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Benzo Related Loneliness


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During my withdrawal, the loneliness I was feeling was unlike any kind of loneliness I had ever experienced. There was a very different quality to it, and I wanted to try and help those who are having trouble with this.

 

Many people mention how deep their loneliness is and how deep their despair seems.  I think what is going on here is that because the benzos are  chemical and electrical blockers designed to separate us from feeling our problems,  they also separate us from feeling connected to the deeper aspects of ourselves - some call it our higher - self, or Soul or Source. It would be easy to get into a discussion about the spiritual aspects of this, but here I wanted to focus on a more psychological approach. For those interested in a more spiritual and metaphysical based discussion, see a topic in Faith and Philosophy called Benzos and God.

 

I think this is why benzo-related loneliness has characteristics that are different from regular loneliness. We are chemically blocked from a fundamentally important aspect of our lives - the ability to feel - the ability to feel a connection to ourselves and to our life. Those with depersonalization and derealization know what I am talking about.  DP and DR was one of the hardest parts of withdrawal for me.

 

There is a haunting characteristic to the loneliness one feels from benzos. Besides seeming deeper and more consistent and of a longer duration, this kind of loneliness feels permanent and final.

 

I think one of the effects of being chemically blocked is a deep seated doubt that creeps in to us. We doubt it will ever end, we doubt that we can be happy again, etc. The doubt is a physiological effect of the drug.

 

From my experience with this, I think that if you are feeling this way, please try to understand that it is probably the benzos that is causing this

 

Toward the end of my taper, this loneliness went away as my ability to feel again came back. Now, that haunting loneliness is completely gone. I can feel Love for life again.

 

If you are  in wd and are feeling that deep, deep loneliness, hold on -    it will pass.    You will feel love again.

 

 

River

 

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I am going through the same thing

 

I live with my girlfriend but still get lonely although it has subsided a little with the last drop so I am really hoping it will continue to improve as my intake of Benzo decreases

 

 

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riverwolf I so appreciate your post.  you explained so much of how I feel.  I have never felt the lonllness I feel now coming off benzos and it DOES FEEL PERMENENT.  I am having longer windows now and it gives me hope that I too will get well.  I keep telling myself this is only temporary.  I have had a really sick day today but I was proud of myself for going outside enjoying the sun and sky a little while
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riverwolf I so appreciate your post.  you explained so much of how I feel.  I have never felt the lonllness I feel now coming off benzos and it DOES FEEL PERMENENT.  I am having longer windows now and it gives me hope that I too will get well.  I keep telling myself this is only temporary.  I have had a really sick day today but I was proud of myself for going outside enjoying the sun and sky a little while

 

 

Mystery

 

Your benzo-related loneliness will go away with time.

 

 

I am loving life again and feeling peace.

 

 

 

River

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  • 3 weeks later...

I wanted to offer help if anybody is having trouble with loneliness.

 

As I get further into my healing, I can see how the benzos effect our perceptions of ourselves and the world.

 

If you are feeling that deep loneliness and despair that comes with withdrawals, just know that it is related to the benzos and it will get better as you recover.

 

 

 

River

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I feel so alone. My family is here with me. Heck my children are homeschooled but I feel so distant from them. Sometimes I'm scared of them. I can't understand it. I feel like I'm not even part of this world and never was. I feel so lost. Idk
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Hi Maymay

 

This is the feeling the drug Benzo is giving to you . I can assure you once you are at a very low dose and near your completion of tapering your feelings of connection will return

 

Right now it feels  terrible  but it really does get better Have a little faith You will get better

 

How is your taper going ?

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You are not that far away from your ct Maymay.

 

 

It will get better. Benzos can do things that do not make sense. I know it's hard, it's real hard.  But it gets better.

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I'm not on any medicine right now. I had to quit ct. Three weeks after starting it I couldn't walk my legs were numb. Today makes day 88 without it.
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riverwolf I so appreciate your post.  you explained so much of how I feel.  I have never felt the lonllness I feel now coming off benzos and it DOES FEEL PERMENENT.  I am having longer windows now and it gives me hope that I too will get well.  I keep telling myself this is only temporary.  I have had a really sick day today but I was proud of myself for going outside enjoying the sun and sky a little while

 

How is the loneliness lately mystery?

 

 

River

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  • 2 months later...

During my withdrawal, the loneliness I was feeling was unlike any kind of loneliness I had ever experienced. There was a very different quality to it, and I wanted to try and help those who are having trouble with this.

 

Many people mention how deep their loneliness is and how deep their despair seems.  I think what is going on here is that because the benzos are  chemical and electrical blockers designed to separate us from feeling our problems,  they also separate us from feeling connected to the deeper aspects of ourselves - some call it our higher - self, or Soul or Source. It would be easy to get into a discussion about the spiritual aspects of this, but here I wanted to focus on a more psychological approach. For those interested in a more spiritual and metaphysical based discussion, see a topic in Faith and Philosophy called Benzos and God.

