My thoughts are driving me crazy, help!

I am holding my head and pulling my hair.......I cannot get away from myself and my thoughts......I feel like my thoughts are stuck in a sick brain that will never get well and there is no escape from them... ever.... at all. The obsessive irrational thoughts do not stop...."why didn't my older kids go to college when so and so's did.....why can't I stop picking my nails.......how was I ever at peace before drugs, where is that person, does she exist?...how did I ever do yoga...what would I do if my husband died today......I could go on forever. All insecurity, self condemnation, obsessing about any little crazy thing that decides to drop in my mind.

 

I know distract, distract....but they are still lingering all the time MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I AM CRAZY, LIKE THIS IS THE NEW ME. that is my greatest concern that the thoughts will not leave when I heal, that I will not have a peaceful mind. I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEM!

 

I know this has been talked to death but I need constant encouragement. I really feel I am crazy. How can a drug control every aspect of not only my physical but all thinking processes? I don't know where to go or what to do to get away from this torment.

 

I completely know what you are talking about. I have had the same things. Bad memories in my mind going around and around. What if this, what if that. It seems like a never ending loop at times.

The what if's are the worst... They are what keep me from feeling like I am healing.  I wish I could turn them off.  What I end up doing is distracting myself any way I can.  Music, TV, White Noise, Driving (may not be appropriate for all), taking a shower... It is all I can do to stop the "What if's"

I know how you feel and I have been feeling the same way for about a month.  When ever I think of one particular thing I get butterflies in my stomach and what seems like a rush of adrenalin through my body, its a horrible feeling.  Has yours been like that since you jumped off or did it just recently happen?

Your brain sounds like it needs to be distracted. Go for a walk with an iPod playing. Take along a plastic bag from the grocery store and pick up aluminum cans and recycle them. That's what I do to make my morning walks a bit more stimulating. If I just walk, the thoughts intrude -- but with the music and watching for aluminum cans, I don't really have time for my brain to think.

 

You are right about DISTRACTION. Another thing I am picking up on is that you are fighting the thoughts and that in turn causes you great emotional distress. The thing I found that helps me the most is to NOT fight anything. Just accept it as part of the healing process and let it wash over you. In time, it'll fade. The energy you put into trying to control something just amps up your anxiety level. Just chill and accept that what is, is!

 

Hang in there. You're doing good and have just hit a rough spot. You're at what, about 5 months off? It seems as if a lot of people have a rough time of it at 4-5 months and then turn a big-time corner at about six months. Hang on! This WILL pass...

Through all of this I can not understand how people (and my therapist) say to just accept it.. or "go with the panic/anxiety and don't fight it" 

 

I absolutely can not just go with it.  I did it once.  It was just as hard I think as fighting it.  It is mentally and physically exhausting.  The best way I have found to deal is distraction.

 

 

It is really scary the first time to just let it wash over you. I got in bed and just lay there and let it wash over me. It was pretty overwhelming emotionally but I stuck it out and once it had washed over me and began to recede, I realized that I had the power over it and that when I do get hit with those thoughts or emotions, that I can just let them run rampant and I will survive and emerge stronger.

 

Distraction is OK, but it's just avoiding the inevitable. Facing oneself is the beginning of finding freedom from benzos.

Hopeful,

 

I'm so sorry - I too go through that. I hate this as much as the next person. Lastnight I listened to and tried inner smiling meditation. It is suppose to help all our organs heal faster, the CNS as well and calm our brain.

 

I have forcing myself to smile on and off today. When I do smile, my head doesn't feel so heavy. But when I stop, it comes right back. Lately the song looping is happening again and I can't turn it off!

 

I managed to work out today and still feel like crap. I still have a long way to go before I jump and then what? A year or two of w/d still? I've been sick for almost a year now and I'm so tired of it. I want me back too.

 

Wish I could hug you.

 

BT

hopeful

i feel same way

i dont know what the answer is. i try and play online games but i need to face things, too.

its hard. But my thoughts are very negative, too

My worst symptom of withdrawal too!  Only because I have been through so many cycles do i know it gets better, but when it is happening it feels as if it will never shut off.  There is truth in facing them.  You can't will them to go away.  Focusing on making it go away is still thinking about the thought and tells your system "hey this must be a valid worry since we are trying not to think about it".  if anyone finds a cure, let me know!!!

