Sometimes Faster is BETTER

I wonder if you are trying to provoke an argument although I honestly can't see what you expect to gain from it.

 

What I hope to gain is a thread for those who are doing just fine on a fast taper. 

 

That means that those on a slow taper should butt out and not co-opt our thread with war stories.

 

The original post was a very positive one with an upbeat message. I wasn't the one who tried to change the tone of the thread to a negative one.

I do think there are a lot of horror stories from rapid tapers. And having come off of Paxil cold turkey once (which I know is not a benzo, but bear with me), I can totally understand how a rapid taper can cause issues.

 

On the other hand, though, for someone like me for whom part of the anxiety of this withdrawal is worrying about symptoms, I feel like the quicker I can finish with the benzos and move beyond them, the better. I know I won't be better immediately, but I feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable if I drip drip drip along on a super slow taper. I am getting ready to jump (tonight is night #1) from .125 and some have warned me that's too high, but I feel like now's the time so I'm giving it a go.

 

I like the idea of a thread really to support those who choose to go faster for whatever reason.

I was tapering at a good pace until I got scared reading some posts. Tomorrow I will cut .125 and proceed I want off this $hit soon. Just so tired of a slow taper.

Hi verity54,

 

Congratulations and I do hope all goes smoooooooooothhhhh.

 

Please let me know how you are doing if you have time...

 

Cheers,

Adie

I wonder if you are trying to provoke an argument although I honestly can't see what you expect to gain from it.

 

What I hope to gain is a thread for those who are doing just fine on a fast taper. 

 

That means that those on a slow taper should butt out and not co-opt our thread with war stories.

 

The original post was a very positive one with an upbeat message. I wasn't the one who tried to change the tone of the thread to a negative one.

 

I would like to remind you that this is not your thread. It belongs to the forum and any member can post on it, you do not own it.

 

I am not surprised that members have commented on some of the statements made here.

 

[so the notion that a rapid taper should be avoided at all costs has become an urban legend on BB. However, the stories make it clear that many who are on a slow taper suffer greatly all during the taper. I've seen people suggest that it might be better to accelerate the process on the theory that because you are going to suffer anyway, why not speed up the process? This attitude is always shouted down by those who claim a very slow taper is the only way to go.

 

 

Do you honestly think that people would not respond to such comments.  There is no conspiracy against people who choose a rapid taper.  It is folly to think this forum only supports those who do a slow taper. We advise people to decide what works best for them. If someone asks for an opinion about jumping off at a certain mg, members will give their opinion.  That is what the forum is about, the sharing of ideas and viewpoints. From there, people can make their own choices. 

 

pianogirl

I would like to remind you that this is not your thread. It belongs to the forum and any member can post on it, you do not own it.

 

There are thousands threads that can be used to play "aint it awful" and "poor baby."

 

Everytime someone tries to start a positive thread, it is co-opted. What are people afraid of?

I tapered off the equiv of 25 mg Valium in 27 weeks....  I think that was a rather fast taper as compared to what I'm hearing...  I did suffer all the way down, but I just kept cutting... (didn't know any better)...  Found BenzoBuddies when I was about 70 days off..    I'm 7+ months off right now...  My symptoms were really starting to get better, but had a couple setbacks..    About a month ago, I took a shot of B12 (I'm also Celiac) and I believe that threw me into a bad symptom spin... and a week or so after that I cought the flu/bronchitis combo...    At the moment, symptoms are through the roof.. I'm hoping that after the sickness subsides and the B12 wears off, I will continue my progress..

 

As to fast or slow taper.. Obviously, it's an individual thing... From what I've read here, people have done well both ways.. 

 

Is there an easy way?        Good Luck everyone and remember we're actually here for each other.

 

BB2

Marina, your posts have been a real breath of fresh air for me.  It would be a shame to see this thread shut down b/c of in-fighting.

 

I was on the Klop for 19 years until I learned about the tolerance w/d I had been experiencing for at least 10 of those years. I have Prof. Ashton and BB to thank for this knowledge and for getting me started out of this squirrel cage of benzo use.