 

I think this is why benzo-related loneliness has characteristics that are different from regular loneliness. We are chemically blocked from a fundamentally important aspect of our lives - the ability to feel - the ability to feel a connection to ourselves and to our life. Those with depersonalization and derealization know what I am talking about.  DP and DR was one of the hardest parts of withdrawal for me.

 

There is a haunting characteristic to the loneliness one feels from benzos. Besides seeming deeper and more consistent and of a longer duration, this kind of loneliness feels permanent and final.

 

I think one of the effects of being chemically blocked is a deep seated doubt that creeps in to us. We doubt it will ever end, we doubt that we can be happy again, etc. The doubt is a physiological effect of the drug.

 

From my experience with this, I think that if you are feeling this way, please try to understand that it is probably the benzos that is causing this

 

Toward the end of my taper, this loneliness went away as my ability to feel again came back. Now, that haunting loneliness is completely gone. I can feel Love for life again.

 

If you are  in wd and are feeling that deep, deep loneliness, hold on -    it will pass.    You will feel love again.

 

 

River

 

Loneliness Update -

 

 

I wanted to  check in to this thread to see how people are doing regarding their benzo related loneliness.

 

I am doing much better, and hoping this post sees you improving too.

 

If you are currently suffering from the deep loneliness and despair that comes with benzo wd, I can tell you that it does pass. It is an effect of  GABA and glutamate and their receptors seeking normalization as you progress in your healing.

 

 

If you have not read Parker's paper on What Is Happening In Your Brain,  or it has been a while, I urge you to check it out. It may help you to understand why you are feeling the way you do.

 

 

Tonight, I'm listening to music, enjoying the feeling of love in my heart, and I wanted to bump this thread to try and help someone who is suffering to know that it is a matter of time before you too will be out of this awful period in your life.

 

I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I would not survive my taper.

 

 

Now, I'm 8 months out, happy, no more waves, and loving life.

 

 

Someday you will have your benzo days behind you. Hold on, and keep moving forward, and you will be happy too.  The benzo related loneliness does go away.

 

 

 

River

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This morning is difficult after another sleepless night.  Yesterday I began to deal with our house, ruined by mold, again. I could not go near it for months while I was finishing my taper and suffering so from the Acute Wd.  It has been a very long road.  Reading this post made me cry, which I have had trouble doing for a while now... cannot express...today I had decided (!) that I was suffering because of a defect in me due to the PTSD and the trauma in our lives for years.  This despair and loneliness is so overwhelming and feels so very global and final.  It seems to have no end. I am 2 months out after a 3 year taper after a C/T.  Yesterday I realized with such force how destroyed my life is and how many years were totally lost...how destructive this whole thing was to my family.  Almost too much to tolerate.  All I can do it seems is read and re-read posts like this to keep telling myself that there is hope... that someday I might not get up to such pain.  Eastcoast I here you!  You and I are similar in many ways.  We live isolated lives and have weathered a great deal.  Maymay I can relate also... It is not easy to believe this - that it will pass and this awful, total disconnect and horrific loneliness will pass.  Let's keep this thread going and keep encouraging and reminding ourselves of the message here!  Every day is a mountain to climb and endless moments of despair/pain/loneliness to overcome, minute by minute sometimes. Thank God for BB and the people here.  Thank you for this post. Let's keep it going!
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I'm a little stunned.

 

A profound sense of loneliness was probably the first withdrawal effect I had, although I didn't make the connection until I read this just now.

 

It went away for me fairly quickly, but I remember having the thought for at least a couple of weeks, and it played over and over in my mind, like a recording: "I've never been this alone in all my life."

 

An awful feeling. I hope it doesn't come back, but if it does, I think reading this will help me to keep it in perspective--and my heart goes out to everyone who continues to feel this way.

 

Thank you for posting this, River.

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Hi Maymay

 

This is the feeling the drug Benzo is giving to you . I can assure you once you are at a very low dose and near your completion of tapering your feelings of connection will return

 

Right now it feels  terrible  but it really does get better Have a little faith You will get better

 

How is your taper going ?

 

dbeam

 

I am downto 4.5 mg of Valium and still have the lonely, disconnected flat feeling.  No interest in anything.  How low we're you when you noticed this start to improve.  I am hoping for soon.  I just continue my daily cut with my goal to be free.  I do believe it has to get better.

 

Thanks for encouragement to you and Riverwolf.

 

Golden

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Im glad someone found this old post....boy, does it ever speak to me. This is, by far, the lonliest, most bone-chilling place for my psyche to be in. I cannot wait for it to truly get better.

east

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Wow, thank you for this post.  The permanence/finality you described is one of the worst aspects of it.  I do worry a bit--and quickly try to push it to the back of my mind--that this isn't just the w/d symptoms.  I have been on a multitude of SSRIs since I was diagnosed as depressed/mood disorder at fourteen (and I now realize, what fourteen year old isn't?  Disgusted with clinical medicine's rampant medicating of children.. Ugh.), with benzos coming in around sixteen, so I have to take that into consideration with this, but I feel like I have always struggled with depression.  Is it because of the meds?  Despite of them?  I don't know.  But these thoughts quickly join hands with the 'Oh my god this is NEVER going to end' feelings.

