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Very very short-termer healed at 13 1/2 months


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I've been longing for the moment when I could write my own success story and that time has finally arrived, after 13 1/2 long and difficult months.  My story is quite long so please bear with me and it goes to show how dangerous even a short-term dosage of these evil drugs can be.

 

In March 2011 I had everything to look forward although I have to say I had been driving myself very hard.  Had sold up and moved to a new country with my husband with all that that entails leaving behind in the UK my 2 grown-up sons and my mother who suffers from Alzheimers.  Life was crazy busy and I was doing a lot of travelling backwards and forwards to see the family.

 

On the day I had that panic attack I had not been feeling myself foir a while but brushed it off - I was feeling a little depressed, had been suffering with insomnia and I must have been suffering from stress - I don't want to blame my mother's situation, although I am the sole carer.  I think it was a combination of things.

 

I had just returned from a friend's wedding in Scotland, come back to Spain, and was due to go 4 days later to the UK.  I must have been burnt-out because I had the most massive panic attack - I was so scared as I didn't even know what was happening to me but I thought I was dying, I was hysterical and told my husband to take me to the doctor.

 

She put a 1mg Xanax tablet under my tongue and I immediately calmed down.  She told me to take 1mg 3 times a day for at least a week then stop them.  I was calmer but zombie-like on them and when I arrived in London 4 days later I was having massive palpitations, I thought I was having a heart attack so my husband took me straight to the hospital where they diagnosed panic and told me to stay on the medication for the rest of the week then come down by 1mg a day.

 

I had only been on the Xanax for those 7 days when I tried to reduce - it was impossible - I was obviously dependant and realised I would have to reduce slower than 1mg a day (I had no idea) but it was awful - I was having panic attack after panic attack and reduced to a bed-bound quivering heap.

 

Fast-forward - I managed to get down to 1mg, was feeling suicidal and took myself off to the only psychiatric hospital I had heard of where the film stars go.  I saw a really nice psychiatrist who recognised the problem with the benzos and immediately switched me to a 22mg Valium wean and told me to reduce by 2mg daily and then jump off at 2mg.  When I asked him if I would have withdrawals like the ones I was having from the Xanax, he wrote down the name of this website - benzobuddies!  I think he was worried to tell me.

 

So, yes, I had bad bad withdrawals.  The main symptoms I had were massive anxiety,mornings were very bad for me - high cortisol type rushes which lasted till noon then dropped to lasting for an hour or two, palpitations, depression, sweating, Gi problems, nausea, diaorreah, dry vomiting, shortness of breath, suicidal feelings, crawling sensations like I had bugs running inside me, pins and needles, hot and cold flushes, earache, feeling of doom, feeling like had the flu, fatigue, loss of interest in everything, also I was terrified of being left alone, social anxiety (I am a social butterfly, never had that before, it was so not like me), lack of motivation.  I'm sure there were more but those were the main ones.  The first few weeks were hellish then I had a few windows then back to bad again - in fact, sometimes I thought I had gone back to the beginning but I always found that after a major wave, I started to feel a bit better. 

 

I actually kept a daily log and graded myself daily and then did a chart over the weeks to see how I had improved.  Sad isn't it?!  But it really helped.

 

I never ever thought I would recover fully though.  It did start to get easier and less and up and down at around 10 months but I was still plagued with anxiety up to a few weeks ago.  I had to move my mother into a care home a month ago and the anxiety came back in full force and I still felt sensitive to stress.  I think this may have got better but I won't know till the next stressful episode which is coming up next week when we have to clear out her house etc. - although the feeling inside is not like it was a month ago.  I think I will be able to swing it.

 

Things that have helped me through this were this site obviously, the support has been amazing; trying to be positive though it is hard in a way; betablockers were a lifesaver for the strong anxiety; I think that the antidepressants I was put on may have helped with the depression.  The only thing I am still on is 37.5 Effexor which is really little compared to the 150mg I was on throughout and it is not even a therapeutic dose but I will get off that in time. 

