Blowing it...

I have not been on here for a very long time. It is so hard to be me right now and I keep blowing my taper plan. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she said I seem very manic. She wants to start me on a new med. The problem is that I already took more diazepam and now I feel numb, uninspired and tired of this wild ride. Also, other people don't understand mental illness and I feel like I am being accused of wanting to take more benzo when I am actually cycling with bipolar disorder. My medication for that , well, I seem to becoming immune to that. And also, it is so very hard to come out of the closet about mental illness with all that is in the media. I am not a mean, evil, dangerous person. Quite the opposite, but lately I have been blowing up at my husband and demanding my diazepam. So, I have quite a dilemma. Do I start taking the Latuda in conjunction with seroquel for this high energy mania phase? I don't want to add extra meds but I am sabotaging my own taper. I hate this, and I hate being diagnosed with a mental illness too. And I feel hurt over some of my recovering friends saying that I am just in denial and not understanding I have a mental illness that sets me flying with excessive energy, racing thoughts, odd dreams, etc. But, the biggest problem of all, I am loosing my conviction to stick to my taper. Thus, the Latuda to help with the mania and anxiety. I wish I had the means to just escape this world and get better, get off of benzos. I feel lonely and sad. I hate this life and I hate myself. I just want to be better and not be such an oddball.

I dont know what to tell you - just wanted to let you know I read your post and feel bad for the dilemma youre in.

Were you diagnosed as bi polar before going on a benzo?

I understand how you feel about "coming out" re mental illness. But we've come a long way, and theres a lot more acceptance now.

You do not come across as an "oddball." On the contrary! But I do understand - and some of this stuff may just be "benzo thinking" going on. Im unclear about your taper...off Valium?

You were on Seroquel? And it didnt help? I had to look up Latuda, Im not familiar with it, but according to wiki, its not bad as far as side effects go.

Why not simply continue your taper and also start the Latuda? Have you been having any withdrawal symptoms?

east

Thank you East for replying to my post. I was hoping I would get someone like you to be tender and understanding.

 

I am currently on 300mg seroquel, 450 mg wellbutrin, tapered to 4mg diazepam (valium crossover from klonopin) and estrogen. My problem initially started when I was 27 and was having panic attacks. I took ativan for that for one year. Then the panic went away and I did not take another benzo until my divorce at 44. To cut to the chase I had a meltdown at work at 49. I could not think anymore and my mind was racing. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was given meds. The Seroquel is not working like it was before. I have been tapering for some time now from the diazepam and when I am consistent, I take 4mg diazepam at night. I need to stop binging on the diazepam for the anxiety and do what the doctor says and start the Latuda. But sometimes I just don't know if it is mania or withdrawal going on. Thank you for caring East. It's why I came here, to get it off my chest...