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6 months drug free...still struggling...rescue me, please...


[Ja...]

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Hi all -

 

I haven't posted for a very long time. I log on from time to time and read but that's about it. I wish I could say I'm better...but I'm not. I'm posting to get some encouragement that THIS nightmare truly will end. I want to make it but discouraged that things are more intense lately. Makes me sad and afraid. Please read on and feel free to write me back to give me hope. I'm scared that my situation will leave me damaged or that I can't endure the torture of these days.

 

I'm fishing for some tips and encouragement. I've been 6 months drug free. Amazed I've made it this far but still not good at all. I think the last 7 weeks have been worse than the first 4 and 1/2 months. My worse symptoms are: constant adrenaline. Like elephants are sitting on my chest, and often feels like I'm just living in a state of panic all the time. It's obviously uncomfortable and of couse effects my thinking because this state brings on the fear of "always feeling like this, fear of not getting better, fear I won't be able to handle stress ever, fear of enduring the day..they are excrutiating and so hard." My other terrible symptom is a deep inner sick feeling in the gut. Like a severe nervous stomach. It's like nausea but more related to the adrenaline as opposed to being from something I ate. I've been having dry heaves again and haven't had this since the 2nd month off. The 3rd thing is sleep and complete aggitation. Can't relax, no peace. And at night I get the hot limbs, tingling arms and legs and the thoughts invade about NOT being able to endure this torture day and night. It's so minute by minute these days. This is scary. When will the days get a notch better so at least I'm not living the symptoms to this degree. And, to where they are on the manageable side? Right now the walls of my world just keep closing in on me. Able to do less and less, even though my mind wants to get on with things (the body will have nothing to do with it). Just motion sets my body into a rush of adrenaline even higher or a worse sick feeling in the gut. I feel like I can't MOVE or things rev up...and yet...unable to relax the day away (body is too aggitated and sick). I have other symptoms too that come and go, shortness of breath (strained to talk), extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, head pressure (come and go), and other odd sensations that are Benzo type.

 

Overall, I'm scared of the symptoms because at their worst they are SEVERE and violent and it doesn't seem survivable. But - I want to survive. I want to make it through this and get my life back.

 

I'm keeping my diet very mild and very much the same. Not introducing new things at all. I had been drinking soy milk, but stopped that 7 weeks ago and that's when I feel symptoms took a turn for the worse. However, I don't want to continue drinking soy because it brought it's own side effects. I just think my body reacted to stopping something so abruptly (at least that's what I think...and I'm hoping it will settle down again if that is the case). I do mild walks (short) and don't push anything for fear of causing a rebound reaction a day later. I've had teeny tiny windows where there is some relief but they are few and far between. The bad is here 99% of the time and it's intense.

 

Looking for those who have walked this path (many of you, huh?!!?) and would like to hear that you got through some wicked withdrawal symptoms for months on end but are now benefiting from toughing it out. That you now (even if not symptom free) have a life again, have some peace again and don't live in fear 24/7. My history is that of very short benzo use but I was switched from one drug to another (trusting the doctors - stupid) and they all did a number on me. Everything was done wrong (I had no clue then). I know I have no other choice but to keep moving forward and remain drug free. I'm not tempted to reinstate or take anything to relieve the pain. But, I'm desperate for the pain to stop or at the very least get some better. And, I'm desperate to know that no matter what I can live through this torture and regain my life with my husband and dog. My husband is so supportive and I want to be well for not just me, but for him.

 

So - to anyone willing to bring me hope...please write! Thank you and I wish everyone continued healing until this is a distant memory in your mind.

 

Jane

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Hi Jane,

 

I'm sorry you are still suffering so but I am here to give you hope!!  I've been off 9 months today and I'm feeling really, really good.  Not 100% healed but I know where you are and what you have to look forward to.  At 6 months off I thought I would never get better but you just have to hang in there and know that it will happen for you.

