Disappointed

It has now been over 32 months since I quit rather abruptly.  I had no idea I was supposed to taper off these drugs.  I tried it myself (making 50% cuts) and lost it.  I thought a very expensive detox facility in Malibu, CA, that claimed to be experts in benzodiazepine withdrawal could help me.

 

They "helped" by switching me from 30mg of temazepam and 2mg of Ativan to .5mg of K.  I realize now this is not the equivalent.  I was on .5mg of K for 10 days and then .25mg of K for 3 days and then cut off.  The torture for 2 months straight was unimaginable.

 

I cannot express how difficult the last 32 months have been for me.  True, I have remained completely drug free.  No alcohol, no medications, no illegal drugs, no tobacco, occasionally I will have a glass of tea.  That's it.  I have fought the "good fight" so to speak.  But I have suffered for almost 3 years now.

 

I won't get into all the details and all the symptoms, the loss of my friends and family due to this, the sporadic unemployment due to symptom interference. 

 

I was a very normal, well-educated teacher and licensed therapist with constant full time employment, family and friends before all this.  I didn't even NEED the damn benzo.  I didn't have anxiety issues at all!  My doctor happened to ask me one day how I was sleeping.  I didn't have insomnia but I do tend to be a night owl.  So he prescribed me a benzo to take every night.  I took it every night because I know I am supposed to take my medication as prescribed.  I took it whether I needed it or not because there was a warning on the bottle that said I could have a seizure if I skipped a dose. 

 

The benzo did keep me on a regular sleep schedule and my doctor continued to assure me it was fine to keep getting refills and take as long as I wanted.  I had questions every time he refilled it.  You are certain this is safe?  I really don't like taking medication if at all possible.  He assured me it was completely safe and non habit forming.  In fact, he said something about it being as safe as candy.

 

In detox I was with others who were drug addicts and were completely fine after a few days...outside playing basketball.  I was reprimanded for not participating in AA meetings.  I was not and have never been drug addicted.  They told me I was in denial and would need AA meetings when I returned home because I would crave the drug and relapse.  I never craved that damn drug.  I did, however, crave relief.

 

I don't judge anyone for reinstating or for going c/t or doing a microtaper.  After what I have been through for almost 3 years now, I completely understand why anyone would reinstate or try an a/d.  I struggled with the most frightening suicidal tendencies for chronically long periods of time.  (I give the credit to God for holding me during that period of time.)

 

There are people here who have to c/t because they have paradoxical reactions.  I never had that but it happens and people have to stop the drug immediately.  I respect that choice.

 

If I had to do this all over again, knowing what I know now, I would never have gone to detox and would have crossed over to Valium and worked a slow taper...as slow as needed for me...to continue working and living my life. 

 

I also believe that the brain heals as one tapers. 

 

There is a difference between being in withdrawal for 1 year vs. 3 years...that is 2 whole more years to endure.  I am not saying those who healed by 1 year didn't suffer, but I also understand now after this lengthy process when some people need to reinstate. 

 

I have been at this for 32 months now.  I will not reinstate because I continue to heal and believe I will eventually recover.  I am now able to work full time, I am seeing a therapist, I am forming new friendships and working on repairing the damage to relationships that I caused while sick in withdrawal.  There are many phases to this recovery.  Now that I am about 85-90% healed, I have to repair and recover the loss from the last 3 years.  This in itself is stressful. 

 

I am exhausted.  I am spent.  But I will do this.  And I now completely understand why some choose to reinstate.  In any case, I think we can all agree that we have found ourselves in a terrible predicament and we could all use kindness and understanding no matter what choices we make.

 

So very well said, L123,

 

We can never know a person's journey until we have walked in their shoes

 

I'm sorry you have suffered so much and I so admire your strength and courage..

 

Betsy xxxx

Betsy, you are so right about not judging someone until you've walked in their shoes.  I learned the hard way.  A long time ago, I worked with a man who had to fly out of the office in a hurry at least every other month because his wife tried to commit suicide.  When he would confide in me and complain, I used to say to myself, " Oh, c'mon woman, get a life"  Then years later I find myself in the same situation after withdrawal from benzos.  After bearing the mental and physical pain it causes, I almost considered it, but I'm too strong of a person and then you have to think about all the loved ones you leave behind and the torment they'll have to go through.  So, ever since then, I ALWAYS bite my tongue when it comes to judging anybody.

"BB's position on reinstatement is that if at all possible, reinstatement should be avoided."

 

Probably better stated than "only an idiot would reinstate after reaching tolerance."

 

I tend to be blunt, but I mean well.  My apologies.