 

I just wanted to tell you that absolutely everything has GONE AWAY at I would say 13 1/2 months!  The last symptoms to go were that awful morning cortisol anxiety and the anxiety itself and my motivation has come back - I thought I was doomed in that respect.  I am sleeping well, eating well, looking well and feeling A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!  I honestly cannot remember when I felt so well.

 

So anyone who is reading this - yes I was only on a short time albeit fairly high dose I think - but I suffered, I really did and it has all gone.  I am better.  Please do not despair - time is the healer and you will get better too and will be writing your own success story like me.

 

Good luck to my fellow Benzo Buddies!

 

Angel

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Fantastic!...Congratulations, Angel

 

Every success story that is read by somebody who is still stuggling, will give them the strength, to stay the course, and eventually write their own success story.  Thank you for posting.

 

The best to you.

 

pj

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Amazing what these drugs can do to us in such short period of time. How where you doing at 7-9 months off?

I'm about 7.5 months and there is improvement but i feel like I'm in another wave again.

 

Can't wait to get my life fully back.

We don't deserve this.

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Congratulations Angel,

So pleased you have finally healed, sounds like you've really been through the mill.

Wishing you continued healing !

Debbie  :thumbsup:

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PJ - thanks for writing.  Hope you are still feeling great.  What a journey eh?!

 

Milan - I had to check my log for 7.5 months actually - but I can tell you that although my baseline had improved by then,  I was still suffering from the morning anxiety and jitters, had some GI problems.  The anxiety had waned although it did come back when I had a wave that month.  Generally I was feeling pretty crappy and fatigued.  The crappiness by the way was a constant up until the past few weeks when it totally disappeared and I felt well.

 

I should say I had varying degrees of "crappiness" - by the evening I would feel absolutely normal only for it to return the next day.  I think this is pretty normal in w/ds.

 

It was a period of ups and downs but from about month 8 I was slightly more stable though still prone to waves and stress-induced anxiety.

 

But it all goes - you are over the worst, think of it like that.

 

All the best.

Angel

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I'm so happy for you Angel.  Thank you for coming and posting this wonderful news.

 

I am sorry about your mother.  I know personally from first hand how hard a parent with Alzheimers is.  I hope you have a lot of support from your husband, sons, or friends.  And I also know how hard it is to clear out a parent's home.  Am in the process of that right now, well have been needing to the past few months, just taking it slow, as my siblings agree it should be done.

 

Did you gain any weight during your w/d?  I was just wondering if you did, have you noticed it starting to come off, just as it came on?  I have never had a weight issue in my life, not even after I had my 3 kids, I didn't diet - it just gradually returned to normal.

 

Go and enjoy your benzo free - healed life Angel, Please do come back and keep an up date every now and then.  As you know I'm sure, the words from those a head of us are so powerful to giving us strength to go on.

 

I happy for you,

Sally

 

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Congratulations Angel,

So pleased you have finally healed, sounds like you've really been through the mill.

Wishing you continued healing !

Debbie  :thumbsup:

 

Thanks so much Debbie :smitten:

 

Wishing you the best for your healing too.

 

Angel xx

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I'm so happy for you Angel.  Thank you for coming and posting this wonderful news.

 

I am sorry about your mother.  I know personally from first hand how hard a parent with Alzheimers is.  I hope you have a lot of support from your husband, sons, or friends.  And I also know how hard it is to clear out a parent's home.  Am in the process of that right now, well have been needing to the past few months, just taking it slow, as my siblings agree it should be done.

 

Did you gain any weight during your w/d?  I was just wondering if you did, have you noticed it starting to come off, just as it came on?  I have never had a weight issue in my life, not even after I had my 3 kids, I didn't diet - it just gradually returned to normal.

 

Go and enjoy your benzo free - healed life Angel, Please do come back and keep an up date every now and then.  As you know I'm sure, the words from those a head of us are so powerful to giving us strength to go on.

 

I happy for you,

Sal

 

Thanks so much Sally :smitten: (Sally is my real name too!  Must be a generation thing.

