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After benzo "withdrawal" is over, what now for recovery?


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Hi. Some of you know that I started the "Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group" thread about three months after my valium taper ended back in 2010.  I was looking for support since I had a host of physiological "withdrawal" symptoms and wanted to find others who were off the benzo and still struggling, whether it was only a few or multiple s/x.  It didn't matter whether one did a slow taper, rapid detox or c/t, the "post benzo freedom withdrawal support group" thread was and still is for anyone who is days, weeks or months off the benzo and still experiencing physiological "withdrawal" of some kind.

 

Yet, at a certain point (some sooner than for others), with time, one notices that one has fewer "withdrawal" issues and increasingly face another challenge moving forward- to get on with one's life with less focus on the benzo, and with more emphasis on picking up the pieces and looking for support with life's challenges.  This may include, for example,  working on  restoring relationships that have weakened through this ordeal or it might mean finding ways to cope with a divorce or other loss.  Some are coping with going back to work, looking for a job,  or remaining in a job that has been challenging  during the tapering and initial months off the benzo.  In some cases, some pre benzo issues may have resurfaced such as anxiety, depression or sleep disturbance.  One may be considering whether or not to remain medication free or whether to try something to offset the blues.  One may face challenges of isolation, having "withdrawn" socially during the final months of tapering off a benzo or some months of being off it.  There may be financial challenges, one may have lost their health insurance or perhaps something else...

 

So this thread is for those who are no longer facing as much "physiological withdrawal" as much as looking for support for moving forward off the benzo.  You may only be a few months off or it could be closing in on a year or more, the main thing is that the focus is less on the biological aspects of "withdrawal" and rather more on the topic of moving into a life where one is thinking less and less about the benzo. You may still have some s/x that are bothersome, but you are willing now to focus less on those and more on the life ahead of you.  I'm not saying one can never bring up a physiological "withdrawal" symptom, but it should not be the focus of this thread as I see it.  Of course setbacks may come and go, but for some, the final hurdle may be to find new life after the benzo symptoms have mostly gone or diminished to at least a degree that one can attend to some other things. 

 

I am curious whether there are some buddies out there who are ready to post less about the physiological impact of the benzo journey and more about some other challenges once a majority of physical symptoms have either gone or diminished?

 

Vertigo

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Thanks so much Vertigo for starting this thread. I'm not out of the woods yet, but have given a lot of thought on how to "get over this" when it's all over. I feel traumatized and can't imagine not thinking of w/d 24/7! I'm hoping that when I'm well, I will just be thinking of other things until gradually, I won't think of it anymore.  I wonder how I will pursue an active social life again. I wonder how I will have the confidence to make any changes in my life, with the thoughts of stress possibly causing symptoms to reoccur. I'm really interested to see how others are coping after the symptoms are gone or diminished.
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Thanks so much Vertigo for starting this thread. I'm not out of the woods yet, but have given a lot of thought on how to "get over this" when it's all over. I feel traumatized and can't imagine not thinking of w/d 24/7! I'm hoping that when I'm well, I will just be thinking of other things until gradually, I won't think of it anymore.  I wonder how I will pursue an active social life again. I wonder how I will have the confidence to make any changes in my life, with the thoughts of stress possibly causing symptoms to reoccur. I'm really interested to see how others are coping after the symptoms are gone or diminished.

 

Hi Julie.  I agree that one can feel "traumatized" from the experience of getting off the benzo and then deal with a recovering nervous system for a period of months.  I found that stress was tricky in the first year.  My CNS seemed to be sensitive and over reactive, yet there came a point when I just moved forward with things I found meaningful, despite some stubborn symptoms.  The book "Finding Life Beyond Trauma" by Victoria Follette might be helpful for some.  It uses the ACT (therapy) approach.  I've got to run but will try to come back later to post again.

 

Vertigo

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Wow this is just what I have been worrying about and it is not a good thing.

I just knew I would be ready to jump by now.  A braver soul would have and I am so worried about the after life as you mentioned. I think all of us are worried here.

I can't bring myself to join my husband to got the grocery store on a pretty day.

I am at 2 times a day liquid V and lower than .1

Every time I try to get lower and most time between doses I get slammed with the physical and mental notion of what in the world I am going to do off of this terrible journey???? I am looking forward to any ideas and ways to cope post benzo.

