28 month free update

Hi everyone,

 

I posted a success story at 17 months off and then got sick again from months 18-26 so I thought I'd post an update now that I am feeling better.

 

I'm still unsure whether or not this can count as a success story because I may get sick again...you all know how it goes, but at least maybe this will provide some with some hope out there that are over the two year mark and wondering if they will ever be okay again.

 

From month 18-26 I stagnated and didn't see any real improvement.  But at 26 months, I started getting some very real windows which gave me some much needed encouragement.  In the past two months I have seen major progress that can't just be chalked up to my wishful imagination any longer.  It is real!  I have clarity of thought and a clear feeling in my head, the depression has lifted (but it comes and goes), my motivation and idealism and passion for things is returning (still not like it once was), the benzo rage has lessened tremendously, the intrusive thoughts are mostly gone and only appear upon wakening.  The anxiety is gone (and I never had anxiety issues before benzos). 

 

I still have tinnitus which sucks but oh well.  I can deal with that as long as the horrible mental stuff disappeared.  One of my worst symptoms was GI issues.  I had very bad stomach cramping and diarrhea every morning the first five months off.  The cramping was so bad I'd almost pass out.  I've since found out that it is a syndrome related to the Vagus nerve which is the main nerve in the CNS.  My BP would drop so low, I would sweat, it was one of my worst symptoms.  After about 5 months it would come in waves.  Well, I haven't had any stomach issues in two months now. 

 

After the first year, probably the most difficult aspect of wd for me was not really knowing for sure if what I was experiencing was actually protracted withdrawal or something else.  The depression was SO bad.  The anhedonia was severe.  I spent most of my life in bed.  It was really no way to live at all.  I felt stuck in this mind altered world without any motivation to do the simplest tasks.  I had no feelings of pleasure or excitement for anything.  Nothing motivated me.  I felt no purpose in living but I do not believe in suicide so I knew there had to be a reason for me to still be alive.  So I chose to just keep surviving.  And that is truly all it was.  It was just survival. 

 

And after 26 months of it, little by little small pieces of the withdrawal would just start breaking off bit by bit.  I worried I would have PTSD for sure, but I don't.  It is amazing when that veil of withdrawal is lifted how your perspective on everything changes completely. 

 

I didn't take any meds at all throughout all this or drink any alcohol.  And I do believe exercise is important but I think it needs to be very light exercise in withdrawal.  I started up a heavy training program at 2 years out while also working a stressful full time job and many of the severe symptoms I thought were gone came back.  I know there is something to the HPA axis being disrupted in withdrawal as well as from heavy exercise.  I stopped working out for a month and left my stressful job.  I've taken the summer to just relax and walk for 30 minutes a day.  I eat healthy.  I also noticed symptoms increased from drinking fluoridated water so I drink only Dasani bottled water now (I found out reverse osmosis is the only treatment that gets the fluoride out). 

 

Throughout withdrawal I had all kinds of irrational fears which would then turn into intrusive thoughts that looped in my head almost nonstop.  It was anxiety provoking and I really couldn't ever find that sought after peace of mind. 

 

So, for those of you that are still feeling that something is just not right, you still feel a bit off even after 2 years, it's quite possible it's still withdrawal.  I could go on and on and on about all my weird symptoms and how drawn out and awful the whole process was, how it changed me as a person, how I learned amazing strategies to cope, etc. but I'll just leave it at this:  my brain and body repaired itself.  It took a long time but it went back to normal.  I don't think I am ready to say I am 100% healed and recovered because I know my CNS is still fragile and I have to be careful to avoid stress as much as possible, but the healing that has occurred in just the last two months has renewed my faith in the healing process.

 

I'll update again at the 3 year mark.  If anyone has any questions just reply to this thread and I'll try to answer them as quickly as I can. 

Hey L 123,

 

Thank you for the update,I do have a question well several,so here I am reading your status and feel just all alone in this nightmare.I am 27 months off today,and in another low period,the mental stuff and pelvic pains will not end.

