You can do this!!

I haven't been around for a very long time.  Been busy living life and trying very hard to forget my benzo hell.  For some reason, I have felt very compelled to come back and offer support to those still tapering and suffering.  I thank God for my complete recovery and feel the need to help others going through what I went through.  I think the news of celebrities on benzos and some deaths from that..has brought it back to the forefront of my mind.  You can and will heal from this.  It just takes time and a great deal of determination to get back to the pre-benzo you.  You can and will do it.  If I could go from laying in the fetal position in a mental hospital...to winning the Customer Service Rep of the year with my company in two years...you can do it too.  I know you feel like you will never recover...I did too...but you WILL!!  Hang in there and don't let anything stop you from getting off this poison.  Life can and will be good again...I promise!

 

Lots of Love and Support,

 

Jen

Jen, you are wonderful person for coming back here and telling your story of recovery. There are a few people here who are suffering greatly right now, and your words are exactly what they need to hear.

Thank you !!

Linda

Jen,

 

It's so good to hear from a benzo survivor who has recovered. :yippee:  Thanks for visiting us!

 

Can I ask what benzo you were on and what method you followed to get off?

 

Also, can you tell us what if anything you felt helped you with your recovery and how long did it take before you felt like your old self again?

 

I'm almost three months benzo free and the recovery has been slow going.  I'm dealing with a host of GI problems that I developed while tapering off of Valium.

 

Looking forward to chatting with you!  I have lots of questions!

 

Sandy

Thank you!!!!  We need success stories and am grateful you came along.  Any more info about your story would be great.  By the way, congratulations on your achievement.. that is something to be very proud of.  Janus Jones

Thanks for the replys!!  It feels so good to be off that poison and to beat it!!  To say you have survived benzo withdrawal is a great accomplishment.  I typed out my story today for someone else and I'm going to copy and paste it here so you can know a little more about me. 

 

Here goes....

 

Several years ago I had a situation happen that caused me to believe that my oldest daughter may have been molested (She wasn't though).  She was only about 4 years old.  I was understandably upset and very anxious.  I went to my doctor and asked for something for the anxiety.  He prescribed Buspar.  I had a horrible reaction to that medication and ended up in the emergency room.  They said I was having a panic attack and started me on Xanax and Prozac.  I was stoned out of my mind for about a week and realized that when I walked out of Kmart's dressing room in my bra...LOL  I stopped cold turkey.  Even only being on that drug for a week caused me to have horrible withdrawal.  Fortunately it only lasted a couple of days.  I wish to God I would have stopped there.  I allowed them to make me believe I had panic disorder.  I didn't...don't...and never will have panic disorder.  I continued to take the Xanax but usually only at night and sometimes during the day if a stressful situation came up.  That's when I started having panic attacks.  They were caused from the boomerang withdrawals caused by Xanax.  It is such a short acting medication...the panic attacks were caused by withdrawal.

 

Anyway...fast forward 5 years.  I got very hurt on my four wheeler and had to have knee surgery.  After the surgery they put me on Percocet and Vicodin for the pain.  I stopped the Xanax completely being afraid of ODing myself.  The combination of these drugs caused me to have severe insomnia...so I quit the pain pills and reinstated on the Xanax.  Now the Xanax did the opposite it was doing before.  Instead of relaxing me...it amped me up.  For three months I probably didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night.  I kept going to the doctor telling them I thought I needed off the Xanax and they just kept making my prescription stronger.  I was a basket case in tolerance and that last week before the hospital I didn't sleep at all.  Went back to the hospital and they said they couldn't admit me for insomnia.  It was so much more than that.  I had dropped 17 lbs, couldn't sleep at all, couldn't eat, my mind raced so fast I couldn't watch TV or read or hold a conversation.  It was the closest I ever want to come to hell.  There was no escape...not even in sleep.  I was desperate and started having thoughts of suicide.  After all, nobody was listening to me and I wasn't getting any better.  That's when I decided to check myself into the mental hospital.  Big mistake although in hindsight it may have saved my life.  At this point I absolutely refused to take any Xanax and was going through pure hell of withdrawal.  They reinstated me on Klonopin.  From January to March I tapered myself off.  Once I was off all their drugs...I started feeling better.  It wasn't over night and it took a lot of work on my part.  I was severely agoraphobic at this point and couldn't even stand the thought of going to the store.  I started forcing myself to do little errands and do little things I used to do.  Eventually, I got better.  By that August I was back working full time.

