you have to grieve the loss of quality of life while realizing that people do recover and you eventually will. For me, with benzo WD, and when I was tapering from an antidepressant, I found acceptance of the situation to be very helpful. Cheri Huber and especially Eckhart Tolle were very helpful to me at the time. They are still helping me now. Feeling stuck, which I imagine you do, or trapped might be a better term, amps everything up to feeling worse. And it doesn't help your symptoms. It just drives you deeper into despair. I remember feeling almost caged. Definitely trapped in my life situation. Well, the good news for you is that people do heal from this. Even in your own posts you do admit to some brief periods of feeling better and so that IS HEALING. It's just taking a lot longer that you expected. Expectations are another trap. When they don't get met it's easy to fall into a mental rut of despair. Giving them up helped me immensely as well as acceptance. They tend to go hand in hand.

 

The best wisdom I can offer is that letting go of expectations and just accepting where you are and that it totally sucks is one way to do an end run around the whole nightmare. It's a grieving process. For me it was permanent. My situation cannot be changed (my life situation outside the benzo realm). So for me, it was a death of sorts. Death of hopes and dreams and watching most of the world continue while I remain where I never wanted to be from the start. But for you, it's this benzo hell, which can heal. So it's more about patience and giving up expectations that you had and how you hoped and expected it would be done by now. But healing is happening even at this moment. Even when you feel it is not. It is just not happening according to your schedule or expectations, which totally sucks, but there it is. So maybe to get past all that you have to start accepting all of it. I know that is what I had to do and I am far better off than I was before. I can deal with things much better and have things that bring me happiness and joy. Didn't have that before I accepted where I was and how things were. It was a loss I had to grieve, but then I got on with life. Of course, then I got hit with the benzo hell, but I figure I'm set better for dealing with it because I've already learned the most valuable tools anyone in this situation could have. How to accept it and how to not let expectations get me down.

 

Based on what you've posted, I'm thinking this really could be the case for you. Eckhart Tolle was my life saver. He has a few good books (Power of Now is great) but his CD and MP4 talks (I have them on an ipod, listened to more times that I can count) were really what saved me. If it weren't for him, I'd be in deep suffering still or probably dead or completely off the wall crazy. I would not have an ounce of joy or happiness, and despite this benzo BS, I do have times where I am amused, happy, feeling good even on days that I have symptoms.

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I fell into that trap.  Sitting at home, alone, not much to do and feeling sorry for myself.  Pondering, wondering, when will all this end.  Feeling helpless and hopeless and as my wife and psychologist called it a "pity party".  It is difficult when you don't feel well enough to go out and do anything.  For me, I had to push to go to the gym and get in a full workout.  Playing golf with friends was a once a week endeavor and let me escape my hell.  I can tell you that I didn't feel up to going many times but I would push myself to do it and usually felt better afterwards.  There are those days when not much is scheduled and those were the hardest.  Watching t.v. was a chore and just couldn't get into it many times.  Just know you can do it and you will find a way.  One day at a time was my motto.
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It's just gone on so long that the fear of it being forever and not knowing how long I can last this way always trumps my ability to be strong. I mean, I'm truly convinced this doesn't go away. There Los really no proof. There are success stories but I haven't seen a single person heal since I've been on here. Success stories feel like lies. Especially since I and feel myself getting better. It seems like windows are just a temporary time when the misfiring chemicals and receptors get it right but it can't sustain and it will be like that for us all forever.

 

And it seems like I've been it so hard with all the hardest things that constantly drive me crazy so I don't know how long I can last. I just want to know for sure I'll be completely well again.

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[cf...]

It's just gone on so long that the fear of it being forever and not knowing how long I can last this way always trumps my ability to be strong. I mean, I'm truly convinced this doesn't go away. There Los really no proof. There are success stories but I haven't seen a single person heal since I've been on here. Success stories feel like lies. Especially since I and feel myself getting better. It seems like windows are just a temporary time when the misfiring chemicals and receptors get it right but it can't sustain and it will be like that for us all forever.

 

And it seems like I've been it so hard with all the hardest things that constantly drive me crazy so I don't know how long I can last. I just want to know for sure I'll be completely well again.

 

Have your windows been even a bit more frequent? Have you had them longer over the past 6 months to a year? Are you having them somewhat regularly?

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I guess they are a bit more frequent but I also wonder if that's just me putting myself in better situations to distract more at times. But I've truly felt normal a few times for minutes at a time. But I think 2 of my best moments were around a friend I hardly ever see so it scares me that it's just me somehow making the windows happen, therefore it must be allowing this to happen. Do you see what I'm saying?
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[cf...]

