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The light at the end of the tunnel.


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Withdrawal can be a funny thing. Did I just say that? What I meant to say was, the end process can be funny. It can be and was all sorts of things to me, but in the end, it was all worth it. I am just happy to say that it is long over for me.  It was just over a year ago in the month of October 2011 that I found myself on the verge of complete insanity. Insanity? No really, I was very close to that extreme diagnosis. I had completely lost myself in a matter of 2 weeks. I had no clue what was happening to me. Why did out of the blue, I go from living what I would call a normal life to all of the sudden be ill stricken with so many symptoms; symptoms that I can only describe as being a medical emergency. If you are reading this, you already know what symptoms I am talking about. There are just too many to list. Ask me if I had this; ask me if I had that. More than likely, I will tell you that I did. But, guess what. They are all gone now. I am happy to finally say that they are all history. They have been for over 2 months now. I just haven’t set out the time to put this in writing. I can now say: I AM COMPLETELY HEALED FROM BENZODIAZAPINE WITHDRAWAL. My name is Kurt and this is my success story.

 

I can remember how I felt when I was at loss at what I was going through; the troubling thoughts, the physical and mental agony, and worst of all … my detached spirit. For the first time in my life, I had felt defeated. Prior to knowing what was happening to me, I was jumping from doctor to doctor, endlessly checking in on what Google told me I had based what symptoms I was typing in. Until at the very end of that dark tunnel, I found out that I was in tolerance withdrawal from a drug that was supposed to be helping me with my (at the time) troubling anxiety. But buried deep within all that self-doubt and fear, was a sense of liberation and an overall sense of joy.  And with the proper attitude, I brought those good feelings to light.

 

I can’t begin to tell you how much strength I needed to find to get myself up each morning and go to work and face the many challenges each day had to offer. But somewhere inside I knew I had to and that I was going to be OK. I knew that I did not want to give up and that I wanted to live. I wanted to fight through all the pain and get back to how I once felt before I got sick. There were many times that I began to question my ability to fight on, and the endless questions along the way. “Will I be like this forever? Maybe the doctors missed something. Maybe this isn't withdrawal from valium”. Going through the torment of doubt and question was a very hard aspect for me to deal with. I needed constant reassurance from this site and also from myself. So, what did I do? I did the only thing I could do and knew how to do. I let time pass.

 

Persistence. Positivity. Tenacity. Confidence. Enthusiasm. Those are some powerful words and most that helped me move forward. But the most valuable word I always came back to was, time. Time, in my case, truly did heal all, as it did for so many others that have recovered before me. There were no short cuts for me. Certainly there were many things I did to make my recovery process easier to deal with, granted it was never a piece of cake, but in the end, time was the ultimate healer. My overall process was a roller coaster. Sometimes I would get worse before I got better. I was good one day, to be thrown in a complete spiral the next. I went on weeks like this and even months. On top of all the troubling symptoms, my mind was twisted from the feelings, but also not knowing how I would feel each day. I could barely recognize myself anymore and the things that were going on within my own mind. But I knew that I was getting better. I could just feel it and I knew that one day I would be right where I am now, writing this success story.

 

I believe I am just over 8 months off and my life has changed dramatically. I am doing things that I had once only dreamed of. I went back to school last year and am in the process of getting my bachelor’s degree in business. (I soon hope to open up my own optical or tea/well-being place). I am living outside of my house and going where I want to, whenever I want to. I haven’t had a panic attack in over 6 months and my anxiety is practically nonexistent. That is something I thought I would never say. It is clear that most of my anxiety for those many years was caused by the pill that was supposed to be helping me fight it. In a weird way, I am glad I went through withdrawal. It made me a better person. I am humbled with who I have become and very thankful. Conquering the challenges I faced along the way and fighting through all the pain and suffering was well worth the struggle.

