A long road of misery, and I am running out of gas.

I found this site because, after several MONTHS off of Klonopin (after being on 2 mg per day for several years to help maintain anxiety and keep my blood pressure down), I am at the point that I feel completely hopeless. I've gone from an active 39 year old guy who was a 5-day per week weightlifter to someone who *might* get out of the house once per week.

 

Why did I stop? My previous doctor dropped my insurance, and I was sent to a new doctor that doesn't believe in prescribing benzos. The old doctor wouldn't even accept me as a cash patient, having signed an exclusive contract with Humana. I live in Florida, and the crack-down on narcotic prescriptions had made many general practioners gun shy about prescribing ANYONE benzos. I suppose that I fall within that group. Ironically, my previous doctor didn't even put me on Klonopin. A physician's assistant did. The doctor just signed the prescription. As a matter of fact, in a couple of years going there...I never even saw her. Not once. My new doctor's office - down the road - calls her the mystery lady, as other patients referred there have reported the same.

 

So, back on topic, my "new" doctor prescribed me .5 mg's twice a day for a month, and then nothing. He was confident that 30 days was more than enough time for anyone to recover from Klonopin, advising me to just break the pills in half the last two weeks. I did so, finally running out after 5 or 6 weeks. I probably don't have to mention that he made it clear - in the 45 second evaluation I was given at my initial appointment - that he could care less. Just another number; sign the paper so we can bill your insurance, and I'll see you in another month.

 

So where am I now?

 

As mentioned, previously I was the definition of active. I bench-pressed 350 pounds, frequently did "farmers walks" (walks carrying 45 lb plates in each hand) and was cheerful most of the time. My wife and I have 3 kids, and I would constantly try to keep all of them active. ...that's all ended.

 

My family (wife/parents) think that I must have MS. Or Parkinson's. Or ALS. Or something else they've found the symptoms for on Google. Why? I can't sleep more than 2 hours. I frequently feel as if I have a band of some kind around the middle of my forehead. My digestion goes from wrecked with diarrhea, to fine, to constipated. My hands shake. A lot. I have random muscle "twitches" all over my body, some days having a few, some days having them constantly. If I grab something after being still for a while, my fingers often twitch in response. I ache at times so badly that I want to cry...and I very rarely cry.

 

I take Zofran now nearly daily for nausea. My calves often feel numb, as if they've gone to sleep for good. My brain is in a fog much of the time, and I often make silly grammatical errors while typing that I NEVER make (such as typing their instead of there, or fair instead of fare, etc). I sometimes feel a sudden feeling of distance from reality, and fear I'll pass out. I never do, but it scares my wife to death. That feeling actually prompted an ER visit the first time.

 

I can't blame anyone in my family for thinking I have some neurological disorder; I now feel as if I'm a 70 year old Parkinson's patient. It's impossible to keep up a positive vibe, and not let my mind wander to "Is it withdrawal symptoms - they nearly all fit - or do I actually have something seriously wrong". The logical part of me reminds myself that I have no actual muscle weakness or atrophy that many of the "real" disorders are associated with, and I was perfectly fine before I stopped taking Klonopin. But, all the same, it's impossible not to look at my 6 year old and be absolutely terrified that it's something else. I'm actually comforted by the fact that I have tinnitus - ringing in my ears - which is a symptom that really doesn't fit much else. Sad, huh?

 

I'm scared. Seriously so. I've never felt out of control before physically, and every day seems a new adventure in misery of some sort. My doctor is apathetic. I tried going to the ER early on and they...gave me a week's worth of Klonopin. I can't imagine, in retrospect, anything worse that they could have done. I write this at 5:30 a.m. Because I can't sleep. Again. I've slept 2 hours of the past 24, which is normal these days.

 

...it's been months. I don't SEE an end in sight. Yes, some days I have less muscle twitches/spasms. Yes, some days I don't have as much pain. But then...it comes back. I'm just tired. In more ways than one. Nothing seems fun anymore, and I feel as if I've aged 20 years in a few months. ...so I did a Google search and - eventually - found a forum for benzo withdrawal that is still active.

 

And here I am.

 

Hello.