 

I'm currently down to 7.25 Val. and have been feeling crappy ever since dropping below 10 mg. I've been too scared to speed it up because I'm not stabilizing at all after my cuts and thinking it would only get worse if I did.

 

It has been real food for thought, the idea of plowing ahead faster, since I'm going to feel bad, anyway. My length of time using also gives me pause, however. I may experiment with bigger cuts and I may not. I've been thinking this over for some time, now. 

 

The main point from me is, Marina, you said the "unsay-able!" I love it when people have the guts to do that! I'm certain many of us were waiting to read just what you wrote. How many times have we heard that the people who have an easier time of it don't bother to come and post here? Well, here you are! And I don't see anyone bashing you for it, either. And I don't mean to imply that it's been "easy" for you. Just faster, which is very encouraging!

 

Zig-Zag, for what it's worth, I hear you loud and clear, bud!  On the path to recovery, let's not stop and build a shrine to the process.    I wish I could have come up with those very words at my last AA meeting before walking away from that cult! (I quit drinking because it hurt too much, period. But that's entirely another discussion.) It does seem like you are taking aim at the forum, though, from where I sit. And I don't see you being censored. C"mon, man . . . Some people just aren't as tough as we are  and need the guidance and TLC they find here. I say, let them have it.

 

OK, I'm ready to read more stories about Faster is Better (sometimes)!

 

-utc

 

 

 

 

 

 

i have to be honest these thread has scared me.  I understand the whole the point of it.  but i'm just wondering about my taper.  i'm down to 2mg now.  so i'm almost there.  its taken me 13 months of getting down from 60mg of valium.  my first taper failed b/c of going to fast.  i wound up in hospital and forced to updose by 'doctors orders'. 

 

so i was wondering how to get off the last 2 mgs.  i've been reducing by 1mg each drop but afraid to go at that rate anymore b/c if i cut from 2mgs to 1mgs that would be 50% reduction.  my last cut was really hard.

 

so i guess what i'm asking is should i just keep cutting by 1mg or should i try doing less than that.  ?

 

thxs

My appeal  is for balance. The only opinion that is not tolerated on BB seems to be the opinion that a rapid taper is bad.

 

I do not believe that fast tapers are not tolerated here at BB. I did not join BB until I had finished my taper and had only the Ashton Manual as a guide. Since I was on very low doses, but extremely symptomatic with tolerance effects, it was difficult to follow the guidelines in the manual. My doctor was learning along with me.  At times I did as much as a 50% cut.  I made it through my taper and was hit hard after I jumped off.  For this reason I do advise a slow taper, I probably would have used one had I been aware of this forum and made use of the information here. Everyone must find the method that works best for them. If someone is having a really bad time with an agressive taper of course we might suggest that they slow down. If a faster taper works then I am happy for that person. Our major goal here is to provide support for everyone. 

 

pianogirl

 

Just found this thread.

I agree with you piano girl.

I joined BB a few months after a c/t.

I have felt nothing but support from everyone.

whether we are tapering or done or cted,

we all suffer with the same symptoms.

 

Marina

 

I don't understand why you don't want to come on here just because you finished your taper?

 

I miss hearing about your life.

love Carol

 

I would like to remind you that this is not your thread. It belongs to the forum and any member can post on it, you do not own it.

 

There are thousands threads that can be used to play "aint it awful" and "poor baby."

 

Everytime someone tries to start a positive thread, it is co-opted. What are people afraid of?

 

One could ask you the same question. Why are you so angry about this? I was enjoying reading this thread, and the different POVs, until you weighed in with your confrontational attitude. The only person who seems to be trying to “change the tone of the thread to a negative one” is you. No one has been arguing, but you seem intent on getting people to argue.

 

Ironically you are doing exactly what you are accusing the “slow taperers” of doing, and that is creating an imaginary divide between posters, and “co-opting” a positive thread into a negative one. You also seem to be criticising those who simply can’t do faster tapers, or saying that we are imagining how bad our symptoms can be. Or maybe you just think that we aren't tough enough to do a faster taper…….