 

I have to run now but I saw your thread and wanted to respond.  I posted a little note on my blog this morning that you should read.  It's in Buddie Space in Tropicalsoul's blog. 

 

Hang in there, it will get much, much better.  Don't give in to this monster.  You're tougher than that. :smitten:

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Hello, Jane.

 

I just stopped my benzo on Saturday so have no personal experiences to share.  However, Colin created a Success Stories board and altough we only have a handful of stories so far, several of them are exactly what you are looking for.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=89.0

 

BTW, is it safe to assume that you've been checked out by a physician, particularly for the adrenaline surges?  While that is certainly a documented side effect of benzo withdrawal it can be caused by other things as well. 

 

Tie a knot and hang on, Jane.  It sounds like you are doing everything right and should start getting longer windows soon.

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Jane, I dont know if this will help but I received this from Dr Ashton about a year and a half ago. I realize the letter doesn't address the problems your having but it does tell you that in time you can and will recover from this.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Dave

 

Dear Dave,

 

    Thank you for your e-mail.  You have done a very good job with your withdrawal including a crossover to Valium and a slow taper. However, as you will see from the "Manual" (Chapter 3, Table 3), poor memory and cognition, which I presume you mean by "cog fog", is a recognized protracted symptom which may persist for a year or more but, like other protracted symptoms, usually recovers slowly over months.  Most studies have not continued for longer than 6 months, but have shown that improvement in cognitive faculties is still continuing at this time.  In this context, 31 days is not very long and possibly too early to expect complete resolution of symptoms.  I am sure you can look forward to continued improvement in your "cog fog" and any other symptoms in the future.  I am not aware of anything that helps apart from a healthy diet, moderate exercise, self belief and lack of worry that your symptoms will never go away.

 

With best wishes,

C.H. Ashton

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Thank you for your e-mail.  You have done a very good job with your withdrawal including a crossover to Valium and a slow taper. However, as you will see from the "Manual" (Chapter 3, Table 3), poor memory and cognition, which I presume you mean by "cog fog", is a recognized protracted symptom which may persist for a year or more but, like other protracted symptoms, usually recovers slowly over months.  Most studies have not continued for longer than 6 months, but have shown that improvement in cognitive faculties is still continuing at this time.  In this context, 31 days is not very long and possibly too early to expect complete resolution of symptoms.  I am sure you can look forward to continued improvement in your "cog fog" and any other symptoms in the future.  I am not aware of anything that helps apart from a healthy diet, moderate exercise, self belief and lack of worry that your symptoms will never go away.

 

With best wishes,

C.H. Ashton[/b]

 

Thanks so much for sharing Dr. Ashton's message to you.  It reinforces what others have been saying to those who think they will never recover.  :)

 

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Hi

I want to echo Beepers advice to make sure something else isn't going on with your health, I personnaly suffered for months from an infection and put it off to benzo withdrawals so make sure nothing else is going on.

Take care

Bobers

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  • 2 months later...

Jane, I can definitely relate. I am going to post my story on the blog when I have some time.

I have been benzo free for a bit short of 2 months--off of daily 5mg klonopin for 2 years. I have the feelings of chest heaviness that you describe, adrenaline rushes, a feeling of being wired ( like I drank a gallon of caffeine) and anxiety. Also, there are times when I have perceptional oddities like I am about to erupt into an LSD trip. Scary. Also bouts with insomnia and feeling hot then cold....Weird stuff isn't it?

 

Some days are very good, but the last couple of weeks have been challenging, as my withdrawal was a piece of cake!. I also started taking St Johns Wort, which I think perhaps  escalated my symptoms. I took that for 12 days, but stopped, and today I started to limit my coffee and diet soda ( caffeine)

 

I am going back to the psychiatrist on Tuesday, and like many have suggested did go to my primary who tested me for thyroid, diabetes, and testosterone ( not your problem)  :) I am waiting for the results.

I think that fear that I am going insane is the worst because I never really had that even before the benzo dance. 

 

Hang in there!

 

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