Feeling down and needing support

Hello All,

Hope this finds you all doing well and getting better & better

I cut down to 22 mg valium last night and slept very little.  Not sleeping triggers so much for me.

It's time for bed where I am, and it has been a very difficult day. I am feeling very low and alone.  It was a challenge today to be a great parent, but for the most part, I was patient, interactive, and loving with my high-energy little girl. 

Part of me would just love to be able hide away, zone out on TV or a book, but I can't do that.  It's probably better that I'm not able to isolate myself anyway. Still, it takes a lot out of me to deal calmly and gently with the normal temper tantrums of a 2-year-old, potty training struggles, and just being as all-day playmate to a toddler.

I'm surprised I'm feeling so depressed while doing such a slow taper.  I was hoping to be able to avoid this, however naive that may sound.  I'm still grateful for my many blessings and know that I'm making some progress.  Still, I feel discouraged, oversensitive, and disconnected.

I hate admitting I feel this way...somehow I think it's normal and OK for others to have these feelings, but not for me!  Somehow I should be able to just put a smile and "handle it". I always feel like there is something I did wrong that resulted in these feelings.  So as well as depressed, I feel disappointed in myself.  Wheather or not this makes sense, it is what it is right now.

Hope to feel better and optimistic about my recovery soon,

Maggie

Hi, Maggie,

I wish we had a hugs emoticon! I would give you a big hug.

Your feelings are all completely normal for w/d. You're doing the right thing by going slow, slow enough that you can handle your duties as a parent. Benzos can cause depression in and of themselves; and of course, withdrawal can also induce depression. So you get it from both sides.

I discovered that part of the reason I got on benzos in the first place was because I "put on a smile" and "handled" everything. I wasn't admitting my real feelings. I've recently discovered that I lie to myself a lot about my feelings--I tell myself that I shouldn't be angry, that everything is okay, etc. Well, sometimes it's normal to be angry. And sometimes things are NOT okay. We have a right to have our feelings, even if other people don't think we should have them. Emotions aren't right or wrong--they're just there. We're not in control of them. I'm still trying to learn how to accept my emotions, even the bad ones.

Things do get better as you progress, Maggie. You're already doing great. Getting off benzos is very difficult--you can be proud of yourself! The difficulties of getting off benzos will make you an even more understanding, compassionate mom to your little girl. People come out of this trial having grown in ways they never anticipated.

Thank you Therese for your support.  I really need it right now.  Your words did feel like a hug

You helped me put my depression into perspective and gave me some needed hope.  I just thought that I would not experience w/d going so slow, so I thought there was just something uniquely wrong about me.  So it is normal to feel down even if one is doing a slow taper?

Also, thank you for your empathy about dealing with feelings.  Even though my training and former profession was a mental health counselor, I have such trouble with accepting my own unwanted emotions.  I often judge myself for being depressed or irritable because I feel like I'm being ungrateful to God.  But, as you said , and as I need to actually ACCEPT is that we can't control our feelings-Darn it!

I'm still struggling as I'm having insomnia too.  But, you helped me with having a more positive attitude.

Thank you,

Maggie

Hi Maggie

I have a 2 year old girl as well.  (and a 7 yr old boy).  Man the potty training thing is killing me!!  She refuses to use the potty.  she is very stubborn.  Hang in there, kids can be a real trial.  I currently have my daughter with a nanny for most of the weekdays because I am on disability.  I can hardly wait until I can have her home with me full time!  What a triumph that will be.  The fact that you are doing this and being a full-time Mom proves how strong you must be! 

Just so you know, it is also ok to admit that you need help sometimes, especially with a two yr old.  I was a succesful career woman myself and I spent years pushing my way through instead of acknowledging that I needed some help.  That was part of the thing that got me to where I was. 

Keep your chin up.

Lori

Thank you so much Lori for your support   Your words of encouragement and empathy helped me feel better.

I read your story and could relate.  I also was on disability during and after my pregnancy due to withdrawal and depression.  I went off ativan 4mg cold-turkey when I learned I was pregnant and decline physically and emotionally the many months after. 

Thank you again & hope you are doing well,

Maggie

Hi, Maggie,

Yes, you can most definitely be experiencing depression even on a very slow taper. Slow tapers don't take away the symptoms--they just make them a little more tolerable. But they can still be pretty bad at times.

