In bad trouble, please reassure me if you can

I have only been on the Remeron for 12 days, so it wont be clear if it "helps" for quite a while. The problem is, I really dont feel all that depressed, just super anxious, esp at night. Honestly, I started taking it because its supposedly sedating and I hadnt slept more than 3 hours a night fpr 5 monthes. I have a very strong urge NOT to take what I now call "brain chemicals." PTSD from benzo use.

    I am only going to take half a tab of the Rem tonight. I do not need to feed my old "a pill will help" fixation. Look where THAT got me?!?!?

Hi Eastocoast. I want to tell you that 5/6 months off feeling these symptoms (especially after a cold turkey) is par for the course. It's normal. Your body/ mind are healing.  And in my opinion Remeron as benign as you may think it is could still cause symptoms. My sleep has been restored to above average since getting off Ativan and Ambien almost 3 years ago. My sleep was really good at 1 year off and just kept improving. I haven't taken anything to aid sleep, but practice really good sleep hygiene. I'd encourage you to let your body heal on it's own.  This has been my experience.

 

Wishing you all the best for a full recovery!

Cedar 

Eastcoast,

 

I hope that the anxiety starts to lighten up on you soon. But I know how you feel. Of course, I'm still in my taper but my anxiety NEVER leaves me. It is my constant companion. I thought I was losing my mind... Now I try to reassure myself that crazy people never realize they're the crazy ones...  I don't know. Haha. But it helps me.

 

Njoy,

 

I had no idea that benzos had an antihistamine type effect. My eczema has recently come back full force. My hands are so swollen I can hardly bend my fingers at times... Thanks for mentioning that. I think that explains my sudden flair up.

hi eastcoast,

 

you are so sweet. i could feel your wave. i know what it was like for me at 5 months. i didn't sleep at all during the night for 4 straight months and i was hallucinating all the time. i started to just accept that and was actually having some fun with all the hallucinations that were starting to compete with one another if you can believe that one.

 

so i got some remeron and i took it for about 7 days. for my brain i felt that it deaden every receptor and my brain was and still is beating and pounding so feverishly. i took Cedar's advice and just stopped the remeron right then and there before i was on it for too long--and then i would have to taper from that. i actually was thinking about taking 1/2 tonight because i haven't gotten good sleep the last two nights--but then i don't know? i really want the brain to heal without any thing else blocking that.

is why i am having so many difficulties whether or not to stay on a natural progesterone? i only take some excedrin or a bayer aspirin when i get those awful pressure headaches.

 

are benzo's like an antihistimine? i also take some benedryl if i need to. still on the suboxone opiate and will taper from that when i am better. oh it's only been 9 straight months that i've been lying in bed all day long.  even though i went out for the first time the other day 

 

and my little ezcema has also been flared up around my chin.and all my symptoms right now are kinda nagging which i think is a good thing? ~ except for my brain, it's still very raucous.

pretty

Pretty:  i can't remember who said it so i can't source it and I know I read it on here so I can't confirm it from another source but I did read that benzos had an antihistamine type effect and when you came off them... those hystamines could really become a problem... I thought that was why I got relief from the head aches/pain/pressure by adding them... the antihistamine has helped but i have no idea how it will affect my long term sx or how advisable it is.  Perhaps someone a little more knowledgeable will read our posts and be able to offer more.  I'm encouraged to hear that you are taking benadryl and if it has not caused any problems... that is reassuring... EC:  I'm thinking about you and wishing for you a good day.  Today is not the best day for me... I've started my next cut and I can feel interdosing sx starting to have their way w/ me... awful burning in my back, muscles cramping and twisting into odd wretchedly pain distortions... nothing much is helping... I've fallen twice today... I've been drinking a lot of water and took a calcium tablet.  Wishing for everyone some peace in your day. 

I really really like you guys. Such thoughtful responses.Thank you one and all. You gave me so much info and ideas I cant begin to address all.

In a bad bad BAD wave. Constant, it-never-lets-up fear and anxiety.What the hell am I so afraid of???!!!

