Jump to content

Driving in the Left Lane- pianogirl's Story of Healing and Hope for all of You!


[pi...]

Recommended Posts

In my life I experienced anxiety, the normal type that comes with life these days due to the stresses of our lifestyles. I dealt with my parent’s death, job issues, family dynamics and other disruptions that in our society we find necessary to deal with.  I never felt the need to treat myself with any kind of medication for the anxiety; I was able to work through it knowing that it would pass as the situations resolved.  Fast forward to my experience with benzos and the worst anxiety and panic that I could imagine. That is the reason for the title of my Success Story.  When I was having terrible panic and anxiety and needed to drive somewhere I always drove in the right lane so I could bail out if necessary. And there were times it was necessary, many times.

 

Now I’m driving in the left lane again. You will too!!!

 

I have actually been through withdrawal twice. I was initially put on Ativan for a supposed middle ear issue by an ENT who spent less than 10 minutes with me. The doctor gave me a prescription for Ativan and said the condition would clear up. After a 2nd opinion from an ENT I was scheduled for a comprehensive vestibular test for which I could not be taking medications like Ativan. My doctor assured me that because of my low dose that I could discontinue the Ativan with just possibly some flu like symptoms. I stopped taking Ativan and descending into a hell like I have never thought possible. I was shaking, my head hurt so bad I cried, I had awful stomach problems, and I was so dizzy that I could not walk without holding on to the walls. I had DP and DR, the world I knew looked so foreign and strange. The worst was the panic attacks. I would try to go to the store with my husband and once inside the store I would have to turn around and have him help me out. I ended up staying home and in bed and crying, crying.

 

My GP wanted to run tests so I went in and almost fainted after the blood tests.  My doctor said he really didn’t know what was wrong with me. When I asked if it could have anything to do with the Ativan he said no, since I had been off for 2 weeks and it was completely out of my system. My husband had to take me out of the office in a wheelchair because I could not walk. I had an MRI of my brain and it was normal and the blood work showed I was very healthy.

 

I had no idea I was in withdrawal, I didn’t know what a benzo was, sure I had heard of valium but I didn’t know that Ativan was in the same family. Should I have known, possibly, but more importantly I should have been informed by my care givers.

 

This was my first withdrawal. My doctor recommended antidepressants for my “anxiety” and I resisted for a couple of months. After much soul searching I decided to try one because of my intense desire to get well. I tried a few with my GP and they all made me ill with serious effects. At this point I decided to seek out an “expert” to help me with my “anxiety” problem. This was my first experience with a psychiatrist.  He immediately put me on clonazepam.  I felt better at the start and subsequently I was put on many different medications.  I began to be afraid to try any more because of the intense side effects and also because I decided to start to read up about these meds and many of them were used “off label” for anxiety. Bells started going off in my head and I began reading more and more. I did ask the doctor about the safety of taking clonazepam long term. He assured me that I would not encounter any problems because I didn’t have an addictive personality. At this point I still didn’t know about the recommendations for short time use of benzos.

 

I quickly reached tolerance and was ill for a long time. I asked my psychiatrist about my symptoms and he said it sounded like withdrawal and advised an increase in dose, I refused. He also suggested I get some medical tests because he couldn’t see a psychological reason for the anxiety and therefore he surmised it must be biological.  I underwent many medical tests, some of them fairly invasive.  At the time I was also being treated for nerve damage and disc degeneration in my cervical spine. I had many steroid injections not knowing about their cross tolerance to benzos. Many of the procedures I had were done with conscious sedation (valium). I also had fusion surgery at C 5-7.  I really wish someone would have said something to me, between all the doctors I saw, I wish one had spoken up. After I completed my crossover to valium I had shoulder surgery for a torn bicep tendon and tears in my rotator cuff.  The anesthesiologist was very frank with me about long term benzo use. Why didn’t I hear that years before?  I was tapering at that point and dedicated to ending my benzo use. I wish there were more doctors like this person who wasn’t afraid to speak up to a relative stranger, someone she just met to perform the anesthetic for the surgery.

 

I did finally find a doctor that agreed that the medication was making me ill. I took the Ashton Manual and he and I planned the crossover to valium. He also discontinued all the additional medications that the naturopath started me on, primarily hormones and thyroid medication. Upon completion of my taper my hormones and thyroid levels returned to normal.

