In bad trouble, please reassure me if you can

I was in a little window for nearly 4 days, and it seems to be fully closed now. I am having some of the worst anxiety yet. It is now officially 5 and a half monthes since taking the last Klonapin. In that entire time, and I'm not exaggerating a bit, I have had not a single minute of relief. My windows are only "partial", a sort of lightening of mood, a bit less anxiety.

I usually dont list symptoms, believing that this gives them power, but:

-extremely sensitive skin. Anything that brushes against me gives me the creeps

-weird taste and food textures often unpleasant

-constant "looping" of a short musical phrase in my mind.

-high pitched whine in my ears, sounds electronic

-numbness of various places on body

-dry eyes

-make too much spit

-constipation

--trouble thinking logically

-poor memory

-ANXIETY and fear - this is my worst. Its constantly with me, even during the windows!! Unbearable right now, feel I'm going to jump out of my skin. Fear of...not real sure what of, it just IS, this fear.

-clenching teeth, jaw

-feel unconnected to my body

There are more, but I will spare you. These are my worst.

    OK thats enough, you get the picture. My biggest question tonight, is this, same one I';ve asked over and over since this began:

Is this "normal", at 5.5 monthes out, to feel this bad? What can I do to relieve it? (Already do positive affirmations and trying EFT now, none of it working too well..)

How can I bear this much longer? And really, deep down, the big question: Have I crossed some sort of line into real insanity?

Ok, I have said whats bothering me and I have been as honest as possible. I'm feeling near out of control here.

hi east... ugh im sorry ur having it so bad.  im no expert but im guessing part of it may be due to having had to abruptly stop at a high dosage  

 

when i got off xanax 6 years ago i had alot of the symptoms u mention & they went on for months as well.  but eventually the windows got longer and longer.

 

i dont have any helpful tips...sorry.  just wanted to wish u well & encourage you.  i know its bad.  hang in there.

Thank you for replying.

I changed my avatar thingie, the old "Scream" one was scaring me! Its odd that so many of their avatars are freaky, scary, negative. Wish there were prettier ones! I dont have the computer savvy to upload my own. I am a beginner.

u r welcome!  and yes.. if ur avatar was making u feel negative im glad u changed it.  mine just cracks me up every time i see it. 

Eastcoast, I know of a buddie that c/t'd high amounts and posted the other day that she dîdnt even get a window for almost six months but she's around 8 months now and feels good....

 

I had all of your symptoms and I c/t'd .25 and I felt that way for months....when I turned that corner my healing took place rapidly.

 

I know of plenty on here that c/t'd high amounts and suffered in mental hell for months and months and they got better.

 

I know a person right now that's 5-6 months off with your same symptoms..... Unfortunately, it's common. You aren't going insane. Do anything and everything you can to stay distracted.

 

Hang in there!

Hgac

Thank you very very much. This is exactly what I need to hear tonight. You have given me a gift.

I'm trying to stay distracted but how much more cleaning can I do around here, especially at almost midnight?? OI VEY

Hey there  I am also 5.5 months and some of my symptoms have kicked up the past 2-3 weeks. I think it is common to have a 'peaking' period,so I hear, and then see improvement. I hope this is true for both of us!!

Hey there  I am also 5.5 months and some of my symptoms have kicked up the past 2-3 weeks. I think it is common to have a 'peaking' period,so I hear, and then see improvement. I hope this is true for both of us!!

Thank you, GettingThere (great name, btw)

Wonder why it would peak this far out?

Hi Eastcoast,

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling as you are.  Yes the sxs you have listed are totally w/d, or I think of them as sxs of recovery.  You are in still early months of this first year.  Hang in there.  For me I found things started to ease some my 6th month.  I had days where life wasn't a struggle where I went outside by myself and wanted to do this.

 

I know I keep saying it over and over in my posting, but it is true.  Healing does happen to us, just at a very slow rate. 

 

I know this is frightening, I so remember the fear.  I would sit with my back to a wall in our living room, knowing that I was safe but still frozen in fear.  I would say I'm so afraid but didn't know what I was afraid of.  It is an awful feeling, I so hear you and understand what you are saying.  It goes away, when I don't know for you but it does go away.