Did get out to Walmart for groceries and my shopaholism nearly got me. Since this began I was "stocking up" with groceries and household stuff of all kinds...blew my budget badly. This past month I had to live 3 weeks without a single cent to my name! And today, once again, I found myself filling the cart with stuff "I might need", but dont need now. Thank god I realized this, and took back to the shelves a bunch of stuff. When I got home and lugged it in from the car, realized a couple items I paid for...I really do not need, but it was better than before! The biggest "extra" was Bruno Mars CD. That song of his - "Locked Out of Heaven" has been playing ever since this wd began. Its become sort of my theme song. OK, that was $12....oh well. I am leaving in a minute to take my old beater car to have 4 new tires put on. This shop is privately owned and the owner is very kind about extending credit to people. I can just afford 2 tires, and he will finance the other 2. Boy are they needed. I am down to the non-rubber part.... I made a deciasion to start caring for this poor car better. For 4 monthes I gave it to a dear friend - the bipolar, sweet man - the hoarder, for those of you Ive pm'd... he didnt know how to take care of it, plus I personally neglected it for 2 years. But this car, a beat up Hyundai, has been amazingly reliable, which I really believe was a gift from my God.

But its time to try to take better care of it. Yes, this will be another poor month. Oh well. Public transportation here sucks. Badly.

    So I am keeping busy despite feeling really awful, antsy, scared, - the sensory symptoms have come back full force. The skin sensitivity is just awful! Tinnitis. My darn gums itch (no lie!) Hearing is painfully acute. Food tastes totally bland and feels squishy. Oh I could go on and on but I will spare you, most of you know how this feels anyway.

    Can someone recommend another benzo support forum to me??? NOT that I am leaving BB - oh NO! Not! Just feel a need to expand a bit, hear others thoughts and advice on this miserable stuff. I thinnk it will be mind-expanding or something.

I heard Facebook has some that are good, anyone know the names??? I would really really like to find one based in the USA but so far havent found one. We are so backwards about benzos here.

    Bless all of your dear hearts.

 

EC"  I'm so enheartened... taking care of business! We see such little glimpses of each other's lives... It's good to remember sometimes that somehow we manage to persevere through this... cars need tires, groceries need buying...and somehow we have to pull it together... really not much different than many other anxiety disorders... just takes days to plan, so much energy to accomplish...  You are asking the right question, I think.  What are we so afraid of???  It always gets down to the fear.  Well, I don't know... its still boggles my mind that anxiety can cause such intense psychical sx... but I've read about intense fear doing the same so i guess i shouldn't be so surprised.  I'm so glad to know you have "real" support in way of a friendly mechanic.  There's no public transportation here... not in the entire county.  I had a Hyundai for awhile...  really liked it... reliable until it wasn't.  Itchy gums... you got me there... haven't had that, I've had pain and discomfort.. brushing more, but softly ...  I tried the Benzorecovery board.  I haven't posted there.  I found it good for information but did not feel comfortable interacting, as I do here. i couldn't do this on fb.  At the moment, I'm looking for more clinical information. i think you mentioned a book that sounded good. I want to go back and check your posts.   

hey chickie

Bliss Johns "Benzo-Wise." Reall really excellent.

I just looked around Facebook and YouTube for support groups. Oh boy. I didnt realize YouTube publishes your REAL name, including my middle initial. I just basically told the entire worl I am in my 5 th month of benzo wd. Pissed!!! Tried to change my user name and it wouldnt let me. I am not interested in a "chat" room, it moves too fast for me. Too anxiety-raising. Looking for BB's cousin, I guess. Sometimes I feel I post too much here, am too needy..? I know in my rational mind its not true, but I feel this way anyway.  I have some other reasons, perhaps will pm you.

I hope and pray you are ok. I'm trying.