 

As far as I’m aware I have never noticed any “holy shrine” nonsense that you are talking about. My advice to people has always been to taper the way they feel most comfortable with. If they are able to do a faster taper, good for them, but not everyone is that lucky. I do know that many people who have tried to do a faster taper on the lower doses often end up seeking help because they can’t tolerate the s/x. No one goes out and “captures” these people and tells them they must do a slower taper. These people are suffering, they ask for help and they get it.

 

Probably the reason why there appears to be an imbalance between those advocating a slower taper over a faster taper is because we are a self-selecting group of people. The people you see here are going to be the worst possible cases. Those who are able to do a faster taper probably never seek out online help. They just get on with it, and get it over and done with. The people who come to BB are the ones who are having problems because of their individual chemistry.

 

There is certainly no inevitability that those who do faster tapers are automatically going to be better off in the long run. I’ve seen many people taper fast and then suffer more symptoms after the fact. I’ve also seen people do a slower taper and slide off at the end without feeling as much as a bump. Which is better? Who knows? The end result is that, time-wise, there probably isn’t much difference, but the person who did the slower taper may have been able to get on with their lives without suffering too much while they were tapering. At the same time, sometimes those who do slower tapers feel every single cut they make, so nothing is set in stone when it comes to tapering.

 

That does not mean that I think people shouldn’t do a faster taper. If someone is lucky enough to be able to do it, without suffering too much, that’s great. Personally speaking I am not one of the lucky ones. I couldn’t even handle doing a 0.25mg valium cut. If I had persevered with that taper (which I tried to do numerous times before I came to BB and found out it wasn't the only way) there would have been a very definite chance that I would have ended my life by now because the s/x were so severe.

 

There is also absolutely no inevitability “that many who are on a slow taper suffer greatly all during the taper”. I do not have any s/x at all now. I’m doing just fine, and I have no intentions of going any faster than my body will allow me. I'm getting on with my life, and tapering to me is now just a minor inconvenience for a few minutes every night when I have to measure my dose.

 

I have also never seen any person advocating “updosing” as a general rule, as one poster suggested. From what I’ve seen everyone treats it as an absolute last resort. Unfortunately it is incorrect information like this that does create a divide and resentment between posters.

 

The bottom line is that we should all be in this together, supporting and helping each other - not creating "them and us" dramas. Everyone should taper as quickly or as slowly as they feel they can cope with, without feeling they are going to be criticised by the "opposite camp". There will never be any hard and fast rule book about tapering because we are all so different. There is no prize for being the fastest or the slowest. The only prize is being benzo-free.

 

Frankly, confrontational posts such as yours only make me angry because you are pitting people against each other, and I don’t like getting angry, because I don’t like allowing negativity into my life.

 

Hey Pam, actually, Zig Zag wasn't attacking anyone. There are some passionate views and maybe they're not what others like to hear, and he's verbally ornate in his descriptions which I kind of like but others may not, and is clearly frustrated for what I think is good reason, I am too, there is a definite slant towards the slow taper here and coming off symptom free, which is actually impossible. There is NO information about what I learned to be true, and that is that...

 

... IN A FASTER TAPER YOU MIGHT GO THROUGH A PERIOD INITIALLY OR LATER WHERE THE SYMPTOMS FEEL UNBEARABLE (AND I MEAN UNBEARABLE) BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING NEGATIVE AND IT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN CUT THROUGH.

 

that is CRUCIAL information I am determined to get across.

 

The feeling here is when it gets tough that means slow down, but you know, it doesn't necessarily. People who think they can't speed up might feel that way because they experience and increase in symptoms not understanding that this very well might pass and they may feel much much better for having gone through that. I know that's the case for me and I'm finding it true of others who have given it a shot.

 

There is a Forum trend of slow tapering, that's a fact. That's ok, every place has it's flavor. Those who say that's not the way, are probably doing a slow taper which is why they don't notice it, but it is true. It's not a criticism, it's just the way it is. There are people who become combative and defensive when a different idea is put forth, there are, it's happened to me on several occasions. I say something in the hopes only of sharing and really get slammed and it is disheartening, but I'm guessing this is all coming from a place of feeling trapped and frightened and I get it, this isn't my first rodeo. I understand far more about benzo withdrawal than anyone has a right to. I'm not proud of it, it's been horrible.

