16 years on benzos, protracted withdrawals and recovery

I am a 64 year old professional.  I consider myself educated and intelligent.  If someone would have tried to tell me the hell I would go through because of a “prescription” medication I would have thought they were nuts.  Wrong!  My, was this experience a real eye opener. 

 

If you are reading this, you are probably going through withdrawal or you have a friend or family member going through withdrawal.  There are many documented stories of success and  recovery .  It is imperative that you become as educated as possible or your experience could bring great fear and confusion to you or your friend.

 

My story began in 1995 when I was put on benzos for sudden onset of tinnitus.  I remained on this horrid drug for 16 years.  At the peak of my addiction I was prescribed up to 6 mg of Klonopin per day.

 

By 2006, I was experiencing symptoms of tolerance withdrawal.  I had no idea what was happening to me.  I continued on until the summer of 2010 when things really began to deteriorate.  My tinnitus became very loud and I was experiencing numerous symptoms that caused me to return to Urgent Care many times.  I was put on antibiotics that didn’t work and other drugs to no avail.

 

At this time, I began to search the internet for answers and found the Ashton Manual.  This explained a lot about my problems.  But what was I to do?  I took a copy to my Primary Care Physician and he read the manual.  In January 2011, we sat down together and devised a withdrawal schedule.  He transitioned me to Valium. My suffering intensified and no matter what schedule or dose I tried, things progressively got worse.  By April 2011, I was so sick and suffering that I began to have constant suicidal ideation.

 

On April 22, 2011 my daughter and her husband, both are Registered Nurses, intervened with my doctor and got me admitted to Lovelace Rehab Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  I was there 7 days.  During that time, I was taken off benzos cold turkey and sent home. 

 

This was the beginning of my real suffering and very long journey to recovery.  I started reading every success story I could find and discovered that I was experiencing nearly every documented symptom.  The main symptoms were:  massive constant tinnitus, distorted hearing and vision, crawling skin, tightness in my head, neck and jaw, I could feel my brain quivering in my skull, I felt like I was walking sideways, total insomnia, extreme anxiety, abdominal pain, lesions on my arms, weakness and the feeling of total fear of everything and despair, I felt like I was going insane and losing my mind. 

 

My symptoms and suffering worsened over the next 7 months without any breaks.  It wasn’t until the 11th month that I experienced my first real windows.  These weren’t windows of feeling normal, but windows of feeling less suffering.  By the 13th month many symptoms had subsided and the remaining tinnitus would increase and decrease as the windows would appear and disappear.  I am now in my 14th month and I feel confident that healing is well underway and that I will feel totally normal at some point in the future.  I am able to function normally and carry on the activities of daily living.  Because of the extremely long time I have endured the suffering, I have experienced some depression and anxiety; therefore, I  have started taking Remeron and Propranolol.

 

I wonder how many innocent individuals have begun to experience tolerance withdrawals and because of ignorance on the part of the medical practitioner they have been wrongly diagnosed with “mental” problems and put on higher doses of benzos and additional mind altering drugs?  How sad!

 

How did I make it through such a long period of time with so much suffering?  Two things, first, I dedicated myself totally to God and put myself in his hands.  Second, I had a support system which included my mother and two daughters.  I can look back now and see that the power of God had to have played a major role because I had no strength in myself.  Even my wife couldn’t be a real support because she saw me everyday and could not understand what was happening to me.  She thought I had lost my mind. 

 

I would call my mother or daughters daily and ask them to pray for my strength.  Some days this would be upwards of 15 times per day.  I would take warm showers at least 8-10 times per day just to try to find some relief. 

 

My daughter, who is the Nurse, began to read the same articles that I was reading and became a real encouragement to me during the times that I would doubt that I would ever be normal again.  I ended up several times in the ER, when I was so sick, only to hear the doctor tell me that there was nothing he could do, except prescribe benzos to help me through.

 

I picked out numerous success stories and highlighted the parts that really encouraged me and then I read them a number of times during the day.  One that really helped me was written by a woman named Alison Kellaghar.  Alison went through the same horrid ordeal and then wrote her Masters Thesis on this subject.  I read her thesis every day and memorized the sections that would give me comfort. You too can read it by going to  [nobbc]www.bcnc.org.uk/allison.html[/nobbc] .