 

Yes, withdrawal is funny. When I first started my process, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel normal or how I once did. But now, I have forgotten all about withdrawal. I even forgot how I felt prior to withdrawal. Looking back on that long list of symptoms I once had, I now think to myself "Did I really go through of all that". The truth is; I feel incredible, better than I can even remember. I am grateful for each day I get to spend on the beautiful planet and even more grateful to be here writing this too many who are where I was last year and to those who helped me along the way. I am forever indebted to such a wonderful community and lifesaving information that Benzo Buddies has to offer. So, to anyone reading this who is struggling, keep fighting, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

 

Energy and persistence conquer all things. Be well.   

 

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Hi Frontsider

 

What an amazing journey you have been on. It is truly fantastic that you are now able to post such a positive outcome.

 

I hope that before the end of the year I will also be able to tell a similar success story. We need people like you stick around on the forum for a while to give hope to those who are still struggling.

 

Hugs to you

 

DP xx

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Hi,

 

yes I do have some questions.

Did you ever feel it was completly hopeless?

That you didn't want to be here on the planet?

That you had lost your self and your life?

That there was no one who could help you regain that,

not even yourself?

Were you ever so lonley that you couldn't tolorate it/

 

That you just didn't know what to do with your self during the day?

Did you have to stop work and stay home or did you have the routine and

daily contact with others at work?

 

I honestly can't see how this will ever get better or be over.

I have no choice but to carry on the best I can as i have two

beloved children who need me--a solo parent.

I do the best I can for them and that does not seem enough.

I want to have hope--don't really even recognise my old self or strengths right now.

 

did you go through that and come out of it.  I t sems that you had a good optomistic attitude

which I wish i could find in my self.

 

Thanks so much !!

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Kurt, my friend, it's so heart warming to read your story. I feel so happy for you. You've always showed much strength in this journey, even at those times it was just too hard. I've appreciated your attitude all along. I'm sure that was a huge factor in your healing.

 

Carpe Diem - seize the day! I just know you're going to use your considerable suffering as a light in the world. You have much to offer. I know you will use it well. It was a pleasure to share this road with you.

 

To beauty -

Much love,

Flip

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Hi,

 

yes I do have some questions.

Did you ever feel it was completly hopeless?

That you didn't want to be here on the planet?

That you had lost your self and your life?

That there was no one who could help you regain that,

not even yourself?

Were you ever so lonley that you couldn't tolorate it/

 

That you just didn't know what to do with your self during the day?

Did you have to stop work and stay home or did you have the routine and

daily contact with others at work?

 

I honestly can't see how this will ever get better or be over.

I have no choice but to carry on the best I can as i have two

beloved children who need me--a solo parent.

I do the best I can for them and that does not seem enough.

I want to have hope--don't really even recognise my old self or strengths right now.

 

did you go through that and come out of it.  I t sems that you had a good optomistic attitude

which I wish i could find in my self.

 

Thanks so much !!

 

I went through all of those things. You better believe it!I felt all of that every day. Even though I had a lot of optimism through my recovery, it was by no means an easy feat. There were many days where I had lost all optimism, I had lost all hope and so badly just wanted to give up. I was so very alone. So many days I would not leave my bedroom. Because, honestly I felt like I was so sick that I couldnt. I hurt to move, my head was spinning, my body and hands shaking. Where was I to go? Well, when I had to, I forced myself. I can remember many times driving to work and having to pull over. I actually took side streets to work every day because the free way was just too much for me. I called in many times sick too. I wanted to just sink away and disappear. Life really felt as if it wasnt worth living in my current state. But I knew that I wanted to live so badly. I knew that my life was beautiful at one point and that all the joys and wonderful feelings were there. So I fought every day despite the uphill battle that took place for over a year. And little by little, that hope started to appear. And boy did it grow! As time went on, I got better and better. There were plenty of times that I took 2 steps back before I got better, but in the long run it was just a day by day process in which I only moved forward.

 

I was where you are at now. And I could only dream of being where I am at now. But that dream truly helped me. I held on to that hope. I held on to that dream; to be able to write my success story and now its a reality. It sure feels great. The smile on my face is huge and I know you will get there in time. So dont give up!

 

I can give hope. I am a prime example of someone who went through a lot of pain and suffering and came out well. I survived! I am free and feel wonderful.  Be good to yourself and keep pushing forward like a bull dozer. Dont let it beat you because you will survive too and once again reclaim your life.