Oh. The car needs new tie-rods. Another $400 which I really do not have. The owner is a very nice man who grew up near Cambridge (MA) where I used to live. He actually gave me credit for only paying half of the tires today. Next month will have to pay the rest, but...an angel in disguise, no? Lord I hate being poor.

Hi ec62. Im at five and half months off basicaly a c/t of xanax. Lately, that "fear" has been lurking with me. Its not real intense but is constantly there. I had a 17 hr window x-mas eve/day and since then the sx's gradually returned but are not as fierce. The dr mostly left (thankfully) but this seems to have taken its place.  urggghhh!  Btw, In my opinion no such thing as posting to much. If it helps, great.

 

eastcoast,

 

i wanted to share my experience with the 1/2 pill of remeron i took last night--with you. i personally will never be taking that medication ever again and i am tempted to start a new post about it because the experience was so intense and bad and freaking me out.

obviously that medication is not for me and i can't tolerate it which is weird because when i first got the remeron in Oct. i was on it for 7 days and i felt in a stupor but nothing like what i went through today and last night.

 

so i took 1/2 of a 7mg pill. immediately fell asleep. pretty much stayed asleep all day but woke up about 4 times to extreme nerve pain in right shoulder, left heel, right big toe, coccyx and liver. (now i know why my liver has been feeling weird)

and brain felt like i did when i posted 'there is a hockey puck traveling through my brain' the remeron just made my brain go totally berserk and then it would travel around and put pressure on all those places. it was so painful! and i am still in a stupor, can't type, took , me twelve times to write stupor. totally out of it. feel like it deaden every receptor.

 

did you feel this way at all?

 

pretty

Another long night. Did sleep off and on but every time I was awake, plagued by my current worries about money. (I guess having gotten myself $200 in debt yesterday buying tires set that off. But the tires were really bad, down to the belts.)

    Remeron: One of the strange things about ad's is how differently everyone reacts to them. I decided last night that I should follow my gut feeling and get off the stuff so took a half pill(15 mg tab). I wish I hadnt started it at all but when I did, was so desperate for sleep..... and now know the Rem did NOT help that. I started it January 4. Am I being silly to bother tapering it?

    I wonder why night sweats happen during wd???  Yucky to wake up soaking wet.

    I honestly dont know if I'm depressed. What I feel isnt like any previous depression. Its more anxiety than sadness.

another long night... one night closer to spring and one night closer to benzo freedom!

This sucks big wind. I am so angry and frustrated and scared...what did I do to deserve this?!?! And not to get an ounce of support from the several physicians involved in my health care - its just not bearable.

    Latest problem is I am having trouble eating enough and thats NOT a good thing for me. Way too skinny already. But most foods taste slimey, bland, unpleasant. Only thing I enjoy is Yorks Peppermint patties and chocolate hypes me up so I cant eat a whole lot.

    Only took a half of a Remeron last night and tonight. I'm not so depressed, really, just sick and tired of being sick and tired...(Thank you AA for the little sound-bites..) I am baking rice custard, hope it stays down.

    Ventured out for a much needed hair cut. Went from shoulder length a month ago, to just-under-the-chin a couple weeks ago (MY doing) and now, well, its real short. I thought that lady had more talent than she has, oh my, I now look like my mother. But at least the hair isnt itching my shoulders. Its short, neat...just not "styled" as I pictured. Oh well.

  This is a Mother of Waves I am in.

did you not get my post about the remeron? i guess it affects everyone differently. i am still coming out of the stupor i was in by only taking about 4mg. taking two days so far. i won't be taking remeron again.