The mornings are still terrible,sometimes by early afternoon things are less and even less by early evening although not always the case.

If I were to rate my agony most days I am a 6-7 , with 10 being the worst,I have had some short breaks past 2 plus years but never more than an day and never reached complete normal baseline.

I thought surely by now I would feel better but for the most part I am stuck,I am not much better this past year and now I feel I will never see significant progress.

I had another big cancer scare had surgery few weeks ago sure doesnt help thinking about what if constantly.I sure would be able to handle another health crisis if my symptoms mostly mental would just calm down some.

My question is with 27 months of this nightmare ongoing how can I ever just recover ,feel like this anxiety and depression ,dizziness ,heavy head stuff will never go away from my memory PTSD for sure.Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated,I am soo scared it is so hard to keep going,I still cant work or do much ,just could care less about everything worthwhile in life.

Sorry to complain but I feel I have reached near end of being able to cope on and on without

some real sign of healing .

Rondo

Congrats on your healing. May it continue to improve.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

 

I think 2-4 years is more common than we think for this process.

Glad you are turning big corners.

 

happy to hear L123 you feel that your in fact mending and healing...i was looking back through your posts and noticed that perhaps you had a DOUBLE withdrawal going on....one from Benzos and the other from Effexor. I have noticed from numerous persons on here that sometimes it takes a little extra time when additional people have taken extra meds or extra meds have been added to the mix that is why I dont think trying different things to alleviate the sxs of withdrawal is a very good idea. Anways, may your 3rd date or even sooner than that have you completely and utterly healed!

 

Peace to with you.

 

Carlos

mtnhigh

Hey L 123,

 

Thank you for the update,I do have a question well several,so here I am reading your status and feel just all alone in this nightmare.I am 27 months off today,and in another low period,the mental stuff and pelvic pains will not end.

The mornings are still terrible,sometimes by early afternoon things are less and even less by early evening although not always the case.

If I were to rate my agony most days I am a 6-7 , with 10 being the worst,I have had some short breaks past 2 plus years but never more than an day and never reached complete normal baseline.

I thought surely by now I would feel better but for the most part I am stuck,I am not much better this past year and now I feel I will never see significant progress.

I had another big cancer scare had surgery few weeks ago sure doesnt help thinking about what if constantly.I sure would be able to handle another health crisis if my symptoms mostly mental would just calm down some.

My question is with 27 months of this nightmare ongoing how can I ever just recover ,feel like this anxiety and depression ,dizziness ,heavy head stuff will never go away from my memory PTSD for sure.Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated,I am soo scared it is so hard to keep going,I still cant work or do much ,just could care less about everything worthwhile in life.

Sorry to complain but I feel I have reached near end of being able to cope on and on without

some real sign of healing .

Rondo

 

Hi Rondo,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your cancer scare.  I hope everything turns out okay for you.  That would be difficult to face especially in withdrawal.  To answer your question, I don't know how it goes away.  I can only speak for myself but I did find I miraculously started just feeling better around 26 months off.  It wouldn't last long.  But these last two months things just feel different.  I have no way to explain it except that I have been resting a lot and relieving a lot of stress from my life.  I just don't know. 

 

But I do know that those of us dealing with this for such a sustained amount of time really do struggle.  I don't think you will have PTSD from it all, ,though, because when you start feeling good your perspective changes...at least mine did.  The "problem" I have had is wanting to go catch up on much of life that I've missed out on for the past few years.  I need to pace myself because I know my CNS is still fragile. 

 

I don't know when your time is coming where you will have some noticeable changes for the better.  I've read many stories of people taking 2-4 years to heal.  I've also seen quite a few members here start to feel more hopeful in their recovery between the 26-28 month mark.  I'm sorry because I do know what a tremendous difficulty protracted withdrawal is this far out.  When you do start to get those lifts, though, it gives one a lot of hope for a full recovery. 