Yes, I do. And I think in a way it is a little bit you because from what you've written, it looks like your thinking gets in the rut of fear of not recovering. So when you dwell on that, symptoms amp up.

 

It's like if you have had some injury... and it hurts and you're really focusing on it A LOT. Then you get a paper cut (those suckers sting like crazy!) and suddenly all your attention is on the paper cut, then it's like the injury bothers you less. Of course, it is still there, but your attention has moved from it. That's why distraction works wonders because your attention has moved from the symptoms to other things.

 

So in a way, you are doing it to yourself unintentionally. The symptoms are still there, and I'm not diminishing that or that you are suffering, but I'm saying that your attention focused on it and dwelling on it can actually make it feel worse because you are so focused on it. Back to the paper cut example. Your attention is off the injury and when you go back to it, it seems a little better. This happen to me with a leg injury. And actually a paper cut which is why I use the example because it really put things in perspective. I was stuck on my leg bothering me. I had broken it, was walking on it post surgery some months out when I really felt it should have been better. I was fearing it would never get better and I'd never get back to my weight training and exercise and walks that I loved. It seemed to just be stuck at this general stinging soreness. So I would dwell on it and be upset and scared. It was a weird fracture. Location made it worse at the time. Then one day I got this deep paper cut. It stung like I was sliced with a butcher's knife. Zoom! All my attention is on the cut. It's bleeding enough to keep me focused on it. Not overly so but just enough. It stings, burns, unbelievably so. I spend the next 10 minutes rinsing it and putting a bandaid on it. Then back to my desk and as I sit I realize I didn't think about my leg or ankle at all during that whole time. Before that, every time I walked or moved or put pressure on it of any sort, it was pain and I noticed it. That was the day I decided to not give it my attention like I had been. From there on, when it hurt I was like, 'yep, broken leg... healing, got other things I'd rather think about.' Did is stop bothering me right away? Well, no. But it stopped bothering to the degree it had been and then I started noticing here and there that it had been bothering me less and less.

 

Your friend was like the paper cut. Different environments are like the paper cut. ANYTHING that gets your mind out of that rut of suffering and fear that this will not get better is like that paper cut. I'm saying find your paper cuts. Not literally of course, but whatever you can do to get your mind off that pessimistic scary thinking because I think it's making it harder for you to notice some healing that has taken place or that the windows are there and improving because even in a window you seem to dismiss it because you are focused on those waves.

 

Does that make sense to you? I tried to use the best analogy I had. It's pretty normal given what you've been through and for how long. I was buggered out at six or eight months with my leg. You've had benzo WD for two years. It's understandable how your mind would be focused on the worst. But you deserve better than that. You owe it to yourself to give those windows more attention and respect. They are your signs of improvement. They matter more than the waves because they prove you are getting better even if it is more slowly than you would like.

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It does make sense but it seems no matter how hard I try it still gets to me and no matter how badly I want to believe I'll get better I don't see the proof. I don't even see others getting better and I can't get past that possibility because that's what it feels like. It feels like the same thing every day forever. And worse I think to myself that if I try to do more things that I don't want to do it make me feel better but I'm exhausted of trying, especially when it doesn't help and it's so hard to get through.
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You say you haven't seen anyone heal. I assure you that is not the case. For one thing the moderators on this site have either completely healed or are almost there. "Parker" who wrote what is happening in your brain , suffered horribly for over a year now writes how well she is doing. "Eastcoast" , who used to be on this site daily also suffered horribly . She also has recently written how well she is doing , that she is almost ready to write a success story . There are many many others . Look up people that were on this site a few years ago , most of them are gone now because they have healed.

 

People do heal from this and so will you

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[cf...]

The thinking cycle and depression is probably benzo WD related. Doing things you don't feel like doing won't help. I agree with that.

 

I think your assessment about not seeing or believing others are getting better is off though  and since that seems to be a core piece of the issue, maybe you could post asking everyone who is improving to reply - if they've seen improvements that they are recovering from this then ask them to post. Thos posts can help you at least see that what you think and believe about that is NOT true. That might help enough to get you to see that if others can be healing and getting better then you can too.

 

Just a thought. I'm really sorry you feel this bad. I wish I could offer something that would help.