 

 

I found it vital to keep a daily log of my symptoms.  This greatly helped me when I began to have my windows.  All that I read was right regarding the waves that would come.  I could have a window of relief but when the wave returned, I couldn’t remember if I had a window of relief or if I just imagined it.  The log gave me great encouragement that I had experienced relief and that healing was continuing.

 

 

I now desire to be an encouragement to others that are going through this same nightmare.  Friend, I want you to know that no matter how deep your struggle, there will be relief and healing at some point in the future.

 

May you find strength in my God and Savior Jesus Christ to help you through your journey.  He is there.  All you have to do is ask Him.

 

16th month update:

I am now going into my 16th month of recovery and as best as I can tell all my symptoms have gone except for a very faint tinnitus that comes and goes.  Since it was the absolute worst symptom, it makes sense that it would be the last to disappear.  This last remaining noise is nothing like it was in 1995 when I was first put on benzos and not even what it was like several months ago.  The pitch has changed to a sound, that when it is present, it is faint and is not even annoying like it used to be.  I can just feel in my brain that it is healing as the sound fades every day a little bit more.  Let me send a strong word of encouragement to those of you who read my story every day.  Let it be an encouragement for you to know that you will heal and return to normal.  I am convinced that if I can heal after all the suffering I have endured from so many, many years of this horrid drug, then you will be healed if given the right amount of time.  Just hang in there and be strong and look to God for strength and in due time you will see your sadness turn to joy as your symptoms begin to fade and drop out of your life one at a time.  May my God and Savior Jesus Christ give you strength to endure.

 

 

 

 

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Hi Eugene:

 

What an inspirational posting and I thank you for writing it.  I am also 14 months off and still struggling. 

 

You were CTed off a very large dose of K and went through the burning fires of hell.  But you hung onto God and His promises for us.  I applaud you for your courage and deep, deep faith. 

 

May you continue to be blessed and surrounded in His love and immense comfort.  And your healing to move forward with each passing day/month.

 

Best regards,

Rocko

Thank you for posting. Glad to know that you are better and continuing to heal. These success stories are sooo important to us. I am 9 months out...better...but still struggling and wondering if it really will stop someday. So, I am here today reading sucess stories (again and again) for encouragement. Thank you.

Eugene,

 

Thank you so much for your very heartfelt post.  It was very encouraging for me to read your success story.  Thank you for your advice about reading other wonderul success stories each and every day to get you through the tough times.  It really does help and it keeps you believing that this nightmare will eventually end.  I wish you continued success and a lifetime of health and happiness. 

 

All the best,

-g

Congratulations Eugene on your healing and thank you for sharing your story with us.  You can count me as one of the people who didn't know she was in tolerance and therefore spend a lot of time at doctors offices and hospitals as well as spending a huge amount of money curing things I didn't have.

 

Klowledge is power and you have done well to learn and spread the learning through your family.

 

I wish you continued good health and happiness.

 

pianogirl

Eugene, congratulations on your recovery!  What a wonderful and inspirational story.  I too was deceived by thinking no prescription medication could do me this kind of harm. Incredible that we are not warned properly.

 

Isn't it interesting that you were prescribed benzo's for tinnitus and then it caused tinnitus?  Uggh.

 

Happy for your recovery!   

 

Hugs,

Cedar

How right you are.  In 1995 the doctor convinced me that the tinnitus was caused by anxiety.  The 16 years on benzos did not help the tinnitus at all.  If I hadn't been given benzos the tinnitus would have probably resolved itself.  Now that I have been benzo free for 14 months the tinnitus is all but gone.  I haven't felt this good since 1995.  How sad that I suffered all those years to find out that I probably would have been fine after some months of healing back then.  Eugene

I'm just so happy you've been healed!  It is hard to think about all of the years that get robbed from our lives, so I just try to be thankful for the time I have now.    Just really grateful that we survived this torture. 

 

Your story will inspire a lot of people too which is really wonderful!

let me chip in on long term recovery - It's been about 16 months now since the nightmare and things are fine.

The D/R was the worst symptom of many hellish things, as we know that's saying something was very bad indeed.

For me- when i began The Zengar Neurocare neurofeedback approach/brain re-training the D/R went away.

It might not help anyone else but i wanted to tell you in case it might.

 

W/D - It does pass but is indeed awful and drawn out. Stay in touch with Benzo Buddies and knwo that others have gone through it successfully.

