13.5 mnths free - Isolated and Depressed

I'm struggling, not wanting to post anything negative but I'm getting so worried. This week has been so hard. I'm fallen into a bad place in my mind. I'm so depressed and my anxiety is in and out.

 

I still have other withdrawal symptoms like nausea, dizziness, fatigue and some neck/shoulder pain...and of course insomnia but I can live with those.

 

I'm so alone in this. I feel like there are too many hours in the day to have to live like this. I just want to escape.

 

I have some things I do to fill my day but I'm growing tired of them. I have no one to talk to in person, no good conversations during the day. I feel like an alien walking around most of the time.

 

It's so strange. I'm in this huge city with all of these people and I never really talk to anyone.

 

I live for logging into to this site. I'm estatic when I get a PM. I'm craving connection and I can't find it. I'm running out of ideas to keep me busy.

 

This seems like a losing battle.

 

I know this has to pass but it worries me that I will feel like this for a long time.

Hi 2....  Just sent you a pm..  More bbs will chime in.  Stay connected in your replies to other threads in support to other bbs. Start your Buddie Blog.  Everyone gets there and does heal.  Hugs, Patty

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you feel well enough to do any volunteer work? Even on a limited basis? It might be a good way to make connections. I know about feeling lonely and it seems so difficult to reach out. There are many groups that you could probably join in the city. I live in a small town and we don't have a lot. I'm probably not helping but please know that your post touched my heart and I'm sending good thoughts your way.

 

Hugs P2

Awesome idea Phoenix... helping others always makes me feel a little better.  sorry your so sad 2writer, i isolated myself way too much in the beginning but, you have been dealing with it far longer than me  so all I can say is try and get out a little.  Even if just for a walk.  it does wonders.  This time of year a hike is great or just a walk down a city street...Jess

Hi 2....  Just sent you a pm..  More bbs will chime in.  Stay connected in your replies to other threads in support to other bbs. Start your Buddie Blog.  Everyone gets there and does heal.  Hugs, Patty

 

What is a buddy blog and how do we do it?

Hi Lou:

 

Are you feeling worse since you dropped the Lyrica?  I know I went through a spell in June when tapering and dropping the Unisom.  July was 50% better.  Anything that affects the CNS -- you will feel the effects of the drug going up or coming down in your system.  I think you might be feeling the effects of the Lyrica coming down.  Hopefully, you will start feeling better and better.  Do you know the half-life of Lyrica? 

 

Do things that raise your morale -- walk, bask in the sun, read a good book, whatever brings you some satisfaction.  You're gonna get to the other side!

 

Best regards,

Rocko 

Hi 2....  Just sent you a pm..  More bbs will chime in.  Stay connected in your replies to other threads in support to other bbs. Start your Buddie Blog.  Everyone gets there and does heal.  Hugs, Patty

 

What is a buddy blog and how do we do it?

 

Go to main page of forum, scroll down to BUDDIE BLOG..  You start your own blog..  Patty

 

(Hi 2.. I was just in Buddie Blogs... sorry, didn't know you have one..  You have lots of followers, lots of friends.  Your not alone...  Patty)

Lou

 

If you are in a black hole of depression, you should consider an antidepressant. Remeron and Cymbalta are very effective and have low side effect profiles. Remeron may be the best choice because it is cheap and easier to taper than Cymbalta. SSRI's cause too much anxiety, sleep problems and sexual side effects in my opinion.

 

good luck feel better

I am 15 months off and have more that I'd like to do than I possibly can.  I mean, the illness limits a lot, and being broke (literally out of money and living off credit card debt) limits things, too, but I generally find tons of stuff that I'd like to do and then the health and finance will pan out to allow me to do at least some of it. 

 

While there are always the obvious standby's of dvd's, books, and tv, have you tried scouring your local listings?  That is where I get most of my activities.  (And after that I will "like" the page of anything that I enjoyed on facebook so that I can be notified on future happenings.)

 

Now, I am aware that I live in a particularly culture rich city with an unusual amount of damn cool free going's on, but even in small communities there are art openings (free food and drinks and you get to stare at usually cool art!), museums usually have one free day/evening a week, swimming pools should still be open (and ideally you could ride a bike, there), there are hiking trails, and there are always community events.  (I almost went to a free presentation on traveling to/around India that I saw in my community notices section of our city weekly, last week.)  And even if you are in a small town, libraries often have a great deal of interesting free things, there.

 

Just food for thought!

 

Lou

 

If you are in a black hole of depression, you should consider an antidepressant. Remeron and Cymbalta are very effective and have low side effect profiles. Remeron may be the best choice because it is cheap and easier to taper than Cymbalta. SSRI's cause too much anxiety, sleep problems and sexual side effects in my opinion.

