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I never had depression before benzos and didn't really experience it until last year on Labor Day weekend when I tried a small crossover start to valium. It may just be coincidence, but since then have had insomnia and I think maybe this has led to depression although I could make a list of 100 good reasons for feeling depressed. But I can't hack this and yet I don't like drugs and so I am wondering if anyone ever had a positive experience with ECT? I know it sounds awful but just read a book excerpt written by Kitty Dukakis and she claimed it saved her life and isn't as bad as you think and at least there are no drug/chemical reactions.

 

Any thoughts? I have been exercising, can't think of anything else to change really since I dislike doctors and would go to them as last resort, The only other thing could be thyroid and getting that checked...but not sure if a person can feel depressed from thyroid. Unless the insomnia is causing depression which I 've heard, but I've been experiencing insomnia for over a year or so. And seeing friends or getting out and doing things, sometimes it makes me feel worse or else as soon as I'm home after a long day of distractions I feel terrible, I've had a lot of loss---and so that could be at the root of things but it almost doesn't matter because I have talked to friends and family and a counselor about loss and there isn't anything someone else can do or say. And some of the loss is due to these benzos---I really truly feel I have been asleep for about a decade and just waking up and finding out how much I missed. So I don't want to miss more from depression or I could be even more depressed (if that's possible.)

 

I don't feel suicidal and think my Catholicism would prevent from ever doing anything even if I did. But this is unbearable and I've given it time and it doesn't pass, it gets worse. After the first episode last Labor Day, I bounced back but it's more like I have been sliding down. I saw my pdoc last week and told him I never wanted to wake up in the morning so he wrote out my prescription and said "See you in six months, don't give up hope." I ave also told this man I'm addicted to ativan etc. and he says, "Ridiculous! You're not the type. My point I guess is that he doesn't care, which I don't blame him for since he's old and has a ton of patients, and all he would do anyway is write a prescription.

 

Anyone who's had ECT--would you recommend it?

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Hi Glori,

 

I'm really sorry you are going thru this. I do understand though. Not many things more painful than depression.

 

The thing about ECT is it is usually used as a last resort. At least it used to be. It's really not as horrible as it is made out in the media. It is also much more gentle than it used to be. It is given under general anesthesia.

 

Tony has had ECT, and i"m sure he would be happy to share with you. I'll pm him.

 

You don't have a sig line. Are you on an AD? Are you still on benzo?  If so, it's probably the benzo keeping you depressed.

 

Linda

 

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I had ECT and it didn't help because the underlying problem wasn't depression but benzo withdrawals. It's also a barbaric, medieval idea to zap a person's brain with electricity in order to produce a seizure. Reminds me of that dude who went around dong lobotomies on people back 100 years ago or so. If you didn't have depression pre benzos, I personally doubt very much it would provide any relief. I allowed it out of depression but all it did was make my anxiety even worse.

 

Tony

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Thank you Linda and Tony, your responses mean a lot.

 

The thing is, if it's benzo depression, you'd think I'd feel better as I got lower (I started on 7mg ativan and am down to 1-1.2 mg), but the lower I go the more depressed I've felt. I went down to 1mg and then due to depression went back up to 1.25 but it didn't really do anything, I just slept worse on a higher dose. (Also, realized that for years and years while on a higher dose of ativan I rarely had dreams--but now they're more like nightmares.)

 

Were you on benzos or in w/d when you had ECT and did the ECT leave you with any tremors or memory problems? I read that ECT has gotten better. I don't think drugs are much of an option because I had brain surgery and AD's are even more dicey to try after that.

 

Gloria

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I got more anxious and had more memory problems. It does slice a piece out of your memory.

 

Better is all relative, if you compare slicing off a limb with a sharp knife better than battering it off with a sledge hammer, then yes, it's better, but either way you lose your arm.

 

I found that the cog fog remained stable throughout my taper, and never improved until after I was completely off. Perhaps that is how it will work for you and your depression. Just speculating, but we are all different.

 

Good luck.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Tony

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thanks--the article the former dem candidate's wife wrote made it sound like a miracle cure but I'm not sure what drugs she was on at the time, if any--only that she'd tried everything and nothing else worked.