Thank you so much for this thread and I hope they do not move it!

Annie

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Wow this is just what I have been worrying about and it is not a good thing.

I just knew I would be ready to jump by now.  A braver soul would have and I am so worried about the after life as you mentioned. I think all of us are worried here.

I can't bring myself to join my husband to got the grocery store on a pretty day.

I am at 2 times a day liquid V and lower than .1

Every time I try to get lower and most time between doses I get slammed with the physical and mental notion of what in the world I am going to do off of this terrible journey???? I am looking forward to any ideas and ways to cope post benzo.

Thank you so much for this thread and I hope they do not move it!

Annie

 

Thanks for the post, Annie.  It sounds like you are almost there with the rest of your taper :thumbsup:.  It is possible that you have some anticapatory anxiety about the end of taper.  It can be quite normal to have an increase in anxiety as you approach the end of taper and wonder what it will be like to no longer have to take a benzo.  It can be a strange feeling at first but ultimately a rewarding one.  So much is emphasized in the early days and weeks off about the physiological withdrawal, yet one can't help but wonder what life has in store for us once we're no longer so focused on the benzo or withdrawal.  Will we be strong enough to pursue goals or even set goals?  Will we have the energy to follow through with things that we might like to try?  Will we get enough sleep to hold down a day job?  How will we deal with any pre benzo issues for which we first took that benzo?  Perhaps some others have some answers?

 

Vertigo

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Blimey Vertigo, you were not even a long term user, imagine being on a benzo for half your life.

 

Imagine how scary jumping would feel then.

 

You scare me sometimes, i think "what about me then? I cannot even remember life without this stuff"

 

I guess i´ll need trauma books too... a whole Library.

 

Oscar

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Alternate title for this thread: Picking up the Pieces

 

Yep, I'm at that stage myself. Healed enough that I am finally able to start dealing with the fallout of benzo wd. In reality I have been working towards getting my life back for many months now but it was only recently that I have been able to make any serious progress.

 

In the aftermath of benzo wd my social life is in shambles, I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years, business relationships have been damaged, I am hundreds of thousands of dollars in the hole...where do I begin?

 

Lately I have started feeling guilty for the problems my wd has caused other people. Although this is a sign that I am healing, it sucks to have to carry around a burden like this when you are trying to get things back on track.

 

 

 

All I know is that I can only do what I can do. If that isn't good enough for some people...I don't know what to tell them. I challenge anyone I know to experience what I went through. Lesser people wouldn't have made it a month, let alone two years.

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Hi friends,

All I can say is I want to go fishing, sit on the bank and watch my cork go up and down. I don't have expensive ideas of getting my life back. I want to be able to walk outside and not feel weird. That is all I want.

Annie

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I have been feeling a lot better lately.  Still having trouble with driving (busy intersections).  Sometimes I wonder if this is really an issue still or just the memory of when things were so bad (like a second fear).  I can't tell as I get physical symptoms (mostly dizziness) when I encounter this.  I do think when your body freaks out so badly for so long and you can't depend on it to work properly it does traumatize you.

 

I have decided to be patient with myself and give myself time to fully heal.  Maybe the "second fear" with driving issue is part of having a fragile CNS.  It is so darn inconvenient when I need to go places further than 2 miles from my home.  I never had any problems with anxiety or driving prior to benzos and I can't wait to take driving for granted again.

 

So many others symptoms have lessened or evaporated completely.  Seeing this take place has validated for me that it was the Ambien that caused the physical and emotional symptoms that came on so suddenly last fall.  I am hopeful that given more time I will find total healing and be fully myself again.

 

Anyone else struggle with the driving and did it improve?

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Annie I'm with you the simple things in life make me happy. A long walk or a ride in the country and feeling joy at just feeling good.  That's heaven.  This is what I wish for my BB buddies. Feeling joy, contentment and love. 

 

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I have been feeling a lot better lately.  Still having trouble with driving (busy intersections).  Sometimes I wonder if this is really an issue still or just the memory of when things were so bad (like a second fear).  I can't tell as I get physical symptoms (mostly dizziness) when I encounter this.  I do think when your body freaks out so badly for so long and you can't depend on it to work properly it does traumatize you.