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I get what you guys are saying. I guess I'm seeing the ones that are similar to me that aren't getting better. I don't see the ones that were on here at one point writing posts in desperation ever getting better. I know Parker and I know she suffered, but she was also able to come on here and be positive to everyone instead of ranting because she can't take another second like I have. I have horrible nerve pain that doesn't seem to be going away and on the protracted board on dont see theirs going away either. I know I'm stubborn, but I'm only that way because of the evidence I truly see. If others feel like they've gotten better, why can't I? I try and really put it into perspective and I just don't see it. And even the ones that say they are still suffering but have faith, I look at them and see the same posts as a year ago it seems. Maybe it's just me making myself believe the bad things but it really feels like we're stuck. Even those that are doing better seem to be stuck at that point too. If do anything to get better. I just don't know that things is. Waiting feels like I'm stuck.
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It does make sense but it seems no matter how hard I try it still gets to me and no matter how badly I want to believe I'll get better I don't see the proof. I don't even see others getting better and I can't get past that possibility because that's what it feels like.

 

Coop, I think you're looking at a lot of things and then selectively picking out the blackest, darkest bits and ignoring the rest. I remember when you were posting a year or a year and a half ago - you were going through some really rough shit, and so was I.

 

I have gotten better. I've been off of everything for months now. My moods are more understandable. I can tolerate anxiety much better without adding to it. I am proof that people can get better with time and effort. The second part of that is really important; I credit my current improved state to all the exercise, meditation and healthy eating I've done over the past couple years. If I had simply sat home and waited to improve, I don't think I would have.

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Coop,

 

I wish I had the right words for you.  As to those who have suffered like you have anf are healing, a couple of folks come to mind...sweet g ( who.was hit super hard and then got hit by a steroid) and gottobeatthis

  Got suffered terribly until about 26 mos and then things rapidly disappeared.  He hasn't posted here in a bit but is active on a fb group I am part of....and I am currently trying to chat w him bc his symptoms seem similar to mine.

 

You will heal, and you have an endless suply of courage and determination to get you there.

 

Xoxoxo

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[cf...]

Coop, I've done what your doing during serious depressions years ago. I think the WD is adding to it plus when you are stressed and in a lot of pain, it seems like nothing gets better or will get better. I know that. It's like the opposite of rose colored glasses. And honestly, I think the protracted board, in your specific case, is making it worse for you because while they can understand what you are going through, you are seeing the worst situations whenever you go on. I won't deny that there are people that have horrible protracted WD that seems like it's never getting better and never will get better, but in the regular forum, I've seen a lot of posts from people that say they are improving. And I try to not let the few that are having difficulties stick with me. It helps when I'm having a rough day because on a rough day I can get into the thinking you are dealing with. Actually, on a rough day, I mirror your thinking exactly. So I avoid stuff that can add to it on those days. Maybe just reading some of the posts in different forums will change your perspective and help you start to feel better about this and that people do recover and so will you.

 

Just give it a try. Peek into the areas of the board that aren't protracted or overly focused on WD. In those areas I find people who have healed or are healing all the time. Even ones who post with symptoms often state how they're improving. You're just on a different time frame. I don't see it as not healing at all. Just a different schedule.

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It's just gone on so long that the fear of it being forever and not knowing how long I can last this way always trumps my ability to be strong. I mean, I'm truly convinced this doesn't go away. There Los really no proof. There are success stories but I haven't seen a single person heal since I've been on here. Success stories feel like lies. Especially since I and feel myself getting better. It seems like windows are just a temporary time when the misfiring chemicals and receptors get it right but it can't sustain and it will be like that for us all forever.

 

And it seems like I've been it so hard with all the hardest things that constantly drive me crazy so I don't know how long I can last. I just want to know for sure I'll be completely well again.

 

Hi Coop -

 

A lot of buddies have already dropped by to say some very smart and supportive/encouraging things - so I will try to address this one.

 

I think a bunch of people get off benzos fairly easy. Then there are those that don't - and that's us.  Many seem to not get hit "that hard" and they post a little (but only read mostly and not post) - and you dont' get to know them super well - and they just post their success story in a few months. Then - there are those for whom this is a longer healing - a much longer healing sometimes. 

 

I am one of them. I'm 2 years off in another month.  I am WAY better than this time last year - but I am seriously a lot better than 6 months ago now, too.  My waves now are so subtle that it takes me a while to label them "a wave" and even still - they last mere hours - not days - not weeks.  Then  - the windows are more typical.  Most of the time, I'm having waves twice a week for a few hours and with varying degrees of windows in between. In the last week, I went to Disney all day, bowling, and have done 2 grocery trips, cook dinner every night for a family of 4.  I could not do this a year ago.  I could not do MOST of this even 6 months ago to the degree I do now (I could do all of that over weeks, but not in one week - and now I can do most normal life things - I can make appointments and keep them .I can plan small things knowing I will likely be able to do them and less likely to cancel, etc.)