 

People are assuming that because I did what I did I must have had an easier time. I did not. At a slow taper I was so disabled I could hardly get out of bed. I was rocking with pain, sleeping 2 hours/night, each small cut every two weeks was agony sending me deeper and deeper into the pain and anxiety and fear. I swear to you, I almost didn't make it. When I started cutting quickly I figured my life was over anyway, why not and it turned things around.

 

A FASTER TAPER IS DEFINITELY AN OPTION FOR THOSE FOR WHOM A TURTLE TAPER ISN'T WORKING, and that's an important bit of information to at least have access to. I put it out there because I care, no other reason, I don't have to do this, I'm not trying to push an agenda, it just breaks my heart to see people in what looks like tolerance to me micro tapering and thinking there is no other way. Maybe there isn't for everyone, for some perhaps this does have to be the way, I certainly don't know for sure, wish I did, but there is an alternative to at least try. I do not want to do harm. I am promising nothing, but it would be irresponsible to not share what worked for me.

 

People are starting to gang up on Zig Zag and while I see that the intentions are good, they are actually doing what they're accusing ZZ of too so let's all just not 

 

Forgive me if anything I said sounded at all combative, I don't mean to be, I'm just trying to get a point across and am not liking the changing tone of this thread. It was not changed by Zig Zag by the way. It was not. While I wouldn't have said what he said the way he said it, though I might have liked to, and at the risk of incurring even more wrath, I agree with him. I got zero support in doing what I was doing the way I did it BECAUSE THE INFORMATION WASN'T OUT THERE.

 

I'm putting it out there. Please hear it. It might really help someone. I think it may have saved my a** 

 

All the best, only

m

HI Marina,

 

As they say where I come from "Good on ya'!!"...

 

I believe absolutely you have important information to share so please come back from time to time and at least let ME know how you are doing...

 

Cheers,

Adie

Hi Marina

 

I have no issue with you, and I'm very happy that you found a taper that worked for you. Well done on being benzo-fee.

 

I was very interested in reading what you and others were saying, until I got to Zig Zag's posts. No one is ganging up on Zig Zag. Some people offered a different POV, but they were not confrontational. What they have reacted to however, was the confrontational manner of his posts. It's posts like his that create divides, instead of us sticking together to help and support each other in whatever type of taper we choose.

 

What I was seeing here is Zig Zag doing exactly what he is accusing other people of doing, and that's not fair. If there are a few people who have become combative about doing faster tapers then they are also guilty of creating a divide, but two wrongs do not make a right. I have found that the vast majority of people on BB are extremely supportive in whatever type of taper people choose to do.

 

I don't know if we have ever discussed your taper, but if we had you would have known that I would have said "Good on you. If it's working that's great!". In fact just yesterday I suggested to someone, who is on a very low dose and having a bad time regardless of how they taper, that maybe they should try to reduce the rest of their dose as fast as possible to see if they start to heal once the benzo is gone. Some people just suffer regardless of what they do. So forgive me if I feel that I am being lumped in with the small minority of people who are too narrow minded to see other people's POVs.

 

While I know I can't do a faster taper now, I have not ruled out trying it when my dose gets lower. I am open minded about most things.  All the best. I hope you continue to improve every day.

Pam, I'm happy to know you 

 

I will say in all honesty I did find others confrontational but we can agree to disagree, I hope we can, I really have no interest in carrying any negativity over.

 

Thanks for the Good on You. Man there are a lot of people from down under on this forum. I would love to visit. Maybe down the road. IT's just so bloody far from me.

 

Have a great evening.

m

Whenever I got below 10 mg, my body all of a sudden started fighting back much harder even on comparatively smaller cuts.

 

I made a reasonable cut (around 6%) a few days ago and was so physically screwed up that it scared the crap out of me and my anxiety was beyond anything I have experienced. I made the choice to stick with my cut.

 

What has happened since I have held for five days: my anxiety got chopped in half, my eyes became much less sensitive to light, my desire to be social came back in a huge way, my hypochondria significantly diminished, and my aggression level dropped. 

