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13 months off.....want to give up


[2w...]

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I've been having a rough time this past week. I pull myself up but I just keep going into wave after wave.

 

I'm growing weak, wanting to give up. I don't know if it's my circumstances, environment, lack of support or what?

 

I'm having such pain in my neck/shoulder. I feel so worn down that now I'm starting to get waves of anxiety again and the depression is coming back.

 

I feel stuck like I can't give up or get the right support. I'm alone all day. I have my parents but their in their 80's and it's like I'm taking care of them.

 

I've changed everything in my life but I'm still struggling. I feel bored all of the time and I'm tired of doing the same things over and over.

 

I'm sorry to be so negative. I'm not going to do anything drastic but I sure would like to go to the ER about now.

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Hang in there.  You've made it this far.  I am almost 18 months off and have seen huge improvements.  I have the neck and shoulder pain also.  I'm actually thinking of having my neck x-rayed because my range of motion is very limited.  I think I need to do it to make myself feel better.  This is a long process for sure.
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So sorry Lou. Hang in there!

 

Sorry that you don't have much support right now. I do have a lot, but I still feel so alone in this. You do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

 

((((Hugs)))) mmir

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Lou, I had my one and only lifetime panic attack at 13 months. I have had some of my roughest days because I was still symptomatic PLUS I was bored and lonely.

 

If you feel you must go to the ER, is it because you know they will give you some kind of medication? Or is it that you just need some real life person to touch you, to tell you that everything is okay?

 

I am so sorry that I can't take your hand, or really speak to you. You don't want any meds, right? I'm sorry that you are in pain and mostly alone.

 

Please, take a nice hot bath or shower. How about a tylenol for the pain? Do you have any Biofreeze by any chance? It's a roll on pain reliever that really feels good, it even helps my hip, I used to use it for migraines.

 

Can you watch a comedy and let some humor life you?

 

I know you have so very many buddie right here that love you and are your friend.

 

Hang in there Lou, I know it's tough, so very tough even when you are as far out as you are. It will ease up, you have hit a bump in your journey and you will be over it soon. Promise.

 

Love,

 

M.  :smitten:

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[1b...]

I am so sorry to hear that you are still suffering.  Do you have a doggy you could take for a walk, there is nothing like a walk to calm the mind. 

 

Could you join any other forums that hold an interest for you, art? dogs? religion?  At least you could talk and post and not feel so alone and isolated.

 

Do you Journal?  I blog on here and a couple of other sites and it really helps - but I also manually journal too, and I write things in my manual journal that I wouldn't necessarily write on a board or get away with - like very nasty cussing about these benzos.....lol  :crazy:

 

Another small distraction you may be able to use is giving yourself a manicure/pedicure, doing your hair, I find it a distraction and it helps me feel better about myself.

 

I hope some or any of these suggestions help, I am only at the beginning of my journey, but I like to believe in this quote;

 

Happiness comes from recognising that the greatest loss in life is actually what we allow to die within us while we live - not death itself.

 

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Lou

Pack your bags. Get on the train. Get up here. Seriously.

I know you are hurting my friend. I am so sorry.

Come hang out. We will walk the beach, cry an ocean of tears together and laugh when we are through.

This is the hardest thing you will have to do. You are healing. It takes time.

I know it sucks. But there is nothing to do but to live each day as best as you can.

 

I'll touch base tomorrow with you.

XO

 

 

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Lou-You reached your hand out to me and I'm hanging on. I am so sorry for all your suffering. My Dad would've been 90 next month and my mom is 85. So I understand about having your parents but feeling like a care giver. It is hard at this point in our lives without the whole benzo thing. Please hang on to me and maybe we can both make it out of this hole. My prayers are with you.
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I've been having a rough time this past week. I pull myself up but I just keep going into wave after wave.

 

I'm growing weak, wanting to give up. I don't know if it's my circumstances, environment, lack of support or what?

 

I'm having such pain in my neck/shoulder. I feel so worn down that now I'm starting to get waves of anxiety again and the depression is coming back.

 

I feel stuck like I can't give up or get the right support. I'm alone all day. I have my parents but their in their 80's and it's like I'm taking care of them.

 

I've changed everything in my life but I'm still struggling. I feel bored all of the time and I'm tired of doing the same things over and over.

 

I'm sorry to be so negative. I'm not going to do anything drastic but I sure would like to go to the ER about now.

 

Hi 2writerlu.  It can be frustrating to still feel weak and anxious at 13 months off.  I had a pretty big setback around 14 months off after my family got a puppy, which created all sorts of challenges with stress, early morning wake ups... it was all too much for my CNS for a period of weeks.  I really do believe my CNS was still vulnerable to unusual stress at that juncture.  The good news is that it settled down after a few weeks.  Yet, at 14 months, things were down like they might be fore you right now.  Setbacks are not uncommon even in the 2nd year off the benzo.  What do you think the ER can do for you?  They might give you a rescue dose of ativan (which may not be a great idea) or something for the neck pain.  Do you have any other life threatening symtpoms?

 

Vertigo

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Lou-You reached your hand out to me and I'm hanging on. I am so sorry for all your suffering. My Dad would've been 90 next month and my mom is 85. So I understand about having your parents but feeling like a care giver. It is hard at this point in our lives without the whole benzo thing. Please hang on to me and maybe we can both make it out of this hole. My prayers are with you.