When I get upset at myself for feeling a certain way, I like to think of what St. Francis de Sales said. He said that even more important than being gentle with others is to be gentle toward yourself. Kind of an astounding statement! But so many of us try to be kind to others while giving ourselves the worst possible treatment. Sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself.

When I feel these yucky feelings, I just offer them to God. I try not to hide them or pretend I don't have them--he knows differently, of course! So I just say, "God, I'm feeling depressed today, because of . . ." etc. So I don't really try to fix them myself, but just offer them to God. Eventually they go away. But I find that judging myself over it just adds self-hatred to the mix--not a good thing!

Thank you for your wonderful reply.  It's good to know that what I am experiencing is normal even in slow tapers. It's really hard and uncomfortable, but it is tolerable.  I will then try to see these feelings as signs that I'm getting better instead of a sign that I'm not doing it right or there is something just wrong with me.

That's amazing what St. Francis de Sales said and what you said about the hardest person to love is ourselves. That gave me pause.

I always talk about "letting go and letting God", but I've used that mantra usually in every day mundane situations or with family relationships, but never really with my feelings of depression or anxiety.  That's a new way of thinking for me.  My little human brain thinks God is disappointed in me when I feel those ways; however, I say that believe is a gracious, compassionate, merciful God?  So, I recognize there is a contradiction in my thinking God then has no compassion for me.

I will try to talk to God more when I'm depressed as I now realize that I talk to him less when I'm depressed. I withdrawal from God instead of turning to him and giving it to him to help me.  I need to begin to believe that I deserve God's compassion and help thru this instead of staying in this cycle of guilt and shame.

Thank you so much Therese for your guidance.  My walk with God is relatively new and I only want to grow closer to him.  This may be a good opportunity to do just that.  I think I'll starting talking to him on a regular basis again, good or bad days...

Thank You Again Therese,

Maggie

Hi Maggie

I really hope you are feeling better. I cannot relate in the "children" department as i have none. When i read that you are having a hard time parenting i can't help thinking 'no ones perfect' and it sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can for your child. If you take the time to take a look around a little in my opinion you need some sort of medal.

What you are doing in titrating is beneficial for you and those you love, i would also like to say that a time out for you just to relax maybe just an hour with your feet up, not putting yourself on a guilt trip, please do so.

I am also having a hard time thinking theres something "wrong" with me. Believe me the only thing wrong with you now is not acknowledging that you ARE on the road to getting better.

Peace and Hope

Dena

Thank you so much Dena for your empathatic, kind words.  It's amazing that even though you are feeling so crummy that you can extend yourself and help others with your encouragement and insight.  It helps me so much.

We're gonna make it, Dena!!!

a very interesting point has been made - benzo's mask our feelings - they are a form of control.

what to do with the new you when you actually have feelings that aren't blunted - i suspect it goes beyond withdrawals.

not to diminish the withdrawals - i tried to do that my self all winter and spent a lot of time crying and going thru some really bad emotional stuff - i had no idea it was my addiction - i thought it was life - my sun who is 35 paid dearly for my failed attempt at withdrawal as did my friends but most of all me.

the medical community is very anxious to get me on more drugs - i know better now - ain't gonna play that game no more.

Hi Maggiemay,

I hope your feeling better as you read this post.

I admire your willingness to be there for your child even if you were having a bad day.

That takes much love.

Be gentle with yourself,

Kev

Therese, I just read your reply to maggiemay's post.

You wrote :

"When I get upset at myself for feeling a certain way, I like to think of what St. Francis de Sales said. He said that even more important than being gentle with others is to be gentle toward yourself. Kind of an astounding statement! But so many of us try to be kind to others while giving ourselves the worst possible treatment. Sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself"

I delighted in hearing you say it is an astounding statement. I am not at all religious but it sounds to me like St. Frances de Sales was a wise man.

I endevour to be gentle with myself and find that I sometimes succeed and at other times I am brutal with myself. It's a lon journey.

I wish you the very best with being gentle with yourself -from your posts I can see you have a gentle heart.

Kev

Hi, Kev,

Thank you for the kind words. You're certainly right that it's a long journey. I had to remind myself of St. Francis' admonition just the other day, in fact...still working on it! Old habits die hard.

Therese