Keep the faith and get other health problems checked  out-

I had celiac and sleep apnea. That really messed things up too.

 

Best Wishes, RA

I just can't encourage each of you enough to copy every success story that gives you strength.  Highlight the parts that strengthen you and put them in a binder...then read them everyday if need be.  Healing is coming....healing is coming.

Congratulations Eugene,

 

Your story has given hope, and comfort to the many wonderful folks who are still struggling, and suffering. Thanks for posting.

 

The best to you.

 

pj

Hi Eugene

 

Thank you for your story.  I wondered where you got a copy of Allison's thesis?  I would love to read.

 

Congratulations on coming so far.

 

Glaucus

You can read Alison's story at benzosupport.org/alison.htm

Her Thesis has apparently been removed from the internet since she was killed in a bicycle accident in 2010 in Boulder Co.  How sad...but she helped many while she was alive.  I will keep looking and if I find the Thesis I will let you know.

I found her Allison Kellaghar's Thesis for you    www.bcnc.org.uk/allison.html

I hope that you all will be encouraged by this.  eugene

thank you eugene for your story it gives me so much hope.  I have been on benzos for 17 years, had 3 cold turkey withdrawals while in hospital, reninstated every time due to horrible symtoms.  I also didn't realize at those times how sick the benzos were making me.  right now I am miserable and I live every day thinking is it ever going to end?  I griever over the years I have lost, the loss of my life, and I live every day hoping I will be my old self again. 

 

the benzos made me impaired.  I became an impaired professional working impaired and not being able to recognize it while I was taking them.  I am so glad I am getting off.  I believe in myself and try to live one day at a time.  I just want my drug free clear mind back.

Alls I can say is wow! ... this is awesome post!

Thank you for posting this.

I am so sorry for your suffering but very glad you are healing.

You give me hope that in a month or so perhaps I too, will turn a corner.  I hope so.

Please keep us posted.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

praying for you eugene and everyone on here.  I think of all the suffering we are in and I say and pray, goddess heal me and I will do thy work.  amen. 

Thank you for posting this - I am sorry for all the sufferring you had to endure but your story is so encouraging to those of us that are still walking the agonizing Benzo road.

 

Take care Eugene

God Bless

 

To all those that have reponded to my success story...I can tell you that I am now approaching my 15th month and each day I can tell a difference in the way I feel...the joy is really beginning to increase...the zeal for life is increasing.  It is like I am in a race and I can now see the tape across the finish line.  For all of you who are still looking for that finish...be of good cheer it will come.  If I can be on high doses of benzos for 16 years and suffer the intensity with which I suffered and be able to recover and feel normal again...you too will also experience this also...all you have to do is just hang on and look for that day it most definitely will come.  Eugene

Thank you so much for those words of wisdom and encouragement.  I am so glad you have your zeal back.  That is such a gift.  Thank you for giving me hope that this truly will end and all will be right with the world again.

 

Best of luck to you always,

-g

trust me it will be over at some point.  You just have to keep hanging on and it will come.  I now know that all will recover.  I was on such high doses for so many years that duing my recovery I had constant fear that I would be that one person that couldn't heal and recover.  I am so glad I was wrong I have nearly recovered and healed and feel my joy has returned and life is worth living again...it will happen for you also.  Eugene

Eugene, You have NO idea how much your kind and positive words mean to me today.  Today is one of those days that I have those thoughts that I, too, will be the one statistic that this whole thing will last a lifetime.  You have quelled my anxiety today.  I was on 1mg of xanax for 4 long years.  May I ask what you were on and for how many years?  And did you c/t or taper?  I also wanted to say that my dear Father who recently passed away was named Eugene....love that name.

 

Thank you again for all your kind help.

-g

I was on 6 mg of Klonopin at my worst and the rest of the time 1-3 mg per day.  I tried to taper starting Jan. 2011 but I was already in very bad tolerance withdrawal.  My doctor transitioned me to Valium but it did not work and that is when I went to Lovelace Rehab in Albq. nm.  I was there 7 days and was C/T off.  the rest is in my story above.  Your day will come just hang on and start a diary and document your symptoms, especially the "window"days so when the waves return you can look back on the windows and know that you are healing.  Eugene

Greenstone

read this if you haven't already [nobbc] www.bcnc.org.uk/allison.html[/nobbc]

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