These dr's are all outside your head... you can't change them...You have enough  to deal w/ the anxiety as it is and you can't let these people exacerbate it because they will.  There are lots of reasons that we don't even discuss about why we are treated so poorly by medical personnel.  I've had them lie, tell me totally erroneous information, refuse to accept that sx were intolerable...  if i let it get into the mix of just managing sx, I really start to suffer.  Learning what I can  and  can't control really helps.  I refuse to give them the power to do anymore damage.  All they really need to understand is more realistic tapering schedules and that some people do have long and protracted, severe complications from benzo w/d.  It is not your fault they won't concern themselves.  This is about you!  You have to take care of you.  I know the anger.  I still get bitter but I can't stay there.  i t becomes too painful.  It's true they were the professionals and I for one, feel betrayed, but I try to remember this is where I am now, on the road to recovery.  Even if they did understand, there is so much i have to do myself.  "Locked out of Heaven"  Great song title,.  Slept well but woke up in a state of near panic.  Had such a better day yesterday.  Really sick to my stomach.  Talk to you all later... bountiful regards for a tolerable day.  Hope everyone got some sleep!

Njoy,

That is good advice. I have heard it before but this morning it is resonating home. Thank you. The anger isnt going away but you are si right, it gives them the power, and doesnt encourage me to move on. I'm just so damn scared, truly, of the moving on.

    My sx are worse. Could it possibly be simply because I am now just taking 7.5 mg of Remeron, not 15?? Last night was the second dose of that, was only on it 12 or 13 days! IOs that possible??? Or because I stopped taking routine ibuprofen?? Also about 4 days now. OR: is it "just a wave" How do you know? I am not sure why its so important for me to know the answer. Having control, maybe? Oh dear I am a mass of doubts this morning. Skin is burning again. Trying to fall asleep last night I was having auditory hallucinations, distortions, of the voices from the tv. Didnt help to turn the volume down. Finally I just went to sleep, fitfully. The whining in my ears is worse today too. A WAVE? What do you dear people think? Words to go by?

I don't know anything about Remeron but that seems like a big cut. Half of what you were taking.  Is Remeron a benzo? If so, it may not matter that you were on it for such a short time, the same receptors may be affected and they have plunged you back. 

Njoy, the Remeron's lowest dose is 15mg tabs, they are fairly small. I am cutting the pills in half. I think you misunderstood. How on earth could I cut smaller? Maybe I'm confused. Shoot, I AM confused, all the time.

Hi e62,

 

Any time you cut your dose of a medication like Remeron by 50%, there are going to be withdrawal symptoms.

 

Oh dear. You see, I have this fear every ,minute, every moment, of every single day.  Oh sheesh maybe I really am insane.

 

Eastcoast,  I haven't read all these posts yet, but I want to see what you think about this.  Let's say you a driving a car and all of a sudden the car in front of you slams on its brakes.  You will feel fear from that, right?  I would say it is in the same range as anxiety to me.  However, does it feel the same?  It doesn't to me.  My theory is that if you can feel that fear and it is different from the fear you feel every day, then the fear you feel everyday is s/e and will go away. 

 

As I've told you, I have fear almost every moment from when I wake up until about 9 pm every day.  I know it is stress combined with damaged gaba receptors and I should be healing.  I know there is going to be a point where I don't wake up with it.  Maybe that will be when the insomnia goes away, since I wake up at 4 AM every day.  But I know it will go away, because it's not natural. 

Oh dear. You see, I have this fear every ,minute, every moment, of every single day.  Oh sheesh maybe I really am insane.

 

Eastcoast,  I haven't read all these posts yet, but I want to see what you think about this.  Let's say you a driving a car and all of a sudden the car in front of you slams on its brakes.  You will feel fear from that, right?  I would say it is in the same range as anxiety to me.  However, does it feel the same?  It doesn't to me.  My theory is that if you can feel that fear and it is different from the fear you feel every day, then the fear you feel everyday is s/e and will go away. 

 

As I've told you, I have fear almost every moment from when I wake up until about 9 pm every day.  I know it is stress combined with damaged gaba receptors and I should be healing.  I know there is going to be a point where I don't wake up with it.  Maybe that will be when the insomnia goes away, since I wake up at 4 AM every day.  But I know it will go away, because it's not natural.

 

Hello Tab,

I am brain-foggy right now, had some trouble figuring out what you meant but finally think I got it and you have a good point. I had a mood lift today because I suddenly realized the high pitched mechanical whine in my ears, which started maybe a month ago, was GONE! Every other sx was still there, but I took this is a verypositive sign. Seems like its trying to come back, but I had several hours of not hearing it. Hope, hope. This is so totally unbelievable.