 

good luck feel better

 

I know you are intending to be of help to Lou, but please remember to adopt a non prescriptive style of writing. It would be up to Lou and her doctors to decide whether an antidepressant is a viable option. Please read the reference from the forum user manual:

 

Please adopt a non-prescriptive writing style. Relating your experiences, stating options, or posting suggestions of what other members might do, are all welcome. However, advising members of what they should or must do is against the ethos of the BenzoBuddies Community. Nor should you attempt to 'diagnose' medical problems or suggest medical treatments for other members. This policy also applies to members with medical qualifications. A more detailed explanation of this policy can be found in our Guidelines Regarding the Giving of Medical Advice document.

 

pianogirl

Lou- I sent you a pm. Thinking of you!

Hey,

 

I know how you feel like you are in a giant hole and just can't get out. I have days like that too! I am still on V and will be for some time but I managed eight months c/t before I had to reinstate. This time its a slow go around.

What you have to remember is that it can take different amounts of time for each of us to heal, we are all chemically different..some people can get a cut and it heals in a couple days, others it can take a week..the same principle applies to this. I know you feel isolated, I do to, I can't drive or go anywhere..I walk my dogs everyday as therapeutic as it is sometimes, they can be real pieces of work other days and drive me totally insane!! Yesterday my dog ate my shoe....

Personally, I wouldn't change anything medication wise, but that is up to you and your physician. I was on Cymbalta for about two days and the side effects were terrible..I have never sweated so much in my life..except when I was coming off Prozac (I think that was actually worse).

Have you thought about maybe contacting a psychologist or counsellor in your area? It would give you someone to talk to at least. I am trying to get into one because I have a lot of anger over this whole situation. I have tried to not be on here so much as I was letting this become my life and I think it is important for all of us to learn to live again because this illness takes living away from us. It is hard! Learning to get into a normal routine of going out and doing things even when you are not feeling well is hard, take baby steps, try going and doing one small thing every day even if it involves going to a coffee shop and sitting reading the paper and having a cup of tea instead of coffee. Take in a movie. Try joining a meetup group, they are all over the place and it is a great way to meet people! Try volunteering for a cause if you feel up to it! I volunteer for Cystic Fibrosis, it is a very important cause for me as I lost a great friend to the disease and being able to give something back does make you feel better.

 

I wish you all the best and I know things will work out for you. Just remember not to let the way you feel define the way you live your life. Get out, exercise, move around and try and have some happiness!

 

Michelle

Hi 2....  Just sent you a pm..  More bbs will chime in.  Stay connected in your replies to other threads in support to other bbs. Start your Buddie Blog.  Everyone gets there and does heal.  Hugs, Patty

Hey Pattylu,

 

Thanks for the PM. I so appreciate it. I have had a blog for a while. I just haven't felt like writing lately. I'm hoping this will pass soon.

 

Love,

Lou

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you feel well enough to do any volunteer work? Even on a limited basis? It might be a good way to make connections. I know about feeling lonely and it seems so difficult to reach out. There are many groups that you could probably join in the city. I live in a small town and we don't have a lot. I'm probably not helping but please know that your post touched my heart and I'm sending good thoughts your way.

 

Hugs P2

Hi Phoenix2,

I would love to volunteer some where or help others. I just don't know where to start. My mind is very foggy and I get ideas but then I can't really follow through with them. There are a lot of groups here for recovering addicts but not related to what we're going through. I mean, I have no desire to take the medication. I just want to feel more balanced. I've been to some meetings here in my city, which is very large and I haven't met one person who understands this. I'm hoping soon I will find an opportunity to help others, to volunteer or to work part time.

 

Thanks for the ideas.

 

Love,

Lou

Awesome idea Phoenix... helping others always makes me feel a little better.  sorry your so sad 2writer, i isolated myself way too much in the beginning but, you have been dealing with it far longer than me  so all I can say is try and get out a little.  Even if just for a walk.  it does wonders.  This time of year a hike is great or just a walk down a city street...Jess

Hi Jess,

I went out today and walked on the treadmill at the gym. It helped a little but I guess I just feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people. I think it's the lack of understanding that people have regarding this whole process. I know there's not much I can do about it, except ride it out and take care of myself. It's a long hard road but I'm hoping it will pay off soon.

 

Thanks for the suggestions and support.

 

Love,

Lou

Hi Lou:

 

Are you feeling worse since you dropped the Lyrica?  I know I went through a spell in June when tapering and dropping the Unisom.  July was 50% better.  Anything that affects the CNS -- you will feel the effects of the drug going up or coming down in your system.  I think you might be feeling the effects of the Lyrica coming down.  Hopefully, you will start feeling better and better.  Do you know the half-life of Lyrica? 

