Black depression one month off

Hi guys,

            After one month off the valium my depression and dysphoria is worse than ever. I dream of ending it constantly though I wouldn't. I have a wife and child. All is bleak and I've lost interest in even things I used to love. I'm so flat and everything seems hard and pointless. Even typing this is an effort and negative thoughts constantly afront me. I was always a depressive type of person but never to this extent. Exercise once alleviated my depression but now it has no effect whatsoever. Even after walking 2 hours I feel no relief. I've totally lost my appetite and the only thing I can do is sleep. Strangely I haven't been affected by insomnia during wd and I sleep most of the time. I dread the waking hours. I feel like I'm in hell though objectively things aren't too bad. I haven't the motivation to even do things that might help like see a counsellor. All is futile.

 

I can't continue like this I'm a househusband to my son and he deserves better. I can barely muster the will to get off the couch. I wasn't like this on valium. I thought I was doing the right thing by stopping it. My Dr is throwing scripts for antidepressants at me but I've resisted so far.

 

I know people say its early days but there's no guarantee this depression will ever lift. Posts from buddies stil miserable two years out don't inspire me. Its no way to live. Then again, it might not even be benzo wd. Maybe my depressive illness has just worsened.

 

Can anyone relate or give any advice? Should I try an AD like buproprion to snap me out of this?

ADs will cause even greater numbness. Let yourself heal. Let this pass. I was on ADs for 22 years and had no emotions. That is not the answer. Better to exercise and do Mindful Meditation - both powerful against depression and repairing your brain at the physiological level (research proven). You are quite right in refusing the AD scripts. You have good instincts.  Obsid.

Thanks Obsid,

 

                      But what if it doesn't pass? Exercise and meditation brings me no relief and I can't go on like this. I'm no good to anyone like this and might actually act on my impulses if this goes on indefinately. Antidepressants do work for some people who are totally disabled without them.

 

At what point would you consider AD's or even reinstating? There's really no point in going on like this indefinately, barely able to get off the couch, to hold the moral highground of being drug free.

 

That is like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Is this depression your only symptom right now?  Do you ever getr anxiety or any physical symptoms?  Because seems like so many get hit with multiple symptoms.  I'm still not off yet so just curious.  I am not typically depressed but I have been sort of for letting myself get into this predicament because I also have people depending on me and I let them down.

 

Hope things get better for you.  I have no opinion on ADs because I am sort of frightened of them at this point but if they don't work I don't believe they are anywhere near as hard to get off as benzo drugs.  Maybe a little tough at this stage.

I get anxiety that comes and goes and some physical symptoms. However the depression and utter hoplessness is by far the worst. Every waking moment is mental anguish and I feel no pleasure at all.

 

My Dr thinks I've always been depressed and need AD's. In the past I had depressive tendencies but nothing like this. I tried to treat my depression with valium which was misguided. After getting off the valium however the depression is far worse with no sign of abating.

 

Sorry to be gloomy but stopping benzo's doesn't make you feel better necessarily. Some people get worse. Its a cruel joke.

I think you said you were taking tylenol 3 on another thread. Here are some of the side effects from the website drugs.com

 

Nervous system

 

Nervous system side effects of codeine have included mental and respiratory depression, stupor, delirium, somnolence, and dysphoria. An increased risk of falls and hip fractures has been associated with codeine therapy, particularly in the elderly.

 

It is recommend that a taper be done off this drug as well, instead of going c/t.

 

As for the depression you have and have had in the past, I know it all too well. Now that I am in benzo withdrawal it has gotten even worse. I have no desire to live. Don't want to do anything. Having dealt with depression since childhood I thought I really knew what it was until the day I woke up and had zero desire to live or get out of bed. I was in tolerance withdrawal then, and during my taper I have had those feelings more and more. I'm now benzo-free but the feeling hasn't left me yet nor have the physical side sx. I know I just have to wait it out. I tell myself that I will be better a year from now. We'll see. I don't know exactly what is causing your depression but most likely I would think it is withdrawal from benzos. As I think you already know, A/D's can worsen depression and they are 'addictive' in the sense that many people go through withdrawal from them too. A friend of mine who has been on A/D's for years has been holed up in her room for three months now. Can't work and refuses to communicate with anyone. The drugs have either 'stopped working' or she is in tolerance withdrawal. When a doctor prescribes A/D's they just guess as to which one might help you. They don't know what's going on in your brain and it's a crap shoot. Studies have shown that regular exercise works just as well as A/Ds. I understand that it isn't working for you right now but it's good to continue with it anyway. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better for you. Benzos pick our weaknesses and amplify them, so I'm not surprised that for me anxiety and depression and lethargy have gotten even worse. I took benzos for a medical condition and that was a huge mistake that i wish i could go back and change. Please get some on the ground support. You need it. I don't know what's going on right now but over the past few days a number of our buddies have been feeling absolutely desperate. You are not alone.

