Welcome Carol1956

Hi, My screen name is Carol1956, and I just registered with BenzoBuddies.  I am very thankful that I found this site!

In 1995, I had my first anxiety attack and went to an E.R..  I was put on Klonopin.  Thirteen years later, I have found myself in the struggle of my life!  Over the years, I have gone from .25 mg., at bedtime to 4 mg., a day.  My last four to five years, have been lived in a horrible fog of confusion, paranoia, insomnia, agoraphobia, depression and the list goes on.  On March 3, (last month), I talked to my psych doc about possible tolerance and addiction, and we decided it was time for the WD.  He gave me only one week of .25 mg., and then I fell flat into full-blown withdrawal.  I was never told about tolerance or addiction when I was first prescribed this med, and my doc didn't even tell me last month about what was ahead.  It seems like I am reading this type of story everywhere, so at least I know I am not the only one.  Anyway, I am now closing in on 28 days free.  I still am on 450 mg. of Effexor XR, which I know now, is a high dosage for that med.  I will be looking at WD'ing from that, probably this summer.  The saddest and most grievous part of my whole experience, is that my dearly loved children are 23, 21, and my only son, who will be turning 18 this month, have lost the loving, communicative, hands-on mother that I once was.  My heart is deeply broken.  Since I started detoxing, I began to see the hurt in my children's eyes, that I know I have caused.  I have not been there for them.  Please let me know if any of you can relate to my heartache.

Hi Carol,

First thing, please don't be so hard on yourself about not being there for your children. I'm sure they don't feel that way. You were put on these drugs by a physician like many others (including myself) not knowing the addictive nature and the difficulty of getting off these drugs. We just didn't know any better, after all the doctors know best, right? Unfortunately, many physicians do not know what these drugs do to people and do not understand how to offer advice for getting off of them. Feel free to browse others stories, you will find some to be very similiar to yours and many will drop by to offer you words of encouragement along with their experiences. I was given these drugs the same as you for an anxiety attack. They treat a short term problem with a lifetime of medicine not knowing that they can cause the same symptoms as you were initially being treated for.

Since you have been off of them for a month already, I'm not sure what to advise you at this point. Are you still experiencing full blown withdrawal symptoms or have they slowly gotten any better? Others that have been through what you have will be better to advise you. I was only on klono for 8 weeks and started tapering Feb 18 and still have at least 8 or more weeks to go.

You have come to the right place and you will find help and encouragement. Please feel free to start your own thread by clicking on "new topic" in the Welcome to the Forum" column and as I mentioned others will be by to help you out with any more questions you may have.

Someone may be able to move your thread to a separate line for you.

Hi Carol, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate to your story very well, it's horrible the havoc these drugs bring to our lives and the lives of our family members.  The good news is that you are now going to be drug free and your children can have their "original" mom back.

A lot of us have children and grieve over the lost years, but something you (and they) must realize is that on any given day you made the very best decision you could at that time. They know you would never intentionally hurt yourself or them.  We grieve over the past, they are sad by what they see today and that is the withdrawal symptoms.  They are old enough to want to do something to help you and there is nothing that they can do.  

What your dr. did to you was medically unsound.  He basically had you go cold turkey off Klonopin and that put you in danger of seizures. Klonopin is one of the strongest benzos out there and very dangerous.  I also c/t off that and the withdrawal is brutal.  

Everyone handles withdrawal differently.  Some have horrible symptoms and others not so bad.  You had already become tolerant of the drug before you stopped so I would say reinstatement is not an option, but someone that who has more experience with that will be along soon.  

Carol, you made the best decisions you could make at the time.  We all have regrets in one form or another, no one is perfect.  The last 4-5 years you have been in tolerance and if you had known then what you know now you would have done things differently. We can't turn back time but we can make sure the future is better and that is what you are doing.  Not all the 13 years were bad, more than likely in the beginning they helped you through whatever you were needing.  The drs. don't tell us the truth and we end up taking them way too long. This is not your fault.

Go easy on yourself and you will get through this.  Read the others blogs and you will find what you are going through is quite normal.  There are better days ahead for you and your children.  

Tropicalsoul

Dear TropicalSoul,

I love your screen name!  I, too, am a tropical person. 