 

Yes dealing with a relative with Alzheimers is simply awful - the relief that Mum is finally in a Care Home is unbelievable - although she is taking time to settle (having already pushed another resident and broken his hip!  So she has had to be given antipsychotic medication and it is awful to see her now, she's not the same Mum any more  :(

 

It's funny about the weight thing - initially I lost loads as I had no appetite and my husband had to practically force-feed me.  Then I seemed to have put on loads - am not sure it was to do with the fact I let myself go a bit during w/ds - I am now on a diet as I must lose 7 lbs to fit into my jeans.  Is it a common thing to put on weight during w/ds then?

 

Wishing you all the best with your full recovery too.

 

Angel xx

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[bd...]

yay Angel

 

congratulations I love hearing news like this and it doesnt matter the length of time you were on thats for sure Im just that thrilled for you go on and enjoy your life.

 

Sorry about your mum I know this must be real tough for you.

 

Lizzy

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Wow, Angel.  What a compelling story... we really don't get the whole picture of someone's story if we catch a post here and a post there.  The nature of benzodiazepines continues to stun me with its unpredictability and the depth of suffering that it can cause, especially after seven days of use.

 

So glad you're now back to 100% and thanks for coming back to share your positive, inspiring story.

 

Challis  :highfive:

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Angel.... oh... how wonderful to read and hear this from you.  We never communicated together, though, you did with one of our dear bbs, Mishi..  I read many many of your posts on this forum.  I'm so very sorry about your dear mother, that illness is beyond words, I have experienced this also in my family..  Just, I am so very happy to have read about your healing... you have your life back, after this journey.  A toast to your wonderful new life... Blessings always to you.. Patty
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yay Angel

 

congratulations I love hearing news like this and it doesnt matter the length of time you were on thats for sure Im just that thrilled for you go on and enjoy your life.

 

Sorry about your mum I know this must be real tough for you.

 

Lizzy

 

{{{{Lizzy}}}}

 

You are such a sweet girl.  I have loved reading your posts, you are not only very supportive to everyone but quirky too - I love it!  I was sorry to read that you thought you were prematurely healed but it can take time.

 

Yes, it's sad about my mother but that's life I'm afraid - or the end of life, and she has had many good years prior to this for which I am grateful.

 

Wishing you all the best for your hopefully speedy recovery.

 

Angel

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Angel.... oh... how wonderful to read and hear this from you.  We never communicated together, though, you did with one of our dear bbs, Mishi..  I read many many of your posts on this forum.  I'm so very sorry about your dear mother, that illness is beyond words, I have experienced this also in my family..  Just, I am so very happy to have read about your healing... you have your life back, after this journey.  A toast to your wonderful new life... Blessings always to you.. Patty

 

Sweet Pattylu

 

Along with Jaso, Vertigo and others during "my time period" you guys have been so supportive and helpful not only to me but to many other buddies too.  I remember printing off one of your posts of support during my early stages when I thought I would never get through this, and checking it all the time - it spurred me on.

 

Another excellent post I read on here was one entitled "Time is the Healer" or something like that in Success Stories.  It is amazing how words of the recovered can really help the ones behind in the process which is why it is so important and only right to write your own success story when you are through with all this.

 

I too have regularly read your posts and I hope that your husband is making good progress.

 

Thanks again Patty

 

Much love

Angel xx

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Angel, I am so happy for you. I remember reading your posts and your struggle, and how scary it was. So, to get on here today, (I always go to success stories first) and see YOUR success story is a great pick me up!! I am happy to hear that you had a doctor that knew what was going on!!!! I have a medical background and would love (once I am able) to educate doctors on what is happening so that their prescribing of these meds would change, BUT feel as though I would just get eyes rolled at me.

 

Great news... enjoy!

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A big hi to Angel! :)

As promised, I am replying here and congratulating you on your recovery! :yippee:

Your story resonates so well with me because I have gone through very similar trials. Yet, through it all, we have come through this... I am happy that this forum has given you the support that you needed. I am glad to hear that you had a doctor who was enlightened enough to bring you here and start you on the right course. If only doctors here in the U.S. would be as helpful.