Thanks Obsid,

 

                      But what if it doesn't pass? Exercise and meditation brings me no relief and I can't go on like this. I'm no good to anyone like this and might actually act on my impulses if this goes on indefinately. Antidepressants do work for some people who are totally disabled without them.

 

At what point would you consider AD's or even reinstating? There's really no point in going on like this indefinately, barely able to get off the couch, to hold the moral highground of being drug free.

 

That is like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

Sounds like you are still in acute w/d phase. You might be best served giving this a few more months and see what kind of progress is made.

 

Did you stop valium "to hold the moral highground of being drug free"? If so I guess this is not something to suffer through just for that reason. Most of us here stop benzos because they make us feel like sh*t and are causing all kinds of weird, uncomfortable and dangerous changes to our mind and body. I stopped because I was having memory issues, struggling to remember the names of my nieces and nephews or my own kids middle names. Waking up all night in sweats. Do you have any better reasons for quitting valium? I hope you are able to continue without benzos and see if the depression lifts and you begin to see some light. Best wishes to you, I hope you are feeling better soon! 

Thanks frus333,

                          It was me on the other thread regarding the tylenol 3's but I wasn't taking enough of them regularly enough to contribute to my depression. In fact they were the only things that gave me temporary respite. People with chronic pain often take such drugs for years and don't develop depression. It must be the benzo wd.

 

Your sentiments really echo mine. I don't want to go on AD's as I realise their efficacy is unclear and its pseudo science at best. However they do work for some people. My sister is on them and has a full and satisfying life. Without them she may not be able to leave her room. I guess we're in a similar predicament at present. I appreciate your support. This depression and maliase includes a large component of existential angst which I constantly ruminate about. This life is torture, then we're dead forever so whats the point in prolonging the inevitable....Having some kind of faith would certainly help but I don't. Too apathetic to care enough to believe in anything.

 

Benzo's not only magnify one's weakness', they take away all of your virtues as well. What worries me is that the changes are permanent. How long should we wait before considering other options like AD's?

 

As I mentioned its all well and good to live drug free and avoid all intoxicating substances but whats the point if your living in abject misery? We may as well be on them. I'm stunned by the fact that I feel worse or the same after exercise.

ADs will cause even greater numbness. Let yourself heal. Let this pass. I was on ADs for 22 years and had no emotions. That is not the answer. Better to exercise and do Mindful Meditation - both powerful against depression and repairing your brain at the physiological level (research proven). You are quite right in refusing the AD scripts. You have good instincts.  Obsid.

 

He said exercise doesn't even work for him. I doubt meditation will work too.

 

To original poster, if you find antidepressants do help the depression for you, by all means, do it. I would have kept taking AD's, but they were making symptoms worse and I could not tolerate them anymore. If they work, don't let some moral issue (i.e. "but it's just masking the real me!, it's numbing my actual emotions, etc etc) hold you back.

Innadaze,

 

                It was partly that reason. My Dr kept telling me that valium is 'my poison' even though I still felt fine. I was worried about the long term effects and particularly cognitive degeneration and later dementia. I felt ok while on them except for occasional intense anxiety which came from nowhere. Ironically I didn't notice any cognitive decline while on benzo's but I sure do now without them. How can this be?

It must make coming off benzos more difficult and confusing if you felt pretty good still while on them. In time odds are you would have run into some problem and getting off could have been even more challenging 10,20,30 years later. Totally can see where your frustration is coming from. You must have faith that things will brighten up and get a little more bearable in the coming months. So many other folks have been where we are and come out the other side so happy and full of life. It's so hard but let's try to do this only once in our lives!