 

I never had another panic attack until I started this new job and the training was very intense.  Like an idiot, I decided taking Klonopin a couple of times wouldn't hurt anything.  I suffered two panic attacks because of that.  Small ones mind you...but I haven't taken another benzo and haven't had another panic attack. 

 

I am doing very very well now.  My experience is a distant nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Tonight I saw that Heath Ledger died from an accidental overdose of pain pills and benzo's.  I read where he was telling someone how he couldn't sleep and Ambien just let him sleep about one hour.  That could have been me talking.  I just want to hug him and say...I know...you just wanted to sleep.

 

Anyway, that's my story.  I hope in some small way I can give hope to someone suffering like I was.  I promise you...you will get better.  Take one day at a time...one step at a time...one breath at a time.  This will all be a memory soon and you too will be coming back to help others I hope.

 

Take Care,

 

Jennell

 

thank you for taking the time to share.  as you know many people have a hard time here and profit from seeing others have had a hard time BUT they do recover.

 

it sounds like you are doing well for yourself - i am happy for you.

Jennell,

 

Thank you for your story.  When the days are dark and gray (like today) we often lose sight of the hope we have on brighter days.  They come and go so fast. 

 

It is so encouraging to hear that someone could go back to work and function in the real world again. 

 

Congratulations and wishing you the very best,

Ts

Jennell,

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.  It was very similar to what I went through.

 

I'm so glad you recovered and are living a normal life again.  It really gives us hope that one day we will be better again too.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Sandy

Jen, that sounds an awful lot like my story too, especially starting with your trip to the er and wanting to be admitted and being told they don't admit for insomnia. It's hard to get across that it is so much more. Night after night of zero sleep, the weight loss, the despair, the total inability to remotely enjoy anything, and finally the thoughts of suicide. At my local ER, where I went to and told them all this, the doc patted me on the head and said. "go home and relax. Insomnia never killed anyone." to this day i want to hurt him, lol!

The next day, a neighbor drove me 1.5 hours to a psych hospital, and I had myself admitted on a 51/50. And I can definitely say it saved my life. Though it is how I ended up on Klonopin and on this website.

 

You would do near anything to sleep, and when in such a state of near-psychosis, that included thoughts of suicide. That was how I saw it.

 

And I had the same reaction as you when Heath Ledger first died. The ambien and 1 hour sleep. That was me!!

That poor soul.

 

Thanks for being here.

Linda

 

 

Linda,

 

My psychiatrist said the same exact thing to me.  "No one dies from insomnia".  Jerk!

 

I feel so sorry for Heath Ledger.  I'm sure the benzos is what did this to him.

 

Sandy

Jen,

 

Did you suffer from GI problems due to withdrawal?

 

Sandy

Linda,

 

My psychiatrist said the same exact thing to me.  "No one dies from insomnia".  Jerk!

 

 

 

 

I still almost can get over that. For all he knew, I could have driven home and killed myself. I was certainly in the frame of mind to do it. 

For all he knew, I could have driven home and killed myself. I was certainly in the frame of mind to do it.

 

 

Me too!  That's how I ended up in the hospital and almost detoxed.  I was bad,  Really bad.  My deepest darkest days ever.  Never want to go back there.

 

Sandy

For all he knew, I could have driven home and killed myself. I was certainly in the frame of mind to do it.

 

 

Me too!  That's how I ended up in the hospital and almost detoxed.  I was bad,  Really bad.  My deepest darkest days ever.  Never want to go back there.

 

Sandy

 

Me too Sandy. The absolute pit of Hell. To this day I'm amazed that I came out of it! We won't go back. We will never go back!!

Jen,

 

Did you suffer from GI problems due to withdrawal?

 

Sandy

 

If you mean not being able to eat...yes.  I lived on peanutbutter sandwiches for 3 months.  Breakfast lunch and dinner.  It seemed to be the only thing I could stand to eat.

 

For all he knew, I could have driven home and killed myself. I was certainly in the frame of mind to do it.

 

 

Me too!  That's how I ended up in the hospital and almost detoxed.  I was bad,  Really bad.  My deepest darkest days ever.  Never want to go back there.

 

Sandy

 

Me too Sandy. The absolute pit of Hell. To this day I'm amazed that I came out of it! We won't go back. We will never go back!!