 

My taper was rough; I only had the Ashton Manual as my guide at this point. I was able to work through the taper and made it to the end. Surprisingly I felt really good for the first 2 weeks off and then I got hit. I had a myriad of symptoms and so much pain both nerve and muscle. I had just about every scary symptom there was and had all the fears that accompany withdrawal.

I found Benzo Buddies and just read posts for quite a while.  Needing more help and support I decided to join. This is where I received more information about withdrawal and met people who knew what I was going through. I was certain I would be one of those that healed in the 6 month range. After all, I was on the tennis court 2 weeks after gall bladder surgery. Not so. I became discouraged many times.

 

Distraction helped me so much, movies, books, puzzles.  I was also getting more and more interested in the science behind withdrawal and the mechanisms that are affected by benzo use. I did a lot of reading and came to the conclusion that my body would heal on its own, in its own time.

 

My bedroom was my oasis the summer of 2011 and BB was my lifeline. I read books on forgiveness to forgive myself for allowing these medications to enter my body.  I have yet to forgive the doctors and my new doctor said I have no need to do that, it was not my fault. I took baby steps, driving, shopping any activity. By the end of the summer I was riding my bicycle. I encountered many waves, usually after a lovely window.

 

As time progressed I became more and more functional.  I have continued to work except for some time off during the summer of 2011. I saw my 1 year anniversary come and go with many improvements. I traveled some even while having symptoms. I probably could have written my success story a few months ago but I have been really busy with life. Plus, there is always that little voice that says “what if you are not totally healed”. Get out of my way withdrawal fears!

 

I am so extremely thankful for the support of all my buddies here; you are near and dear to my heart – all of you. I know without a doubt that this process would have been so much more taxing without you.

 

I know how hard this is, I know that it is tiring but the end result is so worth it.  We are meant as humans to feel things, not have feelings suppressed by a medication.  We are meant to cry when we are sad and laugh when we are happy.  I missed these things.  They are all back, please know they will be back for you too.  I will happily share the left lane with all of you brave, strong and caring people.

 

:smitten: :smitten: pianogirl  :smitten: :smitten:

 

edit: typo

  • Like 1
  • Love 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is wonderful, Piano Girl! I didn't not realize you had CTed once and tapered once. What a journey this has been for you. It made me angry to read of the ignorance and lack of knowledge and communication of your doctors.  A ten minute appointment, one or two lines on a prescription pad and your life goes upside down. I'm really sorry.

 

I'm so happy you've healed! Thank you for your uplifting story and for all you do here!

:smitten:

Flip

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have happy tears running down my face.

 

Congratulations Pianogirl... thank you for sharing this hope, it is always a huge thing to read a new success story, i am thrilled you have you back again.

 

I think many others will be too.

 

Oscar  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is wonderful, Piano Girl! I didn't not realize you had CTed once and tapered once. What a journey this has been for you. It made me angry to read of the ignorance and lack of knowledge and communication of your doctors.  A ten minute appointment, one or two lines on a prescription pad and your life goes upside down. I'm really sorry.

 

I'm so happy you've healed! Thank you for your uplifting story and for all you do here!

:smitten:

Flip

 

Flip,

 

Thanks so much for the reply.  Yep, how I wish I had never walked into that ENT office. But you know, in life we don't get a Mulligan.  I always thought I was a pretty strong person until withdrawal knocked the wind out of me. I do know now that I am stronger than ever and my prespective on life is much different. (healthier)

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have happy tears running down my face.

 

Congratulations Pianogirl... thank you for sharing this hope, it is always a huge thing to read a new success story, i am thrilled you have you back again.

 

I think many others will be too.

 

Oscar  :smitten:

 

Happy tears are good Oscar, in fact tears are OK by me any time.

 

I am very happy and I wish the same happiness for you as well, you'll have it!!

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pianogirl,

 

Thanks for the encouraging post.  You've always been a source of help and support for me.

 

I had a similar experience driving.  I hugged the right shoulder of the road, slowed down if someone were ahead of me, sped up if someone were behind me, and turned right a lot.  Driving became such an ordeal, so stressful, I gave it up in 1975.  I was diagnosed with hyper-vigilence and tested terrible for depth perception and balance.  I couldn't walk straight, let alone drive.

 

Later I learned my fear of driving had something to do with social anxiety and PTSD.  The traffic was too much socializing for me I guess.  Shopping is an ordeal too but I'm back in the aisles behind a shopping cart.  I still do the same thing, I go down the aisles where the people aren't, not where the food I want is.  It's like I have to meditate and get in the zone to shop effectively.