 

I don't have a 100% success story yet because I dont' consider myself healed.  I consider myself still healing.  And as such, I'm only popping into the forum here and there. 

 

I share this because I want you to know 3 things:

 

1) We are all always getting better - although the changes are slow and not easy to feel or perceive until things really start to come together.

2) People DO heal a great deal, but they may not be fully healed yet and this may be why they dont' post success stories YET.

3) I think many people just drift away and start returning to life more - and then just sorta forget about the forum. Many more are only here every now and then (like me). Some of them post and some just read or login to check mail.  It takes energy to read through forum posts and even more to support others - and sometimes you just don't have that energy as you are trying to return to life . Or you only have it here and there. So - you often notice that people you used to see aren't here - but it doesn't mean they aren't getting better.  :hug:

 

Coop - Some of us take longer to get to a "turn".  I think you are having small windows when you describe things feeling almost normal for those times you are with people. Your doing a great job of distracting while you just make it through.  That's really awesome. That is what I've been doing the whole time, too - as much as possible. The closer you get to full healing - you will find it's not as difficult and you will be able to add more normal things - but for right now - those are good strategies.  The pain won't last forever.  It's hard to remember, but try to remember that it's not "damage" that is causing the pain - it's "regeneration" that is causing nerves to fire off - the receptors are squirrely while this happens - and just about any nerve sensation you CAN feel you DO feel (prickly, pins, needling, burning, cold senations, wet, aching, squeezing, etc.) The nerves are firing and at seemingly random times. I think you will find the pattern to be a) pain all the time or most of the time b) pain with breaks of relief in "windows" c) pain only half the time with longer periods that you notice it's not there d) pain only sometimes in waves e) no pain whatsoever except in occasional waves. f) pain is gone because nerves are finished healing.

 

That is the case with every symptom in recovery.  They all come and go as a response to the nerves "turning back on " appropriately.  Try as hard as you can to love your body through that and speak patience to it - if possible. Allow it and welcome it. I think this helped me. Any bit of discomfort is an obligation that your body must proceed through in order to get to the next step in healing. Remember that it's not that the body is damaged - but that pain is being caused by the normal reupregulation process . And in time, that process will start to wane - and you will progress through the stages above.

 

I'm proud of you. You're hanging in there SO nicely.  Distracting and being with others is working for you. That's super.  Then do that. It sounds like you are comfortable being around others - and that you have a supportive wife.  :smitten:  I was more comfortable alone  So I did a lot of solitary activities and I still do - but in a way - these are things that I'm sorta glad also to have taken the time to do.

 

When the pain leaves and some of this starts to pass, you will see how very glad you are that you made this choice and stuck to it. I know that's hard to feel when you are hurting - and I relate to that 100% - but that is why asking for help on the forum is so smart - because sometimes you can only go on the promise that other people have come through this.  And that you will, too.  It seems that you are taking longer - but that is okay. There is no set timetable -but many are 2 years and into their third before starting to get relief.  That's not as typical - but it is normal.  It happens to enough people here that you should feel okay knowing that it's a normal pattern and that some healing is a longer healing. For instance - this was true of Matt Samet - the author of a recent benzo book . He was 3 years until he started feeling relief.  But he is fine now - and he has youtube videos, etc.  Just because it takes longer doesn't mean it's not a valuable journey or that it lasts forever. I can assure you - it does not.  But it takes what it takes. And for each of us that is different.

 

Please be encouraged  - you will not feel the same way the whole time - you will begin to notice real change soon - but it only comes in hindsight upon looking back - and in my experience  - for a long time, I could only look back 6 months - now it's changing and I'm starting to be able to look back to even 3 months and see improvement. But that was not the case for a long time - and for you - it will be different still. Our patterns and timelines are all as different as our haircolor, eye color, and size of our feet! But the trend is the same for all of us. HEALING. This is recovery - it takes what it takes - but it does happen.

 

Coop - just do what you can do to live through it. It will not last forever.  Just do one day at a time and make it through the day to the night.  That is a very valid way to deal with this - and that is what I did for a long time - and in some ways - when I am want to allow myself to think negatively - I just remember that it's one foot in front of the other.  The time WILL pass regardless.

 

The time WILL PASS regardless of what you do. You CAN live through it. You dont' WANT to - but you CAN.  And the time will pass and you will have made it. It will not kill you even though it is NOT fun.  And I get that. But all you must do is "outlast it". Anyway that you can - just last through the time. :) The calendar will take care of the rest. 

