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Now I Can Overcome Anything


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Where to start? I knew I wanted to come back here and be a support to people going through the same thing I went through last year, so here I am. Clonazepam and Remeron (and Ativan and Paxil) FREE since Sept 2012. It's been 6 months since I took my last dose of the liquid titration, and I pray I never forget to look back on that time and remember the HUGE thing I overcame and made it through. It changed me forever.

 

I suffered severe panic attacks and phobias since I was a young kid. Mom also had anxiety disorder. Here I was in my 20s and living on social security disability. So much of my life was spent indoors, isolated and suffering. How much of life I missed!

 

I was always one to seek natural and alternative therapies. Some helped, most didn't. It was on a particular "Hell night" that I ended up in the ER and a doctor prescribed me Ativan. Finally, relief! I slept like a baby. I remember after they filled my vein with the medicine, I started to hallucinate some interesting images of silhouetted people and auras...then my blood pressure monitor alarm started beeping--which I remember in my blissed out state---because my blood pressure had dropped dangerously low due to the Ativan. The nurses checked me; flipped me to my side, and the alarm went off.

 

They sent me home with the Ativan, failing to stress the side effects or that I should NOT take it every day. I started taking it every time I had an attack. Finally, I realized my increased symptoms were due to withdrawal symptoms. I'd been taking it everyday, my body rapidly craving more.

 

I had another Hell night, went to my doctor's, this time I requested a prescription for Clonazepam, after I read that it would be easier to get off of than the Ativan. So I switched to Clonazepam, and it was a good switch. My symptoms eased up a bit.

 

And so it went for 3 years or so. I actually kicked the Clonazepam at one point, by pill cutting, but then got back on it again. This time I would take it even for a migraine headache! Little did I know...

 

I suffered chronic nausea for 3 years while I was on Clonazepam. I thought I had either a Systemic Candida infection, parasites, or an H.pylori infection--or all of the above. And I had each of them at one time or another. The H.pylori was the worst. With treatment through natural supplements I healed from the h.pylori and the nausea subsided, finally.

 

But for a long time I continued to suffer with what I believed was hypoglycemia: the need to eat every 2 hours or less, feelings of extreme weakness, mental disorientation, motion sensitivity, breathlessness, nausea, sensitivity to heat, tingling hands, verbal and cognitive disorientation, and of course...severe panic attacks, phobias, and suicidal ideation. The need to eat ruled my life. I had to take food with me everywhere--even into the bathroom when I showered, and would wake up in the middle of the night to eat, at least once a night, but up to three times a night. This went on for a few years.

 

Finally, it occured to me, through talking to a friend, that maybe the Clonazepam I had continued to take might be causing some of these symptoms.

 

My illness increasingly affected my marriage, and in June of 2012, my husband moved out, leaving me to face my fears and illness and withdrawals without him. Devastated from the loss of my husband, I became even sicker. I could barely function. I developed morning sickness. Thankfully, my mother lives across the street, and she became my main support.

 

It was truly Hell. A spiritual battle. My faith in Christ and sudden, desperate devotion to Him and to prayer saved me. I spent almost every moment in unceasing prayer. It was a profound time for me, that in some ways, I actually miss. I became closer to my God than ever before, and without that, I wouldn't have made it. I clung to prayer, and the Psalms, specifically, like a security blanket.

 

Insomnia hit with full force. The Psalms got me through. I suffered in the night, the worst. It seems to me, that the night is just the time for spiritual warfare! And I went through it, but thankfully, I had a small group of friends who constantly kept me in prayer and who I could text any time of the day or night.

 

I began my titration in July of 2013 using coconut milk. The schedule I made for myself empowered me. It gave me focus, a mission. I looked to the day on the calender that I had written "I'm Free!" I decided to take 3 months or so to go off" aprox 100 days, at a 1% taper each day. I've always been an impatient person, but a friend of mine told me to take it slow, and I learned that that was best in this case! She had taken 6 months to go off--I was trying to do it in half the time. Everyone is different.

 

I suffered a lot, but I mentally prepared myself for "battle" everyday--mostly through prayer and acceptance. I remember as the days got closer to Freedom, the liquid in my jar seemed to disappear. I kept thinking, how could there be this many more days left? It was such a small amount of liquid. This is why I ended up taking a little less than 100 days, but it worked for me.