Thank you so much for your words of encouragment.  My mind is pretty exhausted right now.  Last night was the first night in almost 4 weeks that I actually slept.  Probably about 6 hours.  I am very grateful for that!

My oldest daughter is a pysch major and is planning on grad school this fall to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has been a very good support person for me.  She was in college and on her own, before I went into the tolerance and addiction part of this battle.  It is my younger children that have bore the brunt of my "prescription drug crisis".  I will write some more tomorrow and look forward to getting more advice.

God bless,

Carol1956

Hi Carol!

Hope you don't mind that I split your post of into it's own thread.  Posts tend to get a little lost in the Welcome "sticky" thread.  Want you to get the attention that you deserve!!  Anyway.....

Yes I can totally relate to what you are feeling.  When I was going through withdrawal my children lost their mother almost completely.  I don't even know how I got through those days!!  I felt horrible because my 3rd grader at the time received the worst report card she's ever had because of what I was going through.  She was so worried about me.  The good news is...I am well...doing great...and my daughter is now receiving all A's!!  It does get better and this will all be a distant memory one day...I promise!!  Hang in there!!

Love,

Jen

I'm sorry your doctor didnt tell you about the wd hell that you would inevitably experience at basically going cold turkey.

Please dont be so hard on yourself about your children. They should be old enough to know that your going through a hard time and could use their help and support. I have a 8 month old that I feel am letting down so much, because I'm so drained, depressed, anxious etc that I cant take care of her as I should but I know it's not my fault but the drugs that doctors have put me on.

I'm also on effexor and know I'm in for quite a wd experience with that too. Not as high of a dose as you are, 225mg but still enough. Please give yourself some time to stabilize before tackling anything else, especially effexor.

Take care of yourself. It will get better!

Amanda

Good Afternoon Everyone.

I am so thankful that I found all of you and am crying over your kind words of encourgment.  I agree with all of you who say that it is too late now for me to reinstate the Klonopin, as this is my 28 day of being benzo free.  The worst part of the WD IS OVER!  The horrible brain zaps, the sweating, the uncontrollable shaking, not being able to walk (my legs were so weak and trembling), the paranoia, hallucinations........Now I am just weak, frail and incredibly tired.  My mind is still foggy and I have crying spells.  Just taking a bath this morning, wore me out.  I know my husband was disappointed that we didn't go to church this morning, but I still have a fear of going out.  Don't trust my judgment, decision making, etc..  Still feel that all eyes are on me, just waiting for me to mess up.  Hopefully, this too, will pass.   Eating is also a big chore!  My hands are still slightly shaky, and even making a bowl of cereal and eating it, seems overwhelming. 

As far as my children go, I have my faith to hold onto.  Just continue to pray for them, and love them.

God bless all of you,

Carol1956

Hi Carol,

Yes, fatigue is a common w/d symptom. My first two weeks I could barely make it from the couch to the bed. Just sooo tired. I still get worn out if I do too much. It will take time for you to heal, your body has been through a great shock and everyday it will heal. Hope your husband can understand more.

Take care! 

Dear Theresa2,

Well, I am glad that this overwhelming fatigue is normal.  Am I posting in the right place?  My mind is so scattered and I get sooooo FRUSTRATED that I can't even do the simplest tasks.  I would like to be a part of the Forum and get to hear what my other Buddies are going through.  I couldn't even find my last post!

Hi Carol,

Yes you are posting in the right place. We moved everything so you would have your own thread. You can check all posts by clicking on the "show all unread posts since last visit" in the upper right hand corner of page, or just go to your thread in Welcome to the Forum area and your thread Welcome Caro1956 (sorry they left your "l" out).

Take care! 

Hi Carol,

 

Yes you are posting in the right place. We moved everything so you would have your own thread. You can check all posts by clicking on the "show all unread posts since last visit" in the upper right hand corner of page, or just go to your thread in Welcome to the Forum area and your thread Welcome Caro1956 (sorry they left your "l" out).

 

Take care! 

Ooooops, I was very tired last night when I did that...I'll fix the "L".

Jen

OK...all posts now have an "L".  Sorry bout that!! 

Jen

Jen,

I wouldn't have had a clue to do what you did with the move and even fixing the L. You're a genius in my book! 