 

What I don't get it, is why I would get depressed getting down to 1mg--I have only really felt better mood-wise since starting taper. I felt incredible when I got down to 2mg. does anyone know why a person would feel a sort of profound depression weeks on end the last 1/7 of their taper??? Even it it is the benzos, I will have to do something.

 

The kind of depression I have is where I will get out--like last weekend had my hair done, went shopping and then on a hiking trip and as soon as I came home was very depressed. The next day I started crying while I was in a store. Seeing couples holding hands, babies, a home that reminded me of my old home, a car the reminded me of when I was happy--you name it. Then I got out tonight after doing not much today (have been working but school's out for summer and I start a summer job next weekend)---and I walked for a couple of miels but again, started crying because it was so nice out and I feel so out of it etc....And my depression si also about loss and going through old experiences over and over and disappointment with where my life is at, regrets, getting older, uncertain future..any of this sound familiar to anyone?????? Thanks--Gloria

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You gaba receptors have been damaged and they are trying to heal.  In the process the effect on you physiologically are utterly unpredictable. That's the only thing that is predictable ... not knowing what to expect next. Every person's experience is uniquely their own and no two are identical. I'm sorry you're going through this depression. Just remember, it will pass.   :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Tony

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  • 2 weeks later...
[d9...]

..And my depression si also about loss and going through old experiences over and over and disappointment with where my life is at, regrets, getting older, uncertain future..any of this sound familiar to anyone?????? Thanks--Gloria

 

Totally familiar Glori.  I had a painful bout with severe depression when I got low in my dose too Glori.  I think as we get to our age, most women go through this to some degree anyway, add in tapering a benzo into the mix and thats a lot of depression to deal with.  Don't expect so much of yourself, it is what it is, and if you need to cry let yourself cry.  We need to cry, it's healthy to cry.  What is the big deal about not wanting to allow ourselves to cry when our bodies need it?

I have had 27 shocks of ECT and it did effect my memory quite a bit for several years afterwards. The depression just came right back again anyway, so what a painful torrid time I had for no reason.

Withdrawal totally sux, it's the most painful and agonising ordeal a human being can endure. Believe that you will come through this Glori, I know that you will endure.

Love to you

Vicky.

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I always feel comforted by your posts. Thanks, Vicky. (And today I'm embarassed I wrote this--it's when I'm depressed I can't remember not being depressed and when I'm fine and normal I can't relate to the depression thing I wrote--very strange!)
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[d9...]

I always feel comforted by your posts. Thanks, Vicky. (And today I'm embarassed I wrote this--it's when I'm depressed I can't remember not being depressed and when I'm fine and normal I can't relate to the depression thing I wrote--very strange!)

It's not really strange Glori.  When we taper a benzo the anxiety and depression cycles are very unpleasant and the fact we don't remember what it felt like when we were in a different cycle is just down to the fact that we live much more in the moment in withdrawal than we did otherwise.

It's very intense and when we feel hurt or pain the feeling is so strong and so now. It's like the only thing that exists is this pain that we feel right at this very moment and this is all there is, precisly because it just hurts so much.  Until of course the next cycle appears and then that feeling is all there is.  :wacko:

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Hi Gloria,

 

I had ECT from December 2004 until August 2005.  It did not work when they did it unilaterally, so they did it bilaterally...but that did not work either.  I was taking Klonopin at the time, but because I would wake up from the treatments in a state of panic, they were giving me Valium IV in the recovery room.  I have heard that it works very well for some people...but in my case, I finally had to put my foot down with the ECT doctor because it wasn't working and it was actually making me worse.  I was repeating myself constantly because I had no short-term memory, and except for the days when I had treatments all the rest of the time I just lay on my couch crying and wanting to die.  It erased several years from my memory--I now have amnesia from about mid-nineties to 2006.  I only remember very few things from that time (basically, the ten years previous to until the year after I had ECT.)  I was told I would only lose my memory from the time around the treatments, but that was not true.  I don't remember my wedding or most of my marriage until 2006.  If I had stopped after the first round of treatments, perhaps my memory would not have been so badly effected, but because I became depressed soon after stopping the first round of treatments, I let the doc convince me to do "maintenance ECT" once a week for several more months.

