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The Black Plague


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  :(

 

This will be the least read blog?note?essay? whatever!

 

Where do you go when you are depressed? I would love to hear how people deal with the depression that grips a few of us while we taper. For me its just a mubo - jumbo mix of every kind of emotion, but i can feel the cold hand of depression and into bed i get.

 

I just want to chat to someone who is dealing with a little depression during the taper or whenever you feel like it.

 

Till we get that sweet sunshine world.

Dena

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Hi Dena,

 

Well, they are quite different, and the drugs and techniques used to manage the problems are usually different too. Having said that, I am one of the least qualified members around here about these problems, as I took Clonazepam as an anticonvulsant. As we get busier I'm sure that these boards will be used more frequently, and then having the separate areas will make a lot more sense. I will give this some thought though, and see if there is way I can make these sub-boards more visable. If I have all the boards all at the same level, then the forum home page will become rather long. I already have an idea that might help with this.

 

You are posting in exactly the right place if you are feeling depressed. I've not suffered from clinical depression (at least I don't think so), but I did certainly feel absolutely miserable during my withdrawal. It is a distant memory now, and the fact that my memory was so affected is probably a godsend.

 

One thing that might help is if members made more use of the chatroom. I will have a look at it again and see if there are ways I can improve its visability.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Dena -

 

Dealing with it right now.

 

I'm on citalopram 40 mg and it was helping for a bit, months ago.

 

Have since slunk back into a pretty mean, stubborn depression that I don't quite know what to do with.

 

Of course, I can and should talk with my doctor.... but for some reason, am loathe to start playing musical-chairs with different medications. Ugh.

 

Right now, I'm just getting by.

 

I think it says a ton that I much prefer to be sleeping. So come on back and tell me a little about your blahs. :)

 

Ten

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Hi Ten

 

I am in blah heaven at the moment and have no starting point, so I'm going to sleep on it and get back to you..

 

i am on the crappy drugs that are supposed to help- eerrrm haven't yet! I think i take 2 antidepressants- maybe the doctor wanted to make very sure i wouldn't be depressed.  :crazy:

 

Talk soon

Cheers

Dena

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I think i take 2 antidepressants

 

Indeed you do. And full doses as well.

 

Hehe, what the hell is "blah heaven with no starting point." Ya lost me!

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Hey there Ten

 

Umm..where to start is the question.

Black, and if anyone has ever been really depressed they will understand that is how you feel all the time..

ALL the time, there is no world, it has dissapeared, people have become noiseless, there are no dreams when you sleep, everywhere you look is bleak, time passes very slowly as do days and the past is summoned from the subconscious to haunt you or you fixate on something that has just happened to you that someone else would just toss over their shoulder but you have it stuck like a shared of glass in your head and i can go on and on.

 

But here's the deal thats when you are in a deep stubborn depression like you Ten, (i have no idea how you maintain a sense of humour because i become a mechanical robot.) We suffer differently.  I won't be ashamed to say that in my times of deep depression i don't brush my teeth for days, miss bathing for a few days stay in my PJ's till i bath..those things you can SEE as in oily unwashed unkempt hair, what you don't see is the emotion itself which differs from person to person. Ten you have a great sense of humour..I have none. Just the way it is.

I have a huge responsibility to forefull, I will have to meet my daughter (read my blog) and i have had NO life for about 18 years. i am so depressed that i can't make her proud of me when we do meet (NOT LOOKING FOR PITY) even just to say... I once had a great job, which i never had. Oh and i have to tell her i am on government disability..

So I'm feeling a bit down.

Hey you man....if you need to speak to someone..you can speak to me, but don't go and bloody mess with your brain like i have. I can promise you its a VERY high price to pay for NO relief. Talk ..get it out..talk and talk and talk. Here to me and whom ever else you want to. Just say NO to the drugs (which you know so much about!)

 

You come back and tell me whats happening in your dark hours. Why are you there?

Oh and i may sound serious and stern-im not-just don't get out much so my social skills are up to s^*t.

are you only taking the one med?

 

Okie dokie

I'm not going to read what i wrote its 1.30am here

if i have blabbered on ..sorry

hope to hear from you soon!