 

I have decided to be patient with myself and give myself time to fully heal.  Maybe the "second fear" with driving issue is part of having a fragile CNS.  It is so darn inconvenient when I need to go places further than 2 miles from my home.  I never had any problems with anxiety or driving prior to benzos and I can't wait to take driving for granted again.

 

So many others symptoms have lessened or evaporated completely.  Seeing this take place has validated for me that it was the Ambien that caused the physical and emotional symptoms that came on so suddenly last fall.  I am hopeful that given more time I will find total healing and be fully myself again.

 

Anyone else struggle with the driving and did it improve?

 

Hi Turtle.  It sounds like you may have some type of anxiety phobia developing in regards to driving, particularly busy intersections.  If you can afford a therapist, CBT (cognitive behavioral one), you might benefit from some type of exposure therapy.  You can probably do some exercises with a friend or family member too.  For example, have a friend or spouse if you are married or significant other, family member...  drive you to a busy intersection where you can maybe sit on a bus bench and do some deep breathing and positive reframing affirmations while watching the cars go by.  Or if that is much to start, perhaps park in a parking lot that is farther from a busy intersection and watch from there or walk to the intersection and back to start.  You can write a hierarchy of increasingly more stressful tasks that may begin with you not driving through busy intersections or perhaps just being a passenger in a car. 

 

If you have some fear about making left turns, for example,  at busy intersections, you can practice making left turns at less busy intersections for a while or have your friend drive you through some intersections and make those left turns while you work on some breathing and mindfulness exercises.  This may take a period of weeks or longer before you feel comfortable driving them yourself.  If you get dizzy when you get close to busy intersections, that might be dangerous and should be avoided until the dizziness subsides.  It is not uncommon for dizziness to be a symptom in the early months off a benzo.  However, dizziness can also be an early sign of a panic.  A professional might be better able to sort out which may be happening or if both may be occuring.

 

After you try some mindfulness and meditative exercises while sitting at a busy intersection in a passenger seat, you might then have somebody drive you through some intersections where you can observe another person driving and being calm.  You don't need to feel 100% calm.  You can tell yourself that you can tolerate some discomfort while still remaining calm enough to drive (if that is the case).  Your doctor or therapist might even suggest that you take a driving course with an instructor who can help build confidence of driving again.  Perhaps working on some of the exposure exercises mentioned above could be helpful, where you can feel more confident in your ability to be around a busy intersection without "freaking out".  I am not a therapist, just throwing out some ideas that might be helpful.  If you feel you might benefit from professional therapy for this, it might be something to look into as well.

 

Being patient and compassionate with yourself is a great idea.  It is true that one may have a fragile CNS in the first year or two off the benzo, but it does not mean one must avoid one's life or things that are important.  Yet, one must also be mindful of safety to yourself and others as one makes a decision to drive.  Go at your own pace and time line.  Did you have driving fears before taking ambien?  To answer your question, I've not had driving fears as much as fatigue in the early months off.  I remember that in the early months off valium, I was not confident about long distance trips exceeding about half an hour or so.  I also had some elevated blood pressure and visual tracking issues in the first two months off that concerned me.  I waited til about three months off to make longer drives, fortunately did not have a long commute to work.  By about four months off, driving was not an issue for me, but everyone is different and reacts in different ways to getting back out there.  I should qualify that driving is not an issue for me in familiar areas and towns.  I do get some anxiety about driving in new places, particularly busy congested ones,  if I don't have a navigation system with me, but that is probably fairly normal.  You won't find me trying to drive in New York city!

 

Vertigo

 

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Blimey Vertigo, you were not even a long term user, imagine being on a benzo for half your life.

 

Imagine how scary jumping would feel then.

 

You scare me sometimes, i think "what about me then? I cannot even remember life without this stuff"

 

I guess i´ll need trauma books too... a whole Library.

 

Oscar

 

:laugh:.  Hi Oscar.  I don't think a whole library is needed, maybe just a small closet :D:)

 

V

 

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I'm glad I saw this thread. This whole experience has changed my perspective & I've had a lot of re-evaluating to do. I'm still working thru the anger, fear, frustration & feelings of vulnerability.

My anxiety & panic disorder has actually improved though so maybe something good has come out of all this & like some folks have said I appreciate the simpler things more.