I found this site because, after several MONTHS off of Klonopin (after being on 2 mg per day for several years to help maintain anxiety and keep my blood pressure down), I am at the point that I feel completely hopeless. I've gone from an active 39 year old guy who was a 5-day per week weightlifter to someone who *might* get out of the house once per week.

 

Why did I stop? My previous doctor dropped my insurance, and I was sent to a new doctor that doesn't believe in prescribing benzos. The old doctor wouldn't even accept me as a cash patient, having signed an exclusive contract with Humana. I live in Florida, and the crack-down on narcotic prescriptions had made many general practioners gun shy about prescribing ANYONE benzos. I suppose that I fall within that group. Ironically, my previous doctor didn't even put me on Klonopin. A physician's assistant did. The doctor just signed the prescription. As a matter of fact, in a couple of years going there...I never even saw her. Not once. My new doctor's office - down the road - calls her the mystery lady, as other patients referred there have reported the same.

 

So, back on topic, my "new" doctor prescribed me .5 mg's twice a day for a month, and then nothing. He was confident that 30 days was more than enough time for anyone to recover from Klonopin, advising me to just break the pills in half the last two weeks. I did so, finally running out after 5 or 6 weeks. I probably don't have to mention that he made it clear - in the 45 second evaluation I was given at my initial appointment - that he could care less. Just another number; sign the paper so we can bill your insurance, and I'll see you in another month.

 

So where am I now?

 

As mentioned, previously I was the definition of active. I bench-pressed 350 pounds, frequently did "farmers walks" (walks carrying 45 lb plates in each hand) and was cheerful most of the time. My wife and I have 3 kids, and I would constantly try to keep all of them active. ...that's all ended.

 

My family (wife/parents) think that I must have MS. Or Parkinson's. Or ALS. Or something else they've found the symptoms for on Google. Why? I can't sleep more than 2 hours. I frequently feel as if I have a band of some kind around the middle of my forehead. My digestion goes from wrecked with diarrhea, to fine, to constipated. My hands shake. A lot. I have random muscle "twitches" all over my body, some days having a few, some days having them constantly. If I grab something after being still for a while, my fingers often twitch in response. I ache at times so badly that I want to cry...and I very rarely cry.

 

I take Zofran now nearly daily for nausea. My calves often feel numb, as if they've gone to sleep for good. My brain is in a fog much of the time, and I often make silly grammatical errors while typing that I NEVER make (such as typing their instead of there, or fair instead of fare, etc). I sometimes feel a sudden feeling of distance from reality, and fear I'll pass out. I never do, but it scares my wife to death. That feeling actually prompted an ER visit the first time.

 

I can't blame anyone in my family for thinking I have some neurological disorder; I now feel as if I'm a 70 year old Parkinson's patient. It's impossible to keep up a positive vibe, and not let my mind wander to "Is it withdrawal symptoms - they nearly all fit - or do I actually have something seriously wrong". The logical part of me reminds myself that I have no actual muscle weakness or atrophy that many of the "real" disorders are associated with, and I was perfectly fine before I stopped taking Klonopin. But, all the same, it's impossible not to look at my 6 year old and be absolutely terrified that it's something else. I'm actually comforted by the fact that I have tinnitus - ringing in my ears - which is a symptom that really doesn't fit much else. Sad, huh?

 

I'm scared. Seriously so. I've never felt out of control before physically, and every day seems a new adventure in misery of some sort. My doctor is apathetic. I tried going to the ER early on and they...gave me a week's worth of Klonopin. I can't imagine, in retrospect, anything worse that they could have done. I write this at 5:30 a.m. Because I can't sleep. Again. I've slept 2 hours of the past 24, which is normal these days.

 

...it's been months. I don't SEE an end in sight. Yes, some days I have less muscle twitches/spasms. Yes, some days I don't have as much pain. But then...it comes back. I'm just tired. In more ways than one. Nothing seems fun anymore, and I feel as if I've aged 20 years in a few months. ...so I did a Google search and - eventually - found a forum for benzo withdrawal that is still active.

 

And here I am.

 

Hello.