 

Dena

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Oh my God. You are a wonderful writer. You display a keen penchant for expressing personal experience. What a post!

 

Given your description (you describe depression, the real deal) I am really surprised you're on two ADs. How long now have you been on those two? Months, I believe huh?

 

"I won't be ashamed to say that in my times of deep depression i don't brush my teeth for days, miss bathing for a few days stay in my PJ's till i bath..those things you can SEE as in oily unwashed unkempt hair, what you don't see is the emotion itself which differs from person to person."

 

Got it. That's me. I work the nicest, easiest part-time job you could ever ask for, yet when I'm under such attack (chronic low mood), it is all I can do to get up and go out, period.

 

Dena, you and I both are quite self-aware (which can be a friggin' curse sometimes, I think). I am just cognizant enough to see the vicious circle which ensues. The more I stay in, the more agoraphobic I become. The less socially active I am, the harder it is to be social.

 

The less I exercise, the harder it is to restart that routine.... And on and on.

 

Routine is paramount, ya know. Maintaining some momentum is so crucial, for it is much harder to start from a standstill than to simply add more steam to one's efforts already in progress.

 

"are you only taking the one med?"

 

Yes, the citalopram (Celexa).

 

Tell you what's happening in my dark hours? --You just described it very competently, Dena. :)

 

I don't know where you get "sense of humor from"; I suppose I am just.... err i dunno? :P --I live to write, so i reckon it sorta shows. lol

 

Ten

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Hi Dena,

 

I too am suffering from depression. I'm 25 years old but I feel about 95 some days. I would describe my depression as feeling blank, empty, detached, exhausted, achy, irritable, with a crappy cloudy memory.

 

The thing with benzo withdrawal that i've noticed is that everyday feels a bit different--time doesn't feel like its progressing normally. I'm also unemployed --which is tough. I have no idea how people hold down full time jobs with all the wd symptoms.. if you are one of them, hats off to you.

 

I too go through periods where i don't care about the way I look, don't want to go outside, don't want to do anything except lay in bed.

 

I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is how emotionally hijacked I feel. I feel as though I'm watching myself be lazy, unhappy and depressed and I'm so angry and want to stop but can't. I don't feel that sense of total apathy... I just feel a bit out of control.

 

My mother is bi-polar and has taken lithium all her life-- she is at her best when she is keeping busy and trying to stay positive. I know my mother has alot of inner anger which she can unleash when she's provoked. She had a rough childhood and has never moved on from it or let go of any of her angry feelings. That is her deal and not mine--I'm just relating what I know about being bi-polar since you mention that you are.

 

I have more anxiety related problems--I started taking ativan because of that and have been taking it on and off for 4 years. About a month and a half ago I decided to taper off. The withdrawal has been tough.

 

I think the only suggestions i have for depression are to try and keep busy at something and get outside as much as possible. This is very hard to do some days though. Have any self-help books worked for you?

 

take care

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Hey there Elizabethviolet

 

I think if we combine our thoughts and feelings a good measure of what real depression looks like will show it's ugly head.

 

I don't work either, and staying busy is not a huge deal when all you want to do is stay in bed.

I understand the keeping busy thing, routine is the saving grace, it makes you feel that you have a modicum of control over whats happening to you.

 

I don't think routines should fill a whole day, thats setting yourself up for a fall.

 

Routine should start with just one thing you do constantly every day, say get out of bad and make it. Then once you are comfy with that you add a second thing to your routine. And if your day is shaky, put it down to just that, it's a shaky day, so what!

 

I have the memory of a goldfish and as i write to you now i cannot remember what i started with  :crazy:

Anger is an emotion i find that goes well with my depression - i don't know why?

I have been on Lithium but trying to get the levels in my blood was a nightmare, I can remember what they put me on next.

 

Hats off to you!!!! for the withdrawl-has your depression gradually become worse?

 

No, I don't read self help books because it's a constant spiral into oblivion for me - one book leads to another and another!!!

 

Is your depression constant, like a blanket around you all the time? I really do feel for you girl!

 

I hope you are keeping busy!