 

Good luck,

 

Ramcon1

Ramcon, I like your posts, you're very funny and I know darn well that you have a good heart and always mean well.  You're straight forward, honest and I find that admirable. I like it when people don't sugar coat things. I respond well to your kind of tough love. Others may not so much.

 

Sometimes people who are suffering severely need to be handled with "kid gloves". Gentleness is important, but truthfulness is also important. There is always a fine line as you've already expressed repeatedly.

 

Fortunately I'm strong and healed, so I can see that your heart is good and that you want to help others. Otherwise why would you be here.

 

Anyway, for what it's worth. I like you and your posts. Glad you're here offering support!

I have read thru as much of this blog as possible.  I cannot believe the tone some of you have taken with people who have felt the need to reinstate for the sake of their own health or their life.

 

When I first came to this site it was very sympathetic and compassionate for their fellow human beings.  Now I see where people think they know the answers for everyone and do not hesitate to tell people their opinions in no uncertain terms.  In my first months here everyone was helpful IF you asked for help.  No one told anyone what to do.  And most of all there were few, if any, judgemental people on this site.  If they were they kept it to themselves.

 

I had to reinstate, I am not ashamed that I did.  I am a 68 year old who hit a wall.  My doctor advised reinstating.  I have faith in my doctor, at one point he saved my life in ER.  I have fought the battle to become stable so that I do a slow taper.  But there is no way that I will keep track on this site just so people can ridicule the speed, be it fast or slow. 

 

I try to keep in touch with those that have need of compassion or help in their taper.  I consider them my buddies.  Sometimes they just need to talk.  I know that is my main need.  I should have quit reading this blog the minute I knew the direction it was taking, but felt that there is a group of people that need someone to speak up for them.

 

"BB's position on reinstatement is that if at all possible, reinstatement should be avoided."

 

Probably better stated than "only an idiot would reinstate after reaching tolerance."

 

I tend to be blunt, but I mean well.  My apologies.

 

Good luck,

 

Ramcon1

And who said tolerance is the only reason for reinstating.  I don't  understand the person who stings you with his poison words and then says he means well.  Is your life so perfect that you can criticize others.  Well now I have  had my say too.

 

Popcornlady

I have read thru as much of this blog as possible.  I cannot believe the tone some of you have taken with people who have felt the need to reinstate for the sake of their own health or their life.

 

When I first came to this site it was very sympathetic and compassionate for their fellow human beings.  Now I see where people think they know the answers for everyone and do not hesitate to tell people their opinions in no uncertain terms.  In my first months here everyone was helpful IF you asked for help.  No one told anyone what to do.  And most of all there were few, if any, judgemental people on this site.  If they were they kept it to themselves.

 

I had to reinstate, I am not ashamed that I did.  I am a 68 year old who hit a wall.  My doctor advised reinstating.  I have faith in my doctor, at one point he saved my life in ER.  I have fought the battle to become stable so that I do a slow taper.  But there is no way that I will keep track on this site just so people can ridicule the speed, be it fast or slow. 

 

I try to keep in touch with those that have need of compassion or help in their taper.  I consider them my buddies.  Sometimes they just need to talk.  I know that is my main need.  I should have quit reading this blog the minute I knew the direction it was taking, but felt that there is a group of people that need someone to speak up for them.

 

"BB's position on reinstatement is that if at all possible, reinstatement should be avoided."

 

Probably better stated than "only an idiot would reinstate after reaching tolerance."

 

I tend to be blunt, but I mean well.  My apologies.

 

Good luck,

 

Ramcon1

And who said tolerance is the only reason for reinstating.  I don't  understand the person who stings you with his poison words and then says he means well.  Is your life so perfect that you can criticize others.  Well now I have  had my say too.

 

Popcornlady

 

I want to thank you for your post Popcornlady, and yours too L123, as well as those others who have been as compassionate.

 

Popcornlady, it is with sadness that I state this. I have noticed the same thing you have, and it is for this reason that I don't post like I used to. I wasn't going to post on this thread at all, but I saw yours and decided to let you know that I support you, and agree with you, as well.

 

I've been a member of this site since 2008, and have seen a lot of people come and go, and have been here through various "issues" the different team members have had to deal with over the years.

 

I hope you're doing well, Popcornlady. As for me, lately I've preferred keeping my couch right where it is...in "the basement." I believe you know why.

 

Love you,

Kimba 

Thank you Popcornlady, L123 and Kimba. I am so glad that you have spoken.