Congrats on your healing. May it continue to improve.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

 

I think 2-4 years is more common than we think for this process.

Glad you are turning big corners.

 

I agree.

happy to hear L123 you feel that your in fact mending and healing...i was looking back through your posts and noticed that perhaps you had a DOUBLE withdrawal going on....one from Benzos and the other from Effexor. I have noticed from numerous persons on here that sometimes it takes a little extra time when additional people have taken extra meds or extra meds have been added to the mix that is why I dont think trying different things to alleviate the sxs of withdrawal is a very good idea. Anways, may your 3rd date or even sooner than that have you completely and utterly healed!

 

Peace to with you.

 

Carlos

 

 

mtnhigh

 

Hi Carlos,

 

Yes, I agree.  I tapered off Effexor and then jumped only two months before getting off the benzo.  The Effexor withdrawal was really awful for the first month and then I was okay but I am starting to believe that I did have a double whammy between getting off the a/d and benzo so close together. 

I'm so happy to read this I was so worried about you.  I'm heading into month 23 and things are still hard but I found that if I keep the negative people out of my life I don't have as much anxiety.  I still hate my job so being there is still hard but I'm coping.  I'm just so glad you are doing so much better.  I've been watching you for so long just waiting for a post like this and it gives me such hope. 

Hugs

Kristin

Dearest Rondo,

 

I could have written exactly what you posted to L123.  Yes, we have suffered long and hard and our lifts are rare and short and we are hanging on.

 

Much of what L123 wrote about the suffering I also relate to and experience it. 

 

What L123 said in answer to your question is so true.  The lifts or windows just come, or feeling better just happens.  It is like a miracle.  The only reason I know this is because when I have gotten a rare little lift, it just comes and it just happens and nothing I did or could do made it come of happen, it just happened on its own.

 

The last half lift I had was on July 19th.  I had had the usual out of my mind and un-humanly physically sick morning and then the continued cycling of moods and symptoms all day which causes me to be debilitated sitting and trying to do the smallest of tasks with no motivation or energy and just dragging through the minutes with no purpose or meaning in my life. 

 

So I was going through another day of that and I got up out of the chair and went into the kitchen to try to cook.  I could hardly make myself move to try to cook the food that I had no appetite to eat and I was resenting that I was cooking and that my husband would be able bodied and minded to enjoy this lazagna I was trying to put together, and I was also resenting myself for being resentful and resenting that I was still feeling this way again and it has been never ending.

 

So like I said, here I was in the midst of all of these symptoms with the worst hopdless whiner type attitude and then it just happened.  What happened?  A sort of half way lift happened.  It was like all this heavy burdensome load of symptoms just lifted coming off of my forehead and eyes and it just lifted softly and I was standing there in the middle of trying to move my hands in grief and irritation trying assemble the lazagna and the lift happened without anything I could think, do, drum up, say or pray.  It just happened and then I physically felt lighter and a relaxed sort of sigh of joy came and a half smile.  Then it was much easier to fix the lazagna with a sense of interest or some relief or some pleasure.  It was just a little bit of these good senses but it was just enough to go from complete darkness to a little bit of light and all I need is just a tiny bit of light to make a huge difference in just trying to survive suffering to living just a little. 

 

You know I am just reminded of something I read a long time ago.  It said something to the effect that it only takes a match of light to light up a whole room of darkness.  That is the way it is for us.  We just need a little bit to turn the corner and be on our way, because a little bit feels like a lot.

 

But like L123 said, it is like a miracle when we just start feeling better and I hope that is soon for you and all our friends in our protracted time frame.  I am always thinking about how you are doing and all the other friends in our time frame and my husband and I pray for you all.