 

Congratulations on graduating to the left lane.

 

Ibble

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi pianogirl, :)

 

Last week, when I didn't see your name etched in that familiar, reassuring red color, in the members online section, all kinds of different scenarios of why that was, went through my mind.  And now, to see that you have posted your success story, is absolutely sublime.

 

It has been a long, painful, confusing journey for you, but look at you now.  You have healed, and your life will be as beautiful, and inspiring as an awesome Mozart composition.  You are a wonderful, and extremely kind person.  Your concern and compassion for ALL the members who come to this site, is so very real, and genuine.  You unselfishly give of yourself so that others who are struggling and hurting can take solice in the knowing that they are not alone in the confusing journey that lies ahead of them.

 

I wish you all the happiness that your heart can hold. 

 

pj

 

 

     

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pianogirl,

 

Thanks for the encouraging post.  You've always been a source of help and support for me.

 

I had a similar experience driving.  I hugged the right shoulder of the road, slowed down if someone were ahead of me, sped up if someone were behind me, and turned right a lot.  Driving became such an ordeal, so stressful, I gave it up in 1975.  I was diagnosed with hyper-vigilence and tested terrible for depth perception and balance.  I couldn't walk straight, let alone drive.

 

Later I learned my fear of driving had something to do with social anxiety and PTSD.  The traffic was too much socializing for me I guess.  Shopping is an ordeal too but I'm back in the aisles behind a shopping cart.  I still do the same thing, I go down the aisles where the people aren't, not where the food I want is.  It's like I have to meditate and get in the zone to shop effectively.

 

Congratulations on graduating to the left lane.

 

Ibble

 

Thanks Vribble,

 

Everything takes time.  Initially I would plan my shopping route in advance in my head. I knew where everything was in the store.  I only bought enough to put in my own bag and do the self checkout.  I celebrated the first time I wasn't anxious at the grocery store by visiting every aisle. It gets better, let time heal your central nervous system and your confidence will grow.

 

PG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PG

 

Driving has been one of my biggest hurdles. I get dizzy/boatyard at intersections & on the freeway. While I have improved a lot these last several months (Ambien free 10 months tomorrow) I still struggle with anxiety induced dizziness in certain situations. The intensity & duration of these episodes has gotten a lot better. But, I won't consider myself healed until it goes away completely and I am able to function as I did before all of this madness.

 

At what month did the driving improve?  What was helpful to you regarding that?

 

So thrilled to see that someone with this same issue is doing so well. Congrats!  Thanks for your story!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi pianogirl, :)

 

Last week, when I didn't see your name etched in that familiar, reassuring red color, in the members online section, all kinds of different scenarios of why that was, went through my mind.  And now, to see that you have posted your success story, is absolutely sublime.

 

It has been a long, painful, confusing journey for you, but look at you now.  You have healed, and your life will be as beautiful, and inspiring as an awesome Mozart composition.  You are a wonderful, and extremely kind person.  Your concern and compassion for ALL the members who come to this site, is so very real, and genuine.  You unselfishly give of yourself so that others who are struggling and hurting can take solice in the knowing that they are not alone in the confusing journey that lies ahead of them.

 

I wish you all the happiness that your heart can hold. 

 

pj

 

 

   

 

Hi ya pj,

 

Your words always bring tears to my eyes, good tears.  Thank you for such an eloquent message.  You know speaking of music, I do hear it more clearly and have a greater love for it now than ever before.  That was a missing link for a while. Now the links have joined together.  This is one of my favorite quotes about music:

 

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind,

flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

 

Yes, my life was a confused mess for a long time.  If I can help someone through this as I was helped by so many here then my heart truly will be filled with joy. 

 

BTW, I didn't disappear. I was off visiting the most beautiful grandbaby there is - mine.  :smitten:

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PG

 

Driving has been one of my biggest hurdles. I get dizzy/boatyard at intersections & on the freeway. While I have improved a lot these last several months (Ambien free 10 months tomorrow) I still struggle with anxiety induced dizziness in certain situations. The intensity & duration of these episodes has gotten a lot better. But, I won't consider myself healed until it goes away completely and I am able to function as I did before all of this madness.

 

At what month did the driving improve?  What was helpful to you regarding that?

 

So thrilled to see that someone with this same issue is doing so well. Congrats!  Thanks for your story!