    I wrote my younger sister a week ago and tried to (very briefly) explain what I am going thru and asked if she would simply read the Wikpedia thing on Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome. Well, dead silence, no reply from her. Typical. She avoids about as well as I always have (gee, we had the same teachers!) but I was hoping maybe she would just read the damn little article. It makes me feel so alone that she cant deal with this at all.In my crazy family, I was the "damaged child," and also the "whipping boy." Its true, from age 9 and up, I was a troubled, angry kid. (Realized much later in life I was probably sexually abused, and both parents were verbally abusive to me.) So, over the years, I pulled a lot of stunts and lived up to my families expectations. And, as you dear people know, from age 20-some, I drank every night, and starting at age 31, added any pill I could get my hands on...every night. I fully admit to making a lot of dumb, destructive decisions...again, being exactly what my family already thought of me. My younger sister bought into all this, and even now (I am 62, shes 3 years younger!) she considers me a strange, mentally unbalanced sort of person. Both my parents, before they passed on, spoke with me about our history and we pretty much made amends, but neither one of them spoke with my sisters about it. So even tho I got validation from them, I just continued to be "the mentally sick sister." I guess its unrealistic to think that by asking her to read about benzos, my sister will be able to change how she sees me. But would it kill her to read it and maybe just say, "Gee, sorry you are going through that!" NO...........

    Well, I sure didnt mean to bring all this up tonight, but its typed now and I am sure someone reading will identify with some of it. As I have said before, I have a mountain of things to face, and know that right now I am not lucid enough to start the process.

    Dont want pity from anyone. As someone else said today, "it is what it is". I cannot change it, can only learn to make peace and carry on in some sort of new life. Without the drugs and alcohol, I have a fighting chance, I think.

    Peace to all.

i tried like hell to have my brother read things and have him understand what i am going through. and i am living with him right now and he can't even hear me. it's really an awful feeling.

i actully got the 7mg. of remeron. so i think that it the lowest does. i cut that in half and i couldn't even take that. i think it's a really strong drug. no doubt you're having withdrawals from that too!

I was so desperate for sleep last night I almost took another half a Remeron. I didnt and am proud of it. This life-long belief a pill helps is very strong still.

Got about 3 hours sleep. Tinnitis is back, all the usual suspects (symptoms) are in full force again without a single moments let up. I am still struggling and fighting over the question of "just accepting that everything you are feeling is an expected part of withdrawal." I dont know why this is such a huge stumbling block and feel sort of stupid for going on and on about despite everyones trying to help me! I have this idea that somehow I really am worse than most others here, and really have gone insane.

I was so desperate for sleep last night I almost took another half a Remeron. I didnt and am proud of it. This life-long belief a pill helps is very strong still.

Got about 3 hours sleep. Tinnitis is back, all the usual suspects (symptoms) are in full force again without a single moments let up. I am still struggling and fighting over the question of "just accepting that everything you are feeling is an expected part of withdrawal." I dont know why this is such a huge stumbling block and feel sort of stupid for going on and on about despite everyones trying to help me! I have this idea that somehow I really am worse than most others here, and really have gone insane.

Eastcoast, if you get a chance read my success story. You are not worse than others and others have healed fully.  I know it's hard to accept and you're right that breaking the habit of believing that pills solve all your problems is not easy.  When you've been told for so long that you need this pill and that pill to survive, it's hard to suddenly dismiss it.  But many people do fall into this trap because this is how western medicine works. I cannot tell you the freedom and health I have now from breaking free of this belief system.

 

Wishing you the best!  Head over to the success stories and get some hope, okay? 

hi eastcoast,

 

i just wrote you this long PM and it said your in box is full

Prettydaisies

I have some sort of trouble with my mailbox. I just cleaned it out again and would love to hear from you if you have the time.