 

I know what you mean Rondo about sometimes feeling just a little better during the day and hoping it will just grow.  I will go for weeks and weeks and then maybe think that I could feel better but then it just doesn't seem to grow or turn and after being this far out it is just so hard when we just want to turn the corner.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the times you posted to me and urged me to keep going.  That is hard for me to say and to take my own medicine.  I just don't know how to keep going but we must.  There is no other way.  I have been very scared of the horrible mornings and intrusive out of my mind thoughts and emotional feelings that are so physical and don't even have a name and just don't seem human and the ongoing physical and emotional depression, anxiety and rage and just all of it.  It is just too much to describe and yet I am just to verbose about it and forgive me.

 

Everyone who has healed says that our mornings will just get better and so we must trust what they keep telling us.

 

One friend said that he just kept telling himself that it has to stop sometime, it just has too and it finally did for him and that was 6 years ago for him and he is thriving.  I called one friend on the phone and he said that the mornings just get better and the symptoms just stop and he has been really doing great and healing and healing and healing.  He said that it just gets better and better and that others had told him the same.  I just have to hear this constantly.

 

But again, so many urge us to keep going and we just must.  I really really really really really hope that we will turn the corner soon.  We just have to get through this day again together.

 

If I have been saying way too much and complaining about myself way too much please forgive me one more time.

 

But for sure I just wanted you to know that my husband and I do pray for you and when I can't even pray, my husband prays.

 

Thank you L123 for posting and helping Rondo and the rest of us.  We are thankful for you.  Hope4us

P.S. Oh Rondo, I forgot to finish my story about my half way lift on July 19th. . .I just got off track.

 

Anyway, as I described this lift just happened while I was trying to force myself to cook.  It just came and it happened in the late afternoon.  So when it did and I easily finished assembling the food and put it in the oven.  Then I just walked out of the kitchen breathing a relaxed sigh with a little joy and a half smile.  I just sat down and sat there feeling better and all I wanted to do was just sit there and feel what it feels like to feel a little bit better which feels like a whole lot better.

 

Then someone knocked on our door and instead of feeling anxiety and going to the back room to hide, I wanted to answer the door and I did.  It was okay because it was actually a neighbor who knows what I have been going through and about a month had passed and he wanted to just stop by to see if I was doing any better.  He is the only neighbor who actually read and read benzobuddies to understand what is going on with me.  Most do not. 

 

But anyway, he came in and sat with my husband and I for an hour or more and I gave him the update telling him that it has been grim for weeks but that just a little while before he knocked on the door I had gotten a lift.  For the first time that I have known him we actually talked about his life and not my suffering.  I could actually be interested in the good things that were going on in his life instead of being jealous and left out for having to hear it all.  I mean I was really interested and asking him questions. 

 

He said that it was good to see me smiling and I told him that it wasn't a fake smile but that there was a warmth behind it for his friendship.  Oh dear Father, that felt so good.  Please bring it on again and let it stay for all of us.  Amen.

 

But anyway, I just wanted to finish telling you what my lift was like on July 19th.  Hope4us

I'm so happy to read this I was so worried about you.  I'm heading into month 23 and things are still hard but I found that if I keep the negative people out of my life I don't have as much anxiety.  I still hate my job so being there is still hard but I'm coping.  I'm just so glad you are doing so much better.  I've been watching you for so long just waiting for a post like this and it gives me such hope. 

Hugs

Kristin

 

Thanks, Kristin.  You are right.  This was another coping strategy I learned, too.  I found I was highly sensitive to many things in withdrawal...including negative/abusing/unhealthy people.  If I was even in a room with someone who was angry I could feel it to my core and had to get away.  In wd we are like the opposite of the teflon man, we absorb everything around us including others' negativity.  I had to completely cut out some people in my life and I have not once regretted it.  It has been a huge weight off my back and this is just one important life lesson this protracted withdrawal has taught me. 

 

I hope you feel better soon.  I've watched your difficult journey, as well, and you deserve a break.  When none of my other tricks worked, the last one that did was just telling myself to live....just don't kill myself and this has to get better.  There was some song on the radio that says something about the sun always comes back again and I was thinking, well, this has been one super long dark night of the soul then.  And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just not kill yourself.  That sounds awful, but I am pretty sure that others who have endured protracted withdrawal will understand that completely.