Exactly. I'm actually nostalgic for the time I was on benzo's and tramadol because I felt so much better then. I hate the phyical symptoms but the depression is what is ruining me. The fact that exercise doesn't help me is downright scary.

 

Thinking of trying St Johns wort instead of an AD. Desperate for some relief.

I wish I could help with the depression issue but that was never a problem for me before benzos or now in benzo w/d.

 

I did feel crushing, uncontrollable crying depression for a few months last year when one of the pdoc thought I was borderline bipolar and had me trying lithium and lamictal. That was chemically induced and went away after I stopped taking that crap (cold turkey again). These docs are trying to damn near kill us with some of this stuff.

 

Many here have found that after 2-3 months things slowly improve. I found 3-4 months was when certain symptoms eased up in intensity. It could easily happen with your depression. Try to push forward as much as you can, take care!

I don't know if you have read the What is Happening in Your Brain thread but when I read it boy did it ever help me. It explained what I am going through and why. I suggest you read it if you haven't. I understand wanting to get relief, I really do. I am allergic to A/D's so I can't take them even if I wanted to and thanks to clonazepam I am now allergic to almost all meds and supplements. I suffered through 18 years of severe CFS, just to get to benzo withdrawal! If I told you anymore of my story it would just depress you further so I'll refrain from that. All the best.

A former Australian Prime Minister called Malcolm Fraser summed it all up; 'Life was not meant to be easy'.

 

Never were truer words spoken.

Gussy,

 

i hope you're feeling better since you wrote this. i just wanted to share that when i was trying to diligently taper from the valium after i had finally made my cross over from klonopin. and i got down to the lowest dose i'd ever been--i couldn't believe the difference, the depression and malaise. i couldn't move from my chair for a month. i know what it feels like--and i couldn't handle it back then because i didn't understand what was happening to me. so then i started to up my dose and i just couldn't believe the difference--i could get up and do things again and i could 'talk' myself down from the suicidal place i was in.

 

you have to gives this a little more time. you don't want to miss out on the day it finally lifts. it will be such a difference. this is all withdrawal! you probably don't need a AD and if you do i would give that a good 6 months. i know that sounds like a long time. this is the ultimate brain injury that just needs time to repair. if you take anything right now like st. john's wort it could mess things up because you are so newly out. and you could be having some residual affects from the codiene. that stuff can really cause depression after you stop using it. i hope you can hold on strong for a little longer--because soon the veil will lift and you will wonder how it was ever there.

Thanks prettydaisys for your pertinent advice.

 

Usually I feel totally suicidal in the morning and improve slightly as the day goes on but never feel good. The biggest problem is the malaise, dark, negative thoughts and lack of motivation. If it was just me its one thing but my wife and baby deserve better. I'm not really present for them and its all I can do to take care of my son while my wife goes to work. I'm only 37 yet my self esteem is so low that I can't see myself ever working again. I will give it more time but when do I pull the pin and reinstate? I can't go on like this indefinately. You said you improved once you reinstated. Should I do the same?

 

How do we know the veil will lift? What if it doesn't?

 

 

Thanks prettydaisys for your pertinent advice.

 

Usually I feel totally suicidal in the morning and improve slightly as the day goes on but never feel good. The biggest problem is the malaise, dark, negative thoughts and lack of motivation. If it was just me its one thing but my wife and baby deserve better. I'm not really present for them and its all I can do to take care of my son while my wife goes to work. I'm only 37 yet my self esteem is so low that I can't see myself ever working again. I will give it more time but when do I pull the pin and reinstate? I can't go on like this indefinately. You said you improved once you reinstated. Should I do the same?

 

How do we know the veil will lift? What if it doesn't?

 

Gussy,

 

it definitely will lift as the brain heals. yes i did go back up and then i went down again and continued you like that for far too long which i believe has resulted in a kindling effect. you've got to try to communicate as best you can with your family that this is temporary. try to accept all the s/x such as lack of motivation, malaise dark negative thoughts as nothing permanent and try to not judge them when they do come up. it's not who you are or how you're going to live forever. keep telling yourself 'it's temporary'...