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I remember you Frontsider.  I am so glad you are well.  I am 12 months off now and while doing a lot better (85-90% there) I am still struggling with a few symptoms here and there.

 

Everyone says in the end they feel better than ever and I can't wait to write my own success story and say that.

 

Did you struggle with any driving issues?

 

Good luck and enjoy your life!

 

Warmly,

TG

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Thanks frontsider! Great to read.

 

When was your most difficult time - during your taper or after?

 

My struggle was during my taper by a long shot. The first few months were testing as well, but by no means were they as hard as my taper. When I was off was when I could tell I was healing as I got better each month. My taper was a roller coaster. I got windows in my taper, but they opened and closed constantly.

 

Turtlegirl. I did struggle with driving issues. I had to take side streets to work because i was so dizzy all the time and it was scary being on the freeway. So glad that is over with.

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Thanks Kurt.

 

I really enjoyed reading your success story, we became fb buddies but i never wanted to bother you with questions, i wanted to let you just be and not have to rake over the past... although you posted before and i always admired your persistence.

 

You made it, you are healed and that is terrific.

 

I am really happy for you and i needed this tonight, so many seem to suffer in this for so long, so to read this now and again in the future will be a reminder, to myself and many others that this does end, so grateful to you for sharing this with everyone.

 

I am getting there too, i can feel a change is happening but it is slow and the future looks uncertain but i am starting to feel some hope like i have not before, i dream of being where you are at and yet somehow, i think it will happen, your story gives me hope anyway.

 

Well done and thanks a million.

 

Oscar

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Hey FS,

 

That is such an uplifting and heart warming story.  I love everything about it :) 

 

You have made my day, and expect many others with your whole healing.. Carry on doing what you are doing and enjoy that authentic life.  You will go far, I know it.

 

Hugs,

 

Betsy xxxx

 

 

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Wow, I didnt know about tolerance withdrawal!

I had gastric bypass back in 2002, and have major absorbsion issues.

I develop a tolerance to things very quickly.

I'm beginning to wonder if all the panic attacks, crappy physical feelings were a result from tolerance withdrawal.  I honestly thought I was dying.  :(

Thank you for sharing! I learn something new on these boards everyday.  ;D

 

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Thanks so much for your honesty, words, sharing and encouraging us Frontsider.  All the best to you & congrats...I am a few months short of 3 years and honestly still waiting for alot of the mental/emotional to go, boy THAT sure is a mindbender after this long I can tell you......Please pray for the rest of us left still waiting for our healing

 

Sincerely, Rucoco

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Hi Frontsider, you xont even imagine how much your this words help me, specially today when after a month off Valium Im stil suffering and today was a bad day for me , thank you, thank you so much for give me hope, I need to take my life back , and have confidence in that everything will pass and I will also be able to share my sucess story one day.  Again thank you!!!!
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Frontsider, reading this is so beautiful - you're an excellent writer and I loved every word. It came from your heart.

 

I am so, so very glad that you have overcome this - of all the success stories I have read, yours hits home the hardest. I can relate - I remember when I first started taking the k-pin, I remember saying to myself, "Wow, I was feeling THAT shitty?" Like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I am looking forward to unearthing myself, slowly, from the mountain of crap I have buried myself in now. The first step, for me, is to believe. In something, anything. And carry that belief as though it is life itself. It takes time and time itself is so very temporary. We can still enjoy life, in between all the moments of grief and anguish and terrible feelings of despair.

 

In the current throes of tapering withdrawal, I feel this way. I have such great hope.

 

Thank you for sharing this with us.

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Frontsider,

Reading this really brought tears to my eyes. I really can relate to what you have been through. I myself am 10 months out and cant believe how well I am doing. I really cant believe I lived through all of this. It takes a super strong person to get through what we have been through. I had days where I just wanted to give up, but I pushed myself and just rode out the time. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride. I really do look at life a whole lot differently. I appreciate all of the little things people take for granted. I still have my days, but nothing like the first 4 months. congratulations to you for fighting through this. Hope it keeps getting better from here on out!