 

You made it through another day, that means you are one day closer to getting well.  You will get well, it will happen so just keep posting and distracting and surviving.

 

love,

Sally

StillBelieving

Did you have that fear every moment of the day??? Thats how it is for me. Even my dreams reflect this weird fear. Believe it or not, my dreams are "in depersonalization." I am me, but am watching me. Bizarre.

Yes at your stage I did have some days and long nights where I had the fear for hours.  I had times where I was afraid to put my arms out from the covers in the morning when I woke. I laid on the couch afraid to even get up to use the restroom.  I was frozen in fear of leaving the living room, afraid of going upstairs to get dressed or try and sleep in a bed.  I was just afraid of living and of dying.  It was a hard stage to go through, it will start settling down and then stop.

 

I didn't dream much not until later in my recovery.  I hear dreaming is a good sign of healing.

 

Sally 

Oh dear. You see, I have this fear every ,minute, every moment, of every single day.  Oh sheesh maybe I really am insane.

Hi, East.

 

I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. Thanks for posting on my thread to encourage me. Now I'm here to encourage you.

 

You HAVE to hang on there. I know how hard it is. I do. Every day I think I can't do this one more minute but I always do. I have a buddy who is way further along than I, and she PROMISES me that it gets better. She asked me if I trusted her and I do. I mean I shared some of the scariest thoughts with her. I trust her completely. Please will you trust my friend, too?  We are about the same amount of time off ( you are a couple weeks ahead of me).

 

In you post to me you said we could hang on together so let's do that. Ok?

 

By the way, I, too, like your new avatar. It's alot less scary.

 

Hang tough, east.

PS:  listen to stillbelieving. She knows what she's talking about and she an awesome encourager!!

 

Hi, I also have the hypersalivation! I've had it on and off for years never understanding why?? Now I know:( so annoying. I think about it to and have an OCD thought of swallowing that terrifies me ( ridiculous) I still have the songs too!! At nearly 20 weeks off.. My anxiety is as yours is.. As is the fear.Just want you to know you are totally not alone. The only time in our lives where we really want time to fly! Stay positive, I am trying my best. I came off CT too so I think it makes it slot worse. Xx

WFR

Thank you....

I am just so tired of this, tired of feeling crappy and old and ill, tired of bursting into tears like right now, tired of being tired. I think it was MissMoo who said something about how we cant fly just when we WANT to....how true, at least for me.

    I want to sleep but know thats unlikely and am now craving pills, any pill, something to ease this. I guess its lucky I isolated myself so much the last few years! Dont have a single "friend" who likes her pills.

I am going to try to wind down, somehow. Will never get to sleep if I dont do that.

Still feel bad, and hope others respond. Dang, what did I do to deserve this???

seems like there are a lot of c/t's on this thread. thank you eastcoast for posting! i actually think the fact that you changed your avatar is a terrific sign of healing. i think when one picks an avatar is kinda shows where they are and ones thoughts at that moment.

i was thinking of changing mine but not quite yet. my avatar still says pain and discomfort and what i bad wave i have been in all day today. after having a slight window the other day and i even went out for the first time in 9 months!

 

i too am a c/t about 9 months ago--even though my last rescue benzo was a little over 3 months ago. it set me back. i am one of the ones kindling.

i have the same loop song of the 'The Big Bang Theory's" theme song that loops through my mind over and over. and i know when that changes, then the Gaba's have really done some healing.

 

so i am this terrible wave. the thoughts and fear are to the limit. i am filled with anxiety and any sound at all frightens me terribly.

my mother is being a B$#&H and not understanding that i am in one of the worst wave's ever. i think that's the worst when you really need someone to tell you your healing and they cover their ears because they've had enough of hearing about symptoms.

i just got some reassurance that Bliss says symptoms are a sign of healing. so i have to hang on to that right now.

and also, everytime i start a new topic to get some reassurance i seem to be the only one on the thread so then i really think i am the only one having these weird symptoms. and boy am i "in it" tonight. i am going to find my post and talk to myself!

hang in there eastcoast!