 

Do things that raise your morale -- walk, bask in the sun, read a good book, whatever brings you some satisfaction.  You're gonna get to the other side!

 

Best regards,

Rocko 

Hi Rocko,

 

It may be the Lyrica. I stopped it about 6.5 weeks ago. I felt more even on the Lyrica but some of the s/x's were unbearable like the severe headaches, the weight gain, the constipation  but I did sleep a little better on it. The biggest difference after stopping the Lyrica is the mood swings and the nausea and IBS. The other thing I've noticed is that after I stopped the Lyrica, I feel like I'm in more of a fog than before.

 

No, I don't know the half life of Lyrica. I guess I should look that up.

 

I guess it's just going to have to take time. Thanks for reminding me that it's probably that lousy Lyrica. I hope you're doing well.

 

Love,

Lou

Hi 2....  Just sent you a pm..  More bbs will chime in.  Stay connected in your replies to other threads in support to other bbs. Start your Buddie Blog.  Everyone gets there and does heal.  Hugs, Patty

 

What is a buddy blog and how do we do it?

 

Go to main page of forum, scroll down to BUDDIE BLOG..  You start your own blog..  Patty

 

(Hi 2.. I was just in Buddie Blogs... sorry, didn't know you have one..  You have lots of followers, lots of friends.  Your not alone...  Patty)

It's ok Patty....no worries. Yes, I'm so blessed to have the support of my BB family. Everyone has been so supportive. I just wish I could see you guys in person some times.

 

Lou

Lou

 

If you are in a black hole of depression, you should consider an antidepressant. Remeron and Cymbalta are very effective and have low side effect profiles. Remeron may be the best choice because it is cheap and easier to taper than Cymbalta. SSRI's cause too much anxiety, sleep problems and sexual side effects in my opinion.

 

good luck feel better

I appreciate the advice but I have been on SSRI's and I've been on Remeron and Cymbalta before. Cymbalta worked for a few months and then it made me have suicidal ideation. Remeron did nothing for me. I had worse depression on a/d's than I have now and I just don't want to go down that road again.

 

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Love,

Lou

I am 15 months off and have more that I'd like to do than I possibly can.  I mean, the illness limits a lot, and being broke (literally out of money and living off credit card debt) limits things, too, but I generally find tons of stuff that I'd like to do and then the health and finance will pan out to allow me to do at least some of it. 

 

While there are always the obvious standby's of dvd's, books, and tv, have you tried scouring your local listings?  That is where I get most of my activities.  (And after that I will "like" the page of anything that I enjoyed on facebook so that I can be notified on future happenings.)

 

Now, I am aware that I live in a particularly culture rich city with an unusual amount of damn cool free going's on, but even in small communities there are art openings (free food and drinks and you get to stare at usually cool art!), museums usually have one free day/evening a week, swimming pools should still be open (and ideally you could ride a bike, there), there are hiking trails, and there are always community events.  (I almost went to a free presentation on traveling to/around India that I saw in my community notices section of our city weekly, last week.)  And even if you are in a small town, libraries often have a great deal of interesting free things, there.

 

Just food for thought!

 

Hi SweetG,

 

I feel like I want to do a lot of things but I can't really commit to anything because I'm so up and down. I have a lot of student loans and debt too and that makes me worry a lot some times. I get motivated to make plans and do things, but then I realize that it's too soon in my recovery and that I need to dial things back.

 

I think you're right about finding things to do here. I live in Los Angeles, CA and there's lots of stuff to do. I kind of hate doing stuff alone right now, but I guess I need to just suck it up and do it. I go to the library a lot....different ones around the city. I think I need to branch out. There is an interesting Cleopatra exhibit I might go to but not sure yet.

 

I have a lot things I can do....an online class, going to the gym, walk my dogs, organize my stuff, work in my garden when it gets cooler. I've noticed that since I stopped the Lyrica I've lost a lost of interest in things I normally do.

 

I will try to get a local paper and see what's going on next week so this doesn't happen again. I guess I need to plan things for myself to do. It seems weird but I guess it's what is necessary.

 

Thanks SweetG. I so appreciate your suggestions.

 

Love,

Lou

Lou

 

If you are in a black hole of depression, you should consider an antidepressant. Remeron and Cymbalta are very effective and have low side effect profiles. Remeron may be the best choice because it is cheap and easier to taper than Cymbalta. SSRI's cause too much anxiety, sleep problems and sexual side effects in my opinion.