 

Yes, my muscles are very tight (a flare up of what I was put on Valium for) and I am ADD to death, but the results of sticking it out have been awesome. I am going to aggressively pursue getting off this Valium crap.

 

Hi morrowcosom

 

Wow, that's really fantastic...

 

Cheers,

Adie

Hi Marina

 

Unfortunately Australia is a long way from everywhere..lol...  but it is a lovely country so I'm sure you would enjoy yourself here.

 

Yes, there does seem to be a lot of Aussies on BB, considering we have a fairly small population. I'm not sure what that says about our medical system. Benzos are cheap here, maybe that's why they're prescribed so much.

I'm new to all of this and know nothing ... but a faster taper (i.e., not waiting for withdrawal symptoms to subside completely) makes intuitive sense to me in one way. If we wait to stabilize between cuts, are we allowing our brains to acclimate to the dose instead of working with the brain's momentum to heal?

 

On the other hand, maybe allowing the brain to stabilize on a dose before making another cut allows recuperation and enough strength to get through the next cut...?

 

I started tapering off 13+ years of Klonopin 2mg. I started in January (dry cuts, mostly, with a recent dabble into liquid titration). As of last night, I'm down to 1mg, and I feel perfectly awful. I keep changing my mind on how to proceed, but in light of this post, maybe I'll try a compromise and make a daily reduction, but more than 1%. I'll have to look around to see how that might have worked out for others.

 

This is all very daunting, and the fact that I've never been so stupid in my life isn't helping. 

 

At any rate, glad this forum is here and grateful for all the information. I'm confused, but I prefer that to being told there's only way of doing anything. Thank you for all the insights.

 

 

As a general rule, members should taper as rapidly as they feel they can within reason and within their ability to function. I had a long taper (in retrospect, too long). I did so in the hope of keeping my symptoms minimal so I could continue to function. Tolerance of symptoms is very subjective. We might have members who are working and can not tolerate many symptoms at all, in which case they may opt for a slower taper. Other members who may not be working or taking care of children may opt for a more rapid taper and white knuckle the symptoms.

 

The most important thing is to do what's best for you, keeping in mind that it may take a little trial and error to figure that out.

 

Btw, I haven't read this whole thread so if I'm repeating anything that's already been said, please ignore my post. I just wanted to throw my two cents in. 

 

 

Edit: typo

Thanks, Hope. Yeah, I'm getting the "error" part down pretty well, I think ... argh. But I understand what you're saying.

 

It's a shame we largely can't rely on doctors to help us with this. I told my psychiatrist last year that I wanted to stop taking Klonopin. Her advice was to "go slow" by cutting .25 every three days for "a while," then every two days, etc. She was really rather dismissive/nonchalant about it. Anyway, for whatever reason, that didn't sound right to me, hence my Internet search and arrival here.

 

This is tough in any case, but not having support makes it that much harder.

Just to clarify as I know things get lost in translation, I didn't c/t by any stretch, I just did Ashton by the book, only I cut .5/week, and this only after finding that a slow taper was making my symptoms unbearable. I am repeating myself for those who come on now. So, at Ashton speed, without change and cutting regardless of symptoms, manageably ok. I never had the expectation that I would be fine once I was off, I just wanted off. Much much better over all than the slower rate of tapering.

 

Funny Pam, yes it's true, you are kind of far from anyone. Such beautiful country you're keeping all to yourselves.

 

Hiya No, Addie, nice to meet all these people. So happy if I could have been of any help, truly. What I'm noticing is people who are trying the Ashton method are reporting also feeling better after a cut, which is what consistently happened to me, then I'd feel worse as the week wore on, often having my worst day on the day I was meant to cut. This did however get better as the symptoms eased up over time.

 

It's interesting, it really is, I can't imagine why it should be and yet it is. Also, I only came off 8.5mgs at that rate, not a whole lot really.

 

So, I've pretty much done it all, a c/t started al this, then a turtle tapered off Ativan, I didn't know that's what it was called for 7 years (!!) had a reaction to a birthcontrol pill, ended up back on Valium 35mgs came off fast, hit a wall and slowed right down into tolerance, held for 6 months in living hell and came off the rest in a kind of c/t and felt better for it. Now this last one. I've experienced every symptom in the book and probably some not written about and one night was so determined to leave this world, I almost did, so no talk about me not knowing how awful this can be, not that I'm clinging to it. I'm not. I have every intention of developing amnesia  :) starting right now.

