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I am in trouble


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I have been on benzos now for the last 3 years. 

 

first was xanax for roughly 4 months, I quit that C/T went through hell for a week.  I then reinstated it.  And did a slow taper for the next 4 months.  It was hell.  I then at the end was on just a tiny piece of the xanax I added in valium. 

 

I added a small dose of valium 1 mg to help me jump off the xanax. I then went through about a month of hell off and on and gradually felt like I got better.  I got up to close to 2mg of valium but slowly tapered off of that down to .5mg. 

 

It was easy to get down to that but I was terrified to quit.  Stupid mistake.  Here I am 1 and a half years later and I am now taking 2.5mg of valium.  I started to have severe vertigo problems back in december.  I am also taking wellbutrin.  We changed my dose of wellbutrin  to a more even lower dose and my vertigo got better.  We attributed it to the wellbutrin however I am now thinking it was the begining of tolerance on the valium.

 

I think that the process of the valium was changed and it affected the blood levels when I changed the wellbutrin. 

Here is why.  I am currently going through hell.  I was doing great a month ago.  My life was never better.  I am having a baby and I have a good job a fun little music hobby and the doctor said I dont think you need the wellbutrin lets get you off of that stuff.  I agreed and was excited to quit that stuff. 

 

I cut my dose in half of the wellbutrin and my life has changed.  I feel very similiar to when I quit the xanax.

I feel the following:

vertigo

strange feelings of trapped in my body

strange feelings of the world just not looking right or feeling right

Increase in anxiety-tremors, fear, close to panic

a feeling of strong depression where things just seem doom and gloom, its almost like I cant take it and want to die but I dont, its really tough on me

weird sleep, I feel like I am having trouble sleeping well, weird sleep times, feeling like I am dying as I try to sleep,

weird thoughts almost like flashes of hurtful mental images that scare me, like your worst fears flash in front of you

feeling out of control like I am going to go crazy

loss of libido

hypochondria

sensitivity to light

memory and concentration problems

 

These feelings come and go.  I have great great moments, and then I get a moment where I just sink and I cant escape my whole outlook changes and I become terrified.  I have a hard time being strong and seeing past this, its almost like my mentality believes it and I change as a person. 

 

I had a few moments where I felt strong feelings like I couldnt talk, confused.  The fear almost paralyzes me. 

 

I am on a tiny dose of wellbutrin.  37.5mg down from 75mg daily.  I am on a tiny dose of valium 2.5 mg daily.  I was at 2mg daily until about 2 weeks ago. 

 

What do I do?  The doctors say its anxiety, maybe you need to be on an antidepressant. 

 

 

Throughout this whole trip I have self medicated myself with a few beers a night.  It has been my only escape.  I have been doing this for the last year and a half.  Just self medicating myself.  I never was a drinker, really dont like the feeling of drinking, but I feel like I am given no choice.  I sip it and do it slowly as I really just use it to relieve the symptoms I dont want to feel a buzz. 

 

I am tired of this, and my family needs me.  I feel agoraphobic, I feel like I cant work, I feel disabled.  I have a baby that is coming in a few months and I am a disaster.  I fear the delivery, I need to be strong and supportive and help through the delivery but I feel like I will be the one needing medical attention more than mommy :( 

 

I dont know how I got into this mess and I don't see how to get myself out. 

I see most of you all do a slow taper and use valium, well I am already on valium and in tolerance and at a low dose.

I cannot imagine what it will be like if I cut down.  I want to quit drinking but cant because I fear not having it right now and I also worry that I have done it for too long now to just quit that even c/t even though its only 2.  I also would love to quit the wellbutrin as I think it has increased my anxiety rather than ever help.  I was diagnosed with anxiety and I just feel like I could cope with those issues, these are too much. 

 

What can I do?

 

 

 

 

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