 

I thought it was just me finding less compassion in some areas here of late. In fact when I read some of the posts here on this thread I feel that I shouldn't be here because I am not actively tapering at the moment. That I don't belong. That was implied by someone way back - not to me personally - but to all those who were not actively trying to withdraw. Sometimes we who have tried their best and 'failed' still need company and understanding. We don't really want to be tied to these drugs for life but sometimes the feeling of maybe we don't have enough time left to squander it on living a severely compromised life in the hope that some day we will regain our former bright and bubbly selves. Children grow up. Grandchildren grow so quickly. We age. Life passes so quickly. These were some of the things I weighed up when in misery after a year of trying my hardest. Perhaps I am just too weak. Perhaps I shouldn't be here.

 

Thank you also to Hope and Pianogirl for your comments to me earlier on and also for the recent ones about insults.

I've read the last few posts about how some members feel there is less compassion on the forum that there used to be. I'm not sure if that's true. I'm not here for support myself so I don't think I see what other members see. I'll have to take your word for it. I will say that I see much compassion. I am constantly humbled by the kindness of our members to those who are frightened and need help and a kind word. This has not changed.

 

However, the forum has grown. Members from other sites have found a new home here. Their perspectives might be set a little differently than those who have only been on BB. Perhaps there was more of a 'tough love' approach on other forums. I don't know. This site grows and changes with time. That's inevitable. Everything does but I still think for the most part our members find support and compassion more than anything else here. It's best to take what you need from the site (or any site on the internet) and ignore the rest.

All you have to do is read this blog and see what kind of "compassion" these members have.

 

Popcornlady

We have over 1000 active members. I don't think you can make a judgement regarding the compassion of the site due to 4 or 5 members posts on this thread. There are thousands of threads of understanding and compassion. I choose to focus on that.

I am not trying to be difficult Hope but you must see both sides of the picture.

 

Popcornlady

Of course I do Popcornlady. I see all corners of this forum every day. I'm in one on one contact with many members every day. I see the history of this forum. I may know more than anyone about what goes on here on a daily basis and I do see there are those who take a harder line than others but that is not the majority of members...not even close. The majority of members are helpful and supportive.

All it takes is just a few members to hurt members who are in crisis mood and intimidated easily.  I do not want to disagree with you I was just standing up for those who were being picked on.  I know the majority are good people.

 

Popcornlady

The team tries to keep as much balance on the forum as possible. Naturally in any large group there will always be others that are more or less compassionate. I don't think this is selective to this forum. This is true of any large gathering of people. Then when you consider most of our members are in some degree of withdrawal, I'd say we're all doing pretty well. And for those who aren't, we have an active moderation team to make sure things don't go to far. Please remember we have members who often have very bad days and aren't themselves. We need to always take that into consideration.

I give up

I became a member here in February of 2011.  I have witnessed many changes, and have seen many people come and go for a multitude of reasons.  Many left because they had healed, and others left because, perhaps, they felt like they were being judged too harshly in their method of tapering or in their wanting to reinstate or they just became burned out.  To keep their job or because of pressing family situations, some folks had no choice but to reinstate.  That does not mean they are weak or that they forever want to take benzos.

 

There is no 'best way' to be free of benzodiazepines.  A cold turkey may work for someone, and a slow turtle taper will work best for others.  We are as different as night and day in how are bodies and our minds react to benzos.  Everyone who has ever been a member here, it would seem, are ultra sensitive to the chemical formula of which Benzodiazepine are comprised of.  Why that is, no one really knows the answer to.  Perhaps that is why most doctors are not tuned into the reality that folks do indeed suffer greatly from benzo withdrawals.  Most of their patients have little or no difficulty in discontinuing the Benzodiazepine class of drugs.

 

My heart aches for the folks who are dealing with benzo withdrawals.  It has to be the most painful, the most confusing, and the most humbling experience in their life time.  I truly believe that the past and the current members of this unique site are some of the nicest and the kindest, and definitely the most understanding people we will ever encounter. 

 

I don't post much anymore, but I am still concerned that this site always remain the safe haven and the sanctuary of hope and compassion that it has been since it's inception.  Through the years, so many folks have gained so much comfort and compassion from so many people, who perhaps were or are the only ones in their life who truly do or did understand any of this benzo stuff, all that it entails.

I became a member here in February of 2011.  I have witnessed many changes, and have seen many people come and go for a multitude of reasons.  Many left because they had healed, and others left because, perhaps, they felt like they were being judged too harshly in their method of tapering or in their wanting to reinstate or they just became burned out.  To keep their job or because of pressing family situations, some folks had no choice but to reinstate.  That does not mean they are weak or that they forever want to take benzos.