Dearest Rondo,

 

I could have written exactly what you posted to L123.  Yes, we have suffered long and hard and our lifts are rare and short and we are hanging on.

 

Much of what L123 wrote about the suffering I also relate to and experience it. 

 

What L123 said in answer to your question is so true.  The lifts or windows just come, or feeling better just happens.  It is like a miracle.  The only reason I know this is because when I have gotten a rare little lift, it just comes and it just happens and nothing I did or could do made it come of happen, it just happened on its own.

The last half lift I had was on July 19th.  I had had the usual out of my mind and un-humanly physically sick morning and then the continued cycling of moods and symptoms all day which causes me to be debilitated sitting and trying to do the smallest of tasks with no motivation or energy and just dragging through the minutes with no purpose or meaning in my life. 

 

So I was going through another day of that and I got up out of the chair and went into the kitchen to try to cook.  I could hardly make myself move to try to cook the food that I had no appetite to eat and I was resenting that I was cooking and that my husband would be able bodied and minded to enjoy this lazagna I was trying to put together, and I was also resenting myself for being resentful and resenting that I was still feeling this way again and it has been never ending.

 

So like I said, here I was in the midst of all of these symptoms with the worst hopdless whiner type attitude and then it just happened.  What happened?  A sort of half way lift happened.  It was like all this heavy burdensome load of symptoms just lifted coming off of my forehead and eyes and it just lifted softly and I was standing there in the middle of trying to move my hands in grief and irritation trying assemble the lazagna and the lift happened without anything I could think, do, drum up, say or pray.  It just happened and then I physically felt lighter and a relaxed sort of sigh of joy came and a half smile.  Then it was much easier to fix the lazagna with a sense of interest or some relief or some pleasure.  It was just a little bit of these good senses but it was just enough to go from complete darkness to a little bit of light and all I need is just a tiny bit of light to make a huge difference in just trying to survive suffering to living just a little. 

 

You know I am just reminded of something I read a long time ago.  It said something to the effect that it only takes a match of light to light up a whole room of darkness.  That is the way it is for us.  We just need a little bit to turn the corner and be on our way, because a little bit feels like a lot.

 

But like L123 said, it is like a miracle when we just start feeling better and I hope that is soon for you and all our friends in our protracted time frame.  I am always thinking about how you are doing and all the other friends in our time frame and my husband and I pray for you all.

 

I know what you mean Rondo about sometimes feeling just a little better during the day and hoping it will just grow.  I will go for weeks and weeks and then maybe think that I could feel better but then it just doesn't seem to grow or turn and after being this far out it is just so hard when we just want to turn the corner.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the times you posted to me and urged me to keep going.  That is hard for me to say and to take my own medicine.  I just don't know how to keep going but we must.  There is no other way.  I have been very scared of the horrible mornings and intrusive out of my mind thoughts and emotional feelings that are so physical and don't even have a name and just don't seem human and the ongoing physical and emotional depression, anxiety and rage and just all of it.  It is just too much to describe and yet I am just to verbose about it and forgive me.

 

Everyone who has healed says that our mornings will just get better and so we must trust what they keep telling us.

One friend said that he just kept telling himself that it has to stop sometime, it just has too and it finally did for him and that was 6 years ago for him and he is thriving.  I called one friend on the phone and he said that the mornings just get better and the symptoms just stop and he has been really doing great and healing and healing and healing.  He said that it just gets better and better and that others had told him the same.  I just have to hear this constantly.

 

But again, so many urge us to keep going and we just must.  I really really really really really hope that we will turn the corner soon.  We just have to get through this day again together.

 

If I have been saying way too much and complaining about myself way too much please forgive me one more time.

 

But for sure I just wanted you to know that my husband and I do pray for you and when I can't even pray, my husband prays.