 

Pop in here anytime you want to talk or just post.

 

Peace to you

Dena

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Ouch... this is about your young daughter? I'm sorry i tried to gather the story in your blog but just didn't have time to read the whole thing - can you just do a quick recap for us in here, plz?
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......I stopped my life about 3 or 4 weeks ago, all i did was brush my teeth, make my bed and feed my mother (stroke victim)

 

I did so because i chose to have an open adoption where the A/Parents stayed in contact with me i.e pictures and letters, throughout her life every year.

 

So i watched her grow up in a strange way.

 

When she turned 16 (2yrs ago) she was permitted to write to me, send gifts and pictures and visa versa.

 

The law in this country stipulates that when she turns 18 she can request to meet me, it's a controlled setting and both of us are counseled beforehand.

 

So i stopped my life - waiting for her 18th birthday ( 7 July ) - i readied myself - i prepared my emotions - i tried to control my medication intake...etc

 

The government departments went on strike, the Child Welfare (the go between my daughter and i) is a government funded aid and i was scared that i couldn't get through to them to send my gift.

 

So i phoned to see if the were striking, the department i deal with are all volunteers thank heavens for small miracles. I told the lady i had Michele's birthday gift to send and asked about the meeting (Michele and I)

 

I was devastated to hear that she had not requested to see me on , near or after her birthday. I have lived for that day - literally, and now it's gone.

 

 

....sorrow.

 

 

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Hi Dena,

 

Whew, that's rough. Yes. But did she give you any indication in her letters that she intended to have this meeting?

 

Can you not still write to her? Ask her?

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....it's a difficult tightrope to walk Ten

 

She did in the very first letter she wrote say she wanted to meet me, just not when. Teenagers are hormone driven at best, so i don't puss it in my letters to her. When she has received a letter, picture and a present from me, i get a small card (with no info) and some pictures back (which i am very grateful for)

 

I can write to her at anytime, she knows without a letter that my doors are ALWAYS open to her, i fear if i push, it will become an issue, which will lead to unpleasantness.

 

If i urge too much too many people get upset.

So i will just take it in my stride for now.

 

It's difficult because she is my only child thus far in the world!

 

 

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:sick:

I really do feel sick. 

 

I am at the point where nothing really matters, the future must matter a little because i am titrating. For what I don't know.  I have no dreams and thats OK,  matters not,  I have no friends and thats OK,  because it matters not.

My mind is at peace living now this second, i don't care about projects all that much i want this numb black veil to envelope me and hide me, until when,  it doesn't matter does it?

 

It's my daughters birthday today and i don't know her at all, does it matter?  ABUNDENTLY

 

:'(

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:sick:

I really do feel sick. 

 

I am at the point where nothing really matters, the future must matter a little because i am titrating. For what I don't know.  I have no dreams and thats OK,  matters not,  I have no friends and thats OK,  because it matters not.

My mind is at peace living now this second, i don't care about projects all that much i want this numb black veil to envelope me and hide me, until when,  it doesn't matter does it?

 

It's my daughters birthday today and i don't know her at all, does it matter?  ABUNDENTLY

 

:'(

 

Hi Dena,

 

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time.  I guess I'll tell you the same thing I tell myself:  though the present may look bleak or hopeless, this doesn't have to be the case for the future.  You just don't know what the future will be - it could turn out much better than you ever imagined.  And, yes, it does matter.

 

Hang in there.  Life doesn't always give us what we want and when that happens we just have to find the strength to deal with it the best we can, don't we?

 

You obviously have a lot of strength and it is also obvious that you are intelligent.  You can and do use these qualities to get through the tough times.  Today is hard for you, I don't see how it couldn't be.  But you will get through it and you will get through the obstacles in your path and life will get better.  Around here, I guess, we work through time to get where we need to be. 

 

Wishing you the best,

Elwood

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It just hurts, it hurts really really bad and i want it to go away.

 

My brain is not being very helpful.

But yes Elwood we don't always get what we want when we want it. Acceptance

 

I think i need to live the pain tonight until i sleep and hope for a better dawn.