 

As I got closer to the last dose, I would tell my friends and family, "Two days left!" Or "It's my last night tonight!" And I had my sister and mom come stay the night with me for two days of my last dose. I thank God for them, because that last night was truly hard. I had been taking Remeron for a short time, and mostly as needed, and I took it on those final days to help with sleep and nausea.

 

Then, after I kicked the Clonazepam...it was still not over. I had to kick the Remeron. That was another mountain to climb, and again, I needed the help of my mother and stepdad, but I made it. (I was on Remeron for less than 30 days, and hadn't even taken it everyday, so I just tapered down with pill cutting over a few days.)

 

It's been 6 months, and I am gradually getting stronger. What symptoms I still have may be due to damage caused by the drugs---they may have affected my thyroid and adrenals, which I am working to heal now, through chiropractic and supplements. But, my sleep has improved. I can fall asleep naturally; it's staying asleep I still struggle with. I am still waking once a night to eat, but that's much better than 2 or 3 times. Also, I don't have trouble falling back asleep. The anxiety has gone way down. Sometimes I go a long time without any anxiety. I overcame my phobias because I had to face them head-on and all by myself! I have also been seeing a lot of improvement through EMDR therapy.

 

Today I feel like a new person or like the person I always was, but now she can breathe and live! I look healthier and I have a lot of hope for continued improvement and healing. The suffering is hard, and when you think you can't do it anymore...you CAN. You absolutely CAN. And it will pass. It will always pass. Sleep will come. Rest will come. Peace will come. Eventually you'll look back and realize that 3 months (or however long you choose to take to go off the benzo) wasn't as long as it once seemed. It's just time and it always passes. THANK GOD.

 

Peace of Christ be with you. Please message me anytime. I want to be of help.

 

Juanita

 

 

edit: removal of personal information

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Congratulations! What an ordeal. You have conquered a lot of different things along your journey. You have come out strong and it shows through your words. Thank you for coming back and sharing your story.
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Citizzen love your story. Was wondering what you took for H-Pylori that was natural? I have H-Pylori and won't take antibiotics.
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Beautiful post!  We are not suppose to talk about religion here so I will only say this, "There is great strength in the power of prayer!"

 

:smitten:

GG

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  • 2 weeks later...
Amazing post!  I read it over and over,  I too cling to God and prayer like my lifeline. I am wondering if the anxiety you had before the benzos left? Also, you mentioned suicide ideation, was depression a side effect from the benzo and did it leave? This is my most disturbing symptom, although i never had it pre-benzo. It is actually hard to smile, heavy and dark.
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Dear Juanita,

  Thank you for posting your difficult story. I am so happy to hear you are healing. Your courageous attitude helps me know I can finish my taper and heal from benzodiazepines.

With gratitude,

Carita

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  • 2 years later...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story and testimony. I cried when I read it, because I too so understand the power of prayer and your faith. I share the same and without Christ, I could NEVER have made it through this ordeal.

It's been almost 4 1/2 months since my last benzo dose and I know more healing comes with each passing day. I wish you wholeness that you never dreamed of and 100% healing very soon!

God bless  :angel:

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  • 5 months later...
Awesome stuff!  It sounds like you have really been through a tremendously agonizing time.  Are you really that positive, or did you just put on your "best face" for us?  I particularly loved your intro and I completely agree with you!  I believe you can overcome anything after the battle you have been through.  I'm not sure why this particular post popped up tonight, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.  I'm encouraged these moths WILL pass by, and, like you, I'll be able to look back on this EPIC as a time where I learned to lean on those I love, draw close the ONE who loves me more than any other, and come through it all with a renewed sense of dignity.  Thanks so much for sharing!!
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  • 2 years later...

Congratulations on your recovery. I, too, feel that I can \now overcome just about anything. Going through a truly awful withdrawal proved to be one of the BEST things I have ever done. I am now healthier than I have been for years, and I now know just how strong I am.

 

Take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing your own difficult journey.

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Congratulations!  you did it! thank you for posting your story. I'm very close to taking my last crumb of Ativan and need much inspiration what I liked about your story is you talked about time its true sometimes we can get so impatient but before we know it time flys and we start to heal and when we think we cant anymore we can. thank you and congrats! once again

 

Butterfly

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Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing. This gives me hope as I am at the beginning of my Ativan taper 💗👍
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