 

 

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Hi. I want to get back to my higher functioning self. I have worked for decades up until last year. I used to travel. I was strong and had a great sense of humor and a spirit of facing difficult things and walking thru them. The past year has traumatized me and I am really buying into it. I am told by friends to rest and get better I have rested for going on 6 months. I don't even know this capable person I was anymore I wonder if I am sick or have I just taken on a sick role. I am frightened at what I have become. Clearly I am depressed by this lack of a normal existence for the past year of dealing with sickness and benzo withdrawal. Personally I feel like giving up. I need to know how to get out of this feeling of learned helplessness that is common to trauma. It is difficult to function well whit this lack of sleep. Am I sick or is it in my mind? I would like to hear any insights. I need to know what small steps to take to. Begint to get back on my feet. When is it time to push and when is it time to take it easy? Thanks
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Hi. I want to get back to my higher functioning self. I have worked for decades up until last year. I used to travel. I was strong and had a great sense of humor and a spirit of facing difficult things and walking thru them. The past year has traumatized me and I am really buying into it. I am told by friends to rest and get better I have rested for going on 6 months. I don't even know this capable person I was anymore I wonder if I am sick or have I just taken on a sick role. I am frightened at what I have become. Clearly I am depressed by this lack of a normal existence for the past year of dealing with sickness and benzo withdrawal. Personally I feel like giving up. I need to know how to get out of this feeling of learned helplessness that is common to trauma. It is difficult to function well whit this lack of sleep. Am I sick or is it in my mind? I would like to hear any insights. I need to know what small steps to take to. Begint to get back on my feet. When is it time to push and when is it time to take it easy? Thanks

 

Try not to get too down agp16.  I only just started to feel about 75-80% at five to six months off valium,  but fatigue and some other symptoms continued to oscillate til about 18 months.  I won't pretend that I didn't have some fatigue and anxiety before benzos so I didn't expect them to fully dissappear after the benzo taper was over. I was also set back by getting shingles at five weeks after the taper, which impacted my CNS big time. I also noticed that my motivation and CNS were generally numbed down and sensitive that first year to year and a half, perhaps in part due to the one/two punch of ending the taper and getting shingles.  It was not "terrible" all the time. In fact, I continued to work and had to travel quite a bit to take care of an elderly parent who has cancer.  I never considered going back on valium but I did consider a few times whether to try an a/d or something like St. John's Wort to lift my spirits and/or energy.  In the end, I did not but some folks have had some positive results from an a/d.  When I read the list of possible s/x of some of the a/ds, I opted not to take any. I think it is a balance of getting rest but also challenging yourself a little bit in terms of getting some exercise and increasing activity.  You can supposedly improve levels of serotonin via exercise, doesn't have to be anything too intense.  I found the recumbant exercise bike to be helpful.  One can also begin with short walks outside.

 

  Yes, one can feel a bit helpless at times, especially when things drag on in a more subtle way. Even though I was often feeling 80% and doing things I wanted after about five to six months, I still had subtle symptoms in that first year, what others have also described as a kind of low level apathy. I don't think it was all out depression either, more subtle.  Yes, it can feel traumatic after going through months if not years of this journey, but things do get brighter and they do turn around.  I'm not saying I'm always feeling dandy, but I didn't before the benzo either. Yet, I feel like my brain can function better off the benzo than on.  Sleep is deeper and more restful with REM sleep not being as easy to achieve when on a benzo, from what I've heard.  I've also read in some article that long time benzo use can lead to premature dementia or alzheimers, so staying off the benzo seems like a good idea, no?.  Now the challenge is to find joy in life and deal with whatever anxiety, sleep disturbance or whatever pre benzo issue one may have had before that could resurface, moving forward.  There are many things that I still wish to do now that I am "as good as it gets" in terms of the healing off the benzo goes.  I'm better than I was before the benzo and still finding ways to enjoy many new things in life.  Sadly, my parent still has terminal cancer and may only have limited years to live,  so things are not ideal there, but sometimes one has to deal with what one has to face.  I mistakenly tried to deal with the illness of my parent by numbing some of the stress with the valium a few years ago, but now that part is over but having to fly out several times a year to help take care of him is still my reality.  I read in your signature that you had chemo, so I take it that you've had to deal with cancer on a personal level?

 

Vertigo

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I'm glad I saw this thread. This whole experience has changed my perspective & I've had a lot of re-evaluating to do. I'm still working thru the anger, fear, frustration & feelings of vulnerability.