 

There is no 'best way' to be free of benzodiazepines.  A cold turkey may work for someone, and a slow turtle taper will work best for others.  We are as different as night and day in how are bodies and our minds react to benzos.  Everyone who has ever been a member here, it would seem, are ultra sensitive to the chemical formula of which Benzodiazepine are comprised of.  Why that is, no one really knows the answer to.  Perhaps that is why most doctors are not tuned into the reality that folks do indeed suffer greatly from benzo withdrawals.  Most of their patients have little or no difficulty in discontinuing the Benzodiazepine class of drugs.

 

My heart aches for the folks who are dealing with benzo withdrawals.  It has to be the most painful, the most confusing, and the most humbling experience in their life time.  I truly believe that the past and the current members of this unique site are some of the nicest and the kindest, and definitely the most understanding people we will ever encounter. 

 

I don't post much anymore, but I am still concerned that this site always remain the safe haven and the sanctuary of hope and compassion that it has been since it's inception.  Through the years, so many folks have gained so much comfort and compassion from so many people, who perhaps were or are the only ones in their life who truly do or did understand any of this benzo stuff, all that it entails.

 

I agree with you pj, you are a wise and caring person.

 

Don't worry, there are many of us here willing and able to take good care to make sure that this site will be the sanctuary you describe.

 

pianogirl 

I just want to say I have been here at BB for a few years now. I also have to say I can see what popcornlady sees and feels. I stated this in Feb of last year in a diff thread that I dont know what was different .But It felt like the Tone and overall energy has shifted here.

When I came here it was Nothing but so many compassionate and caring people. There were NO arguments as to how someone was coming off or having to go back on. We just supported each other . And thats what made me Fall In Love here,

 

I dont post much myself other then a few encouraging Hopeful post.I feel there is allot more combativeness and judgement . I could be wrong . But it seems like the Gentleness has lessened.  If someone needs to reinstate who are any of us to say anything Other then I am so sorry for your pain being so bad you needed to . Or dont you ever feel like you Failed ..Because you didnt. Or you know whats right for you.

 

Yes these are very dangerous drugs and change the chemistry of how our brain functions. But if someone is suffering so badly they cant ever see any Hope or cope to get through one more day why cant we just be here for them in the most softest way. Tuff Love needs to be Replaced with Arms wide open and just a caring and supportive friend.

 

 

For me I am all Healed and I want nothing more then to see everyone here get there. I have done my Best to give Strength and so much Hope in the dark moments. I will Never push my opinions Rather then Pull you to the Light of this experience. Thats the best thing I can think of to do here and I hope I have.Thats what I think anyone whos Healed should do here. Anything else wouldnt really be Helpful

 

Hang in everyone

 

~Jenny

Vribble, i messed up, it came out wrong (benzo brain?).

 

Heck mister, i may end up throwing in the towel myself, after 22 years i often think i must be delusional to think i can beat this, getting off may be one thing but there is nothing to say i will manage, i may not fare well at all and reinstate myself, i have seen it here before.

 

I´m truly sorry, you should know i did not mean anything bad by my poor choice of words, i was insensitive but i was angry at this whole deal, for you, for me, for all of us in this crappy situation.

 

I hope you´ll forgive me... and i hope you are OK, you have been a real help to me, i did not mean to upset you, i just got scared and posted out of fear as was already said here, how dumb of me, i am sorry.

 

Oscar

I am sorry to see so many people who are upset.

Nobody is weak for reinstating or not being ready to taper.

 

This is a very individual thing and there are so many variables that each person has to get to know their own comfy taper rate, or the right time to taper, or, even the right time to hold if that is what feels best for them.

 

I reinstated, but looking back I wish I hadn't, but that is not because I think badly of it. I was so scared three years ago that reinstatement was the best idea for me at that time.

 

There is one thing that I will add. I have come across a few people who have tapered rapidly and been lucky enough to recover relatively quickly.

These people find it hard to get their head around someone who needs years to taper.

They genuinely cannot understand it.

I think humans have real difficulty understanding something that they themselves have never gone through, or that they got through with relatively little problem.

This way, slow taperers can come across as frightened.

There is also the misconception that withdrawal inevitably involves suffering, this need not be the case in my experience, so long as you have the patience to do a slow enough for you type taper.

My heart does go out to the administrators and moderators, I don't know how you do it.

 

Thank you,

 

Molly :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

I became a member here in February of 2011.  I have witnessed many changes, and have seen many people come and go for a multitude of reasons.  Many left because they had healed, and others left because, perhaps, they felt like they were being judged too harshly in their method of tapering or in their wanting to reinstate or they just became burned out.  To keep their job or because of pressing family situations, some folks had no choice but to reinstate.  That does not mean they are weak or that they forever want to take benzos.