 

Amen to that!!  I asked the doctor how long can you go without sleep before you die.  He rolled his eyes and said "You don't die from lack of sleep...you'll just pass out and go to sleep".  I know I went 7 days without any sleep at all.  That last day is when I checked myself into the hospital.  They gave me Klonopin, Ambien and Ativan.  My blood pressure was already only 73/54.  I said...do you think that's a very good idea since my blood pressure is so low?  The guy said...do you want it or not.  I said..."At this point, I don't care anymore".  I took them fully expecting to die.  I laid in bed trying my best to remember The Lords Prayer.  My mind was so gone at that point...I couldn't even get through it even though I've gone to church my whole life.  I just kep repeating...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...I will fear no evil...over and over and over.  At some point, I passed out.  They apparently had a change of heart about the intelligence of giving me all those drugs and proceeded to keep waking me up about every 30 minutes to take my blood pressure.  Geeeezzzz.

 

 

Jen

  They apparently had a change of heart about the intelligence of giving me all those drugs and proceeded to keep waking me up about every 30 minutes to take my blood pressure.  Geeeezzzz.

 

 

Jen

 

Sorry to laugh, but that's funny. In an irony sort of way.

Gosh, you give them credit for having intelligence and a heart!  You are too kind, especially after what they did to you.

 

 

Can checking into a psych hospital help when you are in tolerance withdrawal and your symptoms are so severe?  I am finding it so hard to taper and am basically a basket case after a c/t and reinstatement...I am 9 months into this mess....how do you taper with the withdrawals being so bad?  Can they give you something to help...Love, Pebbles

I truly would not recommend checking yourself into a psych hospital unless you are having thoughts of hurting yourself.  They treated me like I was sub-human.  It was not them that helped me...it was my own research and finding others like me that were getting off that crap that helped me.  The only thing they helped me with was switching me to Klonopin from Xanax.  They are not about getting off drugs...they are about pumping you full of more.  Of course I can't speak for all of them...only the one I was in.

 

I recommend more...education...research...support...healthy living...deep breathing...praying a lot...and pure grit and determination.

 

Love,

 

Jennell

thanks...so you were able to stabilize on the Klonopin and taper off without to many horrific symptoms?  Love, Pebbles

i love this thread - there is so much learning material on here - you are an inspiration to many

thanks...so you were able to stabilize on the Klonopin and taper off without to many horrific symptoms?  Love, Pebbles

 

No...no I wouldn't say that at all.  My symptoms were still pretty horrific.  While in the hospital they also forced me to take Effexor and I ended up having to get off that crap too.  The Klonopin did help me sleep a little bit more...maybe four or five hours a night...which is a whole lot better than zero!!  Once i was completely off the drugs....I seemed to start getting better and better.  It was not over night and I was so agoraphobic I could have very well curled up into a little ball and continued to stay terrified of life in general...but I forced myself to continue on.  I forced myself to go to my daughter's school...all the while absolutely freaking out inside afraid of....I really don't know what I was afraid of....everything I guess.  Then I forced myself to go grocery shopping.  Only bought a few things and nearly passed out in line...LOL...but I did it!!!  and each time I did it..I got more confidence.  I remember the first time I drove again.  Only went around the block..but Praise God...I DROVE!!

 

As I have said before.  Getting off the drug is only half the battle.  You have scars and those scars are going to take time to heal.  Even after the drugs were out of my system...I was still afraid.  It took a lot to overcome that fear and get on with life.  We have endured a great trauma...it's only normal to come out of it a little skiddish.  Be kind to yourself and don't expect perfection over night.

 

Love,

 

Jen

 

 

Thanks and congratulations...

jen a new topic was started for insomnia - i know it is kinda specific but it is something people going through withdrawals and people recently off benzo's still struggle with.

 

if you have the time and care to post there regarding the phases you went through to get where you are - it would be much appreciated.

 

we kinda get info on how it was and were people are but some of us are not sure how to get where you are or how long it will take.

Jen,

 

I want to thank you again for taking the time to post to us.  It really means a lot to many people here.

 

May I ask how many months went by (benzo free) before you were sleeping like "a log" again?

 

Also did you have the inner vibrations and tremors?  If so, for how long?

 

Did you notice that your hormones were all messed up?  My periods seem to be all over the place.  The  hair on my body and head doesn't seem to want to grow at all.  I lost about half of ay hair during my taper.  No signs of regrowth yet and I'm three months benzo free.

 

What about weight gain?  I can't lose weight to save my life.  Many others I know who have recently become benzo free are struggling with the same problem.  What was your experience?

 

Thanks again!

 

Sandy