 

Thank you L123 for posting and helping Rondo and the rest of us.  We are thankful for you.  Hope4us

 

 

Hope, you are much better at articulating the "lifts" and what they feel like when they occur.  I've always followed your blog and I think when you are healed it would make a great book for someone else going through protracted withdrawal.  The lift you had on July 19th is one of many to come.  This is how it started happening for me after that long dry period from month 18-26 where nothing seemed to change.  My first real lift was about two months ago and, like you, I remember it so vividly.  I woke up feeling fine, no stomach cramping, no anxiety, no intrusive thoughts, no depression....nothing.  In fact, I even had 10 minutes where I had no tinnitus.  I thought, "I couldn't even make this up, I do not have any ringing in my ears...that is a fact."  I felt that like all the way until that evening when it all came back.  But over the course of the next two months, that same thing starting happening.

 

For the last two weeks I have woken up without any stomach issues at all.  Not even a little bit.  So, yes, it happens just that way.  A good hour here, a couple of good hours there, the following week a good day, the next week, three good days in a row.  Two weeks ago I had 8 good days in a row!  And now, I might have a bad day or a bad night, but they're not even BAD BAD like they were before...just discouraging.  I don't have to wait very long any more for the good days to come back.  It's great.

 

I remember reading a success story from a women who went through protracted withdrawal and her response was something like life is great after withdrawal because everything is wonderful and nothing sucks.  I mean, that was her response? I thought.  Well, yeah, that's pretty much what it comes down to after dealing with this for so long.  It's as simple as that.  After withdrawal, everything does look wonderful...even the things we once thought mundane, like going to the grocery store.  Y'know why?  Because we get to go to the grocery store and not have a panic attack because we're no longer agoraphobic, we can be around people and even smile with those who are smiling, too, we can pick out food without dizzy spells or heart palpitations, we don't feel paranoid and we can choose a cereal without having constant negative/fearful intrusive thoughts.  I can go on and on but yeah, even the mundane is wonderful when you are recovered/mostly recovered.  Even the mundane. 

 

And the stuff that I thought was awful, terrible or difficult in life?  Throughout withdrawal I had to learn how to realize that just about nothing we think matters actually does.  And I mean that.  Nothing.  If you can't pay your mortgage, it's okay (and I was in that situation, guess what? you get through), you don't get the job you want?  It's ok...there was a better one waiting in the future.  Pretty much what I learned is that life comes down to loving yourself and loving other people...anything else is just superfluous and mostly irrelevant.  So yeah, once we're mostly healed or healed, it's true, "everything is great and nothing sucks". 

 

P.S.  I know you and Mr. Hope pray for us all and I have always been grateful for your prayers.  I have prayed for you, too, and I still will until you heal...and you will. 

THanks for coming back to reassure us L123. I was wondering if you have an idea of the reason for the 18 month relapse. Stress? Food? Illness? Or simply just another wave?

 

I was also wondering if you've been under stress lately and whether you've had any short-term relapses from the stress.

 

It is okay if you don't feel like answering these.

 

Thanks so much and glad you're doing better!!!!  :thumbsup:

Thanks for posting L123,  I was looking for someone who has struggled protracted w/d! I was on K for 20 years, first did a 30 re-hab c/t...then had to reinstate, did a slow taper of nearly 1 1/2 years. Anyway, I have been benzo free for 22 months now, I have also came of Remeron and prozac for over a year. I was feeling realy good, but now i'm kinda slammed with syx's. I have the insomnia, morning awefulness, anxiety and depression have krept back in, as well! I was really feeling hopeful, really trying not to get down about this...it's hard! I would appreciate any of your thoughts/encouragment.Thanks, Mary

Great story....I am 21 months off....things would get better and then BAM like you said....I still have major sensetivity with food...and the vagus nerve that you mentioned keeps pulsing at times with acidity and bloating and it just doesn't feel right I guess food triggers a lot of sxs...and your recovery is all about giving what your body can handle at this stage....that refers to me cause everybody is diffrent through this process....like a week ago I was feeling really better driving going to malls and bying things.. it was fine not great but fine, I even thought that I am done and got the courage to eat some nuts and also went nuts for 10 days on a row, I think it had additives or something, and then things starting to get better again and soo on and soo on....thanks for you lovely and reasssuring words stay well and continue your recovery

Rondo, L and Hope thank you for posting these thoughts.  It helps so much to make it through another day.