Mostly, Angel, I wish you the greatest in life! The skills you have learned will serve you well as you continue your journeys.

May you be blessed and may your life be filled with peace and happiness! :smitten:

 

 

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Angel,

  Thank you so much for posting your story, it was so encouraging. I needed to know that we will heal. I may have to wait awhile for all the s/x to subside but it will be worth to be clear minded again and full of joy like I used to be.

 

Congratulations,

S

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Hi Angel.

Congrats on writing your success story :yippee:.  As you know, I left forum a couple weeks ago but realized I had not cleaned out my mail box and some old mail reminded me to make a few posts in the cold turkey section of forum, on the dangers to the inner ear from rapid detox or c/t. 

 

So as long as I was (temporarily ;))back, I took a quick look at the success stories and was thrilled to see yours here :thumbsup:.  I know it's been a rough time for you, particularly with regard to your elderly mother's transitional needs.  As you know, one of the reasons I first took valium (almost four years ago) was due to the stress of my father's cancer and some of his ongoing caregiver needs.  It's rough having to travel back and forth, particularly if your parent is not responding well or if other family members are not supportive.  In any case, I'm glad that you are feeling much better now.  I found that the CNS can still be vulnerable in the 2nd year when stressful situations come up, but they can be handled without falling into a full out wave.  Yes, there may be periods where things seem like they're getting worse, but that can be part of normal living.  There comes a point, as you now know, where the benzo is no longer to blame.  Life is sometimes difficult and can give us down periods where we might feel crappy for a while.  I like some of Emmy Van Deurzen's books on Existential therapy. She's in England by the way, in case you ever have opportunity to see her speak.

 

Best wishes,

 

Vertigo

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Hi Angel958,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience after being on benzos for such a short period of time. I'm so glad to hear that you have fully healed, and that you now focus on just enjoying life.  Your story is very motivational, and gives hope for those of us who are still dealing it.

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Thank you everyone who has added to this thread.  I continue to feel good - have taken up golf (yeah! well I have reached that age!) and am loving it.  I am out everyday on the golf course either practising or having a lesson.  Something I could not have envisaged a few months, or even weeks ago.

 

V - it is nice to see you pop back.  I hope you too continue to feel well.  One thing I have learned from this episode is to take things a little slower - to try and not overdo it.  I know we cannot avoid stressful situations altogether but I am not going to push myself as much as I had been doing when it is not necessary.

 

Mike - I caught a few of your threads and see you are another very short-termer.  I think the advice you were given to do a fast taper is a good one, so that you don't prolong the time you were on the benzos.  It looks like you were on a fairly low dose relatively-speaking - and hopefully you won't suffer anywhere near as much as I did, or even for as long - remember, I was on 3mg of Xanax and then a speedy taper from 22mg Valium so I had a bit of a brain-shock I guess.  Also you are young.  In any case be assured everything will go away in time - you won't be left with cognitive deficiency!  You obviously had a close call and will think twice before touching a benzo again.

 

Both my parents took 1mg Lorazapam at night to sleep for over 30 years and neither had any reaction when they stopped.  It's weird how we all react differently isn't it?

 

Good luck everyone.

 

Angel

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Thanks for your kind words Angel. I just stared my first true benzo free day today. I often worry when I see how long others took to heal and start doing dead-end what if's. I hope it's not too bad though.

 

It is funny how some people can just stop with no problems. My mother took Lorazepam for 7 years and quit with no withdrawal, and my friend was on about 2.5 mg of Clonazepam for 4 years, and had no problems after tapering down and jumping.

 

I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying life, and learning new things like golf.

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Angel - you  really are an angel.  :angel: :angel: your writing about your s/x was perfect and validated how rough i am feeling this morning.  this is month 12 off for me and feeling so discouraged.  angel did your months each get significantly better or did it kind of just end?  i guess i am concerned because of hearing all this aabout it taking 2 years.  right now it is hard for me to face the idea of another year of this.  i have been having about 17 good days a month so it will prob just go to 18 and 19. etc.  or is there a possibility it could just get primarily better?  i know this is a hard question to ask.