 

Good luck Campers.

All of us will be healed one day, isn't that great??

m

As a general rule, members should taper as rapidly as they feel they can within reason and within their ability to function. I had a long taper (in retrospect, too long). I did so in the hope of keeping my symptoms minimal so I could continue to function. Tolerance of symptoms is very subjective. We might have members who are working and can not tolerate many symptoms at all, in which case they may opt for a slower taper. Other members who may not be working or taking care of children may opt for a more rapid taper and white knuckle the symptoms.

 

The most important thing is to do what's best for you, keeping in mind that it may take a little trial and error to figure that out.

 

Btw, I haven't read this whole thread so if I'm repeating anything that's already been said, please ignore my post. I just wanted to throw my two cents in. 

 

 

Edit: typo

 

Just to clarify as I know things get lost in translation, I didn't c/t by any stretch, I just did Ashton by the book, only I cut .5/week, and this only after finding that a slow taper was making my symptoms unbearable. I am repeating myself for those who come on now. So, at Ashton speed, without change and cutting regardless of symptoms, manageably ok. I never had the expectation that I would be fine once I was off, I just wanted off. Much much better over all than the slower rate of tapering.

 

Funny Pam, yes it's true, you are kind of far from anyone. Such beautiful country you're keeping all to yourselves.

 

Hiya No, Addie, nice to meet all these people. So happy if I could have been of any help, truly. What I'm noticing is people who are trying the Ashton method are reporting also feeling better after a cut, which is what consistently happened to me, then I'd feel worse as the week wore on, often having my worst day on the day I was meant to cut. This did however get better as the symptoms eased up over time.

 

It's interesting, it really is, I can't imagine why it should be and yet it is. Also, I only came off 8.5mgs at that rate, not a whole lot really.

 

So, I've pretty much done it all, a c/t started al this, then a turtle tapered off Ativan, I didn't know that's what it was called for 7 years (!!) had a reaction to a birthcontrol pill, ended up back on Valium 35mgs came off fast, hit a wall and slowed right down into tolerance, held for 6 months in living hell and came off the rest in a kind of c/t and felt better for it. Now this last one. I've experienced every symptom in the book and probably some not written about and one night was so determined to leave this world, I almost did, so no talk about me not knowing how awful this can be, not that I'm clinging to it. I'm not. I have every intention of developing amnesia  :) starting right now.

 

Good luck Campers.

All of us will be healed one day, isn't that great??

m

Marina and all other BB's...

 

this thread really spoke to me, altho i have not read it all, and i'm a newbie who's barely posted since i had a w/d 'breakdown' on march 15th after jumping on march 7th, due to impatience.

 

it's all in my signature...and i hope this long post doesn't bore or violate some forum protocol--it's my first real attempt at sharing more than fear here:

 

i must concur with the musings of those who say they got scared by all the more difficult accounts of suffering. i felt quite protective of my own process, and do know myself to be a very impressionable person.

i had to move very slowly to begin posting here, and i had to acknowledge that i could fall prey to 'fear factor' and overthink every waking minute of each recovery day, waiting for heinous symptoms to rear their head.

 

2mro will be 21 days for me. i've done reading elsewhere, and given my diazepam history and my jump that i guess qualifies as close to a c/t (or is it just a really crazy taper??) i've feared late onset of dangerous sxs, like seizure.

 

i want to share what my actual withdrawal syndrome symtomology has been thus far:

-very scary DP/DR on march 15th, extreme agitation, shallow breathing, metallic taste in mouth....with bad insomnia that night.

Note: no day since that day has been as bad as that day.