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

Driving anxiety improved gradually for me.  It took me a full year to just get in the car without thinking about it and planning my route.  I was determined to not be reliant on people (my husband mostly) to drive me everywhere.  I had enough of that during my first withdrawal and when I was in tolerance.

 

I did many things to make driving doable. I talked to my symptoms. I let them know that I knew they were there but I was still going to go about my business. Sometimes I'll admit I even yelled at them. I did deep breathing, especially at the traffic lights. I also tried to focus on pretty things whether it was the trees, the mountains, the sky, whatever.

 

You'll get the point where getting in the car and driving is nothing to even worry about.  You are doing well to drive already on the freeway, pat yourself on the back for that.  Every day you get closer to healing.

 

PG  :smitten:

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pianogirl,

 

I am so happy for you !  Your experience of c/t, reminded me so much of what I went through.  It seems that so many doctors have the idea that AD's or another benzo will eliminate symptoms for people. I know that the anti depressants caused such bad panic attacks that I wanted to climb under the bed, and stay there.  :(  I remember that time after the bad c/t, like living in a dark hole....just trying to survive each day.  I had no information at that time about benzos and w/d, so I ended up right back on librax.  Finally, I found out about the proper way to come off of these drugs.  It has been a long journey...and if my gi problems would heal...I think that some of my remaining symptoms would improve.

 

Your life seems full and happy, again.  I want to thank you for all that you have done to help others here at BB. 

Wishing you the very best in life, always !

 

Love, :hug:

Sunny girl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pianogirl,

 

I am so happy for you !  Your experience of c/t, reminded me so much of what I went through.  It seems that so many doctors have the idea that AD's or another benzo will eliminate symptoms for people. I know that the anti depressants caused such bad panic attacks that I wanted to climb under the bed, and stay there.  :(  I remember that time after the bad c/t, like living in a dark hole....just trying to survive each day.  I had no information at that time about benzos and w/d, so I ended up right back on librax.  Finally, I found out about the proper way to come off of these drugs.  It has been a long journey...and if my gi problems would heal...I think that some of my remaining symptoms would improve.

 

Your life seems full and happy, again.  I want to thank you for all that you have done to help others here at BB. 

Wishing you the very best in life, always !

 

Love, :hug:

Sunny girl

 

Hi Sunny girl,

 

Yes, there are many similarities in our stories. I can understand that I didn't know I was in withdrawal. I still fail to see how the doctors didn't recognize that.  Of course, I know that it is hard to find a doctor really knowledgeable about the long term impact these medications have on the nervous system.

 

Its now in the past. At least my present doctor is understanding about the withdrawal process and even wanted a copy of the journal I have kept. She is planning to show it to medical students, every small step can help.

 

I wish you good healing for your GI issues and thank you for the lovely thoughts.

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PG

 

Typed my last response on my phone and made a couple typos.

 

Not driving on the freeway yet.  It is one of my new year's resolutions.  I have pushed my driving "bubble" to the point where I can drive about 10ish mins away from my house.  I do what I can to avoid long, busy intersections as those give me the most trouble.  I do drive somewhere everyday.  Some days are better than others.  It has gradually improved over the months.

 

Glad to hear this has improved for you.  I get scared sometimes and think I am stuck with this.  I try to drive myself as much as possible, but if I have to take the freeway or drive more than say 15 mins in any direction I get some help.

 

Still struggling with anxiety in crowded places, new situation and hot (temperature) places.  It is amazing to me how something so mundane can trigger anxiety.  So weird.  Visually I can tell my CNS gets overloaded really easily also.  The canned food aisle at the grocery store still sends my senses into overdrive.  It too has improved.  There was a time not that long ago I had to use the grocery cart as a walker to do my shopping.  Now I still feel some degree of the dizzy/overload feeling but can manage better.

 

Your story really resonates with me.  Thanks for your response :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations PianoGirl.  This is such great news.  Thanks for sharing your story.  You mentioned that you had terrible joint and muscle pains.  Do you remember when these subsided for you?  That and "doesn't make sense that I have this anxiety, anxiety" are really my last couple of big challenges so it is always good to see a success story where bad nerve/muscle/joint pains were resolved.  Not that I would ever want anyone to have those symptoms but to see that they do indeed resolve is always helpful. 

 

May the rest of your life be filled with joy,

 

Thank you for being here, helping, succeeding, and administrating.