 

I can relate to Spunky's post too, 2writelu, and to your own caregiving situation.  It's not easy being a caregiver to an elderly parent.  My father recently turned 90 and has had cancer for a number of years.  In fact, my dad's cancer and the increasing care was part of the reason I first took valium (having difficulty coping with that situation).  No doubt it's rough having your own health problems while also having elderly parents who need your attention and care.

 

Hang in there,

 

Vertigo

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Lou

Please let us know how you are doing today. I am worried about you.

 

Ditto. You aren't answering your texts messages. :(

We love you.

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Hi Lou,

I don't have any support here either. I got so sick of no one understanding I gave up but it sure wouldbe Nice to head how are u feeling once in awhile.

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Hey Lou:

 

We're here for you!!  Can you take Tylenol or Advil for the neck and shoulder pain?  Advil does not cause me any problems when I need to take it. 

 

You are weathering another storm -- but it will blow out and you will feel much better.  Hang on because I feel a nice wave coming your way again.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

GBYB,

Rocko

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Hi Lou,

 

Things any better the last several days? I hope so, these darn things are like a great big Ferris Wheel, up and down, round and round, no wonder we're all so dizzy!  :D

 

M.  :)

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Hi Lou :hug:

 

Let us know how you are doing, i was just like you at this stage in recovery, you have come a long way Lou, hang in there

 

Your going to get through it, It will pass and you will feel better again

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

Magrita :smitten:

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Thank you for all of your very supportive posts. I'm still hanging in there. I realized Monday that I had taken a zyrtec.....something I haven't taken in a a few months and it gave me the worst wd symptoms. I felt like I was starting over. The week before it was the massage. So, now I'm leary about doing anything different.

 

Mornings are still really bad. I woke up last night at 3 am with adrenaline and a powerful headache which threw me into a mini-anxiety attack. I finally got back to sleep but when I woke up the pain in my neck/shoulder was worse and now is on the left side too. I feel like I have IBS in the morning, maybe it's just morning nausea. I'm not sure. I still have really bad fatigue too. I wish I could sleep in or tap naps to get more rest but I just can't rest during the day. It's been 110 degrees here everyday this week and I'm wondering if that could play a role in how I feel.

 

Again, I want thank you guys for being so supportive and kind in your messages. You touched my heart. I'm trying to push on. I really don't have much of a choice.

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Lou- I have had awful reactions to antihistamines. I am so sorry you did. The heat can really stress your body. Our heat and humidity makes it hard to go out. Please stay strong. The middle of the night stuff feels like it will never end, but everyone says it does. I am praying for you.
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Hey Spunky,

 

I think you're right. The heat is just making me feel so stressed out and tired. It makes the fatigue so much worse. My doc said that extreme weather will make this process harder and I guess she was right.

 

So, you wake up in the middle of the night too? I hate it. I'm already in a room by myself and I just hate waking up in such a panic and feeling so alone. I'm so tired of feeling sick and talking about how sick I've been. I just want this to be over. I keep reading about people taking 3 or more years. I'm guessing it will take at least 2 and that's way too long as it is, so I hope it doesn't take longer.

 

Thanks for your support Spunky. I hope you're doing okay.

 

Love,

Lou

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What time zone are you in? Maybe ww are waking up at the same time and could keep each other company. Is that your pooch in the pic? I usually wake between 3 and 4:30 - histamine levels and cortisol are the highest then so I suppose that's what does it. I don't feel as bad when it happens. I use to be very shaky and scared. Don't read the 3 or more year stuff because that won't be you. You are still inside 18 months. I wish I was close enough to come over and hold your hand. Thinking of you..........
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Lou, those that have healed say life is beautiful, do not give up on your own miracle, it is going to happen, it is fact... all of this will be over, a new and better life is just ahead... trust in it please.

 

Oscar

 

 

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Spunky.....I sent you a PM. I hope we can talk soon. Thanks so much for your support.

 

Oscar.....I don't want to give up but you know how those days are when you can't think rationally. I know I am healing I just get so drained and worn down some times, it makes me feel like I can't hold on any longer. I love you quote in your signature line. I need that tattoed on my arm or something. I'm holding on tonight after a miserable day but I was able to pull out it thank God ! I even called my GP and hung up on her and then called a new psychiatrist. I'm glad I didn't go to the ER or make an appointment....they wouldn't know what to do.

 

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. I so appreciate your love, encouragement and support. I couldn't do it without any of you !!

 

Love,

Lou

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Oscar said it best, dont quit before the miracle.

There is no drug to stop the suffering, Only time.

There is nothing a doc can do except listen.

Keep reaching out for support when you need it.

Take as much as you need, and then some for good measure, ok?

 

We are here for you.

You are at the end of another day benzo free and healing.

That is awesome!

 

Praying for you my friend.

 

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Thank you so much RFB ! I will be leaning on you guys a lot from here on out. I have to stop isolating and trying to control this myself, it doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I know the doc's won't know what to do and mine doesn't even listen anyway.....she just says why are you doing this ?

 

Thanks for being there for me. I never would have dreamed that I would receive so much loving support here. It has been a blessing to me.

 

Love you !

Hugs,

Lou

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