 

Sharil

I have been told that getting slammed at 22-24 months is not unheard of and that if happens often....so just hold on and hope that is true and that it will be good news afterwards....L123 - so glad to hear you are doing better...I'll be in touch soon.

Hoping2BFree

Been slammed myself for the past 8 months. Thanks for updating

Hugs

 

Dear Friends who have put in much healing time and still struggling after two years,

 

We are walking through the valley of the shadow of death but it is just a shadow and so we must keep walking through it and there will be light on the other side.  You know there is light because a shadow cannot be a shadow unless light is shining to cast the shadow.  So the shadow covers the valley and we are walking through this valley day by day and it is taking time to get to the other side of the valley and start stepping up into the light. 

 

I am struggling again today but I know that I am not alone because of my friends here. 

 

Rondo I wanted to send you a PM but your box said it was full.  Hope4us

 

 

 

 

L, I ran across this story of yours just when i needed it most. I'm having a night of doubt, my mind has been wandering thinking how can this still be wd? Lately the mental fatigue has been SO BAD i cant hardly make it through the day, all my brain wants to do is just zone out. I also have that swimmy headed feeling back too. I worry all the time that it might be cased by the trazodone i take to sleep. I am 14 months off and thought i would feel better by now. BUT, then again, i look back on how bad i was during the years in interdose wd, and I also look back on how some things have healed (like the nerve pain!!!  ) and i realize that I have made progress. I just wish i could make the progress that matters the most... the progress of my brain sputtering back to life finally, giving me back my soul...

 

 

I'm so happy for you, go out and have a good life and don't even look back.

I just wish i could make the progress that matters the most... the progress of my brain sputtering back to life finally, giving me back my soul...

 

Love these words....this is what we're all striving for...our soul!

THanks for coming back to reassure us L123. I was wondering if you have an idea of the reason for the 18 month relapse. Stress? Food? Illness? Or simply just another wave?

 

I was also wondering if you've been under stress lately and whether you've had any short-term relapses from the stress.

It is okay if you don't feel like answering these.

 

Thanks so much and glad you're doing better!!!!  :thumbsup:

 

Hi mmir,

 

Yes I do think there were some things that contributed to my relapse in symptoms.  This is just a hunch, but I think if I had been able to not work throughout the wd period, I might be totally healed by now.  Just guessing, but I think if I had been able to stay home and just rest, I would have healed by 18 months.  I had to go back to work full time, at a new job, at only 5 months out from detox.  I was nowhere ready to do that.  I continued working full time for over a year struggling through almost every day at work.  At 18 months, my body just could no longer handle it and I left that job.  I tried working again full time at 22 months out.  I lasted 3 months and then had to quit because my symptoms got so bad.  This was also a very, very stressful and high responsibility job working as a licensed professional counselor in an inpatient setting.  The patients were all very, very sick and it was not only physically but emotionally taxing.

 

During that time, I also started a very heavy workout program with a personal trainer.  I was doing hardcore training almost daily.  I was 2 years out and thought I'd be fine.  I've since learned that even if we FEEL healed, we still need to do things in moderation as it is quite likely we will shake up our CNS again.  Lesson learned!

 

So yes, in a way, it is possible to "speed up healing" by avoiding any kind of stress as much as possible.  Unfortunately, that is also fairly unrealistic.  It would be nice if we could all go to a spa during withdrawal!