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Dena,

 

My dear friend, I do feel deeply for you and with you but I won't rely on platitudes to cure your mood. I AGREE with Elwood, it is quite natural to be distressed with your specific life circumstances. But I view with real concern the intensity and duration of this depressive episode. It is extremely brave of you to share with us, but I want you to stay communicative with your doctor too. Ok? :)

 

Ten

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Oh Dena,

 

  My heart aches so badly for you.  Dear Friend, you are such a beautiful and articulate person.  Most of the days this past year I have been dwelling in your bleak Hell of depression. I feel as if I am in a black, dirty, muddy hole that I dug for myself.  There is no rope, no ladder, no way out, but by my clawing, bleeding fingers and toes.  I try and hold the thought that my life was not always this way, and it need not be in the future.  We MUST hold the thought that there is only the now and we have the power to make that now whatever we wish it to be.  I wish for you only goodness and peace.  Hold on and remember that I am there for you to hold on to.

 

  XXXXXChristine

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Hi Christine,

 

Thank you for sharing with me, when in a state like this it's very difficult putting how you really feel into words. Yours gave me some help.

I am at a time in my life where this is what it is and i need to ride it out.

Knowing that there are loving and caring people such as yourself is a blessing.

I hope you are much better now?

Paint like mad!

 

Peace to you

Dena

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....if i talk to my doctor it either more meds or into hospital...no thank you.

Ten it's just here i suppose for a little while.

I am sure it will wear off as the days go by.

Thank you for your concern but i don't think it's warrented.

 

Peace to you

Dena

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  :(

 

This will be the least read blog?note?essay? whatever!

 

Where do you go when you are depressed? I would love to hear how people deal with the depression that grips a few of us while we taper. For me its just a mubo - jumbo mix of every kind of emotion, but i can feel the cold hand of depression and into bed i get.

 

I just want to chat to someone who is dealing with a little depression during the taper or whenever you feel like it.

 

Till we get that sweet sunshine world.

Dena

 

Hey there Dena,

 

I am just coming out of a pretty intense period of depression.  I've had it off and on for years, but lately it has gotten rather intense.  If anybody were to read my blog, they might find it surprising that I am fighting depression.  I kind of realized today I think that a lot of my attempt at humor is actually born out of depression.  I realized this when I was going through your thread and came across the part of your posting that says:

 

    "For me its just a mumbo - jumbo mix of every kind of emotion"

 

We like to try to label and seperate the emotions we feel.  Your statement suggests that it is not that simple.  Our emotions do seem to be all tied together.  When we experience one emotion, it undoubtedly has an effect on our consciousness and our other emotions.  Depression is a strange emotion at best.  It may very well be a combination of other emotions.  I'll be thinking about this for a while, emotions are pretty hard to understand with the intellect.

 

Ever notice how depression sometimes creeps in without anything in particular setting it off?  I have.

 

Where do I go when experiencing depression?  I feel it strongly in the mornings when I am trying to wake up.  For me the best approach is to just stop thinking when I feel it coming.  I don't feed it thoughts, I just let it pass through me like a wave.  After a while it subsides and then I start thinking again.

 

But lately, there has been too much depression for one chimp to handle.  I have wondered off the path and have had trouble finding my way back.  My "just let it pass through you" technique doesn't have enough power to work that well for extended depression.  So other techniques are needed when depression becomes too strong.

 

For extended depression, one thing that does seem to help a lot is to find somebody who understands and is compassionate enough to help you through it.  In this world it can be hard to find people like that.  That's one of the things I like about the people on this forum.  A lot of people here know depression all too well, know how it feels and how hard it can be to battle. The experience of depressoin breeds compassion, does it not?  I think one of the things we all do here is help each other to get through it.  We lean on each other.  You can always come to the forum to talk about it.  Who knows, this thread of yours could end up being very popular. :)

 

I guess I should probably mention that another technique I am only now discovering is to try to find something that gives you hope.  That's all I know so far.  Although I experience this stupid emotion, I'm no expert.  Fortunately for me, the depression has started lifting the last few days.  I hope that yours will lift soon as well.

 

As you say,

"Peace",

Elwood

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