That is kind of how I feel... Thinking about it makes it worse.  It gives these feelings life.  It makes them real problems and my body thinks something is wrong.  I specifically have very physical manifestations of withdrawal which can not be ignored.  I have extreme hypersensitivity to everything.  Lights at work seem too bright, when the sun is setting the dimming / changing light outside makes my head go bonkers.  I have horrible GERD now which has caused hypoglycemia of sorts.  This is also part of the hypersensitivity.  The off balance feeling has cause my muscles to contract in weird ways and causes hearing problems and fatigued muscles when trying to subconsciously regain balance. 

 

So no, I do not avoid it.  I choose or TRY to choose to not let it consume me.  I choose to do something else and make these feelings less important and as un-real as possible.  I have to.  I am a breadwinner, I am a father,  I am a husband, I am a respected peer and professional. 

Mrance, These thoughts have been around in tolerance and taper to a degree but not as often and all consuming as now. The mental symptoms have been severe since I jumped and worse in months 3,4 and now 5. I just cant seem to get a break. I have heard lots of people say they get breaks around now and into month 6, I sure hope it's true, I really really need a break!

 

I will try going with the thoughts and not letting them freak me out, thank you to everyone for your heart felt responses.

Hopeful we are about the same time off and seriously right now my worst sx is my thoughts.  Exactly how you described.  I find that it doesn't really matter what the thoughts are about its just how they sort of feel.  Always so draining and ANNOYING!  Is it like that for you?

Hey Meth,  yes, the thought are extremely draining and all consuming. I have to focus on distracting A LOT to keep my mind off them. I can't say its my worst symtom though. The mental symptoms over all are awful and have greatly increased the last few months. I have severe brain fog, DR, anxiety and depression in addition to the obsessive thoughts.

 

I am definetely in acute, I never knew my mind could be this twisted. What other symptoms  are you having?

Hey Meth,  yes, the thought are extremely draining and all consuming. I have to focus on distracting A LOT to keep my mind off them. I can't say its my worst symtom though. The mental symptoms over all are awful and have greatly increased the last few months. I have severe brain fog, DR, anxiety and depression in addition to the obsessive thoughts.

 

I am definetely in acute, I never knew my mind could be this twisted. What other symptoms  are you having?

 

I have all of those sx as well.  The depression, dp/dr, brain fog, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, complete exhaustion, and on and on.  I think we gotta a lot of the same things going on right now so I feel for you greatly.  Well hang in there.  I keep looking out for your post to see how your holding up.

You are not alone...at the moment I'm thinking why in the hell I married my husband , why I haven't gotten a divorce and why are my kids so selfish, why I cant win the lottery,  :tickedoff:why didn't I tore the damm scripts for meds and so on.

Right now I'm watching country videos, 4 years ago I couldn't stand country music, go figure. I love it now.

I'm going to a casino tonight to get some distraction and I will regretted in the morning. Kind of funny when isn't it!!!

Sounds like we are having the same state Hopeful. Three words I keep repeating are as follows:

 

Concentration

Lovingkindness

Peace

 

I just keep repeating over and over again. It helps...

 

Hugs!

I have had the obsessive irrational thoughts acutely for a while now (almost 2 years). They seemed to have gotten worse while I was on klonopin and severely worse after being off of the benzo. When I can focus, which is difficult, I have a few points of encouragement.

 

1. From Eckhart Tolle - Watch the thinker. This means to watch the thoughts that come into your head impartially without judgment or condemnation. Watch them as they pop up..so to speak.  (This is incredibly difficult for me since they are firing off almost 24/7 continuously, but every now and then I can do it.)

2. Again from Eckhart Tolle (And other teachings) - Feel the Inner Body.  This means to feel the body from within.  For example start off by closing your eyes and asking, "How do I know if my right hand is still there?" You will have to internally look for it.  You should feel a tingling sensation and then you can spread that sensation to your feet, both hands, legs, and actually feel the inner body as 1 point of energy.  When I have been able to do it I have some powerful insights and an extraordinary amount of peace. 

3. For me. I have some really good points about myself, but ultimately I do NOT want to return to who I was even before opiate addiction or before taking benzos.  I do not want my old life back. I know it is possible to re-invent yourself.  I feel as though if I am agitated, fearful, depressed, paranoid, upset, etc. etc. in any way then I am cut off from my true power and thereby almost incapable of making a positive decision.  I don't want to do things to be the best anymore, I want to do things to get better.