 

good luck feel better

 

I know you are intending to be of help to Lou, but please remember to adopt a non prescriptive style of writing. It would be up to Lou and her doctors to decide whether an antidepressant is a viable option. Please read the reference from the forum user manual:

 

Please adopt a non-prescriptive writing style. Relating your experiences, stating options, or posting suggestions of what other members might do, are all welcome. However, advising members of what they should or must do is against the ethos of the BenzoBuddies Community. Nor should you attempt to 'diagnose' medical problems or suggest medical treatments for other members. This policy also applies to members with medical qualifications. A more detailed explanation of this policy can be found in our Guidelines Regarding the Giving of Medical Advice document.

 

pianogirl

Hi pianogirl,

 

I appreciate you posting this. I don't ever want to have to take an a/d again. I've been on most of them in the past and they only make this worse. My doc agrees that

there is no benefit in me taking an SSRI, an SNRI, a mood stabilizer or anything like that. I know people are just trying to help. This is a hard process and we are all different individuals. Medication has never worked for me. I was medication free before this whole thing happened and that is how I want to stay. It's just going to be rough for a while. I'm pressing on.

 

Love,

Lou

Lou- I sent you a pm. Thinking of you!

Hi Spunky,

Thank you for the PM and thinking of me. I so appreciate you standing by me. This is hard. I still feel depressed even after going to the gym and walking but I'm just holding onto hope and faith and trying to believe this is just a bad wave.

 

I hope you're doing ok. I will write to you soon.

 

Love,

Lou

Hey,

 

I know how you feel like you are in a giant hole and just can't get out. I have days like that too! I am still on V and will be for some time but I managed eight months c/t before I had to reinstate. This time its a slow go around.

What you have to remember is that it can take different amounts of time for each of us to heal, we are all chemically different..some people can get a cut and it heals in a couple days, others it can take a week..the same principle applies to this. I know you feel isolated, I do to, I can't drive or go anywhere..I walk my dogs everyday as therapeutic as it is sometimes, they can be real pieces of work other days and drive me totally insane!! Yesterday my dog ate my shoe....

Personally, I wouldn't change anything medication wise, but that is up to you and your physician. I was on Cymbalta for about two days and the side effects were terrible..I have never sweated so much in my life..except when I was coming off Prozac (I think that was actually worse).

Have you thought about maybe contacting a psychologist or counsellor in your area? It would give you someone to talk to at least. I am trying to get into one because I have a lot of anger over this whole situation. I have tried to not be on here so much as I was letting this become my life and I think it is important for all of us to learn to live again because this illness takes living away from us. It is hard! Learning to get into a normal routine of going out and doing things even when you are not feeling well is hard, take baby steps, try going and doing one small thing every day even if it involves going to a coffee shop and sitting reading the paper and having a cup of tea instead of coffee. Take in a movie. Try joining a meetup group, they are all over the place and it is a great way to meet people! Try volunteering for a cause if you feel up to it! I volunteer for Cystic Fibrosis, it is a very important cause for me as I lost a great friend to the disease and being able to give something back does make you feel better.

 

I wish you all the best and I know things will work out for you. Just remember not to let the way you feel define the way you live your life. Get out, exercise, move around and try and have some happiness!

 

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

 

You're right we're all very different chemically that's why I have to try and not think about how long it's been or how long this will take. I walk my dogs a lot too and take them to the beach so they can run. They provide good support but some days I have no patience for them at all. I have a loud parrot too and she just doesn't stop talking at all. I came home today and my dogs had gotten into the trash and it just threw me into an anxiety attack. It's hot here and I had to pick up trash in the  heat for about a half hour. I guess that's my punishment for leaving them alone today.

 

I agree about the medication. Adding anything is only going to complicate this. I was on Cymbalta for a year and it was horrible. It made me feel suicidal. I was on Prozac too and it just made me feel strange and it didn't help at all. I think it's just my brain reorganizing itself and getting back to normal. It sucks but it's what needs to be done.

 

I went to 3 different therapists in the last year and none of them understood this, even after they told me that they did. I just recently found another one, but I'm not sure if I feel like giving it another go. I may try when things smooth out. I was in therapy a long time while on benzos so I've worked out a lot of stuff but I do have a lot of anger about this situation. I try to vent and let it out but it's a lot to handle. I think it's good if you can find someone you trust and can feel comfortable talking to.

 

I get out everyday....go to the gym, the beach, etc. I think I need to expand my resources and look for a place to volunteer, a place to meet others. I hope I can find a place where that is possible. There must be listings online where I can find volunteer opportunities.

 

Where did you find out about volunteering? I appreciate your suggestions. It sounds like you have a very positive outlook.

 

Thank again for your support.

 

Love,

Lou