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Hey buddies, You guys are making me really happy with your kind words. it is very warming to my heart and I am glad I could share my success with all of you. Thanks so much for stopping by =)

 

I have been letting friends and family know about my accomplishment as well as others who were not aware what I went through. It is much easier to explain it all after I have made my recovery. I can thank my clear head for that. Everyone has been so supportive throughout my process, it was nice to write my conclusion and share it with those many people.

 

Being able to come out on the other end with such an awesome feeling makes me want to cry tears of joy. Life truly is amazing on the other side. And it really seems to get better each day that comes. I have a new lease on life and I am so excited to share myself and feelings with people that I come across in my every day life. I remember when stress and anxiety was something that I not only felt during wd but before it as well. Now it has melted away and I couldn't be happier.  I used to stay inside because of the many fears I had when leaving my home (I had moderate agoraphobia that I developed before and during wd) ... and now it is completely gone. Just this weekend I met some new people and joined them at an independent pub/brewery and then went to get pizza at a different place. It felt so good to be there and laugh all while feeling an overall feeling of calmness and well being. It was so nourishing to my soul and I cant wait to do it again. I have such amazing energy that radiates off me that I almost feel like I am glowing (As cheesy as that sounds). So, naturally I just want to be out and exploring this new world. Its a wonderful feeling that has me waking up each day with a smile.

 

I look forward to reading the 'soon to be success stories' of all of you posting to me. After all, it is only a matter of time...

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Hi Frontsider,

 

Your story is so inspriring. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.  You are helping so many people.  I am going through so much pain right now.  I'm 4 month off xanax and feeling horrible anxiety, had a few bad panic attacks, trouble sleeping, and terrible horrible back pain.  My question is did your symptoms seem to get worse just before you started to really get better?  I have had several windows were I did feel better.  But when they come on they feel like the worst they ever were.  Just wondering and hoping I'm nearing the end.

 

Thank you

Sheldon

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Hey Sheldon.

 

My healing process post taper was pretty linear actually. I could be lucky in that sense. Though, I had some bad weeks in the beginning and it wass very hard for me (months 1-3) but after that, it was a monthly process of getting better and better. I noticed my change around 4 months actually and each consecutive month after I got better and better. For all I know, I could be even better by 9 months off or the month after. I couldnt imagine what that feels like since I have felt the best I have now in a very long time (pre benzos and pre anxiety) ... Hopefully you will get some relief soon. I read in your sig that you had or have tremors. I had them during wd and though that it was something else. Turns out, that it was wd related. Because I dont have then anymore. So, I think that could go away for you too in time. Stay strong and keep fighting!

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Frontsider,

thanks for your story, it is really inspiring for alot of us!  i think i'm just a few months behind you (if i'm reading your signature right), so hoping i'll be where you are someday in the near future.  your experience & conclusions are very similar to what i've slowly learned through this whole thing  - it just takes time.  thanks for taking the time to write your success story,

zeek

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  • 3 months later...

Hi Frontsider,

 

Your story is so inspriring. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.  You are helping so many people.  I am going through so much pain right now.  I'm 4 month off xanax and feeling horrible anxiety, had a few bad panic attacks, trouble sleeping, and terrible horrible back pain.  My question is did your symptoms seem to get worse just before you started to really get better?  I have had several windows were I did feel better.  But when they come on they feel like the worst they ever were.  Just wondering and hoping I'm nearing the end.

 

Thank you

Sheldon

 

Frontsider did your tremors leave you n if so how long did it take? What happened when you reinstated 2 mg Val at 2 months out ?

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hi frontsider,

thank you for your wonderful success story. it is truly inspiring for everyone.

if you look at my signature, i was on a medication for rather short time with low dosage. still, my brian was fried immediately, and could not function. my brain lacked the memory, concentration/foucs, perception/sensory, and etc..

even after taper, still struggling on those aspects. which are my biggest concern and worry. without our brain power, there's not much we can do. and, oh yes. have tons of other symptoms.

the sheer thought of not getting my old brain power is putting me into despair right now. just for your information, my brain was totally fried until 60 days ago. and within last 60 days, my brain condition is changing everyday. sigh.

will i get my old brain powers back?

 

thanking you in advance.

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