My anxiety & panic disorder has actually improved though so maybe something good has come out of all this & like some folks have said I appreciate the simpler things more.

 

Hi Lavendar.  I am glad to read that your anxiety and panic have improved.  I also had anxiety before benzos, but I worked on developing some coping skills that has better prepared me to deal with stress in the future.  I did not have panic, although I did have a couple of mini panics in the first six months off, which was more of a rebound anxiety.  Ultimately, I think it is good to reevaluate one's goals, priorities and values from time to time.  I agree that something good can come from this experience :thumbsup:.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

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Alternate title for this thread: Picking up the Pieces

 

Yep, I'm at that stage myself. Healed enough that I am finally able to start dealing with the fallout of benzo wd. In reality I have been working towards getting my life back for many months now but it was only recently that I have been able to make any serious progress.

 

In the aftermath of benzo wd my social life is in shambles, I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years, business relationships have been damaged, I am hundreds of thousands of dollars in the hole...where do I begin?

 

Lately I have started feeling guilty for the problems my wd has caused other people. Although this is a sign that I am healing, it sucks to have to carry around a burden like this when you are trying to get things back on track.

All I know is that I can only do what I can do. If that isn't good enough for some people...I don't know what to tell them. I challenge anyone I know to experience what I went through. Lesser people wouldn't have made it a month, let alone two years.

 

Thanks FG for the post.  I know it's been a longer than expected and challenging recovery process for you too.  I didn't expect it to take 18 months either.  Glad to read that you're starting to see some progress as you rebuild your life "after benzos".  Your story shows how many different ways that benzo "fallout" can impact one's life.  Yet, you are resilient and seem to be pushing forward.  The guilt and self criticism seems to also be a part of the recovery process.  Ultimately, we must try to forgive ourselves for making some poor choices and try to hope that others will be able to forgive us for our transgressions as well.  Two years is a long time, FG.  I get the sense that the worst is behind you now.

 

Vertigo

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[6d...]

Hi there Vertigo  :)

 

Congratulations on your healing success  :thumbsup: I am just 15 months as of yesterday and would say I'm hitting around 90% healed. I"m having a few days here and there that are close to normal again. I find myself in a very strange in between state, right now. I know I'm not done healing yet because I have that "looking over my shoulder" feeling still. The days where I feel normal is when that feeling and all s/x are gone. So I struggle with how to be in a benzo healing world but have one foot in a healed world. Did you struggle with this at all? The hardest part for me is when those around me think I'm "back to normal" and want me to be "keeping up" with my old schedule, etc.....but I can't do it just yet. Then I get angry. I get angry at my family, the dr's who prescribed the benzo, my friends who are no longer asking how I'm doing....etc. I'm finding this last few months of healing to be very stressful on relationships. We're all feeling so worn out and tired.

 

 

 

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Hi there Vertigo  :)

 

Congratulations on your healing success  :thumbsup: I am just 15 months as of yesterday and would say I'm hitting around 90% healed. I"m having a few days here and there that are close to normal again. I find myself in a very strange in between state, right now. I know I'm not done healing yet because I have that "looking over my shoulder" feeling still. The days where I feel normal is when that feeling and all s/x are gone. So I struggle with how to be in a benzo healing world but have one foot in a healed world. Did you struggle with this at all? The hardest part for me is when those around me think I'm "back to normal" and want me to be "keeping up" with my old schedule, etc.....but I can't do it just yet. Then I get angry. I get angry at my family, the dr's who prescribed the benzo, my friends who are no longer asking how I'm doing....etc. I'm finding this last few months of healing to be very stressful on relationships. We're all feeling so worn out and tired.

 

Thanks Clementine. I found that early in the second year, I thought I could take on more than I actually could handle.  Thus, my setback at 14 months.  Also, I did consume some coffee and wine which didn't agree with me completely.  As you start feeling more healed, one starts to do more activity and may occasionally lead to a mini setback or perhaps some fatigue.  It's pretty much par for the course.  My CNS was still sensitive to stress in the 2nd year off.  That being said, I took on some challenges that I might not have done before benzos, like coaching my son's sports team... The more we keep getting out, the more confidence one can build.  I like that phrase "one foot out and one foot in the healing world".

 

Vertigo

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