 

There is no 'best way' to be free of benzodiazepines.  A cold turkey may work for someone, and a slow turtle taper will work best for others.  We are as different as night and day in how are bodies and our minds react to benzos.  Everyone who has ever been a member here, it would seem, are ultra sensitive to the chemical formula of which Benzodiazepine are comprised of.  Why that is, no one really knows the answer to.  Perhaps that is why most doctors are not tuned into the reality that folks do indeed suffer greatly from benzo withdrawals.  Most of their patients have little or no difficulty in discontinuing the Benzodiazepine class of drugs.

 

My heart aches for the folks who are dealing with benzo withdrawals.  It has to be the most painful, the most confusing, and the most humbling experience in their life time.  I truly believe that the past and the current members of this unique site are some of the nicest and the kindest, and definitely the most understanding people we will ever encounter. 

 

I don't post much anymore, but I am still concerned that this site always remain the safe haven and the sanctuary of hope and compassion that it has been since it's inception.  Through the years, so many folks have gained so much comfort and compassion from so many people, who perhaps were or are the only ones in their life who truly do or did understand any of this benzo stuff, all that it entails.

 

I agree with you pj, you are a wise and caring person.

 

Don't worry, there are many of us here willing and able to take good care to make sure that this site will be the sanctuary you describe.

 

pianogirl 

 

Thank you, pianogirl

 

I don't think I am all that wise, but I certainly do care about this community forum that is comprised of so many really great people who provide a refuge where they give each other so much comfort from their words that are spoken with such softness and understanding, that they counter a world that sometimes can feel as harsh and unforgiving as a piece of sandpaper.

 

Like Molly mentioned, I too, often wonder how you all do it.

 

pj   

My heart does go out to the administrators and moderators, I don't know how you do it.

 

Thank you,

 

Molly :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

I think I can speak for pianogirl when I say we do it as a labour of love. We want this forum to be available to anyone who needs support. That's why we're here. That's why the whole team is here. We want each and every member of this forum to feel they are not alone and know there are others who understand their suffering. If most members feel that and understand that, we've had a good day.

You are all appreciated, the site has been a life line at times.

 

Thank you.

 

Oscar

I have read thru as much of this blog as possible.  I cannot believe the tone some of you have taken with people who have felt the need to reinstate for the sake of their own health or their life.

 

When I first came to this site it was very sympathetic and compassionate for their fellow human beings.  Now I see where people think they know the answers for everyone and do not hesitate to tell people their opinions in no uncertain terms.  In my first months here everyone was helpful IF you asked for help.  No one told anyone what to do.  And most of all there were few, if any, judgemental people on this site.  If they were they kept it to themselves.

 

I had to reinstate, I am not ashamed that I did.  I am a 68 year old who hit a wall.  My doctor advised reinstating.  I have faith in my doctor, at one point he saved my life in ER.  I have fought the battle to become stable so that I do a slow taper.  But there is no way that I will keep track on this site just so people can ridicule the speed, be it fast or slow. 

 

I try to keep in touch with those that have need of compassion or help in their taper.  I consider them my buddies.  Sometimes they just need to talk.  I know that is my main need.  I should have quit reading this blog the minute I knew the direction it was taking, but felt that there is a group of people that need someone to speak up for them.

 

"BB's position on reinstatement is that if at all possible, reinstatement should be avoided."

 

Probably better stated than "only an idiot would reinstate after reaching tolerance."

 

I tend to be blunt, but I mean well.  My apologies.

 

Good luck,

 

Ramcon1

And who said tolerance is the only reason for reinstating.  I don't  understand the person who stings you with his poison words and then says he means well.  Is your life so perfect that you can criticize others.  Well now I have  had my say too.

 

Popcornlady

 

I want to thank you for your post Popcornlady, and yours too L123, as well as those others who have been as compassionate.

 

Popcornlady, it is with sadness that I state this. I have noticed the same thing you have, and it is for this reason that I don't post like I used to. I wasn't going to post on this thread at all, but I saw yours and decided to let you know that I support you, and agree with you, as well.

 

I've been a member of this site since 2008, and have seen a lot of people come and go, and have been here through various "issues" the different team members have had to deal with over the years.

 

I hope you're doing well, Popcornlady. As for me, lately I've preferred keeping my couch right where it is...in "the basement." I believe you know why.

 

Love you,

Kimba 

 

 

I have stopped posting anything about my "progress" for the same reasons

 

 

Polenta