Anhedonia - will it go away?

Hi all! Again looking for reassurance on anhedonia (the inability to feel love/joy). Just 5 days ago I felt some love for my children for a while...but the last few days it is gone. I spend the whole day praying that they give me the look, smile or giggle that will be enough to make my heart melt...sometimes it just takes looking at them in the correct angle/lighting to feel something (yes, I know it's weird, but not too weird considering I have fear of people's faces including my family's).

 

My question is: If I have had some glimpses of love/joy (not long lasting though), does it mean, it will come back eventually? Or am I screwed? I often ask myself what would my life be worth if I could not feel joy and love my family...and the answer is Nothing, so I have nothing to live for if I can't feel love/joy. I was one that loved sooo much...I can't believe this is me now All I feel is anger, sadness, fear

It will go away.  It has for my hubby two weeks straight now.  He's smiling and laughing again, after 2.5 years of zero, from inception of that lousy Benzo.  Unfortunately, the dizziness has hit again, but he IS smiling through it.  That's why you have moments, even though brief, that it leaves.  Your healing and all these wds will leave.  Promise you!  Hugs, Patty

YES it WILL go away. I am sure of it. I did for me and I was convinced that it NEVER would.

 

I felt nothing for such a long time except deep deep sadness, anger, and terrible fear for months.

 

I know the exact date that my personality started to come back. I thought it was gone too. Old aspects of myself kept popping in over the course of a few days and I remember thinking.....wow that feels familiar to me. Then over the course of the next several weeks more and more of me kept coming back.

 

It WILL happen for you too 

Thanks for the reassurance mandala...it just feels like it will never happen, but have to keep trusting in the veterans! Thanks!

bump

mmir - I think that if you get glimpses of the love for your family, then that is the real you and that is how you will be when healed.  It's like a window really......so keep the faith and know that it takes time, but that love for those girls of yours is buried in there somewhere and as it appears now occassionally, it will one day reappear permanently. 

    Yes, listen to the veterans who have been there - that's all we can do and TRUST them!

Lots of Love

Hoping2Bfree

 

I started to get glimpses of feelings, however they are not nice. What I feel is a very bad guilt that I made my family suffer because of my withdrawal

I started to get glimpses of feelings, however they are not nice. What I feel is a very bad guilt that I made my family suffer because of my withdrawal

 

So sorry Jasmine...all I feel is negative too including guilt, shame and despair...

I started to get glimpses of feelings, however they are not nice. What I feel is a very bad guilt that I made my family suffer because of my withdrawal

So sorry Jasmine...all I feel is negative too including guilt, shame and despair...

 

Ditto, darn it!  The first time I heard the word Anhedonia was shortly after my husband died when I was in therapy..I was told it was part of the grieving process.  I did not know then that Ativan was also blunting my pleasure center; and further, even nine months "off"  that my brain would still be deprived of a positive visceral response to beauty, family, friendships, hobbies, even good food.  And it doesn't stop there..what used to give me pleasure has morphed into a jaded perspective and fear of the future.

 

It is very comforting to read that others have been able to "re-boot" the pleasure quotient.   

New Life, do you mean that the things you used to love now give you fear? I have that at 11 mos off

New Life, do you mean that the things you used to love now give you fear? I have that at 11 mos off

(sigh) for instance when I look at my precious four month old grandchild, instead of revelling in the glory of this new innocent being I worry about all the things that could happen to her in such a toxic world. 

New Life, do you mean that the things you used to love now give you fear? I have that at 11 mos off

(sigh) for instance when I look at my precious four month old grandchild, instead of revelling in the glory of this new innocent being I worry about all the things that could happen to her in such a toxic world.

 

I see. I have the same issue with my kids

This was one of my worst and longest lasting symptoms.  It started to lift about 26 months off.  I'm now 29 months out and it keeps getting better.  I hope it won't take that long for you.

I don't know if I have true anhedonia or if I just feel too physically ill/exhausted and too foggy to connect.  I know I love them and hug and kiss them all the time but I don't find enjoyment with them because I feel so yucky, exhausted. and weird.  Instead, I just feel irritated a lot.  Kind of like when in the past when I had a bad night's sleep and I was cranky, but much, much, much, MUCH worse.  Is this at all what you are talking about?

 

 

I don't know if I have true anhedonia or if I just feel too physically ill/exhausted and too foggy to connect.  I know I love them and hug and kiss them all the time but I don't find enjoyment with them because I feel so yucky, exhausted. and weird.  Instead, I just feel irritated a lot.  Kind of like when in the past when I had a bad night's sleep and I was cranky, but much, much, much, MUCH worse.  Is this at all what you are talking about?

 

Tina, like so many symptoms related to post-benzoitis, it is hard to tell what name tag fits. I tend to "blame" many of my ongoing "irritants" on having so little decent sleep for too many months.

I also wonder if some of my "jaded" pov is coming from having lived through so much in my 70+ years and have seen so much go awry.

 

all I know is that I detest the "imp" that casts a pall on so much in my life..even vanilla ice cream, and I call that Anhedonia

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was one of my worst and longest lasting symptoms.  It started to lift about 26 months off.  I'm now 29 months out and it keeps getting better.  I hope it won't take that long for you.

Thanks L123, I know it tends to be long-lasting unfortunately   So glad it's getting better for you. I'm sending you a PM in a while regarding another symptom.

TinaCA and NewLife,

 

That's part of it, I think. I know the love is there underneath it all...but when feeling fear or anger or sadness or plain tired, how can we feel love?

TinaCA and NewLife,

 

That's part of it, I think. I know the love is there underneath it all...but when feeling fear or anger or sadness or plain tired, how can we feel love?

 

Exactly

MMIR--

 

Have you seen any improvements in your symptoms over the last few months?  I see you've been off since November?  I am sure you will see a lot of improvements by the one year mark, but was wondering if you had noticed improvements up to this point...

 

Tina

MMIR--

 

Have you seen any improvements in your symptoms over the last few months?  I see you've been off since November?  I am sure you will see a lot of improvements by the one year mark, but was wondering if you had noticed improvements up to this point...

 

Tina

 

Not really...a lot of psychosis-like symptoms, extreme dr, rage, akathisia, anhedonia and intrusives are almost always with me..only getting tiny semi-windows (not lasting more than an hour or so).

Anhedonia was one of my most pervasive symptoms. It took the better part of 19 months for it to substsantially subside, but these days I am FINALLY able to laugh and joke again. I also find myself looking forward to future events and I am once again able to appreciate little things like sitting out by the water on a beautiful day after a hard day's work.

 

To anyone who has not experienced benzo wd it wouldn't make sense to say that "I am starting to feel as if my soul is returning to my body" but I think most of you might be able to imagine how amazing that might feel 

 

 

To anyone who has not experienced benzo wd it wouldn't make sense to say that "I am starting to feel as if my soul is returning to my body" but I think most of you might be able to imagine how amazing that might feel 

That is great! And I can't wait for my soul to return to my body and this other person's soul I have in me to leave

Oh totally Florida guy, I have actually used the same words myself.  K. 

To anyone who has not experienced benzo wd it wouldn't make sense to say that "I am starting to feel as if my soul is returning to my body" but I think lost of you might be able to imagine how amazing that might feel 

How I long to be able to say that! 

Anhedonia is no fun.