 

do you have any kind of fantasy you can engage in while you're lying there on the couch? anything that can make you feel better? anything that can just lift your vibration up just a little? just a thought that can help you to vibrate differently? i know it's hard and sometimes you just have to let go and allow the Universe to do it for you. fortunately for me i don't stay in that dark place too long anymore. i can bring myself out of it pretty quick except the times when it's truly hormonal and i know i can't do anything--those times i have to really hold on. sometimes i do want to end it but i know deep inside of me that i'm still having symptoms of withdrawal and it's not me and i will be able to create a better life when my brain is more balanced.

 

give it some more time and try to eat good nutritious foods that feed the brain such as bone broth soups and good veggies, organic meats. and just knowing that all that lack of motivation will one day change. i'm still waiting for some d/r d/p and all the s/x you described to shift. and it's been 16 months since the c/t. these pills are so strong and this w/d is so severe. it's just going to take more time. most times i don't like reading the word 'distract' on here but there are times when doing things that are distracting is probably very healing. you are just like doing something else whether it's creative or not--while the source energy is taking care of you and changing things while you're doing something off. that's why i have this one really great fantasy and in the fantasy i will go to this one person and one by one give him all my problems and see everything he does for them. sometimes i have to give it over and over. but in a sense it's like i'm giving the Universe every single little problem to please take care of for me while i lay here and heal.

 

hang on! you will feel better one day. i hope it's soon--but i know you will!~

pretty

I thought I'd chime in and let you know that I'm going through the exact same thing.

 

I jumped May 27th, so I've been free of the D a bit longer than you.  However, I noticed that after about 6 or 7 weeks, a very dark depression arose including suicidal ideation.  It's completely irrational.  I was having a BBQ with some friends a few weeks back, and I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.  Like you, I'm not really worried that I'll do it, firstly, because I've never felt like this before so I tell myself its temporary, and secondly, because I have too many people who love me and need me to take that road.  However, if I start thinking this will never end I go to a dark place.  But, because I have seen some improvement over the past 3 months, I do think it will end.  So I just gotta keep moving on.

 

The doctor also tried to prescribe me some other medications.  I thought long and hard after all the withdrawal symptoms, but after careful consideration I decided that I was going to wait at least 6 months, probably a year before I try anything else.  I just can't put more shit in my body right now.  I need to try and find an equilibrium.

 

One of the hardest things for me, is also the emotional flatness and lack of joy.  I used to be full of life.  I made people laugh, they wanted to be around me, and now... I'm completely void of any personality.  I don't even want to be around myself.  Also, when I do things that should be enjoyable, there is nothing.  I can't seem to get really excited or enjoy anything.  I go to events that are supposed to be fun, and everyone is having a good time, but I just look around and basically do my best to act like I am - but inside I'm not.  This is a REALLY hard aspect of withdrawal, and I think this and lack of proper sleep pushes us into depression.

 

I've never felt like this before at all.  Yeah, I've had the blues from time to time, even thought I had SAD (Usually get the blues in Oct/Nov), however, its nothing like this.  So from my perspective, my emotional flatness and lack of joy/excitement is due to the withdrawal.

 

I'm 2+ months out and I'm still experiencing this.  So its not surprising to me that you are too.

 

I've come to accept that even for low dose people, withdrawal symptoms are probably expected from 6 to 12 months. 

 

You are doing amazing even being off of a month.  Keep up the great work and resolve.  I know its tempting to reinstate to get back to "normal", however, life on benzos is far from normal.  This is what got us into this jam in the first place.  If we reinstate we just wasted all the hundreds of hours of painful recovery we've been going through.  We gotta push forward and not look backward.

I think u r doing well! Don't give up now. hugs to u

Chaz,

 

I feel like you do at times with the depression and flatness.  I was on and off Ativan for a number of years.  Always c/T it but always had  these issues while on the stuff.  Once off, the first week or two were miserable, high anxiety, depression and insomnia.  I have been off a month now and go through times were sleep is a problem and days were I feel depressed.  Good news, it doesn't last.  Some days are better than others.  I guess that is the normal window and waves we all experience.  I certainly would avoid getting on a/d because of how we feel now.  I just don't think they will provide the answers were looking for.  Just realize these are normal feelings for us at this time and that they should resolve as time goes by.  I also think that we will always have to deal with some of these issues down the road.  Part of life.