 

I'll leave you with this .Recently - a 60-year old swimmer broke the world's record for swimming from Cuba to Florida - it took her over 2 full days of swimming - more than 48 hours in the open seawater. She had failed the attempts for many decades before -b ut this time she made it - even thought it was one of the tougher weather situations she had ever encountered.  She describes here how much it just makes you think about giving up - but when she was swimming against the wind - she said a mantra to herself that kept her going this time...

 

"You don't like it. It's not doing well. Find a way." 

 

This strikes me as a mantra I can use during waves or like the ones I used to say to myself on the hardest days a year ago.

You don't like it.  It's not doing well. Find a way.

 

That's all we have to do.  Find a way to outlast the symptoms - day in and day out - and it is THE toughest thing you could ever ask a person to go through - but it will BEGIN TO LESSEN and then - and only then - will you feel confident in your own skin that this is going to go away.  In the meantime - you have to believe people like me - which is hard to do - but you just must believe and distract - just the way you are doing.  :smitten:

 

Here is her full article - it reminds me that WE ARE CAPABLE of surviving this. We truly are.  It is simply long and extremely uncomfortable. But it will not last forever, Coop. I promise you.

 

How long can you last?  There is no alternative. It is not enjoyable.  But you can last.  I know you can.  You made this decision for a reason and you have lasted this long already - and because you have last this long - 18 months - you will be rewarded much sooner than you think.  You have done it for 18 months. You are SO close to turning a corner and starting to feel a real change.  It won't get harder - only easier - and it has a likelihood of changing to be easier much sooner now that you HAVE lasted this long.  You will be normal again - so yes - hang on!

 

 

Much love,

Parker

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Parker,

 

Thank you so much for your wonderful post.  It was directed to coop but it spoke to me immensely.  I have not had a window or a corner yet so I really needed these words of encouragement.

 

Xoxoxo

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so sorry to hear you haven't had a window or corner Hoosier's! i think they are a little harder to come by the further out we are because deeper healing is taking place then when we were in acute we could feel the "relief" a little more when there was a reprieve.

 

i haven't had a real live window per se since April 11th of this year. but definite improvements.

 

Coop,

 

i also think your attention is focused merely in a tunnel vision type way (probably from w/d) to stacking up the evidence of not healing. if you're going to only look for the fact that we heal on this one little forum--you probably won't find it. i've looked outside of here and talk to many people through regular email more so than on here now.

 

i'm feeling a little like you lately as i am coming up on a few years in this routine. i also find that when i'm doing another activity --other than focusing on benzo w/d or anything that has to do with benzo's--i feel more window's so to speak. it's an unbelievable process that could make anyone feel like this will go on forever. it's seems in little tiny increments of healing. but i do think i am healing every single day! i can feel that now.

 

i also have come to the point that all my symptoms are merely an illusion. they aren't real to me anymore. they are just symptoms because of a brain that's trying to come back into homeostasis and they just are not real to me. they are a f'king annoyance more than anything :tickedoff:

 

i've been in an amazing mood for a long time now. not once have i had suicidal ideation or feelings of not wanting to go on and that was happening a lot before. and i do find that it's all about what we put our attention on, what we focus on that we come true in our own personal reality. i am seriously challenging everything that has been my reality to be something else. it's also seriously tricking the brain, like self hypnosis. and the condition our brain is in, so vulnerable, so raw--it's the perfect time to trick it.

 

look elsewhere for awhile for the healing and not just on here. this is just one very small piece of the pie.

 

maybe stay away from all forums, facebook, computer's.emails and read 'Ask and it's Given" by Abraham--the reason i chose that book right now because the energy of this thread seems to be about what we put our attention and focus on and it goes into depth about the law of attraction in that book by author Esther Hicks--it's a really wonderful book.

 

pretty

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  • 2 months later...

Coop,

I am finally getting better now at 22months & am almost starting to live a normal life again.

Its unbelieveable.

I read your posts throught my times of greatest suffering, & appreciated that you never

held your punches, & were always honest about how bad it was for you.

Your posts described how awful I felt these last years.

Thought I was losing my mind, body & soul.

I was lucky enough to have a partener who believed in my basic sanity & who was willing

to see me through this unbelieveable nightmare.

Unfortunately, he now has his own health problems- but at least I can be there for him.

Not able to be on here much right now,

but wanted to send this message to you.

Recovery happens- even to those who think there is no hope.

 

margaretisabel

 

 

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