 

Nevertheless, recently when I was very depressed I was thinking that maybe I should have ECT again.  A/d's don't help me and I don't like pills.  But then I thought of how much I regret losing so many memories, and I wondered what memories I would lose this time.  So I didn't say anything to anyone, and decided not to.  I am low on my Klonopin dose now, down to almost 1/10 of what I was on when I started my taper.  Even though I am trying to put on a cheerful face, I have actually gotten very depressed.  I have very dark thoughts.  But I am never going to have ECT again, no matter how depressed I get.  As someone who has had dozens and dozens of treatments with ECT, I did not find it to be helpful, but actually harmful, and do not recommend it. 

 

Love,

Sara

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thanks for your honest response, much appreciated. The thing is, when I'm depressed I don't remember feeling happy and then vice versa. I have always been even keeled, my mom used to say i was like a duck because everything rolled off my back--so maybe it's the benzos. In your case as mh onw, I wonder sometimes if it's the chronic financial stress and all the things that go along with that...I do think work is rehabilitation-it gives you money to build your life with, co-workers to develope relationships with and share every day things with (even just weather, news, etc.); [people expect and hopefully look forward to seeing you--and I do think--in my case for sure--an idle mind is the devil's workshop-------......

 

luv

Gloria

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Hi, Gloria.  I don't think we've "met" before but I have read your posts, esp since I was considering ECT for depression when I came to this board.  I read a book by a psychologist who had it and it scared the c**p out of me.  Wish I could remember the name of the book.  Anyway, after reading that account I would have to be seriously suicidal to consider it now.

 

Based on what you've written here I have no doubt that the depression is benzo related but probably made worse by your situation.  When I could no longer work because of depression, had no income and no health insurance, guess what: the depression got worse.  Big surprise.  I don't know if it is being on Welbutrin or decreasing my benzo or life circumstances changing or all three, but I'm not nearly as depressed now.  I'm sorry you don't feel you can tolerate an anti-depressant though some people do poorly on them.

 

One cost-free thing that help me was attending a support group for Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar Disorder (I have all 3).  I don't know if there is one in your area but it did give me the opportunity to be with people a bit.  I was pretty isolated when I quit working and there's a tendency to withdraw from the world anyway when one is depressed.  I also have checked several books out from the library and believe me, there are a ton of them on depression.  I believe it will eventually get easier but, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to happen in proportion to the decrease in benzos. 

 

Be gentle with yourself.

 

 

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dear beeper

thanks so much for taking the time to reply. i am working, am underemployed though---not near what i made before i was sick and my energy level is so low...this article i read made ect sound like a miracle cure---the woman supposedly stopped taking  all drugs and then went out to dinner the night after and felt better than she had in years....maybe it was just a dishonest story and written to make money, who knows any more? 

 

 

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thanks for your honest response, much appreciated. The thing is, when I'm depressed I don't remember feeling happy and then vice versa. I have always been even keeled, my mom used to say i was like a duck because everything rolled off my back--so maybe it's the benzos. In your case as mh onw, I wonder sometimes if it's the chronic financial stress and all the things that go along with that...I do think work is rehabilitation-it gives you money to build your life with, co-workers to develope relationships with and share every day things with (even just weather, news, etc.); [people expect and hopefully look forward to seeing you--and I do think--in my case for sure--an idle mind is the devil's workshop-------......

 

luv

Gloria

Hi Gloria,

I feel just like that too, when I'm depressed I don't remember feeling happy and vice versa.  As you mentioned, I think for me, a lot of it is the chronic financial stress as well as other stressors, and am hoping that working will help.  I remember how much happier I was when I was working, and you are right, it wasn't just the money but also being able to have more contact with others (at work).  Also I constantly am beating myself up about not working--it's not good for my self-esteem and it's embarrassing when people ask what I do and I don't know what to tell them.  I try to keep busy, but I know that for me a lot of my depression is probably due to environment which is part of why I don't want to take a/d's, I'd rather change what's wrong with my life, although I do not mean to knock a/d's completely because I know that for some people they can be very helpful or even lifesaving.

Luv,

Sara

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