Thanks Theresa.  Genius is a little strong.  Gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, wonderful, awe inspiring...all that maybe...but genius..nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  LOL

Jen

Thanks Theresa.  Genius is a little strong.  Gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, wonderful, awe inspiring...all that maybe...but genius..nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  LOL

 

Jen

Ah, nothing like a little confidence in one's self! 

Hi Carol,

Just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing?

T2

Good Morning Everyone.

Thank you so much for straightening out my "threads", whatever they are:)

I am doing pretty well this morning.  Actually slept again last night!  28 days Benzo free and getting stronger!  I am having some heavy nightmares during the night, but go right back to sleep and don't remember them much in the morning (thank heavens for amnesia).  Never thought I'd be saying that.

Hi Carol,

Glad to hear that you slept good last night. It is great for recovery. I couln't help notice in your other post that you had a partial hysterectomy about one year after you started taking benzos. I wonder if female problems in the first place could have brought on your anxiety attack to begin with. I know thyroid problems can bring on anxiety, I think everything is connected somehow (not sure how exactly). Anxiety is so much more common in women, too. It just makes me wonder. I think my recent anxiety attack was related to extreme stress and menopause.

The hormones the girls are talking about are the bio hormones (Suzanne Somers is a big spokesperson for these). They are hormones made with natural products, specifically for each patient, nothing like the HRTs such as premarin, etc. which is not recommended these days.

Hi Carol,

Glad you are doing okay despite your sleep problems. I don't have that problem yet since I am still taking my poison during my taper. A lot of people here suffer with insomnia and they can give you some ideas of what they do. Some use benadryl occasionally, I don't think it's addictive? I know that most say that their sleep returns after time. Have you been reading some of the member's blogs, you may find a lot of info from there regarding sleep problems and what they do. You are doing great considering coming off such a high dose of klono! 

Take care! 

Hi Carol!

Sorry for the late "welcome".  I've been just out of it the past few days! Let me just say that, judging from what I've read, it sounds like you're doing great considering how rapid you were taken off of the K. Honestly, you should be proud of yourself and know that your body is healing and getting itself back on track! 

Take care,

Pete

Hi Carol,

Haven't heard from you in a few days, just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing? Please let us know, okay? Take care.

T2 

Dear Theresa,

Thank you so much for checking up on me.  I could just cry.  My computer has been shutting itself down periodically during the day and then won't let me get back on the internet.  Frustrating!  I have so missed chatting with all of you. 

I am still not doing the greatest.  Doc started me on Buspar last week, cause I was in a downward spiral from not sleeping, and heavy depression.  Six weeks clean from Klonopin, though.  Still taking the 450 mgs. of Effexor XR, too.

As my body wakes up from the long time benzo use, I am discovering aches and pains that I haven't felt forever.

My worst symptoms now, are bolting up every two hours throughout the night and scratching my head like crazy!  Also, feeling all of these mild electrical shocks in my hands, feet and calves.  Is this still from the klonopin withdrawal, or from the introduction of Buspar??  Would love to hear from someone who knows.  The doc doesn't know, nor does his nurses.  I trust you guys more than them:(  Sad.....

As my body wakes up from the long time benzo use, I am discovering aches and pains that I haven't felt forever.

My worst symptoms now, are bolting up every two hours throughout the night and scratching my head like crazy!  Also, feeling all of these mild electrical shocks in my hands, feet and calves.  Is this still from the klonopin withdrawal, or from the introduction of Buspar??  Would love to hear from someone who knows.  The doc doesn't know, nor does his nurses.  I trust you guys more than them:(  Sad.....

Congrats on being off klono for 6 weeks....it just gets better from here.  What you are describing is the typical wd sx from the klono.  I'm up every 2 hours at nights, also.  What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!   The sx will all go away in time.  Your body is just coming back to life and letting you know it.

Isn't it sad that the drs don't know what a person experiences when coming off the drugs they prescribe?

Dearest Carol,

So glad to hear from you, I was worried about you! Since you came off of klono so fast I believe you will experience w/d s/x for a while (no one can predict since it is different for everyone). I wish your dr would not have done this c/t to you. As far a Buspar, I am not familar with its effects during your w/d or how it will help. Have you noticed it helping you? Although my dr prescribed it to me, I chose not to take it but I am doing a slow taper and should not need it. Other buddies should be by to help with your questions regarding your continuing w/d s/x. Take care!

T2