Pretty

Eastcoast, my fear was so horrible that I was afraid to move and it stayed with me 24/7 for a while. The level of w/d you're in now doesn't last forever. Things will become more tolerable.

 

I think you're doing great too!

aww....PrettyDaisies, you can always talk to me! I am truly one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet. Seems I am only hard...on MYSELF. Oh well.

 

The night ended and I'm still alive. I did get some sleep, maybe 4 hours. I had a moment of clarity: Whats going on is simply, simply, a WAVE. I cannot help it, sometimes I wonder if going thru this cruel thing is some sort of "test." Because, really, having a little window and being  able to get an idea of what healed will feel like, and then going into a major wave -  is very cruel.

 

Something else occurred to me - I have been taking the Remeron the new psydoc prescribed Jan 4. Thought it was helping me sleep better. Also, have been taking ibuoprofen 400 mgs every 4-6 hours in the idea it was lessening symptoms of wd.

And recently started taking Magnesium 500 mgs, mostly for bad constipation.

 

OK. Pills ruled my life for 30 years and in my twisted little druggie-mind, "a pill will help you. Pills make you feel better." Blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. Well, these pills are probably not truly helping, its been more like "magical thinking".

Maybe I should start to taper the Remeron (I will never again take any chances with brain chemicals...I havent been on it long, but....better safe than sorry: Taper.)

and definitly lower the ibuprofen dose. Its hard on the stomach, anyway. And last night is proof that it isnt helping symptoms.Any thoughts on this? Anyone?

 

I survived a bad night. Am back at baseline now, which isnt pleasant but better than last night.

 

Thank all of you for reading and trying to help.

 

And PrettyDaisies, ya dont need to talk to yourself.....talk to me.

Hi Eastcoast I was gonna comment on your avatar actually I'm glad u changed it bc it kinda was reflecting what your going thru. I'm gonna be a flame bc I'm trying to burn thru all this crap and bc I'm a Leo and a fire dragon on the Chinese horoscope . I have brain fog like I'm in a dream and crazy head and body pressure , wooziness and dizzines . . Hope your day gets better . I'm with ya !

Yes, one lady in particular could not take NSAIDs (ibuprofen ).  Everyone responds differently to remeron, does it seem to help at all??

I have only been on the Remeron for 12 days, so it wont be clear if it "helps" for quite a while. The problem is, I really dont feel all that depressed, just super anxious, esp at night. Honestly, I started taking it because its supposedly sedating and I hadnt slept more than 3 hours a night fpr 5 monthes. I have a very strong urge NOT to take what I now call "brain chemicals." PTSD from benzo use.

    I am only going to take half a tab of the Rem tonight. I do not need to feed my old "a pill will help" fixation. Look where THAT got me?!?!?

Eastcoast,  i have found  relief by treating whatever sx is most bothering me at any given moment... I think I said this,  but, it took me about three months to remember i could treat the dry, itchy eyes w/ eye drops.  Now, its one less sx.  When my jaw clenching destroyed my first mouth guard, I got another... now that one's disintegrated, as well, but my jaw is a lot better.  The guards gave me a chance to work my bio feedback skills and I've been able to break the loop.  Anxiety... well... as long as I'm not out in public, I'm all right.  I have a litany of small things that help when I'm home... none really works but they keep me busy and I think I'm doing something positive for myself...I know, you've heard it before... hot baths, warm milk, massage, stretching, mindful breathing, to name a few.  I have no steadfast answers for anxiety... it remains my most persistent sx.  Head pressure, I've decided is related to the fact (or proposed fact) that benzoes have an antihistamine quality and when they are removed, the body responds by creating histamines unimpeded.  With that in mind, I started taking very small, not very often (to see what would happen) of an antihistamine and my headaches, head pain and head pressure seem better.  My philosophy behind treating one sx at a time is I feel so horrible most of the time that if I can relieve just one little thing, it helps me to feel better.  If I can lighten my mood, I can manage remaining sx. better. 

Njoy,

That's a really good idea thank you for sharing it.

 

Molly