 

-consistent shifting musculoskeletal aches and pains and lower GI stuff:  uber-sore lower back, achilles tendon, sore ankles, numbness in fingers/hands/feet that dissipates with waking and moving. sore neck, halitosis, tmj, gum pain,  oddball abdominal knots, some loose stool, some constipation, weird *noises* of gurgling in tummy,

 

-auditory attenuation type stuff: i hear a radio in one fan here at home. i have a certain 'tone' in my head most nights-that doesn't change if i switch beds. volume on tv, or microwave noises, etc, just about any noise is MAJOR. it doesn't stun me into panic, but it is annoying. the tinnitus came on in my left ear very crystal clearly for say, 15 sec bouts, but in past few days now it presents as a low tone. (it could be worsened by being near all the effing componentry at my computer desk.

 

most all of my sxs have happed since i jumped. i didn't have much problem with my renegade taper--i might have tapered slowly if my dr had been available to write me out of state. he left me with little rx to design an ashton taper.

 

i want to interrupt my flow and say that a week ago, writing this much was impossible. i have been blessed in these early weeks with long windows. i've been nearly fully functional for days at a time. i've had rather good sleep. there have been bad days. i guess they might qualify as 'waves', but there were genuinely disagreeable things happening on those days, and i was unhappy about them. and i 'coped' pretty well.

 

i do have daily crying spells that last about 5 mins or less, and occur maybe 3x a day.

 

i can go about a day without drinking wine or beer, then i cave and have some. i have not noticed much of a correlation between consuming alcohol and most of my symptoms. insomnia tends to occur if i have several glasses of wine. sometimes it doesn't.

 

my jury is mos def OUT on slow vs fast taper.

having said that, maybe i'm gonna be slammed next week or down the line here. i own that. but i had to chime in and say that sometimes, i feel soooooo good. i feel like maybe my 'refresh' button has been successfully clicked. as easter approaches, i hope to feel optimism and a sense of renewal and rebirth.

 

i steer clear of the accounts that scare me here on planet BB.  i read signatures very carefully. i consider us all to be in the same boat, but we all have such different histories, and they're pharmaceutical in nature and it's our brains we affected after all, so we're gonna trip---and it'll be trippin' hard sometimes, i do believe.

 

but we can lean in here, right? here at BB? it was a massive refuge for me the day of my 'breakdown'..

 

instinct tells me that alot of my symptoms are from not being in shape. it's common sense. i used to be a gym rat! for two years i've been kicking this drug or that drug, and i stopped working out TOTALLY. i've been thru menopause, i've gained 50 goshdarn pounds!! there's funerals that've happened.....so my aches and pains might be w/d, they might be lack of fitness and older age, who can say??? there's been disorder and death and loss and melancholy...all very real and visceral. and in spite of it, i've been shot out the end of the cannon and i've retired nearly ALL the  substance crutches i clung to in order to get through life.

 

it's crucial for me to believe i can weather 'reality' without palliating. i used psych drugs and other substances as a filter or cushion for oh so very long.....i work now on letting myself grieve the losses, and on forgiving myself for certain eras or actions in my past. the daily thunderclaps of insight can feel relentless and ruthless, but i am somehow getting from minute to minute. BB engendered that notion for me: all the posts that speak of pushing through sxs, making it thru the day, the night, the moment.

 

alls i know is i'm here to say that it's day 20 and i'm feeling rather ok. not great. things are lackluster for shure. i do look for 'luminosity' in the little things each day, and usually i find it.

 

i'm talking about being in the 'flow' with things. having moments of 'grace' where emptying the dishwasher seems to be infused with magic, cuz i can easily coordinate bending, opening cabinets, placing items without great noise or clumsiness, i'm not afraid of the knives anymore......stuff like that.

 

there are angels here at BB.

every one of us deserves grace and fortitude.

i feel alone and scared often. one day maybe i will be ok, being solo for a few hours, getting a job again.maybe i will fell whole and unto myself. this i crave.

 

i see my recovery in my favorite MGMT song:

 

'if it's good or if it's fortune i can't tell

but PIECES COME TOGETHER FOR SOME REASON JUST AS WELL

their guns can't see us,

there's a sea outside my door

and one day i'll appreciate the rush of blood and the washed out beat of the shore....

and remember what it felt like...

to be alone and sitting in the sunlight

all alone....'

 

bless up to all who got this far and thank you for reading this and please don't scold me for length--this is probably my opus!

 

eyzovblu