 

I'm not working now and as far as exercise goes, I'm just walking for 30 minutes or so a day.  I do not allow negative people into my life, I'm learning to let little things go that used to bother me...perfectionistic traits like needing to have my car or house clean, rushing to get places early or on time, etc.  Wd is a forced life course in letting go of unhealthy type A behaviors!  I imagine once I am fully healed, I will have been forced to learn and practice all these techniques that not much will ruffle my feathers again.  It's liberating. 

 

So yes, I think working full time and strenuous exercise over a three month period really caused the relapse in symptoms.  I can't say for sure, of course, but that is my belief in hindsight. 

 

Best advice: take it as easy as possible in withdrawal and if you're feeling better or in a window, don't overdo it. 

Thanks for posting L123,  I was looking for someone who has struggled protracted w/d! I was on K for 20 years, first did a 30 re-hab c/t...then had to reinstate, did a slow taper of nearly 1 1/2 years. Anyway, I have been benzo free for 22 months now, I have also came of Remeron and prozac for over a year. I was feeling realy good, but now i'm kinda slammed with syx's. I have the insomnia, morning awefulness, anxiety and depression have krept back in, as well! I was really feeling hopeful, really trying not to get down about this...it's hard! I would appreciate any of your thoughts/encouragment.Thanks, Mary

 

I went to rehab for 30 days also.  They "tapered" me off of two benzos in 13 days.  They told me I'd be fine within a week.  I didn't know anything about benzos then so I was confused when I kept getting sicker and sicker after a week.  Rehab is a nightmare for people wanting to come off benzos.  I was the only one there at the time who wasn't a true addict.  Even those were were using benzos to get high had less trouble with wd.  Most were fine after a week or two months at most.  I think the difference is those people used high doses of benzos to get high but not on a daily basis.  I took my benzo as prescribed EVERY night! 

 

You said you were also on Prozac and Remeron.  I, too, was on an a/d, Effexor, that I had tapered off just one month prior to rehab.  I think one of the reasons I had such a long and difficult recovery was that other psychotropic meds were involved.  Take heart...what you're experiencing is probably normal for someone coming off multiple pscyhotropic meds.  Plus, your c/t in rehab didn't exactly help.

 

I have seen several people who are in wd after two years start to notice good signs of healing from 26-30 months.  That was true in my case, as well.  Best wishes and try not to get discouraged.

Tommy, Sharil, Kmarie, Hoping, hope, holly...thanks for your kind words.  Wishing us all well soon.

I'm so happy to read this I was so worried about you.  I'm heading into month 23 and things are still hard but I found that if I keep the negative people out of my life I don't have as much anxiety.  I still hate my job so being there is still hard but I'm coping.  I'm just so glad you are doing so much better.  I've been watching you for so long just waiting for a post like this and it gives me such hope. 

Hugs

Kristin

 

Thanks, Kristin.  You are right.  This was another coping strategy I learned, too.  I found I was highly sensitive to many things in withdrawal...including negative/abusing/unhealthy people.  If I was even in a room with someone who was angry I could feel it to my core and had to get away.  In wd we are like the opposite of the teflon man, we absorb everything around us including others' negativity.  I had to completely cut out some people in my life and I have not once regretted it.  It has been a huge weight off my back and this is just one important life lesson this protracted withdrawal has taught me. 

 

I hope you feel better soon.  I've watched your difficult journey, as well, and you deserve a break.  When none of my other tricks worked, the last one that did was just telling myself to live....just don't kill myself and this has to get better.  There was some song on the radio that says something about the sun always comes back again and I was thinking, well, this has been one super long dark night of the soul then.  And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just not kill yourself.  That sounds awful, but I am pretty sure that others who have endured protracted withdrawal will understand that completely.

 

Hey Leslie...As dark as your highlighted words above may sound to some. Their the truth. You've always been really good at expressing yourself in your posts. Even from back in the days when we first met. Your posts have always been real and raw. Your words tell things just the way they are. Ive always liked that you've never really sugar coated any of this. Survival is key. Somehow. Glad your doing so much better. You've come a LONG ways from your early days. You should be proud of yourself. Congrats!!!

 

Rock