Add extreme mania and this sounds like me. Doc told me I had fibromyalgia and gave me more benzos though. Do you fit this criteria? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania

 

Robb

Hello sgij,

 

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much, but the reality, though unpleasant, is quite simple - you are 3 months off of a fast taper from klonopin.  The way you feel now, as awful as it is, it the way most of us (including me) felt at 3 months off.  In other words, normal for the circumstances. You are not in protracted withdrawal.  The average recovery time for folks here is about a year.

 

So, distract yourself with whatever gets your mind off your symptoms for a little while.  Do this over and over until it becomes a habit.  Allow time to pass (it will, anyway.)  Time is the healer, and the only way out is through.

 

 

 

 

A very long and detailed post. Welcome! I know it is hard for you to even write here as before I never would have either.  I can't really say much that will help but I can say that eventually everything will subside. Being how the kolonopin worked for you (as it did for me) without turning you into a zombie it could be very hard to quit. For those of us who still lead normal lives before when we come off we feel as though there should have been nothing wrong with taking their pill in the first place. That your new doctor simply took you off is horrid. Yes many health care professionals are unaware of the ramifications, but to completely discount your previous doctor is akin to herasey in their medical world. Since he didn't give you the time of day you may wonder "is this the doctor for me?". Personally I've always found doctors to be largely unsympathetic but still rational in their thought process. I hope you get to feeling better. Welcome to benzobuddies.

Hi and welcome. Sorry you are suffering so. Everything you talk about are classic w/d and recovery symptoms from K. As megan said you did a very fast "taper"....not really a taper. MS and other neurological disorders are very common misdiagnoses during benzo w/d and recovery. I urge you to read the Ashton Manual if you haven't already and to share it with your wife and parents. The link is in my signature. Also there are some really good "benzo recovery tips" that can be found at psychmedaware.com, the link in my signature as well. These tips are invaluable for both you and your family. Written by someone who has been through this and who knows Dr Ashton. So a credible source.

 

Sadly many of us used to be very active before this happened and we will be again but the side effects temporarily keep us from being active the way we used to. Debilitating fatigue is a very common s/x in recovery. I used to run and mt bike and most days early on I could not walk up a flight of stairs without sitting down. This does not last forever nor do the other symptoms. They will all leave with time.

 

There is also a forum on BB that is for supporters of people who are recovering from benzos. Perhaps your wife or parents might want to join BB and talk about this with other supporters. Here is the link. This forum was started by BB member pattylu. http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=57732.msg1011221#msg1011221

 

This will get better and you WILL recover. Read the Success Stories and post for help when you need to.

 

All the best, mandala 

Another FL buddie.....several of us in the Orlando area and a few down south and in the Tampa area as well.

 

I am close to your age and I know exactly how you feel. I was right there in your shoes 2 years ago. I still have some cognitive deficiencies but overall I am much, much better these days. It just takes time. Sometimes a lot of it, but time does heal.

 

If you are a few months off you are in prime time for benzo wd. Most people get hit with acute wd right around that time. It sucks but the worst of it usually passes pretty quickly.

 

If it is any encouragement I was SUPER sick until about 5 months off, but by 10 months I was back in the gym a couple of days per week, and I was back to a 4 day per week workout schedule soon after the one year mark. You will get there, just takes time.

Hey another Florida person here. We are gonna heal. I've talked to too many people on this site that have healed or are on their way to healing.... We gotta have faith. I know exactly how you feel as I am in the early stages too.. I was just crying an hour ago thinking this is way to hard and plus I'm working on no sleep. I am trying to be positive and use positive affirmations.  I'm in my mid thirties also and have a great hubby and 3 gorgeous kids. Sometimes I don't connect but I know that is gonna pass.  Stay strong and chin up!! Like many say on here we will heal and its true!!!!!

I really appreciate all of the responses. Sorry that my initial post was so long, but I was a Lit major in college, and therefore can get a bit wordy at times.  While I wish that none of you guys also shared these symptoms, it is comforting to know that others are picking themselves up each day while suffering through a similar experience. I suppose that sometimes it's just overwhelming; by and large, I've lived a pretty healthy life. I've never even broken a bone, and I don't smoke, drink, or do any kind of illicit drug. I've never been the type who has had any difficulty with motivation, and now it honestly - as bad as it sounds - feels like a serious task to drag myself into the shower every couple of days.