 

Always grateful,

M

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations PianoGirl.  This is such great news.  Thanks for sharing your story.  You mentioned that you had terrible joint and muscle pains.  Do you remember when these subsided for you?  That and "doesn't make sense that I have this anxiety, anxiety" are really my last couple of big challenges so it is always good to see a success story where bad nerve/muscle/joint pains were resolved.  Not that I would ever want anyone to have those symptoms but to see that they do indeed resolve is always helpful. 

 

May the rest of your life be filled with joy,

 

Thank you for being here, helping, succeeding, and administrating.

 

Always grateful,

M

 

Hi M,

 

The muscle and nerve pain was one of the longest lasting symptoms for me.  I had always been a physically active person and so this was difficult for me to adjust to.  I tried to be as active as possible and I will admit sometimes I did overdo things.  The pain would ebb at times and other times be very strong.  Even this past summer I had a bad episode of pain. It felt like my insides were being squeezed and it just hurt to move.

 

The burning went away first, it left March 2012.  The muscle and nerve pain finally resolved this past fall.  I know how frustrating it is to live with this kind of pain, I wondered if there would ever be a time when I didn't hurt.  This whole process was the most painful, the most fearful, the most awful thing I have ever gone through before.  Its over now and it will be also for you.

 

I know that without the support of the wonderful people I have met here and the good information I received as well as how much I've learned I'm not sure how well I would be today.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So happy to hear of your success!  Your story inspires me and gives me strength to continue this battle.  Thanks for your support to so many who are hurting. God bless you!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations Pianogirl. I'm so happy for you.

 

Could you tell me when you think you finally started making a big turn?

 

Hi Hockey Boy,

 

I would have to say the turn began this fall.  I found myself thinking less and less about withdawal.  This is because I think for the first time I was not having regular symptoms.  My mind was really clear, I was really happy and enjoying all the parts of my life. I had a lot of hits to my cns with the death of a friend and other issues. I felt I handled these things the way a healed person would.

 

Now I think of withdrawal as being in the past rather than the present. 

 

I know this will happen for you as well.

 

PG  :smitten:

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

pg,

 

Thank you so much for posting this. What a great title!!

 

This story is a wonderful example of how withdrawals can change who we are. You were a high functioning woman, with a full life and these drugs brought you to your knees. You became someone you didn't recognize. That's frightening. Now look at you, you're back to a full and happy life. You're back, your in the left lane and I couldn't be more proud of you.

 

Yours is a story that so many of our buddies are in the midst of right now. Hopefully they will now see how they too will get back to life. This does end. It is temporary.

 

Thanks pg. You're a wonderful example for our buddies.

 

Much love and thanks,

Hope :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

pg,

 

Thank you so much for posting this. What a great title!!

 

This story is a wonderful example of how withdrawals can change who we are. You were a high functioning woman, with a full life and these drugs brought you to your knees. You became someone you didn't recognize. That's frightening. Now look at you, you're back to a full and happy life. You're back, your in the left lane and I couldn't be more proud of you.

 

Yours is a story that so many of our buddies are in the midst of right now. Hopefully they will now see how they too will get back to life. This does end. It is temporary.

 

Thanks pg. You're a wonderful example for our buddies.

 

Much love and thanks,

Hope :smitten:

 

Hope,

 

Thank you so much for this message. You are so right about being changed. Now that I look back I don't even recognize the person I was.  I feel released from some horrible cocoon that was keeping me from flying free.

 

Hey, there's room in that left lane for you too. I've left a big space for you.

 

Love to you my dear friend,

 

PG  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

pg,

 

Thank you so much for posting this. What a great title!!

 

This story is a wonderful example of how withdrawals can change who we are. You were a high functioning woman, with a full life and these drugs brought you to your knees. You became someone you didn't recognize. That's frightening. Now look at you, you're back to a full and happy life. You're back, your in the left lane and I couldn't be more proud of you.

 

Yours is a story that so many of our buddies are in the midst of right now. Hopefully they will now see how they too will get back to life. This does end. It is temporary.

 

Thanks pg. You're a wonderful example for our buddies.

 

Much love and thanks,

Hope :smitten:

 

Hope,

 

Thank you so much for this message. You are so right about being changed. Now that I look back I don't even recognize the person I was.  I feel released from some horrible cocoon that was keeping me from flying free.

 

Hey, there's room in that left lane for you too. I've left a big space for you.

 

Love to you my dear friend,

 

PG  :smitten:

 

I'll be in the left lane very soon, thanks to your story and all the wonderful members who have taken the time to write a success story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...