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thinking and feeling


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This is sort of general post, to just allow for me to get some stuff out there- things that I’ve been thinking about, ruminating on, and torturing myself with.

 

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of regret about ever having started taking anxiety medicine, way back in high school (about 6 years ago).  These past  years have been mostly lived through a kind of medicated cloud, and I’m starting to wonder what life would have been like without the drugs. I wonder how I would be able to relate back to those three years of which every single day I was on klonipin… would I  be able to remember specifics better? I’ve never had a good memory, but lately I feel its been particularly bad, and I wonder if I have permanently damaged it!

 

I feel stupid for having taken drugs for so long, but I also feel angry that I was prescribed klonipin for so long, and lorazapam and valium on top of it at different points. It now seems so important to try to be drug free. Memory is a precious thing, and you don’t realize it until you feel that it might be slightly compromised.

 

How do all of you deal with these thoughts? I worry so much about what extended use of klonopin has done to me, and whether it is just a matter of time before I start to see it play out.

 

On another note, my anxiety is bad right now. Really bad. For the first time, I’ve been struggling with insomnia, which is something that I used to think of as no big deal. I am trying to figure out ways to deal with the anxiety, but sometimes it just feels like a battle. I’ve been living in New Orleans for about 2 months, and plan to stay until the end of the summer, but lately Ive been seriously considering going back home, and staying with my parents for a bit. It may be a more supportive environment. At the same time, I know that there are things about this place I love and want to experience them completely.

 

I wish that anxiety wasn’t something that I had to deal with constantly, but it seems to be a very big part of my character.

 

I just don’t want to feel out of control anymore. 

 

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