 

having a tough slam this morning.

 

i am so so happy you wrote a success story.  what a huge blessing.  i pray for that for those who are still with me -

 

you have been there for me so many times.  you are amazing.  make those memories honey.  i believe i will be a better person from this.  just to have normal back...xoxo :smitten: :smitten:

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Angel - you  really are an angel.  :angel: :angel: your writing about your s/x was perfect and validated how rough i am feeling this morning.  this is month 12 off for me and feeling so discouraged.  angel did your months each get significantly better or did it kind of just end?  i guess i am concerned because of hearing all this aabout it taking 2 years.  right now it is hard for me to face the idea of another year of this.  i have been having about 17 good days a month so it will prob just go to 18 and 19. etc.  or is there a possibility it could just get primarily better?  i know this is a hard question to ask.

 

having a tough slam this morning.

 

i am so so happy you wrote a success story.  what a huge blessing.  i pray for that for those who are still with me -

 

you have been there for me so many times.  you are amazing.  make those memories honey.  i believe i will be a better person from this.  just to have normal back...xoxo :smitten: :smitten:

 

Pan :smitten:

 

You are so lovely.  I know how much you have been suffering.  I have been following many of your threads and your blog even if I have not responded.

 

With regard to your question, it started to get better overall from about month 10/11.  I felt better on more days but, hard to explain, I knew I was still in withdrawal and wasn't yet recovered.  Then I would get slammed bad and wonder if this would ever end.  This happened on a couple of occasions up to month 12 - beginning of month 13.  As I mentioned earlier, the crappiness feeling lasted all along.

 

I can only compare it to feeling exactly how you feel after a bad flu which lasts a while when you feel ill, rubbish and you have been suffering from the symptoms.  You wake up absolutely fine as if you are fully over it.  It doesn't need analysing (which I did constantly, counting my good moments, good days, bad moments, bad days etc),  you just know you are better.  When it happens, you will know.

 

That's how it happened to me anyway and it is wonderful.  Don't compare your time frame with anyone else's - it takes some quicker, some longer - but, honestly, Pan you are healing and your time will end too.  It's just something that has to be got through.  But, like a bad flu, it ends.

 

I will keep checking the board from time to time anyway and look forward to hearing how you are getting along.

 

Love you too

 

Angel  :hug:

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Hi Angel --- so wonderful to read your success story.  I am so very happy for you.

 

I remember your "positivity pledge" and how you helped me through that thread:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=47382.0

 

All the best to you for a wonderful, happy and healthy life!!!

 

Hope :smitten:

 

Long time no hear.  How are you doing???  Are you feeling any better?

 

Lol had forgotten about that thread actually!  There had been times since I last wrote on that thread when my positivity had completely flown out the window and I didn't want to bring anyone down.  I was looking for signs that this might have ended and back in March I still had a little way and a few more slams to go.  But I got there.

 

I would love to know how all my buddies on that thread are doing actually - what sweet peeps on here.

 

Thanks for writing, take care and, since I don't have a blog, let me know how you are doing Hope.

 

Much love

Angel xx

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Hi Angel --- so wonderful to read your success story.  I am so very happy for you.

 

I remember your "positivity pledge" and how you helped me through that thread:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=47382.0

 

All the best to you for a wonderful, happy and healthy life!!!

 

Hope :smitten:

 

Long time no hear.  How are you doing???  Are you feeling any better?

 

Lol had forgotten about that thread actually!  There had been times since I last wrote on that thread when my positivity had completely flown out the window and I didn't want to bring anyone down.  I was looking for signs that this might have ended and back in March I still had a little way and a few more slams to go.  But I got there.

 

I would love to know how all my buddies on that thread are doing actually - what sweet peeps on here.

 

Thanks for writing, take care and, since I don't have a blog, let me know how you are doing Hope.

 

Much love

Angel xx

 

Hi Angel,

I had a horrid wave hit early month 6 that did not recede until a week ago.  It was awful.  My worst continuous wave.

I've had a few good days lately and hoping for more :)

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