 

My wife is supportive, and I'm lucky in that...although some days, it almost makes things worse, because I feel like I'm letting her down. That's one of the most difficult things about this, having no patience with my children or snapping at them or my wife because I'm in agony and/or haven't slept in a day. That just isn't me, and it's very hard to stay optimistic when you feel like you've become someone else. I've looked up the physiology behind all of this, but it's still hard to imagine that things can "misfire" in your brain to give you the kind of muscle spasms and twitches that this causes. And starting to finally drift off, only to have your arm jerk straight up suddenly is absolutely maddening. It is what it is, though, and the things I've heard some of you say do give me reason for optimism.

 

Thank you; this is exactly what I was looking for by coming here. I'm glad to be a member of this community.

You are welcome and you are a lot stronger than you realize.....all the best, mandala 

Well, for what its worth, ur intro was excellent!

I really appreciate all of the responses. Sorry that my initial post was so long, but I was a Lit major in college, and therefore can get a bit wordy at times.  While I wish that none of you guys also shared these symptoms, it is comforting to know that others are picking themselves up each day while suffering through a similar experience. I suppose that sometimes it's just overwhelming; by and large, I've lived a pretty healthy life. I've never even broken a bone, and I don't smoke, drink, or do any kind of illicit drug. I've never been the type who has had any difficulty with motivation, and now it honestly - as bad as it sounds - feels like a serious task to drag myself into the shower every couple of days.

 

My wife is supportive, and I'm lucky in that...although some days, it almost makes things worse, because I feel like I'm letting her down. That's one of the most difficult things about this, having no patience with my children or snapping at them or my wife because I'm in agony and/or haven't slept in a day. That just isn't me, and it's very hard to stay optimistic when you feel like you've become someone else. I've looked up the physiology behind all of this, but it's still hard to imagine that things can "misfire" in your brain to give you the kind of muscle spasms and twitches that this causes. And starting to finally drift off, only to have your arm jerk straight up suddenly is absolutely maddening. It is what it is, though, and the things I've heard some of you say do give me reason for optimism.

 

Thank you; this is exactly what I was looking for by coming here. I'm glad to be a member of this community.

 

If you live in the US you can try a product called zzzQuil  for sleep. I take a cap of that and two 300mg pills of melatonin and get 7 to 9 hours each night. Plus it gives you some wild dreams.

Well I was also told I might have ms. Three MRI later I have wd. I'm suffering something awful too. Hang in there.

Hey Jax,

 

You sound a lot like me. I'm at 6.5 months off from a CT of Klonopin and I am totally and completely spent. The sort of exhaustion I am feeling makes me think of what 80 and 90 year people must feel like after they try to sprint. Just remember to take it easy on yourself and read the boards here if it makes you feel more connected to people going through the same thing as you. I know I'm going to try and connect with some people here in Tucson just to have people to talk to face-to-face so I don't feel so alone. And, TAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF. I used to be just like you man, I took so much pride in how much more I could run, lift, and do than anyone else. I'm a musicians too, so the biggest thing for me was being able to practice guitar 8-10 hours a day, now I barely touch it and I'm house-bound and I know people are wondering why it's taking me "so long" to recover and get back to life as it used to be. You are not alone in this fight. Just remember that. Hang in man.

Everything you mentioned is benzo wd.  The good news is that you will heal from it.  The sxs often appear to be like those of someone with MS.  You will get better and will be 100%.  Its not a linear process though and that can be very frustrating.  One day you may feel okay and then the next day you are sick. 

 

Welcome to BB

 

GG

I am four months off. I have a lot of neurological symptoms. I feel good today but the months have been rough. I am in a window. A wave is likely to still hit me. Please understand that benzos change your brain's architecture and it will take some time to get back to normal because those types of changes can take a long time. Don't be concerned that the below post is under "drug abuse", it applies to chemical dependency as well.

 

http://www.drugabuse.gov/news-events/nida-notes/2012/04/well-known-mechanism-underlies-benzodiazepines-addictive-properties