 

My "windows" don't feel quite right, if I wanted to write a list right now of all the things that are wrong with how I feel I could, however I still am having times (such as now) that last for hours, and sometimes half a day or more, where I DO FEEL SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER.  Even though I don't feel 'all right' right now, I feel MUCH better than when I'm in what seems like a neverending wave.  So I'm tyring to hang onto the little positivity I can.  But the loneliness is really intense.  I can be sitting next to my love and reach out to him, just touching him provides some validation, but I still feel so far away, like no one could ever know what's going on inside of me or know who I am (and then I get carried away with not knowing myself).  I keep seeing DP and DR here and only just now realized what they stand for.  Is this DP that I'm talking about?

 

In any case, much appreciate your post. <3  'This too shall pass' has become one of my favourite things to say to myself recently.

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Thanks River Wolf.  This is so familiar.  My physical symptoms have eased a bit today, and I am so, so thankful for that - but I am also disconnected and flat (as someone else described above) and want nothing to do with people.  I have nothing to say to them, and nothing in common.  I know this isn't really "me" (I hope), but I can't wait to feel something again...something other than irrational anger.  Just this afternoon I had brief flashes of sadness, which is weirdly encouraging.  I would be grateful to be able to cry.   
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Thank you for your time in posting this thread.

 

I feel the same way at this time. Disconnected from my kids, grand kids and people at work.

 

I will be thankful when I don't feel this way :-\

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Yes - let's keep this thread going. It was started a while back, but its something that a lot of folks identify with

 

I realized recently that Im probably half-way healed. Dont ask me how I know this, its just based on a general "lightening up" of some symptoms, mainly mental. I still have a bunch of physical stuff going on, but going on 9 monthes, Im sort of used to that stuff and can dismiss it. The mental stuff is harder, for me. The DP/DR has died back some, depression lurks about but hasnt gotten out of control. The being alone is the hardest right now, because as I "wake up" (again!) Im becoming more aware of how isolated I am. But Im not well enough or "sane" enough yet to start making new, healthier friends. So it feels like Im stuck between 2 worlds and it sucks! And I admit it, Im scared as hell about what will happen with me over the next monthes, however much longer it is. Will I be able to start living a better life? Or did the Klonapin destroy my ability to be a fully functioning person?  I know - sounds a bit looney, but I figure Ive got nothing to lose by throwing these thoughts out to you guys.

When I am a round other people (which is not much, yet-) I "fake it" fairly well. Im told I look better than I have for years, that I seem happier. But I dont feel that way, so I guess my acting skills are up to par. I still feel cut off from others (I guess that still DR going on??) and feel quite alone.

And I start  to wonder if there's something wrong with me, that the people I feel closest to I only know through their written words. I'm sure some of you have wondered about that, too.

If there had been a local support group, I would have gone...but maybe then I would never have found my way here, and I wouldnt have missed knowing you all for the world. In many ways I feel closer to some of you than I do towards my own family. I bumbled my way to BB by sheer luck, and God only knows what would have happened if I had not found this place.

I want the day to come where I get to post a success story, and to be able to completely reassure people that if I can heal, they certainly can. I'm sure that day will come. I only wish it would come sooner, rather than later.

east

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  • 2 weeks later...

After reading Parker's  What Is Happening In Your Brain , I have more of an understanding why this benzo related loneliness is so deep and traumatic.

 

The fear center of our brain is triggered, and combined with the usual depersonalization and derealization, these factors help create the unique quality of loneliness that can accompany benzo withdrawal.

 

If you are currently experiencing a deep loneliness, and if you feel that it will never end, I can tell you that it will end and that it is directly a result of tolerance withdrawal or your taper or post taper wd.

 

You WILL recover from this awful loneliness.  I was where you are at and I thought it would never end. But it does.

 

Hold on, and keep moving forward, and one day the loneliness will be out of your life.

 

You are experiencing a chemical storm in your brain and nervous system, and this is creating the illusion that you are alone and isolated from the world. As your body gets closer to normalized gaba and glutamate functions, among many other processes, you will begin to feel less fear and disconnection.

 

You will start to feel your place in the world again. You will probably begin feeling kind of flat - not bad and not good. This is a welcome state to be in after being terrorized by fear and isolation.

 

After this period, you will begin to actually feel good. You will probably go through a yo yo of feeling fear and feeling good. This is due to the process that Parker wrote about in her post, the wave and window stage that so many people experience.

 

 

By this point, my deep loneliness had left, and I was out of the worst of it. Your healing will be unique to you, but what is important to understand is that your loneliness is temporary, as long as you are heading in the direction to become benzo free.

 

 

You will be happy again, you will feel those wonderful feelings of love and joy as your nervous system returns to your pre benzo condition.  :thumbsup:    :smitten:

 

 

 

River

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